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Should I ask my partner to join BE?

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Should I ask my partner to join BE?

Post by Grendelslip » 06 Nov 2011 09:03

I've got a bit of a dilemma. My wife is drinking very heavily, but holding it all together for now. Although she hasn't said much about her drinking, I'm sure she is starting to think seriously about what she is going to do about it.

I have benefitted enourmously from being here and I cannot thank you enough for the advice and support you have given me.

My problem is this: when the time is right for her I would like my wife to get the same support as I have received. However, there is the question of anonymity. I have no doubt that she would easily be able to identify me, and I her. This could lead to difficulties as I have mentioned her and her role in my life re alcohol on many occassions - including this post and often we need to open up to people we have never met, not our nearest and dearest.

On the other hand, I can't stop her from joining BE - she'll find it for herself soon enough and I know she'll seek help via the internet because she's seen the positive effect BE has had on me.

Has anybody got any advice on this subject? Or perhaps you are already in this situation i.e. having a relative or close friend who is also a member.
Last edited by Grendelslip on 06 Nov 2011 18:44, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Should I ask my partner to join BE?

Post by nathan_ » 06 Nov 2011 09:20

Id have my concerns, I have no idea what your relationship is like. If it was me, although Id really want her to join, Id feel like a portion of what I may need to let off my chest, I wouldnt be able to get off, like some portion of the site is now closed off in some way. Id try looking for other sites that may be just as good. If not, maybe holding yourself strong and passing it over to her alone and see how it goes.
Sorry I cant give an answer where you can both use it, but It is a serious thing and thought I should be honest
I dont want my liver to pack up, and my kidneys, heart attack, and give myself brain damage and ruin my skin for good, and then die a slow miserable painful lonely death. I dont want to fear these feelings anymore. Goodbye alcohol


Re: Should I ask my partner to join BE?

Post by Grendelslip » 06 Nov 2011 09:42

Thanks Nathan

But passing it (BE) over to her? No way .... me,me,me,me,me,me!! (Still love her to bits though). And what is writ is writ already.

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Re: Should I ask my partner to join BE?

Post by Mark. » 06 Nov 2011 10:38

Hi Grendelslip Dave!

Great question (::)

I have a little experience of this, although the circumstances were different.

Almost a year ago, I was slipping quite badly. Wobbling all over the place, in fact. And my wife - who barely ever drinks - joined BE anonymously to get advice about the situation that was brewing. I was away in Cambridge, at my parents', at the time, and had no idea. (I'd always been very open with her that I was a member of BE, and she'd undoubtedly seen the positive effects it had initially had on me.)

It was hugely embarrassing and shaming when I got back online and read her posts - she'd told me about it in the car, when she collected me from the airport. But, in terms of the situation I was getting myself into again, it was definitely the wake-up call I needed.

As for her being an active member, I had conflicting thoughts: BE was my safe haven - as you and Nathan say, a place where I felt free to discuss issues and members I wouldn't have felt comfortable talking to her about, because I still had no answers or conclusions about them. I didn't want to burden her; and there was stuff I plainly and simply wouldn't have wished her to see.

I did consider going through my old posts and editing out stuff I didn't feel comfortable about her seeing.

However, I've got to say that her participation turned into rather a positive. It meant that I could be open with my wife at a pace that was comfortable to us both. She could read as few or as many of my past posts as she wished, and in her own time. I didn't have to sit there and confess all, as it were, in a painful, long face-to-face type conversation. But we could still discuss things about my drinking afterwards, when the time was right.

So, in terms of my wife being a member of BE, it all worked out very well. She very rarely logs in nowadays, but in some ways it helps me to know that she might do. Maybe it keeps me a little bit more on the straight and narrow, knowing she might pop by to check up on me!

On the other hand, a close friend of the family has had - and is going through again - a troubled time with booze. This is a bit more complicated - I'd like to help and advise this person more, but there are genuine reasons why I have to stand back and allow him to receive assistance from other sources. On a selfish level, though, it worries me slightly that his partner might find BE, whilst researching his problem. (He himself wouldn't use BE, as he doesn't use a computer.) My username would identify me almost instantly, and I certainly don't want his partner reading through my posts.

So I have - and am still - considering altering my username to forestall this problem.

In conclusion, Dave, I can only say that having my wife on board has been a hugely positive experience, although it didn't start from the best of reasons. I think it led to a greater honesty between us about my drinking - and I would hope that might also be the case for you and your wife? Might be very beneficial to slowly - through BE - open up to one another about your own relationships with alcohol? In fact, from my experience, unless you've been horribly rude about your wife here (which I don't think I've ever seen evidence of!), it could probably only be a beneficial thing. But I guess it's a very personal matter, dependant on individual circumstances.

Whatever happens, I'll wish both you and your wife the very best of luck!
Nie chwal dnia przed zachodem słońca.

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Re: Should I ask my partner to join BE?

Post by Libelula » 07 Nov 2011 00:16

Hi Grendelslip,

You've made me think how hard it would be for me to participate on BE if I had a partner... All the online time, my internet history on my laptop, it would cause me no end of sneaking furtively around cyberspace.

But what I meant to say was: there are other alcohol recovery fora out there. You could do some googleresearch, find a good one and point your wife in that direction. I suppose you'd have to make sure you let her enjoy the same privacy that you do, by never logging into that forum to try and find her posts!

I did once have the same question mark in my head, about a good friend of mine who drinks too much, and both of whose parents are end-of-the-road alcoholics... she's moved abroad just now to a muslim country and has resolved to stop drinking, but I'd never thought of directing her elsewhere until your post made me think of it.

I want to be the best possible mum to my son.


Re: Should I ask my partner to join BE?

Post by Grendelslip » 07 Nov 2011 12:17

Thank you Nathan, Mark and Libs.

I've think I've resolved the issue. I think I had almost reached a decision but wasn't quite certain. Your posts have helped me sort it out. I don't think any harm will be done if the missus sees my posts. In fact it might do a lot of good because there are things I have never been able to talk to her about - things which will help her to understand me better.

When the time is right and she asks for help I will help her find suitable forums as well as discussing other types of support. If she wants to join BE then fine by me but I will point out that she will have the same issue to face as I have here.

One thing for sure: I ain't leaving!

Thank you again for helping me to resolve an issue which has been preying on my mind.


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