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The First 7 Days

greycat
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by greycat » 10 Feb 2015 01:52

I'm back at the end of Day 6...I wanted to make sure this time I could make it stick before making another false start.

After my father's death last month and learning that I, his eldest son, who had never wronged him, was not even mentioned in his will, and a short, stupid binge after my initial shock - I got back on my feet and held out AF for a couple of days. But even more heartbreaks, growing hopelessness, old wounds in my heart I didn't know were there opened up... it finally pushed me off the wagon again...or should I say, cliff. I was not brave enough to hang on.

I really ruined my recent 53 AF days - VERY badly - with 10 days of desperately trying to drown the pain...knowingly trading my healthy sobriety once again for that quick but poisonous escape we know too well. During that time I could not have cared less about living...but was too afraid of taking quicker and irreversible action.

But somewhere, somehow, I decided I wanted to live...and George Herbert's well-known saying "Living well is the best revenge" kept looping over and over in my head. Why should I let heartless, cruel people destroy me? Why should I accept their very poor treatment of me? "Damn them!" something screamed in my head. "Live! And live WELL! I love you!"

I don't really know who the "I" is - part of me?...or something greater? There is nobody close in my life anymore. But I poured the rest of the bottle down the sink and struggled through all the expected agonies of withdrawal - grateful, at least, that I knew them well and was not so frightened by the sweating, nausea, anxiety, crying, insomnia, soaring blood pressure, etc., etc., that I know so well. But this time I swore I would never let anyone send me through that hell again.

To completely change gears, I see a few people here struggling with insomnia. From long experience, I've found that magnesium (especially magnesium glycinate) helps me a lot, balanced with calcium (also calming, and which also helps temper the acid reflux caused by alcohol). I personally avoid magnesium oxide (the cheapest and most available magnesium unfortunately) because it is just like a strong laxative for me (it is actually used in many OTC laxative formulations) and it could therefore lead to dehydration, a danger in withdrawal. Both magnesium (esp. glycinate) and calcium are considered quite safe and I would say can be taken in larger doses without concern. I've read in many places that heavy drinkers are almost ALWAYS deficient in magnesium and B1 (thiamine), which I also take in large doses during withdrawal. Experts have warned that it can be dangerous to consume sweets of any kind in withdrawal without heavy supplementation of B1 first. (Google "Wernicke's encephalopathy").

All my love and support to everyone here! <:)> I'm so glad to come back home!

Trina
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Trina » 10 Feb 2015 03:20

Welcome back, GC, and good on you for stopping the downward spiral and coming back here. 53 days is amazing and no one can take that away from you. It sounds as though you have a great attitude toward sobriety - I know you will do great.

Trina (I'm on day 46 for the first time ever. day 53 is uncharted territory that I hope to explore!!)
Just because the monkey is off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town -- George Carlin

perspective300
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by perspective300 » 10 Feb 2015 08:20

Hi everyone,

Haven't been online for a while.

I was doing really well with the no alcohol, around 3 weeks. I was starting to feel that I was doing okay. My OH was helping me with the no alcohol and it was great to have support. Thankfully he doesn't drink much so he rarely buys booze.

Two days ago I ended up going out and buying booze. I had two beers, then yesterday a bottle of wine and today I've already had a large glass of wine (it's 8.17am). I feel like I've taken a huge step back. I can tell my OH is disappointed in me, especially coming home yesterday to find me drunk and an empty bottle of wine in the recycling bin.

I had a drink this morning because I just felt really disappointed in myself and I know the alcohol gives me that buzz and makes me feel better.

I am going to start day one properly tomorrow. I want to beat my 3 week record.

How is everyone else? Sorry I haven't had time to catch up, but I hope to be on this forum a lot more nowadays.

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Hedgehog
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Hedgehog » 10 Feb 2015 08:35

Day 5.

perspective - take it easy today. Try not to overdo it. Give yourself plenty of rest, good food, and prepare yourself for day 1 tomorrow. Don't wake up tomorrow with a hangover from hell - that won't help. You know the drill. <:)>

Blackjack - I like the sound of adult colouring books. I find drawing/colouring very relaxing and time-consuming. Will definitely look into them. Thanks! ;)?

I've been eating very healthy these last 4 days, however today is a danger day so I'm making a HUGE bowl of pasta for later. I mean HUGE. :lol:

Keep going everyone - we all know it's so worth it. \:)/
Breaking on through to the other side. \:)/

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Weisir
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Weisir » 10 Feb 2015 08:42

Perspective, you could start today..?
Now you've maybe had some more wine, could it be an idea to let that work and sleep some?
You could pour the rest out, go to bed for some hours, and wake up to a "new" day. It would be a shorter one, but you could spend it like you would with a bad cold.
You have not taken no steps back, this is just a slip, and you can keep going from here.
Your OH may not be dissapointed in you, but rather worried that you've given up. And you havent!
Talk to him maybe?
Let him support you.


Greycat, what an awful time you've been through.
It's so good you chose life, even though it hurts so much. You have the ability to see hope even at the worst of times, and the strength to chop through the jungle towards it - that it so amazing. You have my utmost respect, and I hope so much you will be seeing brighter days now.
The Sun / Is Free


A sort of blog: Oenochoai.com/road
Doing a diary there now during my stay at a detox place.

Zandra 1
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Zandra 1 » 10 Feb 2015 09:37

Hi all xxx \:)/ the first seven day's is always Dog poo when you start off, and some of us are experts at ending up back here time after time, but the good thing is we do come back here and keep trying until we become experts for longer periods AF, or hopefully to where ever it is we want to achieve. ;)?

Personally I'm aiming for total sobriety for good as no alcohol is good for you at all even in small amounts as was once believed. Further research now proves that any alcohol causes problems within the body, and that 'red wine is good for you in small dose' completely false, no alcohol is 'Medicinal' in any amount or form, it all causes damage. :o

I am not saying that MY choices are what everyone should choose, but for me when you have all the information to make well informed choices to go against what you know to be true beyond all reasonable doubt is like banging your head against a wall and that damages you as well. And eventually 'survival' and the 'will to live' becomes stronger than wanting to drowned life out and something will click in to place and you find your stride. Then walk along your path become smother, easier, more joyful and your awareness kicks in and help's you keep control. 8-)

Also i found that now is the time you need Humor as a lot of us spend time cruising the web for ages during recovery and can give our self 'Cybercondria' by getting freaked out reading other peoples trial and errors going through the same thing as us. Although 'fore warned is fore armed' it does not mean that every negative thing you read will happen to you. Or will your, brain, mind, body, life or Spirit never get 100% better, as in time it all will as long as you don't keep doing the same thing and expect different endings as drinking always ends up the wrong side of the tracks. :evil:

We are all different and you can't measure what will or won't happen to you by judging yourself against some one elses story for thats what it is, some one else story, we all write our own story and only read some one elses not live it. And as for humor i watch comedy, adult carton's, and read humorous blogs like this one.......
http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; which also has links in the menu on the right to other funny blogs. uplifting or relaxing music, guided meditation and Hypnosis whether on YouTube or else where are helpful too.

Love to everyone Zandra xxxx <:)> <:)> <:)>
Make the best use of what is in your power, and take the rest as it happens.
Epictetus

All philosophy in two words, — sustain and abstain.
Epictetus

Born to rock and roll
not roll rock bottom
by Zandra

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Action
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Action » 10 Feb 2015 10:01

Hi Everyone.
Day 2 commences for me ;)?

Greycat, just as the others have said, I admire your determination to live life and to pick up where you left off with your sobriety. I am sorry that you had to have such a disappointment. A similar thing happened to me when my father died, long story, but in the end it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

P300 - you will beat you 3 week record. If you can avoid anymore wine today then you will be able to minimise your own disappointment and do reach out to your OH. <:)>

I like the sound of those colouring books. I nearly brought a couple as Christmas presents ... I might have to get one now :D I'm always looking for something to take away the boredom I experience at night when I'm AF.

Have a good day everyone ;)?
#38 on 2020 Challenge
Take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet.

Hunnie
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Hunnie » 10 Feb 2015 11:17

Day 7.
Really very proud to have got here, it's definitely unchartered waters for me!

Due to shift patterns I know I won't drink today - so feeling confident(ish)!

I will shuffle over to the two week challenge tomorrow, but before I do, a big THANK YOU to everyone here, checking in each day, and reading the BE forum has helped me so much - in time I hope I can do the same for others.

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want2bhealthy
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by want2bhealthy » 10 Feb 2015 11:58

Hi Michelle great to see you. I was worried as I know you have a lot of really stressful situations going on at home <:)>

Greycat it is nice to see you again just not on the 7 day <:)> I remember from your posts last year when you were doing so well that your family has not always treated you so nicely and I guess that continues. I am glad you have decided to fight despite their last knife to your back. You can't change the past but you can make the future amazing which as you said is the best revenge.

Hedge great job having a big plan for the dreaded day 5. You and Bodger seem to have got your Mojo back.

Hunnie well done (::) on to the Tweekers with you!

Hi Action hope you are feeling much better today.

Perspective you can get back to the mindset you had for the 3 weeks earlier this year. Stop the wine now and start hydrating so you will feel better tomorrow. We will all be here with you.

A quick Hi to Weisir, Blackjack, Lauren and the amazing Zandra thanks for popping in with some wisdom.
It begins in chilhood as a deep insecurity and the alcohol itself is the medicine to that insecurity. Without it most alcoholics are easily identifiable because they simply don't know how to operate.

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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Blackjack » 10 Feb 2015 15:25

Hi all,
Thanks for welcoming me back, love reading all of your posts. I was actually excited to get up this morning and meet up with you all on the 7 day challenge! And this is a major trigger day for me because tomorrow is the 40th anniversary of my brother's death, still miss him after all these years. He and I were youngsters on a farm so we were our only playmates for many years. He was only 30 when he died because of an accident on the job. There has been many a year when I have got blind drunk around Feb. 11 to ease the pain.

But not this year, because I have all of you to give encouragement, hope and and this wonderful site to give a chance to vent.

Greycat, be ever so proud of the AF days you have chalked up! Think of those good days as you march on one day at a time. I have had estrangements in my family, too, because of my boozing, and nearly lost my only child, my daughter, because of a horribly fiery, nasty anger toward her and her OH when I was drinking so heavily. She is ever so gradually coming back to me so I must stay sober so that I will keep her and my 2 grandchildren in my life. I often think what a silly old bag I am, still drinking at age 67!

Yes, Mag oxide is definitely a laxative. I can only describe the results of it as absolutely explosive diarrhea!!!! And, as you all know, the drink in any form can cause that disorder, too. Which always makes me wonder why we crave this awful poison that gives us so many ghastly maladies.

Day 3 sober for me! I am glad you all are getting interested in the coloring books, I just ordered 3 new ones of ladies dresses and ball gowns. Currently I am still coloring Christmas ornaments. I just realized I missed Christmas and kept on with that book! Lol!

Better go get an ice cold glass of V-8 and then put on a pot of coffee, I slept last night, but not that much. Hope I will get in more hours tonight. Decided not to fret about it so much, time enough to sleep when I'm dead! Ha, ha!

Deanna

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Action
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Action » 10 Feb 2015 16:01

Having a snooze before a meeting tonight...tired but pleased to be sober.
#38 on 2020 Challenge
Take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet.

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want2bhealthy
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by want2bhealthy » 11 Feb 2015 01:15

Hi Deanna,
Sorry to hear you have a sad anniversary coming up <:)> That must be very hard but well done deciding to get through it AF this year. That will be a triumph! I am on day 3 with you so lets cheer eachother on this week.

Hi Action well done today. You seem to be in a great frame of mind!

Check with you all in the am,
Kate
It begins in chilhood as a deep insecurity and the alcohol itself is the medicine to that insecurity. Without it most alcoholics are easily identifiable because they simply don't know how to operate.

greycat
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by greycat » 11 Feb 2015 06:56

Good-bye for now, dear friends,

I finally feel like this may well be my very last time to say farewell to Week One...and somehow, it seems like it needs to be done with some ceremony.

Maybe fittingly, this last binge was my WORST, both chemically and emotionally. Still quite shaky. It's hard to concentrate, to hold a coherent conversation, or to remember why I got up and went into the next room! So I guess I'll just stay here and talk to you until I remember what was so important to do in there.

Fortunately cravings are not strong, but for better or worse, I'm on benzos to control the cravings, the anxiety, insomnia, and all that, which means another withdrawal ahead :roll: (slow taper as I can't safely c/t from benzos - I hate that!) I've simply had to back out of invitations, cancel financial consultations, etc., because my sleep patterns are totally f****d up, and I can't think calmly or clearly. Actually, feeling a bit agoraphobic at present.

More than ever, age is a significant factor. Deanna <:)> , I'm not very far behind you. I certainly share your views about drinking at our ages (and I too lashed out so many times and deeply hurt dear people when I was drunk). AND also about magnesium oxide. I actually typed "explosive diarrhea" in my previous message at first, but felt maybe I should be more "discreet"...I LOVED that you said just what it does!! Add alcohol to it and it's like dynamite blowing up the sewer!! Hahahaha!!! I had a great laugh over that!!! (I still have a 12-year-old's sense of humor.)

Deanna, I also share your feelings about the anniversary of deaths - my younger brother - my closest (and funniest) friend when we were young - also died on the job. He was a high-rise welder. After once again being mistreated and shunned by our parents, he was drunk on the job and fell several storeys to the street below. Months before, he had said he wanted to die. I joined BE on his birthday because I was afraid I would start drinking and crying out of control that day.

W2BH...Kate <:)> , how compassionate of you to remember the posts about my family troubles. You described this final episode with my father perfectly - "the last knife to my back". He was the last of the major abusers in this cruel mockery of a family, and he obviously meant to hurt me to the very end of his life. I have no more delusions that there was ever any love there. No more false hopes or torturous uncertainties. Gone with the alcohol. I hope my stepfamily enjoy their inheritances, while I leave retirement to go back to work. Sober - in every sense of that word.

Action <:)> , thank you for your commiseration, too. Mutual understanding and validation of this kind of pain mean so much! Like yours, my story is very long and complicated, only a fraction of it in my old posts from last year. Life's struggles are rarely simple, and the inexplicable complexities and confusions can be awful triggers to drink to the point when you no longer agonize over trying to figure it all out. (But then everything is even worse when the booze wears off.) I'm very glad yours turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I'm not sure what's next in my story, but at least I'm finally certain of how things basically always were, and certain of where I stand at this moment. It isn't happy news right now, but the blessing is that there is no more self-doubt...and the torment is over.

Weisir, sincere thanks for those very kind and supportive words! <:)> I wish I could live up to your praise, but I think a good part of my strength to chop through the jungle has always come from a fear of dying a horrible, painful death there, stuck in toxic swamp water. I desperately want to make it out into the happy, golden light of the open clearing that must be somewhere up ahead.

Trina <:)> , thank you for your immediate support. Yes, it was a downward spiral that was increasing in speed until something shouted me awake and I realized to my horror that if I didn't pull my parachute cord, my body would be crushed and I could never expect to have the sweet revenge of finally living well. And they would win.

Pajama Girl <:)> , I so appreciate your compassionate words...and the images! Cat (lion) + eagle = griffin! I'm a griffin in training! I always felt that I was not a "normal" being, and this would explain it! :D How liberating! Get on my back and let's all FLY out of this jungle!

"Up, up, and away!" as Hedgehog says! Perspective, Lauren, Hunnie, Stitch, Zendra, Michelle (hope I didn't leave anyone out...wait...Will, come back here!), I hope to see everyone again soon.

All my best to everyone,

Greycat
"The Griffin"
Last edited by greycat on 12 Feb 2015 05:07, edited 1 time in total.

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Bodger
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Bodger » 11 Feb 2015 08:12

Day One.

Feeling disgusted, ashamed and angry at myself.

Here we go again.
O God, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains! that we should, with joy, pleasance, revel, and applause, transform ourselves into beasts! ~William Shakespeare

jaxom7

Re: The First 7 Days

Post by jaxom7 » 11 Feb 2015 08:40

Don't Bodger, just don't go there. OK, disappointment is allowed but it stops there. This is an addiction 'kay? It drives us into doing what we do not want to do. The shame and self-loathing are natural but it comes from the addiction and its aftermath. You think these are weasel words just to make you feel good? Oh no. Think on this. You are here, you have admitted to yourself and us that you have a problem. That is a massive hurdle to get over and one which we too readily dismiss. It started there, your recovery. You are now in recovery and that can never be taken away from you. Keeping off the booze is a really hard problem and I do not want to minimise it but if you but knew it you have already overcome the biggest hurdle. Come on fellah, ten minutes at a time if need be. When the drink calls, stare it down. You are bigger and better than it will ever be. You have it within yourself. You CAN do this. You are on the cusp. Gentle shove and off you go and it will be hard but not as hard as you imagine. Look, fine for me to say cos I have cracked it for the moment but do you really think some magical fairy waved a wand and my life became bliss. No! I did what we all have to do. I struggled and struggled and one day broke free. You can do that. I am nobody special, just an ordinary guy. I did it and so can you. Forget yesterday, put it behind you and move on.

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want2bhealthy
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by want2bhealthy » 11 Feb 2015 11:45

Greycat it has been an honor being on this thread with you this week and I truly am sure it will be your last time here. Onward and upward only for you.

Bodger I believe it was 5 days last week, slip, 5 days this week. That is 10 out of 12 sober days and nothing to be ashamed of. I have been reading ahead on some of the longer threads and some of the people there slip and jump right back in. I think that is a good philosophy if it is a one day slip. That being said I usually don't let myself off the hook so you have to find what works for you. One day you will not need that drink on day 5 and you will sail on. At least that is what I am hoping for for both of us <:)> .

And Jaxom I am not convinced you and all the other long term folks are regular people. You all seem like superheros to me with big strong capes that carry you through the sky on the winds. I feel like the cricket who can only jump into a strong breeze and flap frantically for a while until the breeze dies and I fall back to earth. Wish I could find that cape.
It begins in chilhood as a deep insecurity and the alcohol itself is the medicine to that insecurity. Without it most alcoholics are easily identifiable because they simply don't know how to operate.

greycat
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by greycat » 11 Feb 2015 14:48

W2BH, it has been an honor (as well as an honour) to be on this thread with you! You put words to the wound that put me back here...that validated me and gave me strength. You are far more than a cricket! You're a fledgling hero and you'll be flying soon.
want2bhealthy wrote:And Jaxom I am not convinced you and all the other long term folks are regular people. You all seem like superheros to me with big strong capes that carry you through the sky on the winds.
AMEN! Jaxom, you wonderful, very special people who keep coming back all the way down here to pick up and nurture the fallen ARE superheroes!

And Bodger, I've been right where you are so many times I've lost count...in fact, just a week ago! But listen to Jaxom, friend! Read his great post again and again. And no matter how many times you have to start over, remember you're gonna sooner or later make it "over the wall". Instead of looking back and loathing yourself for not making it this time, look ahead and LOVE yourself for trying it again, however many times it takes.

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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Blackjack » 11 Feb 2015 16:45

Hi all, grey cat want2behealthy, and all others,

Proud to say day 4 and I am still sober, cravings bad last night and today, many times I would run to the liquor store at 9 a.m. or so and get wine after a couple of sleepless nights. Then binge until I fell into a stupor. I have just got to accept the insomnia, eventually I will sleep.

Grey Cat, I have been on benzos before, too, they won't give them to me anymore, I abused them too much. But the withdrawal from those feel good pills is worse than WD of alcohol, I think. I have read that it is comparable to WD from heroin, and I believe they are right. So get a taper, my friend!

I am going to have some breakfast, and then go rest some more. I have a young helper gal coming this afternoon to take out my trash and tidy up my house a little. My pelvis from the fracture is still weak and I have put on some 30 lbs. which makes it difficult to stand and walk for very long. But, at least I can walk.

Hang in there all of my fellow 7 dayer's we can make it this time!

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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by Stitch » 11 Feb 2015 16:52

I can only echo what has already been said. All the slips are important in understanding the nature of what you are dealing with. I'm happy with 7 months under my belt after a few false starts. As somebody once said, it's not how far you are away from your last drink, it's how far away you are from your next drink that's important.

greycat
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Re: The First 7 Days

Post by greycat » 12 Feb 2015 00:15

Hi Blackjack! <:)>
Blackjack wrote:Proud to say day 4 and I am still sober,
YAY!!! Hearty congratulations!!! \:)/
Blackjack wrote:cravings bad last night and today, many times I would run to the liquor store at 9 a.m. or so and get wine after a couple of sleepless nights.Then binge until I fell into a stupor. I have just got to accept the insomnia, eventually I will sleep.
Wow, been there, done ALL that! Unbelievable how we get ourselves into such horrible "vicious circle" waking nightmares!! But again, hearty congratulations on Day 4 and riding out the cravings! ;)? We're only 4 days apart, so let's stick this damn thing out together - stay with me - I can certainly see that we've got a lot in common! I know you know (objectively) that you'll eventually sleep, but I think it helps (subjectively) to hear it again from another who has gone through it all before, too - YES, good, normal sleep WILL return.
Blackjack wrote:Grey Cat, I have been on benzos before, too, they won't give them to me anymore, I abused them too much. But the withdrawal from those feel good pills is worse than WD of alcohol, I think. I have read that it is comparable to WD from heroin, and I believe they are right. So get a taper, my friend!
YUP! I'm also guilty of serious abuse - benzos with alcohol - the ultimate stupid and lethal setup for totally messing up your nervous system, if you don't kill yourself first. I really shot my nerves this time! I go from feeling drugged to incapacitating agitation, with a brief period of feeling okay in the middle. I'm definitely working on a taper - got all my pills counted out into a 14-compartment box (AM & PM, 7 days) - been through this before, but this time is probably the worst and most unpredictable - it's a nightmare getting off benzos! The big difference from alcohol is when you've got the carefully measured dose of benzo in you that's right for the particular time of day, you seem completely normal and functional - nobody else understands or suspects how precariously you're balanced between lethargy and panic. It is DEFINITELY far worse than stopping alcohol! It takes so long to taper off and tapering requires constant, painstaking attention all day long, every day. (And I'm not even going to start on what it does to my blood pressure - disturbingly "all over the map" is all I want to say.)

So this time I have messed up my biochemistry so badly that even my old faithful coffee now has VERY unpredictable results - one day, I drink it in the morning after a night of poor sleep, and it makes me super drowsy!! I drink it in the afternoon to shake off the grogginess after an unexpected but unavoidable nap in the middle of the day and it makes me extremely agitated and shaky!! And each day it's different. I'm cutting out caffeine as of right now. Never know what I'm going to get. (Of course, there's withdrawal involved with caffeine too! :x )

I know I should be posting on Tweekers, but I read your post and had to reply - I totally identify with it. And I want to make sure you're following soon!! Too much anxiety at the moment to write a post on Tweekers (time for another carefully measured dose of f***ing xanax).

Hugs!

PS: Can't take valium or klonopin - so no need to suggest "the Ashton Method". Each has too many bad, "paradoxical" side effects on me. On klonopin, I stayed wide awake for almost four days. On valium, I couldn't stay awake.
Last edited by greycat on 12 Feb 2015 15:21, edited 1 time in total.

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