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Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Puttingonabraveface
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Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by Puttingonabraveface » 31 Dec 2011 20:28

Hi I'm new to this web site but unfortunately not new to the horrible effects living with an alcoholic can bring to your life. I am sat here by myself on New Year's Eve in tears. My husband and I had had an invitation to go out but we decided to stay in.... That was until he went on a binge last night and I haven't seen him since. I didn't get much sleep last night not knowing if he was dead in a ditch, I got a call this morning and he sounded OK, he said there was a problem at work and that he had to stay to sort it, he didn't sound like he had had a heavy night... but since I got that phone call I have heard nothing which is always a good sign that he is on the beer. How long do I keep hanging on? If I had somewhere to go I would. My parents are elderly, father is not well (had heart surgery earlier in the year) and to be honest although I love them dearly they aren't fun loving people and I think they would drag me down further. I have a daughter who lives in a flat (she had to get away from the house due to the problems the drinking caused) and has met a new guy and is in love after being ditched and messed about by her fiance after the wedding dress had been bought, venue booked etc. I don't want to go to her and spoil her happiness, I feel so alone. I have friends but again I don't want to intrude into their family life. I put on my "happy face" people ask if I have had a good weekend and I say "yes, great thanks, you?" My God if only the knew.. I feel as though life has thrown a lot my way (and I do know some people have it so much worse) I lost my sister to cancer a few years ago, I lost my beloved dog last year and my daughter was messed about inbetween - I just feel as though I deserved some happiness, I'm easily pleased and don't ask a lot from life. I just feel I can't keep up the act much longer. I do love my husband, when he is not drinking we have a good time and laugh alot. He is waiting for an app with ARA - he had a course of counselling over a year ago and that didn't seem to do alot of good. He went again in October, had one session and he really seemed to make progress, he talked about things he had never touched upon before (basically his crap childhood) but the next app was cancelled then was cancelled again, he is now waiting for a further app.... I keep thinking once he gets his app things will improve, but will they, am I just being a mug?

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caroline95
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by caroline95 » 31 Dec 2011 20:54

Hi, puttingonabraveface, my heart goes out to you.The situation you're in is bad enough at any time of the year, but on NYE, when it seems as though the rest of the world is having a good time, it must feel that little bit worse.It sounds as though you've been having more than your fair share of heartache recently.

But good on you for seeking out some help and writing such a heartfelt post here <:)>
Puttingonabraveface wrote:I keep thinking once he gets his app things will improve, but will they, am I just being a mug?
No, you're definitely not a mug, just someone who is stuck in the awful position of loving someone with a drink problem.I don't have any answers for you, I wish I did.All I can say is take a good look around the posts here on BE, you'll find a lot of good advice and see that you're not alone, though it must feel like that at the moment.

Take care and keep posting, you need support as much if not more than your partner does just now <:)>

Puttingonabraveface
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by Puttingonabraveface » 31 Dec 2011 21:03

Thanks Caroline95 - He has just got in.. needless to say he is drunk but at least I will be able to sleep tonight and it is some comfort that he has chosen to come home and not see the New Year in at the pub. I know he will be fast alseep by then and no doubt snoring loudly but we have to take comfort where we can I hope you evening is going alot better than mine! Happy New Year to you :D xXx

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caroline95
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by caroline95 » 31 Dec 2011 21:15

So glad to hear that, you must be relieved.Still, not a great way for you to spend NYE, and you really do deserve better.I hope things improve over the next few weeks, for both of you .

Coincidentally, I just read this post on the 'Road to Abstinence' thread that may strike a chord with you:

" I have some experience of wanting someone else to change thier behaviour in line with mine it doesn't work!! my councellor explained that despite all the help, therapy, drugs etc the real key to beating adiction is ones own desire to be free from it. I and you have come to the decision that enough is enough but its not possible for you to force someone else into that decision.. They are still having the internal battle. quitting is really hard and unless you really really want it you won't do it. If you try to force the issue the OH will just go underground, (I did this when a previous partner teied to force me to reduce my drinking).

He needs to want to stop .."

Good luck and all the best to you for 2012 :D

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64Turtles
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by 64Turtles » 01 Jan 2012 04:24

Hi Brave,

Look about and see what we can offer and perhaps guide OH to our site. There is alot of support here and having been there it really helps someone who is unsure about stopping feel more at ease being with others who "have been there". If he gets involved there is a better chance. Everyone is different and the way we get help is different as well. Good luck in the New Year.....literally! <:)>

Best Wishes! 64T
“Just remember - when you think all is lost, the future remains”

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Shelsey
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by Shelsey » 01 Jan 2012 10:41

Brave - and you must be to deal with an alcoholic in such active addiction.

You have a right to be really angry - I know that I was a bloody nightmare and I lost everything... Your husband probably feels dreadful, guilty and ashamed, but alcoholics choose alcohol over EVERYTHING... it is our lover, our friend, our husband/wife, our escape.

He is being incredibly unfair to you, but if you left he would still blame you and not himself. I am not excusing him and think he is, just like I was, being a complete selfish shit.

For you though I can suggest some practical help.... please ring Al-anon

http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/about" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I know a lot of people in the AA meetings who are there with partners and they say it helps so much.

Just to give you a hint of the understanding you will receive this is what their website says:

What is Al-Anon?

Someone else's drinking can affect your life - be it a relative or friend, male or female.

Someone else's uncontrolled, and uncontrollable, drinking can:
•turn love to hate
•bring you to the depths of despair
•affect you financially
•lead to violent outbursts
•make you doubt your own sanity
•make you think that you are the problem.

Whatever your relationship to the drinker, whatever your story, Al-Anon can help.

Al-Anon Family Groups hold regular meetings where members share their own experience of living with alcoholism. Al-Anon does not offer advice or counselling, but members give each other understanding, strength and hope.

Helpline 020 7403 0888

Does that sound like what you are going through? Because there are people out there just like you going through the same thing.

I would love to say to you that your husband will get over this - but sadly the statistics show that most alcoholics do not... they try and fail.... that is why we must always be vigilant. You must love yourself too, you must. He has to want to stop, you cant make him. It isnt your fault. He is sick and needs treatment.

Try al-anon angel, it will help YOU and it sounds like you could do with a fair break. And keep posting here - we are the first to admit alcoholics when drinking are selfish, devious, manipulative and cruel. But we who post here are trying every day to break that cycle. Make that call and let me know how you get on xx
Aka STB - new name, still as much trouble!
AF 2012 #32

Friends lost to alcohol:
Michael - 11/09/11 - You were a beautiful person and I will miss you so much

Puttingonabraveface
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by Puttingonabraveface » 01 Jan 2012 18:07

Thanks for the replies guys. I was right, I saw NY in by myself with the OH upstairs snoring away. Today he went off to watch a sports match saying he wouldn't drink and would be back by five... I phoned, he switched his mobile off so it is another night in on my own. Before he left he was like a bear with a sore head f'ing and blinding - the guy that when we first met never swore even if he was in a really bad temper.

Sorry Shelsey I appreciate your advice but I just didn't get on with the al-anon meeting I attended about two years ago. I don't know what I was expecting but I came away rather non-plussed. Nothing was explained - although "12 steps" were mentioned several times. I went to about five meetings then gave up as it was a bit of a trek to get there and the roads were icy and that was it. I also had counselling via ARA (Addiction Recovery Agency), I felt some benefit but I could only have six sessions and the lady I spoke to said that I needed more.

I have tried to hold it together for so long and I was afraid to "give in" to my feelings as I was worried where they would go - yesterday I wanted to throw the Christmas tree through the TV - I had a pair of scissors and I cut up one of his sports shirts - I did think about hurting myself, only for a moment - it would kill my daughter if I did anything stupid and I wouldn't do that to her but never the less the thought crossed my mind. I have been holding back the anger for so long I feel like the girl in Steven Kings "Fire Starter" - once I let go I will just go wild. I have cried over the last two days more than I have for sometime I just worry about what 2012 will bring. I hate feeling like this when all my friends are having a good time and looking froward to the NY. Thank you for your support.

onlyfools
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by onlyfools » 01 Jan 2012 18:39

Hi Hun <:)> <:)> In all this you need to think about YOU....What this as done/is doing and will continue to do.

Being a alcoholic in denial is like a open wound that keeps getting picked at, it will never get better until its left alone and allowed to heal. A alcoholic is the same, until they can admit they have a problem and are willing to deal with this then no amount of "ifs or buts" will change this.

But you do not need to put up with this. This is not the man you fell in love with, or will he ever be again until he realises and sometimes tough love is the only way.

You need to be happy, you need a life. Yes you need you husband but he is just now proving that he needs alcohol more.

Im sure deep down he loves you, but drink is so powerful it distorts all your emotions and we drinkers or ex drinkers only think of ourselves and drink..

You stay safe and well hun, this is a new year, so time to think about a new one for you. a HAPPY ONE... <:)> <:)>

Therapy
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by Therapy » 01 Jan 2012 22:56

Hello Puttingonabraveface

Hope you're feeling ok.

Why do you have to find somewhere to go? Does your husband not have family and friends he can go to so that you can have a break from what is happening, it will certainly give them an idea of what he is putting you through? Amazing that he gets up and then buggers off out to the match without a thought for you.
Take care of yourself.

cherrypicker
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by cherrypicker » 02 Jan 2012 14:19

Hello Puttingonabraveface.

Hope today is better for you. I have emailed you if you want to chat.

liveinginhope
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by liveinginhope » 02 Jan 2012 20:56

Hi @puttingonabraveface . I hope things are a little better for you ? x I also had a bad new years night when my partner choose to drink and we argued a little. I asked him to leave and he returned at gone 11pm drunk. He slept through new years and i woke up the very first day of the new year thinking....This isnt how i want to live 2012 ! :-( Tonight i told him things were getting awfull and how we might be happier if we took a break because his drinking is causeing me misery and i feel ive taken more than i can take. Of course im sure this made things worse,,,but if he hasnt been sober properly for weeks ...then when exactly was i supposed to talk to him? He left the house and returned half an hour ago on the front door step on his knees (he couldnt stand at all!) i even heard my neighbour ask him if he was ok...i opened the door and he crawled YES crawled into the liveing room absolutely soaked with (he had wet himself) ...and besides feeling helpless and sad...im also angry hes done this AGAIN and the humiliation of all my neighbours talking about it tomorow :-( how heartbreaking for my kids if they get teased about this. im in pieces -so much to think about. We are due to get married (we have been together for almost 8 years...and things have just started to go so horribly wrong. He dosent deal with any stress well,and has little contact with his family. I want him to see what hes doing to me and cant stand the thought of the kids looking back on him the way he is right now. neithor do i want them to follow in those footsteps.....arrghhhh! Hes such a lovely guy when hes sober and when he is we get on so well and everythings lovely :) i hate him when hes drunk his attitude is so repulsive ..i have tried to explain but im told im nagging. arrgghhh!

Grendelslip

Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by Grendelslip » 03 Jan 2012 19:53

Oh livingin. The stark reality is that it is not going to change until he wants it to. His behaviour is ... well rings a bell, 'nuff said. Can you get out of the situation for a while at least? God I wish I could come round wiv me club and beat some sense into this otherwise lovely man, but it don't work that way and I wouldn't do it anyways. Don't give up but maybe be tough? The most important thing for you right now is to look after you.

Puttingonabraveface
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by Puttingonabraveface » 04 Jan 2012 00:03

Hi Peeps! Thanks for the replies. I will make this quick as I don't have a lot of time to answer and I must try to get to bed to get some sleep as I am so tired! I really thought we had made some headway yesterday as the OH had a AF day, in the am he was like a bear with a sore head (got in a mid night) but by 6:00pm we were able to talk, I mentioned this site and he even said he would look at it. Later I told him that I had posted on here and that someone had sent me a private message to offer to speak to my OH to offer how he went about being AF for some time but how far he had to go before reaching the point of doing something about it. Again my OH said he would think about contacting that person - promising.

I have another black cloud over me now which I won't go into tonight as really I need to push it to the back of my mind IF I am to get any sleep. Thank you for your kindness all of you, it really is appreciated. thank goodness we can reach out to each other through BE. I feel those hugs onlyfools! Therapy, the OH does not have any family near by, he had a very hard childhood, his mother for what she was worth (very little - if anything) passed away a few years back. His only friends seem to be drinking pals. His ex Army friends would keep in touch but when they contact him he doesn't bother replying (we tend to keep touch via me) - but when he does get together with them he really had a good time. Cherrypicker, thank you I have e-mailed you earlier. Livingin ~ what can I say I know exactly how you feel, I have made a point of when leaving the house I hold my head high (I have a real nasty gossiper living v close by). I am a good person and I shouldn't be made to feel bad by some nasty old crow that spends the day looking out of her window rather than getting a life!! I think you are right to worry about your children, my OH's drinking wasn't bad when my daughter was younger (it got worse in her late teens, she is now 25) but it has really messed with her mind. She moved out as she had to escape the atmosphere at home. She likes a drink but she says it is always at the back of her mind that she doesn't want it to be a problem and is wary of how she feels around drink. There is no getting away from it that it has emotionally scarred both of us. I know what you mean about being accused of nagging - you cannot say anything that isn't nagging or getting on their backs but that is just the guilt kicking in, it is always someone elses fault. I must get off to bed... Hope tomorrow brings a brighter day for all of us
xXx

Grendelslip

Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by Grendelslip » 04 Jan 2012 12:09

Puttingonabraveface....... you are. Time for you now, you need some respite. You say your OH is ex-Army. Although I have never been in the armed forces my Dad was and I have worked closely with them throughout my working life. Leaving the force is like being chucked out at closing time. Did OH see action? That will make it worse, but even if he didn't it is like losing a family - no, it is losing a family. Put the guy on the line if he will.

Puttingonabraveface
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by Puttingonabraveface » 04 Jan 2012 20:41

Hi Grendelslip - Thanks for the post - my OH left the army over 22 yrs ago and he didn't see any action apart from some scrapes in Northern Ireland and being shot at in Cyprus when trouble flared up there. He seemed to make the transition to Civvy Street well and made a new life for himself. We had a friend that just couldn't settle and my OH thought it was strange! So I don't think that is the problem, I just think that his drinking has got worse as time has gone on and that is the problem. We have got something else going on in our lives just at the moment adding major stress, may go into it at a later date but he was AF on Sunday and I think AF (or nearly) today. He has said he will go onto this web site but because of other pressures I am not going to push it at the moment.

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MissCheese
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Re: Unhappy New Year's Eve....

Post by MissCheese » 05 Jan 2012 22:05

Hello.

As an ex drinker I really feel for you as this is the sort of hell I put my OH through for about four years. He eventually left me six months ago as he couldn't take it any longer, he was deeply unhappy and didn't know what could be done to save our relationship, other than me quitting obviously but I just couldn't do it and didn't really see it as that much of an issue. He was the one with the problem, not me. I'm now two months sober but will never get the relationship and my best friend for almost 12 years back. Not in that way anyway, we remain good friends.

As a drinker I was the most selfish person and really cared about little other than when I could start drinking that day. I would even make up lame excuses to go out for food on days that I had promised to not drink as I knew that if we went out we would have a drink.

This is all an alcoholic thinks about.

Maybe some time apart will be good in that it will hopefully give him the boot up the backside to see what he could potentially be losing by continuing to drink and you can get some peace.

Good luck, I hope he does venture here for some support.
MissCheese

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