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My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 13 Dec 2011 15:58

Thanks for what you said, I prob am being hard on myself thinking should I be doing more or should I contact her family but unless I have concrete proof I don't feel I can despite what I feel

I just have to keep reminding her she is a worthwhile person as from what I gather alcoholics have low self esteem. And hope I am doing the right thing

I am so glad to have somewhere I can talk about it

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Oldenough2knowbetter
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Oldenough2knowbetter » 13 Dec 2011 17:34

Yes I would say the majority of us have low self esteem. People with alcohol problems also seem to suffer more with anxiety/depression?

You are free to talk away here to your heart's content, nobody will judge you and of course we can offer you an insight into a drinker's mind. Perhaps at some point you might want to tell your friend about the site - even if she has stayed sober (and I hope for both your sakes that your fears are ungrounded), she may find it useful to "chat" to people who are going through or have been through the same issues as her?

Xx
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." [Christopher Robin to Pooh]

Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 13 Dec 2011 17:45

It is good for me to somewhere to talk about it and I think in my heart I know she is drinking but if I say anything about the bottles I saw she will clam up, that is what hapoened last time and she denied she had a problem but a few days or week later went to rehab so I don't know if I am right person to say it to her.

She has family members that have been through it so maybe they might see the signs and say it to her. While I have my suspicions I have no evidence and she would prob say they are not hers and someone planted them there and I would end up driving her deeper into trouble.

That is prob being a coward but I don't think it is right for me to say anything just yet. I just have to let her know I love her and am there for her if she wants. I had a family member who had an eating disorder and until they admitted it to themselves they didn't get better. I think she is the same. I have to stop snooping and unless I see something that def worries me then I do something

If anyone has any tips and abuse for me I would be so grateful

Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 14 Dec 2011 09:39

today is the same so far, looks and seems normal, but I suppose it is early, Thinking back on how she was yesterday, you would not know a thing, She seemed as if she had not been drinking and I would not know a thing if I had not seen the empty bottles

Why cant I shake the feelings of guilt that I should be doing more for her, but what can I do. If she is hiding it from us at work is she hiding it from her family.

Have been thinking about how I can bring up any concerns on Friday, She hasnt done anything that I can say is everything ok. I was thinking I could say how are things with you, it has been a busy few weeks, (her milestone bday, boyfriend issues, anniversary of leaving rehab) and see what she says, I think in my heart she will clam up and not admit a thing,

Do I leave her to it and let her hit rock bottom again so that she wants to be well or do I say something to someone I feel I can trust

Can anyone give me any tips

Grendelslip

Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Grendelslip » 14 Dec 2011 09:51

Sindy, please carry on talking for as long as you need to and somebody here WILL listen. We do not judge and try not to dictate - but - this is your friend's problem, not yours. Yes, I know you care deeply but letting someone elses behaviour make you feel bad just does not add up. You should probably try to back off a bit emotionally and try to be there when - and it will happen - your friend needs you. You are so welcome here because your caring is what this is all about. Keep posting, but a bit less beating?

Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 14 Dec 2011 09:58

Think I have always been hard on myself in life and funny my friend who knows about the personal issues I have had this year would say that to me, to go easy and be kind to myself

I know I just wish I could help her but I know in my heart she has to want to do it for herself, I know it wont be my fault when she needs help but I will feel bad cause that is how I am, I will blame myself for not doing more even though I know there is nothing anyone but her can do

I think I will have to try carry on as much to normal as I can, talk about safe subjects and mutal interests and maybe not go on so much about myself and my woes

Grendelslip

Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Grendelslip » 14 Dec 2011 10:07

We all have problems Sindy. Are you perhaps offloading? This is a forum for people with alcohol issues but that comes with a whole load of other baggage. I may be wrong - and often I am - but I have just got the feeling you need some help yourself. Be honest with yourself and take it if you need it. There is really no shame in being weak at times. Support is there for a reason. Sorry if I got that wrong but it is hard to tell from written words alone.

Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 14 Dec 2011 10:30

I know and you are right to a certain extent, I have issues besides my friend and her alcohol problems, and when I come back from holiday I am going to see a counsellor about them,

But I do need support too in trying to deal with my friend and her alcohol problems

Grendelslip

Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Grendelslip » 14 Dec 2011 10:35

Sindy, I really wish I could help but am out of my depth here. There are others around who I am sure can give advice. If nothing else then please enjoy your holiday. Sounds like you have really earned it. That bit I know.

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Shelsey
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Shelsey » 14 Dec 2011 10:40

Oh Sindy - how I feel for you and how lucky your friend is to have such a good friend as you!

First of all, alcoholics never recover. We will always be alcoholics but our "illness" can be cured very easily - we cant drink. That seems like a tall order but actually millions of people manage without ever drinking and it is such a small price to pay for such a wonderful change to our lives.

However, your friend's sobriety is their priority - their journey and you cannot change them. Talking from a completely hopeless alcoholic who is now a hopeful one, nothing and nobody (including my son who I love more than my life) could stop me drinking. I had to be the one to make the choice - and I am so glad I have.

Can I make a suggestion? (you in no way have to accept it!) Send your friend a card or a letter and put something like:

I am so proud that you have taken some steps towards recovery - I am also very concerned that you might feel you cannot cope without alcohol in your life and wish I could let you understand that you can.

I am your friend and desperately care - I have found a website which might help you feel less alone and where you can share with people who understand. http://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk/alcoholic-forum" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I know that only you can make the decision to stay sober and I will be there to support you - but I also want you to know that I dont like you drinking and I can help when you are sober, but not when you are drunk.

I love you lots


Obviously you can change the words to suit you, but a letter is sometimes better as it can be reread - we alcoholics only hear what we want to and a lot of the time - for me anyway - all I could hear was "they dont understand, if they had my life they would be like me, dont they understand I am different, dont they think I am trying, etc, etc" we are the best liars and, sadly, the people we lie to most is ourselves.

I hope this has helped and remember, if you are not an alcoholic, you will never understand. And that is okay - to be honest we dont understand ourselves half the time!

Good luck and remember you must take care of your life too. Enjoy Christmas and be happy!
Aka STB - new name, still as much trouble!
AF 2012 #32

Friends lost to alcohol:
Michael - 11/09/11 - You were a beautiful person and I will miss you so much

Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 14 Dec 2011 10:54

Thanks I will have a think about what you said, I have often in the past sent her an email or text or card telling her I am proud of her for doing what she has done and the courage it must have taken to do what she did,

I know I have to tread very carefully with this and that it is her battle, but me being me worries that me talking to her about my issues, could add to the stress and whatever is behind her health problems, that is what her alcoholicism is to me, a health problem that has to be dealt with

Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 14 Dec 2011 13:10

She is gone on a half day to see an aunt of hers she said, she seemed a bit I dont know what is the word, not right today or different by lunch time, I dont know if I am over thinking but it could be emotional or it could be drink but I think I have to try step back emotionally for my sake as much as anyone else and just let her know I care and am there for her if she needs it and I do fear she will need it but I think and it may be the coward I think it wouldnt be best to hear it from me,


Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 16 Dec 2011 12:09

Hi well it is Friday and we are going to lunch later, she hasnt really said or done anything that would give me grounds to say that I am worried, she seems to be carrying on as normal, There are one or two disapearring acts, I did see an empty plastic 1ltr bottle that seemed to have some sort of organge drink in it.

She did say yesterday that she wasnt in good form as she had gotten bad news re a friends mom, this friend was in rehab with her. I have stopped trying to see where she goes when she disapears as it wont do me any good at all, never mind her

I am trying to detach myself from her two personalities, one the alcoholic and focus more on the one that is a good friend that I care a lot about. It isnt easy, I also find myself doubting things that she has told me, I know lying is all part of the illness and from what I have read, she may actually believe what she is saying.

I hate feeling like this and not trusting her, but what can I do. Unless I find out otherwise I dont have a choice, When I see a text coming in from her, I sort of worry as to what it could say but they all have been normal and usual sort of stuff.

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Oldenough2knowbetter
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Oldenough2knowbetter » 16 Dec 2011 12:30

Hi Sindy

Hope the lunch goes well - will you come back and tell us what if anything happens? Personally I do think disappearing acts and the carrying around of big plastic bottles would ring alarm bells.

Presumably nobody else in the office has noticed or mentioned anything to you?

xx
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." [Christopher Robin to Pooh]

Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 16 Dec 2011 12:38

I dont know if anyone else has noticed, I have my suspicions that a couple of people might but they havent said anything to me, I think they know how close we are and I doubt they will,

Last year one person said something to me and I thought about it and went to her and she denied at time she had a problem, Somehow that person found out I had spoken to her and I doubt they will ever come to me about her again they would go to others. I have seen this other person speak to someone else who knows recently and it could have been about work but it could be about her.

I will of course let you know how it goes

Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 16 Dec 2011 14:15

Well we went to lunch and exchanged gifts and had a nice time, She thanked me for the support during the year and I said not at all, I will always be there for you in any way I can and that I love her to bits. We chatted about stuff we would normally talk about and it is hard to know really, My gut tells me I am a right that she is drinking again but as I have no proof and havent seen her do anything directly, I cant do much but stand back and just be there when and if she needs me.

It is hard feeling like this but I cant let on to her that I am worried about her without any evidence of what she is up to. But I feel and dont know if it is right or not but if I say anything to her, it could push her further out into the mess that she has gotten back into, I am probably being a coward, leaving it up to someone else to look out for her and tell her,

I will be in America with family and will have my laptop with me but will keep in touch with her and let her know I am there if she wants me

Grendelslip

Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Grendelslip » 16 Dec 2011 15:37

Sindy - I try to help but sometimes (often ;) get it wrong. I refer often to my great clumpering boots. But it is time to stand back, take a deep breath. You sound like you are going into a tail spin. Not for the reasons most of us here do but there are other reasons. Alcohol is just one of many of life's problems. Steady up moment?

Sindy
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Re: My friend is a recovering alcoholic and I am worried

Post by Sindy » 16 Dec 2011 16:18

I think you are right I have to stand back and leave her to work through things and just hope that she gets to the point that she realises she needs help

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