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Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Des0528
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Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Des0528 » 19 Oct 2011 20:00

Hi,I'm new to this so please bare with me. Here is my story:

My boyfriend and I have been together going on 5 years now. I'm 22 and he is 25. When I first met him, at a party nonetheless, he was drinking so heavily that he would vomit blood. That should have been my first clue. I figured it was just because he was in a rough relationship and just needed the right person to be with. Well things soon changed and his drinking eased up and the vomiting of blood stopped, but the drinking was definitely still a problem. I've always approached him about it, he usually eases up for a week or so, then it's right back to where he started. He has never really been physically violent, we've pushed each other around here and there, but definitely emotionally and verbally. Now I'm not saying he is like this all the time, but if one wrong thing ticks him off, he gets in a mood and doesn't stop.

About a year ago, he was in a bad 4wheeler accident, because he was drunk, and ended up in the hospital, banged and bruised, with a tiny amount of blood on his brain. That was a huge scare for all of us. He spent the next couple months sober, and honestly that was the best time of my life. He was the person I loved and cared so deeply about, the man I wanted to be with.

But here we are a year later and it's back to the same old thing. He only drinks beer, no liquor, but he drinks everyday, sometimes for a month straight without taking a day off! And most of the time, he gets drunk, to the point where he just passes out places. I've told him time and time again that his drinking is the only thing holding us back from having a PERFECT relationship. He even tells me he knows he has a problem, but just acts doesn't care, even though he knows it's hurting everyone he loves. He is the most caring, loving, compassionate person I know, but this disease is going to kill him one day and I can't bare to think of my life without him. He's my best friend and my perfect match. I just can't understand why he puts beer before me, when he tells me I'm the only one that matters in his life. I want to make us work but I'm at my wits end! I just need someone to talk to who is in the same situation :(

Frankly my dear
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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Frankly my dear » 25 Sep 2012 01:12

Well, I'm not in the same situation as you because I'm the drinker and not the loved one whose heart is breaking. But I do know that stopping the drinking has to come from him ... no amount of convincing from you will provide him with the motivation to quit. I take it that you're not willing to leave him because of his drinking (and mean it). He does need support from those with the same problem, perhaps AA or a Moderation Management group. What about the online therapy from Bright Eye? Best of Luck.

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My husband is an alcoholic.

Post by Poppy37 » 01 Oct 2012 11:22

Hello my husband is an alcoholic. I suppose I should start at the beginning. We have been together for 24 years since I was 14. He always liked to drink and was the one in our group of friends who always had the couple of extra cans etc. He nearly killed an off duty policeman in his 20's and was sent to an alcohol counsellor as part of his punishment (this did not stop him from drinking), We have 2 children, a son who is 15 and a daughter who is 11. His drinking has become progressively worse over the last few months. He has tried coming off it twice with Librium and attending FASA but he still drinks. Mine and the kids lives have become unbearable and I am very very tired. He has decided to go into rehab and is currently waiting for a bed. I am scared because he isnt there yet and may change his mind. Our son is very angry with his dad because he is not a very nice person a lot of the time. My daughter thinks that he is just sad but I havent told her about the alcoholism. ( she has very important exams coming up). My mum is really cross with me because I stay with him. I want to live again and not survive every day. I want to sleep at night without worrying whether he is going to fall and smash stuff. I want my kids to look up to their dad and I want him to live also.

Poppy

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Boris Bike
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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Boris Bike » 01 Oct 2012 14:26

Hi Poppy. Your situation sounds very hard. <:)>

Is it long before the bed becomes available? Do you have time to tell him that you expect him to go? Is there anyone else who can rally around (his parents?) that can gently steer him so that he is more likely to present himself for the rehab?

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Poppy37 » 01 Oct 2012 15:03

He went to the addiction clinic today and they told him there would be a bed available on the 22nd of October . He is in shocking form so I don't want to annoy him anymore with questions that he doesn't want to answer . His parents just keep telling me to stick with it until he gets help but they don't have to live like this :(

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Topcat » 01 Oct 2012 15:21

Hi Poppy, it must be really awful for you and the children. Would it be possible for him to stay with his parents or someone else for a while to give you a break?
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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by caroline95 » 01 Oct 2012 15:25

Hi Poppy, it's good that you know for definite there's a place in detox for your husband - is there any support around for you?Family/friends/Al-Anon/local alcohol advice centre?

To be honest, it sounds as though you need to be thinking about what's best for you and your children now.It's been a long time you've been living with this and nothing will change unless either your husband stops drinking or you get some distance.

My heart goes out to you, I really hope things start looking up soon x

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Poppy37 » 02 Oct 2012 11:52

Ok I dont think I want to do this anymore. My husband was supposed to go to FASA today and said he didnt feel like it. I knew then that he had been drinking and yes hidden down the side of the sofa again. He must have started as soon as I went for a walk ie 10.15am. He doesnt know I know he has been drinking ( he honestly thinks I am stupid). Im supposed to ring FASA and make an excuse like last week. I know he has a date of 22.10.2012 for a bed in rehab but it seems so long away and Im not even sure he will go. HIs parents text him the odd time but do not come to see him. his brothers havent spoken to him now in a couple of weeks. My mum is angry with me that I am putting my children through this because he fell last week at 3am and smashed a table and glass and my daughter who is 11 was terrified. My son also was very ill that night with a temp of 104 and I was worried that he would have another convulsion.I couldnt sleep the rest of the night checking between the both of them because I was also worried in case my husband had concussion. Is there really a right time to give up on someone. I know that he will be drunk by the time the kids come home and what do I say to them again. WHo do I ring to talk to about it because if he gets nasty then I am for it today and I am looking after my friends twins and I am so angry. I dont actually have anywhere to go. His family have a lot of money and I have been told that I am a guest in his house ( i gave up work when my daughter was born so yes I do not contribute financially ) he is still getting sick pay because he hasnt been to work since August. He said if I want to leave then I can go but he is staying .Help :(

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Topcat » 02 Oct 2012 13:10

Sorry things are so bad for you Poppy. I would advise you to seek urgent legal expertise. You owe it to yourself and your children to keep yourselves safe. Good luck. TC xx
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Boris Bike
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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Boris Bike » 02 Oct 2012 13:42

Poppy <:)>

I'm not very good when it comes to drink in connection with relationship problems as I'm single and intend to remain so. But it seems to me that you desperately need someone on your side to help you. However, I don't know where you'd look.

One thing that springs to mind is Al-anon. They are different to Alcoholics Anonymous in that they cater for the friends and family of alcoholics rather than the alcoholic his or herself. Here is their website.

I know it isn't easy but I would try to remain somewhat hopeful about the rehab due in three week's time. It may be best not to make any huge decisions until after then, though I appreciate you are at the end of your tether.

I would also talk to FASA. You are going to phone to say your husband isn't going? So when you do I think it would be a good idea to explain in full that the reason your husband isn't going is because he is already drinking and explain what he's been like recently. Hopefully FASA will have encountered this before and can offer advice. <:)>

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Poppy37 » 03 Oct 2012 07:49

I rang his mum yesterday and she basically said what did I want her to do about it. His brother told me 4 weeks agao that they would always be there for me and we could all do this as a family, but she said that they had decided to let him go. I was really shocked because this was the first I had heard but I suppose his brothers havent been in touch with him or me and his mum and dad send him the odd tect to see if he is still drinking. I asked her why and she shouted at me and said dont I dare start on her and hung up. I spoke to FASA who are going to speak to the community addiction team today and see if we can get him in sooner. I have not slept a wink because my husband was crying solidly for a few hours ( i have never seen him cry ). he keeps saying he is sorry for everything and to please please not leave him and he really wants help. HIs parents kept saying weeks ago that they could send him anywhere privately (they have a lot of money) and FASA asked me then why hadnt they ? I do not know what today will bring. Our son held him for a long time also last night and I think all of us our emotional wrecks at the minute. I would just like to say thankyou for the advice I have been given and that I am so glad that I can talk here.

Poppy

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by silvergirl » 03 Oct 2012 08:54

Hi poppy, welcome to bright eye. Your situation does sound very difficult and I'm glad you found us too, you're more than welcome to share here and I do hope you find it useful to sound off.

Have you looked at the codependent thread which I think is also in the relationship section? It struck me when you said that you were expected to ring and make an excuse for him to the alcohol place he attends that it might be useful for you to read about, the first post on page one of the thread was very enlightening for myself.

Trying to separate yourself and your children from the effects of someone else's addictive behaviour is very difficult and I wish you all the best with moving forward.

Best wishes,
Sgx
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Boris Bike
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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Boris Bike » 03 Oct 2012 15:54

Hi Poppy

Your husband breaking down and crying, which you've not seen before, may be a very good thing. Perhaps he's reached the end of the line with all of this now as well and is ready to change?

He may need that bed he's been promised to get through the initial stages, so you may still have to wait for his rehab before more progress is made. That's not to say that you should put up with any horrid behaviour but just that he may very well continue drinking until he has the support of the rehab. But who knows, you may be pleasantly surprised.

It's good that FASA are looking into bringing his rehab forward so let's hope they can arrange that.

It's sad how his family are behaving. Unfortunately for many people a drink problem is one that's entirely self-inflicted and some people just don't have any sympathy for it and then don't feel compelled to help. With luck though FASA will be enough to get you both through this. <:)>

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Poppy37 » 04 Oct 2012 09:46

I have now been asked not to contact his parents again. My husband is fine with this but angry with me because he says that I have cause this rift. THroughout all of this his mum and dad repeatley tell him that he is making them ill and they cant sleep and they are very down . My phonecall to his mum was not agressive in any way< i just couldnt believe that they had decided to just let him go and I asked her why :( I just cant understand how my husband doesnt understand that I am protective of him

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Boris Bike » 04 Oct 2012 17:02

Hi Poppy,

If I understand correctly it was you that made the phone call to his mum (rather than his mum calling you?), so in your husband's eyes you have initiated the action that has brought about the disharmony. But I'm completely on your side in this: you needed to tell his family what was going on because you needed support. It's also only right that you should tell his mother what a state he's in as it's her son and so she should know if he is in any kind of medical trouble, which he certainly seems to be at the moment.

You are a very convenient person to blame in all this but I feel you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Indeed I suspect a lot of people would not have called his mother out of fear. So I think you have not only done the right thing but have been brave too. <:)>

It's so often the case that those close to us don't behave in a supportive manner when the going gets tough. It may help if you can see it from his mother's perspective. There could be a lot going on there. She may be having thoughts such as "where did I go wrong?" and she may just be finding it all too much and this has led to her simply wanting to put a distance between her and the situation.

It would have been much better if she had joined you in the common cause of helping to get your husband through this but it seems that isn't going to happen. So I suggest you lean on FASA for now.

Have they told you whether they can move the rehab date forward? You mentioned there was a possibility.

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Poppy37 » 05 Oct 2012 13:22

He is going into rehab on the 15th October 2012. He was really nasty to me about everything and said that he agreed I shouldnt contact his parents after all the horrible things I said to her and saying I wanted him out of our house. I swear I nearly lost it, I said nothing of the sort to his mum and I rang my sister and her husband who heard the full conversation and asked them to tell him this because I was so angry . I have developed anxiety attacks were I cant breath and horrible palpatations which I really dont need right now. I had an appointment today with the addiction team to see how I had been coping.I talked for a long time and was very honest. They are asking social services and child protection to now get involved. My husband is really pissed at this and says our children are fine. They actually arent fine at all. ( he thinks that telling your son that he is a f**king dickhead and a silly we b*****d because he spilt some milk is normal. Also that when he held me by the throat against the fridge because I forgot cigarettes and when I tried to struggle he dropped me and said to the kids that look she is beating me up is fine. He is driving to the off licence now when he is drunk also. He sleeps all day until around 3pm then gets up and starts drinking, He was vomiting very badly last night also. He hasnt washed again in over a week and smells vile. I try my damndest to protect the kids and all he keeps saying is Im getting help arent I. His addiction councellor told me today that he is still lying to her and he has stopped going to FASA because he doesnt see the point.
She said that I have to stop making him breakfast in bed and to tell him to wash his own clothes and bed sheets when he wets the bed and to ring the police when he takes the car drunk. I keep asking myself why I am still here. I am searching for a lot of strength for the next few days

Poppy

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Boris Bike
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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Boris Bike » 05 Oct 2012 18:05

Oh Poppy. :( <:)>

The situation is utterly dreadful. I have to be honest and say that I'm totally out of my depth with circumstances such as yours. Fortunately I am not the only one on the forum! Even so, the majority of us on here are people who are tackling our own drinking behaviour rather than coping with someone else's, though there are some who are in a relationship where both people are or have been drinkers.

I'm frankly baffled how someone in his state can be looking to blame you for any of it. I guess, even when I wasn't tackling my own drinking, I was still pretty honest with myself about where I was and what I was doing to myself. Your husband seems totally lacking in self awareness at the moment.

It is very worrying that he is failing to see the point in the counselling and the rehab. It can be the case that people, in whatever dark place they are, get so deep in the hole that they simply don't believe they can be helped.

I feel your relationship with FASA has to be key here. What I don't know how to contend with is your husband's unwillingness to engage with them.

I will stop writing here and I hope that someone else can come along with some practical steps for you. <:)>

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by septemberlane » 02 Sep 2014 05:26

Hi im new here... im not the one who has an alcohol problem but my boyfriend.. I would like to hear some advice from this forum.. because our relationship is really getting shakey because of his drinking.. He also has an anxiety problem which causes him to drink coz according to him it makes him more relaxed and calmed. Were just on our second month now of our relationship until i realized that hes an alcoholic. He admitted that he has a drinking problem but never admitted that hes an alcoholic. He goes into into binge drinking three times a week, where on the next day hes totally unproductive because of his anxiety attack, hang over, etc... hes doesnt have a stable job. I told him that illl be willing to help and support him coz i think he needs a profesional help. Hes taking low dosed Xanor/Xanax everyday for years but he never told his doctor that he has a drinking problem. I love him coz hes a nice and sweet guy when hes sober but totally tranforms when he gets drunk. Our fight usually stems out because of his drinking, he bacomes sensitive when i tell him that he should stop or at least lessen his drinking. I told him how he can love a person if he doesnt love himself and love and take care of his own body. He just told me that he will never stop drinking, he will just lessen it. But for the two months were together i never see any improvement from his drinking... What should i do with him? i thought i can help him, he said hes a better person with me but hes drinking is taking its toll. We had a big fight last week, theres no formal break up.. he was drunk when we had the fight..,i kmow its not right to argue if a person is drunk but its losin my strength and patience.. I love him and i will miss him if things wont work but im still having this hope if we can still,work it out.. what should i do?

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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by faith2be » 03 Sep 2014 08:25

Hi september, I totally empathise with you, and admire your care and willingness to help your partner.
However, I'm with Winker on this one.
I'm the one with the drink problem in my relationship, so I'm definitely not going to make excuses or retionalise. But winker is completely correct. You will not change him, unless he changes his behaviour first. Alcoholism/alcohol problems are very deep-seated, they do not go away lightly, and they can rear their ugly head again at the drop of a hat. If your partner in addition gets violent when drunk, then I also suggest you draw a line, and get out. You will end up giving yourself a lot of emotional, financial and practical grief. If you allow him to loive with you, and support him in unemployment, you will end up being an enabler - have a look at some of the other threads - including co-dependency.
He might be a wonderful guy when sober, but he is not always sober. So you only get 50% of the guy.
Don't settle for less than you deserve. Many people on BE have lost their marriages - and you won't find one of them who blame their partners for leaving. We all know how hard it is. We may despair at being left in the lurch, but deep down, we know it is impossible for a non-alcoholic to live happily with an alcoholic. The non-al may deeply love the other one, but it is, as the name of this thread suggests, nothing less than heart breaking.
If you end up broken, you're not going to be much use to yourself either.
Get out while you can.
Sorry if this is stark. You can simply tell him you cannot share him with drinking. You understand it's an addiction, but at this stage of your life, you don't need his problems. You'll develop enough of your own.
Sending you strength xxx
faith
Definition of recovery:
1) "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength"
2) "the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost"

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Mr. G
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Re: Boyfriend's Drinking Breaking My Heart

Post by Mr. G » 12 Sep 2014 09:37

I agree to faith and winker, if a person doesn't want to stop drinking, this really means his first priority is alcohol. You are really lucky to find sooner rather than later. Be strong ;)? you deserve a much better person.
" But still...Isn't there here one you once called an enemy?"

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