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The Three Month Challenge.

Iroquois
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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by Iroquois » 15 Apr 2016 00:02

Hi Gang, :\:

Unlike this smily little wavy bright eyed yellow fellow, I am in a bit of a dismal mood today! You guys are probably safely tucked into bed since it would be about 11:30 there! It was lovely weather here today, but I didn't feel like getting out today. And tomorrow brings rain and then the weekend is even worse with another spring blizzard forecast! Up to or more than 36 inches of snow! It will be wet, heavy snow, so we do need it, but still hate being trapped in by it all!

I feel like life is closing in on me, just haven't felt well lately. I really have no one to talk to, my daughter has little time for my problems. My main problem is money, or the lack of it, and the whole bleak future. At least, I can actually write that ever present worry down to you guys, because we don't know each other, therefore, I can actually talk about my fears on here. I hesitate to talk to anyone else that I know well, because it always seems like when you talk about financial problems, the ones you unload to think you are asking for money. So, I never talk to anyone, because I don't want them to think I am asking for money! Such a debacle. I hate being old, it is harder than you think when society really doesn't give a hoot about old people, at least not so much over here!

I have just had so many alcohol thoughts, today, I just want to drown my fears until I pass out. I have had trouble sleeping, again. I do so hate that! I know zoning out isn't the answer, have had suicidal thoughts, too. When I go off the track, I go all in, I guess. Oh woe is me! :cry:

I better chime in on the pissing! I pissed myself a few times while drinking! Since alcohol is basically rented instead of purchased, the pissing is a key part of the whole grossness of it all! Pissing, puking, sneaky diarrhea, stumbling, falling, calling people at 2 a.m., being generally nasty and using the F bomb like it was an ordinary word, all just so easily slipped into once getting past a certain point of being totally wasted! :shock: :o Man, I need to get out of this black mood! Vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce, I guess. Chocolate candy, fizzy water, chocolate pudding, butterscotch pudding, these are the things I have to beat down the craves!!!!

I'll get back to you tomorrow! :mrgreen:
There isn't enough alcohol in the world to make you happier, calmer, prettier, more clever or less angry.
Only sobriety will help you achieve these attributes.

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ChamomileTea
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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by ChamomileTea » 15 Apr 2016 00:53

Ha, oh how I wish I was already asleep.

Yeah money troubles are hard -- I get why it's difficult to talk to people about that. But you can always talk to us....

I am hopeless with people with money worries though. Perhaps because I DO always suspect they're hinting around for a "loan".

The government luuuurves older people here as they're the only ones who vote!!

I am going to sleep now, but just wanted to make a short post to give a hug <:)> and remind you that the bleakness isn't here to stay. Have lots of treats and sparkles on me today, and I hope you feel better. And if you don't, call time on it and have an early night. With a nice cup of herbal tea and a book. Yes bed is the enemy sometimes when you can't sleep -- but look! What are these? Are they... Clean sheets, not covered in nasty smells of horrible mistakes? I think they are, it could be worse. <:)>

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by Trina » 15 Apr 2016 02:14

Hey Deanna,

Just want to check in and see if you're feeling any better. I get you about the money worries - I just refilled my insulin prescription at the pharmacy and, because I have high-deductible insurance (so that I can actually afford the monthly premiums), I had to pay the full cost: over $700 for 3 vials of insulin! The girl behind the counter asked if I knew how much it was before she rang it up! But I don't have any choice - without it I'd be dead. So those are the happy thoughts that are swirling in my head tonight. I'll be 65 in September, and am hoping that Medicare starts paying for things.

Anyway, I agree with CT. Get into bed with some tea and a book, or watch some TV. You know that drinking will only make you feel worse, not better. And suicidal thoughts? Is there a friend or someone you can call? Or your doctor? Of course, you can come on here, but maybe some real-life help is in order if things are bad.

If it does snow tomorrow, maybe you could treat yourself to a cozy day in bed - with the aforementioned clean sheets! And spend the day looking out the window, appreciating the fact that you don't have to go out in it.

I'll be up for a while, so will check back to see if you've posted again before I go to bed.

Trina
Just because the monkey is off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town -- George Carlin

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by Iroquois » 15 Apr 2016 04:17

Sorry CT and Trina,

I think I was just thinking aloud! I never just get a little depressed, I seem to fall into the black hole with every thought and mood, body and soul.

I am heading off to bed, I am actually reading a good book, so that will take me away for a while! I watched some sitcoms and got a few laughs so that helped. My AA message for tomorrow was all about getting over myself and helping others! A good message since I was wallowing in self pity!

Thanks for the caring, I needed it, see it is tough to talk about money to people! Trina, forewarned, don't expect miracles from Medicare, it can be a bit lacking in a lot of things. Medicaid is the jewel to have, covers so many more things than Medicare, I will have to apply for it in the fairly near future! Then I will be eligible for a lot more things. But it is still so worrisome to know that gradually I am running out of money and my SS is so meager. Trina, be sure and get all the Plans: A,B and D, I have Medicare Complete so most prescriptions are covered. Although they do have something called Bier's List (I think that is the name) where a group of doctors made a determination of how much and what medicines "elderly" folks should take! So, Medicare won't pay for things that are on the "no no" list. Great, huh?

Ok, I better have some more chocolate and get to bed. I am reading a Maeve Binchy book! The Scarlet Feather. Anyone read it? I love Maeve's books, I will review it on the Book Club when I finish!

Thanks, guys, onward and upward! \:)/
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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by Iroquois » 15 Apr 2016 20:46

Sorry I was Deanna Downer, yesterday! Remember Debby Downer from SNL? Waaaa, Waaaa, Waaaaa!

I find it hard to have a normal life, so I get down so easily. it is hard for me to do normal things because of my disability, and lack of money coming in! There I said it! So, I have to sit back now and then and remind myself just how much I do have, how lucky I am to live in a free country, where women are pretty much equal (that needs work!). I have plenty of food, I have plenty of fun things to do, I might not have everything I would like, but I have ENOUGH!

So no more DOOM and GLOOM! I am going to weather the storm that is coming with hot soup and plenty of coffee and fizzy water! The rain should start this afternoon and it is going to be heavy and then it will switch to heavy, wet snow, thanks to our friend, Canada, sending down a lot of cold air!!!! I think El Nina has taken over and we can thank her for the moisture, anyway it will be coming from the west, the Pacific Ocean, I think, sans salt! :lol2: Lots of rivers will be overflowing, that hardly ever run or are fairly low most of the time. The Frenchman Creek in my hometown will run and that only happens only once or twice a year!!!! Most of the time it is dry! It is named the Frenchman because evidently one of the French explorers/fur traders must have said so!!!! Most rivers and creeks in my neck of the woods have Native American names, like Arickaree, Niabrara and towns, Ogallala, Brule, Yuma, Red Feather, Broken Bow, etc. We treated Native Americans horribly, but we sure latched onto a lot of their names for stuff!!!

Sorry, hope that wasn't too boring, I live in a beautiful part of the country, and my city, Denver, is exactly 5280 feet above sea level, so we are the Mile High City!!!! When you are driving from the plains to the city, you actually don't even notice the gradual elevation to get that high!

Ok, best wishes fellow soberies, <:)> I will keep you posted on the weather! Deanna :mrgreen:
There isn't enough alcohol in the world to make you happier, calmer, prettier, more clever or less angry.
Only sobriety will help you achieve these attributes.

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by Iroquois » 15 Apr 2016 20:54

Cham, I forgot!

I have found a new combination of Melatonin and Benadryl that help me get drowsy and fall asleep! Better than all the things my NP prescribed that I seemed to have reactions to.

I take a little more than they suggest, because I am so "brain on ever present thought mode" so often! So, I take about 20 mg of Melatonin and 20 to 40 Mg of Benadryl, and within an hour, I feel pretty drowsy. I often take a second dose if I wake up a few hours later. Both of these can be bought OTC and easily purchased on big sites like Amazon, etc.

Worth a try, insomnia just seems to come with the territory of alcohol recovery! Insomnia led to many of my binge fails, so it is good to finally get sleep! Hope it works for any of you ceiling watchers!

Deanna :mrgreen:
There isn't enough alcohol in the world to make you happier, calmer, prettier, more clever or less angry.
Only sobriety will help you achieve these attributes.

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ChamomileTea
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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by ChamomileTea » 16 Apr 2016 14:34

Hey Deanna!

No need to be sorry! I'm not saying you don't have valid reasons to be down, but sometimes all of us get down.

I asked my always optimistic cheerful friend once "how are you so happy with your life?". He's divorced, but has a mostly civil relationship with his ex, and was at the time single and looking. So not "bliss", just a normal guy. He said "I appreciate the small things". And I think that's the trick. Yes -- we are both intrinsically lucky to live in the countries we do, to be women where women aren't oppressed, to not be homeless. But... I sometimes find real joy in little things -- like how my house is tidy, or my sheets are clean, or my car is reliable, or something has gone wrong and I've sorted it out without upset.

I don't do it all the time because sometimes the world looks terrible and bleak and hopeless. But even then there are little things that have stopped me from hitting bottom. And when I say bottom I mean bottle!!! That is: I live alone so I can make mess and not clean up after myself without being told off. If I have insomnia, there's no one to complain and make me sad if I get up every half hour to make tea, use the loo, get a charger for my kindle, etc. That I have friends in real life who will come if I ask, and respect my privacy if I don't. That i have friends on here who will listen and give advice like no one who hasn't been through this can.

Some of those are big things actually, but a lot are just little things that are worth appreciating.

Anyway don't listen to me as only a page or two ago I was like "aaaaarrrrgh benzos are making me cry". But I'm trying.

Enough preaching from me!

I have heard lots of good things about Melatonin elsewhere on this board actually. I've never tried it. I have tried 5-HTP and found it worse than useless (it doesn't work for everyone). I can't currently try melatonin as it's a no-no with SSRIs, but it's probably good advice for other insomniacs. We have benadryl in various forms (Diphenhydramine -- ours are "Nytol" and similar) but I've not found it's worked for me when I have bad insomnia. It's good for the milder mind racing type. Usually I can focus on one thing enough to stop the mind wandering, but sometimes I have this buzzing in my head that completely stops me sleeping. It's weird. It's absolutely horrible, but goes away when I turn on the lights and do something else. Sometimes I sleep with the light on to avoid it.

I've mentioned all of this to my doctor -- she says "it's anxiety". Which does explain it, but then so do a number of other possbilities. Alcohol-related thyroid damage is top of my list, but good luck getting any doctor here to test for that when they can just prescribe antidepressants.

I'd push harder, but when I'm down I have *no* fight in me. And when I'm better, I have to admit that antidepressants have done wonders for me. Even if it's just treating hte symptoms, the symptoms are what paralyse me and keep me in bed when I should be at work. So it's ok with me.

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by Iroquois » 16 Apr 2016 20:55

Hi gang, :\:

Not to worry, Cham, I was only self talking, slapping myself silly for being so stupidly dismal! I have to remind myself all of the time that I didn't lose my intelligence and good brain to alcohol, I don't have to wear a burka or hijjabb (?), I don't have to go to work and put up with people bossing me around, :lol2: surly folks that call me a vampire and tell me they don't like needles!!!!! If I had a nickel for everytime someone told me those two things, I would be basking on a beach somewhere, sipping a non alcoholic drink! :D Remember, I went back to school and became a lab tech after my newspaper career!!!! It really is the little things, all in all, I am glad we are both on the positive page instead of the negative one, today!

I think that I took ADs so long that they quit working. I just got sick of them making my hands so shaky and that seemed to be the only thing that happened, really. The old tricyclics helped me sleep, but got the swollen legs, ankles, etc. with them.

A lot of times, I get a good night's sleep after I have had two bad night's sleep! So, I always rejoice on those nights. My depression has such a direct path from lack of sleep that I am always concerned about that! Actually, I am glad to get any sleep at all, since for so long I would go for 5 to 7 nights trapped in an insomnia nightmare! And when I finally went to sleep, it would be just for 4 or 5 hours, and I would wake up bathed in sweat, as though I had been running a marathon. I do really think that was a part of withdrawal from alcohol and Benzos and I never want to relive that particular hell.

I am glad to be able to vent on here, too, otherwise it would all be jingling and jangling inside my head, like rats in a maze! Oh by the way, I got my two books of Mazes, and they look pretty difficult, yikes, have to let go of my perfectionistic need to always be right, and prepare to fail now and then!!!!

I have rambled on enough, stay strong all, every day AF is a wonderful day, even if you are slap happy or a bit on the woeful side. Because, you know that alcohol is not going to take you down any further! Chances are, in a day or two, you will be back to being cheery! (::)

Deanna :mrgreen:
There isn't enough alcohol in the world to make you happier, calmer, prettier, more clever or less angry.
Only sobriety will help you achieve these attributes.

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by Iroquois » 17 Apr 2016 21:44

Hi Cham, jaded, Sarah,

Hope everyone is doing ok! I am in a grand mood today, but that always scares me a little, because it often means a deep plunge into the dark abyss! I wonder sometimes if I have bipolar. I had a psychiatrist tell me I probably was. But she was just a prescribing psychiatrist and only asked me 3 questions!!!! I wrote her off as full of s**t! Imagine being that kind of psychiatrist, she actually got a bit annoyed with me when I tried to talk about my problems and feelings! "I am a prescribing psychiatrist, and am here to determine what medicine is best," she said. So then she prescribed a week or two worth of some kind of "bipolar" meds. They worked pretty well with my illegal Benzos to zone out as I recall! I never went back to her, I thought what a crock!

But then I had a nurse tell me once, that maybe the mania part was anxiety, so that made me think! I don't know, it is so hard to find a psychiatrist, such a shortage. I guess that is why they have "just prescribing" docs, to try to cover the slack!

Don't know why I got off on that, just can't be in a good mood without overanalyzing it! Off to a shower, and my good book. Snow has abated a bit, and the sun is trying to peak through. Hope everyone is doing well, and sticking with the days! Take care, and hope all is well where you are today!

Deanna :mrgreen:
There isn't enough alcohol in the world to make you happier, calmer, prettier, more clever or less angry.
Only sobriety will help you achieve these attributes.

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by ChamomileTea » 18 Apr 2016 00:55

Quick post from me as I really must be getting to bed. Slept in late this morning though so not really tired yet!

Deanna -- I know exactly what you mean -- I have had these crazy mood swings too. The ups are really great!! The downs are, y'know. It's better than being down all the time though.

I wonder if it's a post-alcohol thing. I'm sure I didn't have mood swings like this before booze.

They do love their antipsychotics, don't they? I've not been offered them, but I bet if I described my symptoms they probably would. I wouldn't want to level out somewhere in the middle though -- I live for the days when I'm hyper!

Right, I'm off to bed. Hopefully I'll sleep well as I've done lots of gardening today -- quite tiring!

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by Iroquois » 18 Apr 2016 22:29

Hi Cham,

Hope you slept well after the gardening! That sounds like fun, I miss having my flower bed to tend to, now I just have to get pots of plants for my patio. And can't do that for another month or so, just too up and down weather in the spring. A few pots of petunias and the like can run quite a bit so don't want to risk them freezing! :(

I went on and checked bipolar meds, and it looks to me like they will throw just about anything at it and hope it sticks! Lots of anti-seizure meds, good old gabapentin, lithium, and the antipsychotics. During my career as a lab tech, I drew a lot of blood from people, and in doing so, got to watch their behavior in a way. In no way, would I ever consent to take lithium, that might level out mood swings, and I guess it is called the gold standard, but oh dear. These people would be like zombies on lithium, slurry speech, slow thoughts, stumbly walking, just would not go there! I took risperdal, the anti psychotic,but in such a low dose that I don't think it did much.

An anti psychotic would be worth it, if it would help with the anxiety, which seems to be my main mind block, right now. In order to remain sober, I seem to have to be reclusive, anti-social to keep the nerves calm. I want to be social again, so must work on that sans alcohol crutch. But, I have never been much of a mixer, I have always been a loner. I am fairly content with a sedate life, never have been able to stand too bright lights, gobs of people, loud music and noise. Unless, I was drinking, of course. I guess I will just let things go as they will, and try to overcome the self induced isolation!!!! :lol2:

Hope all is well with you CT, good day at work? I forgot to tell you I admire your profession highly! Good thing we have an ocean between us, because I would probably be dragging my tired old computer to you for fixes and advice!

Hope all is ok with all here, Deanna :mrgreen:
There isn't enough alcohol in the world to make you happier, calmer, prettier, more clever or less angry.
Only sobriety will help you achieve these attributes.

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by Iroquois » 19 Apr 2016 20:17

Any three monthers around today?

Hope all is well with everyone! <:)>
There isn't enough alcohol in the world to make you happier, calmer, prettier, more clever or less angry.
Only sobriety will help you achieve these attributes.

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by ChamomileTea » 22 Apr 2016 23:10

Hey everyone!!

So I went quiet -- I usually post in the evenings after work but the last few days have just been crazy. Interviewing people is good! It's easier than I thought it would be. I've always been on the other side of the situation, and I assumed that being the interviewer would be really hard. But it's actually fine.

But my gosh, the thing that's really had me stressed and upset and freaked is that my cat brought a MASSIVE RAT into the house!!!! I was leaving the house Tuesday morning and I saw it on the kitchen counter. So horrible. I'm not phobic about rodents, but it's just awful having a huge filthy nasty thing running around the house squeaking.

So... I haven't been eating or sleeping properly, and I'm feeling rubbish as a result. I think the rat has either escaped or died. Not a great result.

I'm not feeling super awful, but this is definitely going to have to be a "be nice to myself" weekend. Not sure how I can be any more self indulgent than I already am, but I will try!! Sorry for being quiet. I feel like I don't have anything to say, and not in a good way. I'm a bit of a blank at the moment.

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by pickles » 23 Apr 2016 10:55

Hi CT, hope you got a good rest and the day is brighter. Sometimes the three month mark can make us feel a bit 'itchy' but hope you can get out today.

That must have been a nasty 'surprise' with the rat. I remember our family cats always bringing back "goodies" :?

Look after yourself <:)>

I just read your post Iraquois , my daughter takes risperdal , has done so for the last few years , small dose.

Hi to everyone else:), Have a good day all.
' Normal ' is just a setting on the washing machine .

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by Iroquois » 23 Apr 2016 19:54

Hi Cham and Pickles and anyone else,

I guess we all have roller coaster ups and downs, on here. I just have no motivation to do anything, can't make a decision on so many things. My apt. looks like a tornado hit it, and I find it hard to summon up the gumption to tackle any cleaning. The grandies are coming tomorrow so I better get something done!

I wish I could have kept taking the resperidal, Pickles, I think I might bring up the bipolar thing with my NP the next time I see her. She gets rather tired of my self diagnosing and self medicating! Really, I wonder why? Has your daughter benefitted from it do you think?

Cham, do you think Monty ate the rat? Goodness, I would have been freaked out, too! I once had a huge Starling bird get into my little apt. through a chimney that had been covered up with a pie tin! I felt like I was in Edgar Allen Poe's poem! Quoth the Raven, Nevermore! Or maybe the Hitchcock movie, "The Birds." I propped open the door, and chased the poor thing out with a broom! Fortunately, he was all too ready to fly out the door, so I didn't have too much chaos!

Well, hope everyone has more ambition than I have today, but I better try to do some tidying up around here! My cats are shedding like crazy now and my long hair boy is matted up as usual in the spring. I need to tackle his knots one by one. He is not very patient with this de-pelting, but he always feels better when the chore is done. I do it in segments, keeps the growls, scratches and general huffiness to a minimum each time! Thankfully my other cat is a short fur, so he requires no grooming by me.

Take care all, Deanna :mrgreen:
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Only sobriety will help you achieve these attributes.

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by ChamomileTea » 24 Apr 2016 14:38

Hey Pickles and Deanna,

Nice to read your posts :) Funny you should mention 3 months Pickles -- I've just realised I passed the 3 month mark a week ago and didn't even notice! So for the first time ever I'm officially going to head to the 6 month thread! Some bits of the last 3 months have been easier than before, because I'm used to not drinking. But some have been just as hard as stuff that has caused me to go back to drinking during previous attempts.

Hope you managed to get some tidying done Deanna! I like it when my house is tidy, but I really don't like cleaning/tidying, so it's always the first thing to go when I'm feeling under the weather or unmotivated. At least we live alone so there's no one to hassle us! Of course, it should be that if we cohabitaed, the other person would pick up the slack, but it never seemed to turn out that way for me! It'd just be two person's mess to tidy.

I have no idea what happened to the rat!! I think if Monty had managed to eat it, there would have been quite a lot of blood. I was thinking about it, and talking to my mum, and we think that probably Monty couldn't have carried a live, uninjured rat through the cat flap. So perhaps it got in some other way. That's equally horrible, but at least I can put down (cat safe!) poison around ventilation ducts and drains, and get some of those ultrasonic things that hurt rodents' ears. I'm still not happy about it but I'm feeling much more calm now I haven't seen it or heard it in a while, and I've had two good nights of sleep.

Monty is also shedding at the moment. He's a short haired cat so he doesn't get matted, thank goodness. And he likes being groomed -- he'll roll over so I can brush both sides, so sweet. I don't need to brush him, but since we both like it it cuts down on the hair everywhere. At the moment though he's mega moody with me cos I put some of that Spot On flea stuff on him yesterday. He's never had fleas and I like to keep it that way! He hates it though -- he's in full "mistreated mog" mode.

I'm off to 6 months now! Actually, I'm off for lunch, then 6 months :)

Thank you for all your support in this thread everyone! Hopefully I'll find some former 3 monthers in the 6 month thread. And I hope anyone who has gone quiet is ok and staying well.

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by ODAAT » 20 Jun 2016 08:37

I join this thread tomorrow - thought i would bump it!
#58 2016 Challenge - Sober 21/04/16 onwards
#44 2017 Challenge - Complete
#44 2018 Challenge - Complete
#44 2019 Challenge - ODAAT

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by fresh-start » 25 Jul 2016 02:56

Bumping it again Will as our friend Clanger is coming across here too! \:)/ \:)/

You feeling better now my love?

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by clanger » 25 Jul 2016 07:46

Morning freshie, thanks for bumping the thread! Well, here we are racing toward 3 months sober. Yay for us :lol2: !

May 24th 2016 was one of the worst days of my life. My daily drinking habit had spiralled out of control over about a 6 week period to 2 bottles of wine or so a day and I couldn't stop for some reason. 24th was the first time I'd had physical withdrawal symptoms - I was shaking, nauseous, had a rapid pulse, sky high blood pressure and anxiety. I could barely walk at one point, had to leave work and for the next 3 days thought I might have to be hospitalised, have a seizure, hallucinations, the DTs, or even die. I didn't realise how easy and quick it was for something that had become a normalised daily habit to spiral completely out of control. I do realise, though how quick and easy it is to fool ourselves that things weren't really that bad, or that we won't let things get that bad again. So I'm posting this as a reminder and acknowledgement to myself that it did actually happen, and that I'm very lucky the consequences aren't more grave than they seem to be.

Anyway, onward and upwards!

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Re: The Three Month Challenge.

Post by fresh-start » 25 Jul 2016 08:59

Congratulations Clanger on making it to the 3 month challenge! \:)/

Very poignant words there. <:)>

Keep up the good work, its nice being so clear headed on a Monday morning don't you think?

I too was approaching 2 bottles a day.

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