Online Alcohol Therapy |  Do you need professional help? |  Alcoholism & Recovery Articles |  Self Help Resources

Help Me Support My Partner

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
Post Reply
User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 15 Jun 2013 07:57

I'm back :( really needing support more than ever. He's been dry for a few months and has done really well but recently the drinking has started again, last night (for the second time in a week) he said he was on his way home then never arrived & went on a bender, left me sat worried sick ALL NIGHT :(
Last edited by StressedWife on 06 Nov 2013 21:37, edited 1 time in total.
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
enoughisenough
Posts: 1153
Joined: 27 Feb 2011 17:06
Location: South East
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by enoughisenough » 15 Jun 2013 08:18

Hi Stressed wife
<:)> <:)> those are for you, not for him. I felt it important to say that because it seems ( though obviously I could be wrong) your life is still be dictated by his state -dry or drunk. You may remember I do know exactly what it is like to be in your situation, how difficult it is to break away and live your own life - whether that is physically distancing yourself through seperation or at least emotionally distancing yourself. You can do either one without the other and either be better off or not ( hope that makes sense) e.g if you live elsewhere and are still constantly worried about him - that wont help. Unless you are in danger of violence then the most important thing to do is to detach and put emotional distance between you, it is not easy at all and can be very painful, but from your post sounds like something you should be considering. How you do that of course is influenced by your circumstances.

Did you go to Al anon or get any support last time you were here? perhapos it is something you could consider if not.

Eie
Yesterday I was clever, I wanted to change the world. Today I am wiser and am changing myself ~ Rumi

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 15 Jun 2013 19:08

Thanks EIE,

Yes that makes sense, he's not violent so that's not an issue. I've just had enough of having my heart broken so I've asked him to leave, I'm just so tired of it all :( he's pleaded, begged, promised and all the rest but I've told him I'm not interested... I do hope we can resolve things and I'm hoping this comes as a wake up call?! If not then I feel strong enough to walk away now, I love him but I'm not a doormat.

No I've never been to al-anon, maybe I should? Just couldn't see what it would achieve really.

Only time will tell I suppose - feeling very upset, sad & let down right now x
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
enoughisenough
Posts: 1153
Joined: 27 Feb 2011 17:06
Location: South East
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by enoughisenough » 16 Jun 2013 08:18

Hi SW

How you are feeling is perfectly natural of course, you have invested so much into the relationship and had this taken away by another ( the bottle.) It can feel as painful as one of the partners having an affair, because something is more important than us in the relationship, "it's needs and wants" take priority.

There are of course many ways in which it is different - you cant reason with the bottle, the bottle is doing nothing wrong, it is an inanimate substance but has the power to create havoc, misery and destroy lives.

The other consideration is control. Why do you want your husband to stop drinking? if he stops drinking why would that make everything Ok? would he be happy? If he leaves and then stops drinking - when is it safe to say he can come back and so on. Hopefully you can see that the decision to stop drinking has to come from him. You decision may spur him on to stop - but unless he wants to for himself and you stop being involved in that,you are tied into his drinking behaviour. It could of course go the other way and he will feel that your decision has given him good reason to drink. This is why you have to detach and now learn how to be seperate so that whether he drinks or not is simply his choice and outside your control -easier said than done.

That why I recommended that you join a support group such as Al anon, there are others probably - and most likely some will be online. There is an good amount of material on BE about co-dependancy as well - not sure if I recommended before that you read Melody Beattie's work on this as well.

I'm wishing you strength Stressed Wife and that you find some peace to start thinking of YOU.

Eiex
Yesterday I was clever, I wanted to change the world. Today I am wiser and am changing myself ~ Rumi

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 18 Jun 2013 00:13

Thanks for your wise words EIE xx
Last edited by StressedWife on 06 Nov 2013 21:38, edited 1 time in total.
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 18 Jun 2013 07:59

Thank you givingitago - it's very hard but I'm sure we'll be fine whether together or apart x
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 26 Aug 2013 09:40

We're separated (again), possibly for good this time. Enough is enough! :cry:
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 03 Oct 2013 19:08

He's still drinking & taking drugs :( struggling so much, why me x
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
faith2be
Posts: 3648
Joined: 25 Feb 2011 10:06
Last Drink Date: 06 Nov 2018
Location: north
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by faith2be » 03 Oct 2013 19:39

Hi SW - does he want to stop?
Sending you a <:)>
Definition of recovery:
1) "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength"
2) "the action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost"

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 04 Oct 2013 13:13

faith2be wrote:Hi SW - does he want to stop?
Sending you a <:)>
He seems so desperate to stop but says he hasn't got the strength to do it but I do think that's an excuse. He's very good at saying one thing & doing the opposite!
Last edited by StressedWife on 06 Nov 2013 21:39, edited 1 time in total.
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
free flow
Posts: 1232
Joined: 20 Apr 2012 13:47
Last Drink Date: 26 Feb 2019
Location: North of the 49th Parallel, East of Eden
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by free flow » 04 Oct 2013 14:10

Hi StressedWife, it is a tough place to be in, with someone who needs help and won't take it when offered or if he does, will only do it until it gets hard and then gives up.
I notice you have separated in the past, so I assume you are back together again.
He will get help and keep getting help when he wants to and not before; and there is nothing you can do except support him and hope it happens before a bad situation gets worse.
You have to look after yourself, and he has to look after himself, and it is very hard to do that when we see someone we care about self-destructing. But you must not let that affect you, you still have a life to live and you need some support now. Have you tried any groups near where you live such as Al-Anon or others? Do you have any close family who can help?

You haven't mentioned, but are there children involved?

And as enoughisenough mentioned before, have you taken a look at your motives for wanting to stay with him? We sometimes get so comfortable in a situation that we are afraid of going out into the world even though it may be so much better than what we have.
And what are his motives? Does he know that no matter what he does, you will always be there to welcome him home if he behaves for a little while? Tough questions to answer because we have to take a good hard look at ourselves and our relationships. I did and it wasn't very pleasant but it has lead to a difference in my life.

Take as many of these <:)> <:)> <:)> as you need, there is an unlimited supply on BE, and stay here for a while, even if things seem to get better, it never hurts to have some support, even if you think you may not need it.

Take care of yourself, SW.
The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you really are. - Carl Jung

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 04 Oct 2013 17:02

Thank you so much!!! No we aren't together & having been for 7-8 weeks now, I asked him to leave & have told him he is only welcome back when he's off the drink/drugs. I do love him but we have 2 young children and they are always my priority so I have to be strong & do this for them, if it means me being a single parent forever then that's the way it will be.
Last edited by StressedWife on 06 Nov 2013 21:40, edited 1 time in total.
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 07 Oct 2013 20:56

*UPDATE*

Well he told me yesterday that he's decided to go to rehab, he's got 2 options & isn't sure which to take:

1/ Full residential rehab (4 weeks full time)
2/ Part residential rehab (12 weeks day time)

Can anyone tell me if they've been through either of these & their experiences? Thanks :)
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
bumpydog
Posts: 1867
Joined: 07 Nov 2008 12:07
Last Drink Date: 18 Nov 2012
Location: Northamptonshire
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by bumpydog » 07 Oct 2013 21:02

I went to full residential for 4 weeks. Although I was terrified about it and tried to back out more than once, it really was the best thing I have ever done!

I would recommend a full residential as it gives you the time and space to focus fully on yourself and your issues around alcohol and other things, without any distractions.

It's a scary step but really worthwhile!

Bumps xxx


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future you end up weeing on today...focus on today!

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 07 Oct 2013 21:09

That's fab, good on you! How did you find coming out and back into your "old life"?

Yes that's what I said to him, right now I think he needs to take himself out of the situation and focus on just himself without all the other stresses of life. He's living in a room at his parents too so not ideal to be coming home to, he's at high risk to relapse I'd guess.

When he comes out though we were worried it would be a bit of a shock to the system? Ultimately it's his decision of course but I thought some opinions might help him.
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
bumpydog
Posts: 1867
Joined: 07 Nov 2008 12:07
Last Drink Date: 18 Nov 2012
Location: Northamptonshire
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by bumpydog » 07 Oct 2013 21:55

Coming out of rehab wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be to be honest! And it was the week before Christmas! My parents offered to let me stay with them for a couple of weeks, but I knew I had to get on with it on my own so refused. Plus the idea of my mother watching my every move would not help me stay sober!
They do prepare you for coming home though and most rehabs offer after care too which is really good. Mine offered weekly sessions and I could ring them anytime I wanted to.

It really is worth it, but you've got to really want it though. I learnt so much there and here I am nearly 11 months sober now! A year ago this seemed like an impossible dream!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future you end up weeing on today...focus on today!

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 07 Oct 2013 22:40

Thanks for sharing your experience :) you've done fantastic & must be very proud of yourself, I will pass on your story to my hubby.

I wish I had a crystal ball & knew whether our marriage has a future or if I'm clutching at straws :( everything is so uncertain, never imagined we wouldn't be together forever.
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
bumpydog
Posts: 1867
Joined: 07 Nov 2008 12:07
Last Drink Date: 18 Nov 2012
Location: Northamptonshire
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by bumpydog » 08 Oct 2013 07:22

You're welcome. It is a big step, but there is no reason why he can't get through this and get his life back on track. It can take a while to admit to yourself you have a problem (took me years!) but hopefully you putting your foot down has given him the kick up the bum he needs. He has a lot to lose!

If you have any other questions etc please feel free to contact me as I am more than happy to help.

Bumps x


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future you end up weeing on today...focus on today!

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 08 Oct 2013 18:08

Yes it's defo taken a while, he's been going round in circles for the past 2yrs, I hope this time he sorts it as he's never taken this direction with things before. Really hope it helps him see what's important :)
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

User avatar
StressedWife
Posts: 110
Joined: 13 Apr 2012 18:38
Contact:

Re: Help Me Support My Hubby

Post by StressedWife » 11 Oct 2013 09:29

Well today's the day, he's got his rehab assessment this morning & he was out drinking last night so I have a feeling he won't be turning up... :(
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies" - Mother Teresa

Post Reply