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I met another big drinker

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Time4Chng
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I met another big drinker

Post by Time4Chng » 14 Nov 2011 16:38

Hey all,
I have been making efforts to get myself out there and meet and date new men. My latest development has been going for coffee with a man who, as it turns out, has a big drinking problem! We have only been out for coffee twice. Just yesterday, our second coffee date we got talking about social drinking and recent parties we had went to.
The way he described his drinking was really unsettling. He can never just have a few and has the habit of always finishing the bottle. His behavior when drunk is also erratic. I think was I find so worrisome is that he seems okay with this. Given my own issues with alcohol I can relate to some of the things he has described doing, but I am not okay with my problem (that's why I am on this site!).
I feel like bailing because I don't think there is room for two drunks in a relationship let alone one. I feel like a hypocrite too though because I am basically dismissing someone that has the same issues I do. I just can't seem to fight the urge to flee and wonder if I am being unfair in the process though.
I welcome any perspectives people can share on this.
Maggie

Summer_holiday
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Re: I met another big drinker

Post by Summer_holiday » 14 Nov 2011 17:46

Hi. I think you should run a mile from this man. Whether or not he accepts his own problems, he will enable you to continue your own.

This is blunt I know, however you obviously have concerns.

Let this one pass you by.

Summer

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George
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Re: I met another big drinker

Post by George » 14 Nov 2011 18:48

Hi Maggie

I think that regardless of whether you like/ don't like him or get on/ don't get on with him, you certainly don't sound too comfortable with him and from what I can make out I don't think that is going to change much. I might be wrong but the coffee would taste better on your own. Perhaps time to find someone else, methinks 8-)
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

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Boris Bike
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Re: I met another big drinker

Post by Boris Bike » 14 Nov 2011 20:02

I don't think it's hypocritical to avoid forming a relationship with him. It might be a bit hypocritical if he was actively seeking sobriety but even then I'd say it was rather harsh to call you on it.

Put it this way, if you'd had your house burnt down in the past would you want to stay with a man that regularly falls asleep smoking in bed?

I think it's entirely reasonable to decide that this man isn't what you need right now. He represents a danger to your health and everything that depends on you being healthy (employment, caring duties or whatever it is that demands your time).

Fighting this addiction is tough enough without exposing yourself to all its paraphernalia on a daily basis. Steer clear, I'd say.

Time4Chng
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Re: I met another big drinker

Post by Time4Chng » 14 Nov 2011 23:34

Thank you all for your input. I feel like I have made bad decisions about men for too long that I get to questioning my own judgment a lot now. It is quite different to try meeting people when I am not completely smashed, but definitely in a good way.

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lils
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Re: I met another big drinker

Post by lils » 15 Nov 2011 11:43

Time4chng

Sorry hun, but I have to agree with the others - run as fast as you can. There truly are lots of lovely people who are big drinkers, but, and I'm speaking from experience, a person with a drink problem who has an aim to battle their problem, should never ever get involved with a heavy drinker. It is a disaster waiting to happen. As Boris has said - it is a danger, and it's a danger that you absolutely should keep way from. Concentrate on you, and when you meet someone who will better you and lift you up then go for it. If you feel like anyone you meet could drag you down, stay well clear. If you stick to those rules in dating, regardless of looks, money, etc, you'll do fine.

Time4Chng
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Re: I met another big drinker

Post by Time4Chng » 16 Nov 2011 03:15

Thanks lils.

I got a message from him today. He was worried that he had scared me away because of what he revealed to me when we last went out. Previously I would have felt bad and tried to reassure him, but I didn't do that this time. I think he is looking for me to "normalize" it and I just can't do it. I will be letting him know that I won't be seeing him again. I know that I am making the right decision not to see him again. The whole "people pleasing" thing is hard to shake, but I guess it will come with practice.

Time4Chng
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Re: I met another big drinker

Post by Time4Chng » 22 Jan 2012 17:28

I'm so glad I held out and ditched that guy with the big drinking problem because now I am dating a lovely man who does not drink much at all and supports my decision not to drink anymore. It's been great!!! Three weeks AF! The even cooler thing is that we both love hot yoga, which is next to impossible to do well if you are hung over!!! :D

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Sandy
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Re: I met another big drinker

Post by Sandy » 22 Jan 2012 19:04

hot coffee- get it
hot dates- get it (you lucky thing)
hot yoga-??????? what is it? I am intrigued, not sure if it belongs in the fitness thread or the late lounge after the watershed!!!!!! :o :shock: :?
sandy

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Re: I met another big drinker

Post by 40percentproof » 23 Jan 2012 19:55

One of the best things for me has been the love and support of a very caring wife whom I will forever be indebted too, a person who will help and not derail you is essential.
TWITTER : @40percentproof

www.40percentproof.blogspot.com

Time4Chng
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Re: I met another big drinker

Post by Time4Chng » 23 Jan 2012 22:08

Thanks winker, sandy, and 40 :-)
Sandy, the hot yoga is a workout that I came across a few years back. It is a set of 26 postures that are done in a room that is heated anywhere from 35 to 45c depending on the humidity (or how cruel the instructor wants to be! :roll: ). The kind that I do is Bikram style, but I am told there are many other variations. This just happens to be what they do at the studio closest to me. It's definitely a different class every time, sometimes I feel super strong and other times I feel like passing out so I will just lie down on my mat until I feel better.

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