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Help Me Support My Partner

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Boris Bike
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Help Me Support My Partner

Post by Boris Bike » 21 Dec 2012 15:35

I'm setting up this new thread at the request of Stressed Wife. I'm sure she'll be along shortly to post here.

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SunriseTime
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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by SunriseTime » 21 Dec 2012 17:33

Good new Thread BB - perhaps tweak the name to Support my Other Half?

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StressedWife
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Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 21 Dec 2012 17:49

Thank you for setting up this thread Boris Bike ;)? 8-)
Last edited by StressedWife on 06 Nov 2013 21:26, edited 1 time in total.
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

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StressedWife
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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 21 Dec 2012 18:04

SunriseTime wrote:Good new Thread BB - perhaps tweak the name to Support my Other Half?
That's fine with me :)


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"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

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Boris Bike
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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by Boris Bike » 21 Dec 2012 18:23

Hey SW, no wonder you're stressed! <:)>

I think what we generally find is that it has to be the drinker's choice to give up. Unless they're fully committed to it then it's often the case that the person cannot overcome the addiction. The fact is that it's very hard for most people to dedicate themselves to a new path, so that commitment is very important.

I appreciate that you would rather be together but I wonder whether the fact that you've allowed him back before he has given up the drink may make him feel like he's got what he wants without having to be sober. So it could be a struggle.

Is he getting any type of support to help him be sober? Are there any support groups in your area? Has he spoken to his doctor?

There is also a group that supports relatives of drinkers called Al-anon so do look at their site and maybe phone them. Though that is a UK site and I'm not sure where you are.

Anyway, I shall shush and hope that others can guide you a bit more: I'm not married and haven't had to cope with a drinking partner, so I'm probably not the best person to help here!

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by Sandy » 21 Dec 2012 18:49

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/ ... ction-drug" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Hi SW
I seem to remember a link with baclofen and alcohol being discussed on daytime telly. I think it was a French aloholic doctor who first took it-looked out an article for you , not read it myself but it may give some insight
Sandy

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 21 Dec 2012 20:33

Yeh he's getting support from AA (when he goes!) and also an addiction support worker, she is the one who's prescribed the Baclofen. He is sober at the mo, he didnt drink for around 3 weeks after coming back and then hasnt drunk in big amounts a few weeks but has still been having a couple of cans here and there and the frequency of that has crept up which is what has happened in the past. He seems very determine this time, the fact that he's even taken the medication is a huge huge step as he's refused it in the past. I do know what you mean about letting him back too soon though, I kinda know that but as its xmas I thought i'd give him til after and see if he's made any big steps towards sorting himself out (ie the medication & stopping completely).

Thanks for your support, its much appreciated x <:)>
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

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Boris Bike
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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by Boris Bike » 21 Dec 2012 20:54

Whoops, of course you mentioned the support worker. Silly me, not paying proper attention! :oops:

I'm a bit confused with your last message. You say he seems very determined. But you also say his drinking is gradually increasing again.

It is a funny time of year. Obviously a lot of people tend to drink more at Christmas.

Holding off until the new year sounds OK to me. Perhaps he'll make a big point of making a resolution.

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 21 Dec 2012 21:03

Sorry i've not been clear lol, since i gave him the ultimatum the other night and asked him to leave he seems very determined, before that it was all half hearted and he did try by cutting down but a lot of it was also him basically saying what he thought I wanted to hear. His attitude has changed this past couple of days and he's actually stopped drinking as of that night instead of after xmas because he said he wants to prove to me he means it cos actions speak louder than words, he knows its going to be difficult but he's also realised that he needs to stop to enable him to be happy again x
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

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Boris Bike
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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by Boris Bike » 21 Dec 2012 21:30

Ah, that sounds good. Actions do indeed speak louder than words. You can hold him to that. ;)

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by Jaxom » 21 Dec 2012 22:43

That does sound good SW but please remember that even if somebody is absolutely committed to beating an addiction there is always the chance that they may lapse. It can be very very hard to stay dry especially in the early days, weeks or months and it is so easy for us to get tripped up by unexpected events and feelings. It does not mean that the addict was being dishonest when they made their committment. If you read around here you will see so many stories of people going for it with all their heart and later being ashamed of themselves or disheartened when they slip up. That is a most difficult time for the addict and those around them. If it should happen (and it might well not) then that is when your husband will most need to be encouraged to keep on trying and to think about what he can learn about his addiction. Please do remember yourself in all of this. You have a right to a decent life too. Also, please try not to get stressed or scared about doing or saying the wrong thing. it is a bit like bringing up children in that we can only do our best and choose from the wide range of advice and opinions on offer. If we raise monsters it does not necessarily mean that we were failures as parents. if your husband reacts badly to your support then it is more likely to be a result of his addiction than a failing on your part. We can be very childlike when we have to give up our sweeties.
An Inuit story. An old man is talking to his grandson: 'Inside me are two dogs fighting: a black one and a white one.` `Which one will win?' asks the boy. 'The one I feed'

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 21 Dec 2012 23:21

Thanks guys :)
I'm defo prepared for the relapses, excuses, persuasion, guilt trips, sulking, grumpyness.... and all the rest that comes with it lol! Been here before & somehow managed to end up here again, life is full of challenges I suppose, either that or i've married one big challenge :lol: I hope he'll do it, I really do.
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by HS776 » 22 Dec 2012 12:27

How are things going? My partner is an alcoholic, but trying to recover. Just lately its been creeping back in though, and last night he got wasted and as a result the plans we'd made as a family today to take my little girl to santa's grotto are without him as he feels too rough and is drinking again today. I'm FUMING and want to kill him, its 2 days before christmas and I cant even stand the site of him. How do I channel these negative emotions into something positive and how do I stop myself from hating him when he drinks?

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by Boris Bike » 22 Dec 2012 15:38

I think some people decide to hate the drink itself rather than the drinker. It's a little fix that can help one feel more equanimity with regard to the friend or family member.

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by HS776 » 22 Dec 2012 17:10

Boris Bike wrote:I think some people decide to hate the drink itself rather than the drinker. It's a little fix that can help one feel more equanimity with regard to the friend or family member.
...something I've been trying (and failing) to do for a while now. If only it were as easy as it sounds :(

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 22 Dec 2012 22:14

HS776 wrote:How are things going? My partner is an alcoholic, but trying to recover. Just lately its been creeping back in though, and last night he got wasted and as a result the plans we'd made as a family today to take my little girl to santa's grotto are without him as he feels too rough and is drinking again today. I'm FUMING and want to kill him, its 2 days before christmas and I cant even stand the site of him. How do I channel these negative emotions into something positive and how do I stop myself from hating him when he drinks?
Nightmare, its so frustrating isn't it especially when it effects the kids :( hope your ok & had a nice day regardless of what happened? I do struggle with not hating him at times but most of the time I manage to channel it towards the drink instead of him, I do find that if I let it build up though and don't express how I'm feeling to him then I tend to begin to hate him more & more. I think good communication is really really important, do you still manage to talk to him about how him drinking makes you feel etc? <:)>

Hubby is doing well, not a mention of drink so far and the tablets seem to be curbing the anxiety although he's been in a really grumpy and in a foul mood today so i've had to try and ignore it as much as poss :twisted: so I didnt strangle him lol!
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by HS776 » 23 Dec 2012 08:48

That's good that things are going well for you so far, hopefully you'll have a peaceful and happy christmas :)

I did have a nice day regardless thank-you, I decided that I wasn't going to let his actions ruin my daughters day, although I've had questions all weekend as to where is his, why he didn't come etc. And still no sign today...tomorrow we're supposed to be going away to family for Christmas and I'm mentally preparing myself for the fact I'll be going alone with my daughter. If that is the case, I don't know if I'll forgive him for ruining christmas, not just for me but for my daughter too. I'm finding it very hard to be supportive when it's causing me so much hurt right now.

Oh what to do.... :cry:

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 23 Dec 2012 10:45

HS776 wrote:That's good that things are going well for you so far, hopefully you'll have a peaceful and happy christmas :)

I did have a nice day regardless thank-you, I decided that I wasn't going to let his actions ruin my daughters day, although I've had questions all weekend as to where is his, why he didn't come etc. And still no sign today...tomorrow we're supposed to be going away to family for Christmas and I'm mentally preparing myself for the fact I'll be going alone with my daughter. If that is the case, I don't know if I'll forgive him for ruining christmas, not just for me but for my daughter too. I'm finding it very hard to be supportive when it's causing me so much hurt right now.

Oh what to do.... :cry:
I think your right to mentally prepare incase he doesn't go as it sounds like he's in a bad place right now & can't see through the alcohol mist :( DON'T let him ruin Xmas though! Please please don't take it personally either, I've learnt over the years that it isn't aimed at me & he doesn't do it out of malice but it still hurts like hell when they let us down so much and it's taken me a while to understand that it isn't my fault.

Is he getting support from anywhere? Do you have family & friends supporting you? Is he sorry afterwards?

It sounds like he's not ready to face his addiction, he will likely make promises etc but until he is ready (and strong enough) himself then he won't stick to it & will end up slipping back. I think it boils down to how much you can and are willing to take, you need to put yourself and your daughter first & think about what's best for you both, I know you love him (I'm assuming you do as your asking for help) but sometimes you have to take a step back & figure out what YOU want. Nobody would blame you if you walked away, but we will also support you if you stay :)

I really hope he sees sense & gets his act together for xmas, either way i hope you & your daughter have a fab time. Feel free to inbox me if you want x


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"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by HS776 » 23 Dec 2012 13:41

It's really hard not to take it personally, because every time it feels like he's making a choice and choosing alcohol over us. When he stopped drinking in May, he was doing much better then than he is now. Probably because he started with a course of therapy, but now, I live each day with worry that he is going to drink. I don't want my happiness to depend on his sobriety. My mum and step-dad are a great support to me, but at the end of the day their main concern is always going to be me. It's hard for people not to judge situations like these, its always very easy to say 'just leave' but when you love someone its not that easy. What I do know is that I don't want to look back at my life in 20 years time and wish I'd made a different choice, but neither is easy.
Thanks for listening and I'm sorry for taking over your topic with my issues! :)

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Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 23 Dec 2012 13:47

Dont be daft, I wanted to this topic to be set up so others can use it too. ;)?

I know what you mean, i'm at the same stage as you at the moment and i'm just waiting to see what happens between now and new year before I make my choice. Have you given him an ultimatum or tried to make him see how much he's hurting you and that your nearing your limit? x
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

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