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My Mother

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Sadandconfused
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My Mother

Post by Sadandconfused » 13 Oct 2011 14:45

Hi everyone, I am so confused. I have searched out this forum hoping to get some advice.

I am an adult, with a child of my own, my mother is in her 60's, and her drinking is getting steadily worse for the last 15 years or so, since she split up from her second husband. (After 26 years he had an affair and although he tried to keep things amicable she wouldn't and still wont' have anything to do with either him or the lady he had an affair with, the husband and girlfriend are still together 15 years on)

She drinks a bottle of wine a night, as a minimum, she also drinks vodka and gin on a fairly regular basis I believe. She lives on her own and doesn't work. She has quite a large income so can afford to do as she pleases. She very rarely leaves her house, she is up all night drinking and then is incapable of getting out of bed until sometime in the afternoon. She has no friends as she has let all her previous friendships lapse through lack of being able to do anything. Her health is awful, she has a constant upset stomach, problems with her skin and nails and pains up and down her leg.

Both her brother and her sister died of alcoholism, so it is not like she doesn't know what is going on.

I have recently told her that I can't deal with her anymore until she can admit she has a problem, as she constantly lets me and my boy down and it is too upsetting for him /us. She tried to turn it round on me and insulted me and the way I live (specifically the standard of cleanliness in my house, she said that it has an adverse effect on my son's health which is rubbish, he is never sick?!) I refused to go and talk things over with her until she can admit she has a problem and so she emailed me and said that she has nothing further to say to me and she will miss me and her precious grandson more than words can express.

I am now getting it in the neck from my aunts - telling me I need to make allowances for her, and understand that alcoholism is a disease and that I should just accept that that is the way she is.

I don't know what to do anymore, I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I am not so sure. She is not an abusive drunk, she doesn't go out and make a "show" of herself, should I stick to my guns or should I just accept it and allow her to carry on?

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SueDenim
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Re: My Mother

Post by SueDenim » 26 Oct 2017 12:11

Hi Sadandconfused
I assume that when admin see burrel55's post it will be deleted :).

Regarding your mum, it doesn't look as though cutting her out of your life will make her change. If you agree that this is the case, what do you think would be gained by it? Will you end up beating yourself up if you lose all contact and she gets worse?

If she doesn't agree that she has a problem (whether or not, objectively, she does), she might be feeling controlled. Maybe you could agree to meet her without your son, with no agenda or pre-requisites? That might be less threatening for her, and could result in the conversation you hope for. If you arrange to meet on 'neutral' territory, do you think it would be easier for you both?

Just a thought, as I don't know either of you; but could it be that when you comment on her drinking, your mum feels the way you do when she comments on your housekeeping? It really doesn't matter who is 'right' - having others make judgements can be very upsetting, and if someone is already feeling vulnerable in that area, it is almost instinctive to go on the defence.

I hope you can sort things out. I would hate to lose either of my adult children, and hope that they wouldn't want to lose me either, however difficult things may have been at times. If things between you get too entrenched, it willet more difficult for either of you to pull back, so it might be an idea to try to nip things in the bud?

Having said all of that, ultimately you are not responsible for your mum's drinking, and she is the only one who can change her behaviour. If you really can't carry on the relationship as things are, you might have to accept that things between you are beyond repair. That would be a shame; but you can only take so much, and you have to think of your son.

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SueDenim
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Re: My Mother

Post by SueDenim » 26 Oct 2017 16:34

Pork wrote:
SueDenim wrote:Hi Sadandconfused
Six years too late sue
What is? I think I am missing something :?.

Are you ok, Sandandconfused?

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Lush4life
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Re: My Mother

Post by Lush4life » 26 Oct 2017 17:06

SueDenim wrote:
Pork wrote:
SueDenim wrote:Hi Sadandconfused
Six years too late sue
What is? I think I am missing something :?.

Are you ok, Sandandconfused?
Sue that post is 6 years old.
Sobriety is never owned ; it's rented
And rent is due Every day.

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Topcat
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Re: My Mother

Post by Topcat » 26 Oct 2017 17:27

SueDenim wrote: What is? I think I am missing something
Sorry Sue, but a spammer has come on here and you responded to the previous post which, as the others have said, is 6 years old.

I'll delete the spam and apologies Sue for this confusion - it was good of you to respond to what you thought was a cry for help <:)>
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SueDenim
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Re: My Mother

Post by SueDenim » 26 Oct 2017 17:45

Ah, half term! The scourge of forums everywhere :mrgreen:.

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Topcat
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Re: My Mother

Post by Topcat » 26 Oct 2017 17:48

Ah that explains it ;)? (::) :lol:
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Rara
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Re: My Mother

Post by Rara » 14 Aug 2018 13:21

Just out of interest what did you do and how is she?

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Rara
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Re: My Mother

Post by Rara » 14 Aug 2018 13:22

Sadandconfused wrote:
13 Oct 2011 14:45
Hi everyone, I am so confused. I have searched out this forum hoping to get some advice.

I am an adult, with a child of my own, my mother is in her 60's, and her drinking is getting steadily worse for the last 15 years or so, since she split up from her second husband. (After 26 years he had an affair and although he tried to keep things amicable she wouldn't and still wont' have anything to do with either him or the lady he had an affair with, the husband and girlfriend are still together 15 years on)

She drinks a bottle of wine a night, as a minimum, she also drinks vodka and gin on a fairly regular basis I believe. She lives on her own and doesn't work. She has quite a large income so can afford to do as she pleases. She very rarely leaves her house, she is up all night drinking and then is incapable of getting out of bed until sometime in the afternoon. She has no friends as she has let all her previous friendships lapse through lack of being able to do anything. Her health is awful, she has a constant upset stomach, problems with her skin and nails and pains up and down her leg.

Both her brother and her sister died of alcoholism, so it is not like she doesn't know what is going on.

I have recently told her that I can't deal with her anymore until she can admit she has a problem, as she constantly lets me and my boy down and it is too upsetting for him /us. She tried to turn it round on me and insulted me and the way I live (specifically the standard of cleanliness in my house, she said that it has an adverse effect on my son's health which is rubbish, he is never sick?!) I refused to go and talk things over with her until she can admit she has a problem and so she emailed me and said that she has nothing further to say to me and she will miss me and her precious grandson more than words can express.

I am now getting it in the neck from my aunts - telling me I need to make allowances for her, and understand that alcoholism is a disease and that I should just accept that that is the way she is.

I don't know what to do anymore, I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I am not so sure. She is not an abusive drunk, she doesn't go out and make a "show" of herself, should I stick to my guns or should I just accept it and allow her to carry on?
Just out of interest what did you do and how is she?

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SoberBoots
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Re: My Mother

Post by SoberBoots » 14 Aug 2018 14:33

Rara wrote:
14 Aug 2018 13:21
Just out of interest what did you do and how is she?
It's a really old post Rara, from someone who hasn't been active on the site in 7 years.
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The second best time is today.
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