Re: The Two and Three Month Challenge

[Mudbucker]

Well done on the progress everyone!

Hi swordgirl, thanks for checking up on me!

Day 52 here, so still at it!

I am struggling on lots of levels at the moment. I am craving a drink a little, but don't intend to have one- and let's be honest, it would never be just the one!
Drinking has been a sticking plaster on no end of issues, though. I now have to face my general symptoms, which seem to pervade most areas of my life. I'm not well, and haven't been for some time, but I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't explain my mental issues, even to myself, let alone others. Aside from Major Depression, I've gone undiagnosed for so long. A few words placed wrong and I could have been hospitalised a few years back- I wonder whether, rather than playing everything down, letting myself be taken in for assessment might not have been a better course of action. It seems hard to be treated if one's behaviour doesn't cause demonstrable risk to yourself or others. I've also had some neurological issues and have a CT head scan this weekend with a follow up appointment next month, so hopefully that might shed some light, and be an opportunity to begin a proper discussion about the mental side of things too.

There are many positives happening as well, though. Work is slowly pickup back up, tonight is the release of a couple of short live CDs with a band, and we go into the studio to record an album proper next weekend. My wife starts a new job in just over a week, and I'm slowly selling bits and pieces which we no longer need or want, which is good psychologically more than financially... speaking of which, getting my tax return done next week will be a huge weight off my mind. The procrastination on that has been productive, however- today I'm off to buy a radiator key to make sure the central heating is at full efficiency rather than get the calculator out!

[swordgirl.]

Hi All
Thank you for posting TrueMe! Good to hear that you’re ok and congratulations on all those days you’ve done sober, especially with being back at work. 40 days is awesome. Being alone has often led to temptation for me in the past, so I think it’s brilliant you haven’t fallen into that particular trap. Hope you get some time for you over the weekend.

Mudbucker (think I might have to call you MB, or some other shorter version of Mudbucker) good luck with your scan this weekend, I hope you get answers as well as the support you need for your mental health. Selling your stuff is most impressive, I keep meaning to but I keep buying instead Congratulations on 52 days

My tyre was repaired which has made me happy as was not looking forward to paying for a new one! No drinking for me today, although it did cross my mind again. Hoping that does not become a regular occurrence. I’m mainly working from home and not feeling very enthusiastic about it. Hoping for a productive weekend with a bit of chill time as well.

[Mudbucker]

Mudbucker (think I might have to call you MB, or some other shorter version of Mudbucker)

My tyre was repaired which has made me happy as was not looking forward to paying for a new one!

MB is fine with me, swordgirl! I didn't consider others having to type it when I picked the name.

I found a nail in one of my tyres yesterday- looks fixable too, though.

[swordgirl.]

Thanks MB!

[Mudbucker]

I was very much in the mood for a drink tonight- it's day 56, and I talked myself out of it by thinking how disappointed I'd be not to make day 60!

[swordgirl.]

Well done MB! That takes some determination! Hope you’ve given yourself a metaphorical pat on the back

Just a quick post to say that I am still here and still sober No blips. Occasionally I think about drinking but managing to keep away from it without too much discomfort. Life is still quite challenging though, will see what today brings!

[Mudbucker]

I'm booked solid all weekend so might not be able to post, but tomorrow will be day 60.
I'll be too busy for the next few days for drinking to even be an option, but the accumulated tension from not drinking is piling up- the next goal to aim for will be making Sober January, then the 90 day target.

[Jake.]

Well done MB!

[swordgirl.]

Nice one MB Day 60 is awesome! Hope your weekend goes well. Is there anything you like doing that might alleviate your tension after work or after the weekend? A treat to look forward to?

Hi Jake

I’m still not drinking. Went to peep support group today and drinking thoughts crossed my mind again as they did last time I attended. I suppose it’s inevitable as we are talking about drinking/recovery/relapse but at one point I was tempted to just leave. Fortunately it got better. It is a group of quite disparate people so it can get a bit random and meander all over the place. And some people do like to talk a lot I can’t hide away at home forever so I’m bound to come across things that remind me of drinking. I guess it’s up to me what I do when I encounter these thoughts or reminders. I haven’t even been in a full on drinking situation like a party or a pub yet. That’s all to come.

[Trojan]

Hi Swordgirl,

I like the idea of a peep support group Is the one you’re attending run by a professional facilitator? The discussion can run off track, especially when people show up with other addictions. When I went to meetings regularly, I found it helpful to focus on the week just gone and the week ahead - looking at what went well in the previous week, and identifying any potential challenges in the week ahead. That bracketed timescale of one week each side of the present day seems to work well for many people

You’re doing great - rolling up to the 10 week mark, I think

Hello to MB, TrueMe and anyone else on this thread

[Londoner]

When I wake up tomorrow morning I will have passed 50 days since my last drink. Despite a few cravings in these past few weeks, I am so pleased I decided to get back on - and so far stay on - the sobriety wagon as life really is much calmer, clearer and generally less stressful without alcohol. I must keep reminding myself of this, and of all the damage abusing alcohol has caused me in my life, whenever those permission thoughts rear their ugly heads.

Night all and see you on the other side of 50 days AF.

[TrueMe]

Good morning Swordgirl, MB, Londoner, Trojan and anyone else checking in.

Day 49 - 7 weeks today. I do still have thoughts of how nice a cool glass of bubbles would be but know its not possible unless I'm willing to give up years of my life again to get back to this point again. I am giving myself permission to drink again but after I remain 1 year AF. By then I will be thinking more clearly and in control.

Until then I week keep plodding along doing my best and accepting who I am.

[Mudbucker]

Hi everyone, good progress!

Is there anything you like doing that might alleviate your tension after work or after the weekend? A treat to look forward to?

Unfortunately it seems not, swordgirl. It is very rare that I experience pleasure of any sort- the last time, and only for a long time that I can truly put my finger on, was during a home speed-drinking session, when I threw back my usual home boozing kit at a high enough rate to get a burst of positive feeling.
Without booze, at points I even find myself clock-watching whilst playing shows, looking forward to getting home- to do what, I wonder? Daydream about playing shows? It just seems that wherever I am, I wish to be somewhere else.
Oblivion is the only time I can avoid discomfort, or ambivalence at best. Without alcohol I can't numb and lubricate my waking hours, so all I have is sleep and the knowledge that I won't have to be around forever.

The recording sessions this weekend were successful, so I will at least be able to lose myself in mixing the tracks at home for a time.

[Maypole]

Day 30 so moving on officially to this thread…

Mud bucker… I really do understand.. I was so close on Sunday to getting onto it I actually started ordering wine online and had to shut off my computer and have a cry and a hot shower…

This endless days of coping with the urges and trying to be all things to all people and the perky little sober one when inside I feel like I am a broken shell of a person… are tortuous… but necessary and essential… and they don’t last forever… there are good and bad days and honestly having booze or romanticising its effects are just part and parcel of the mind control that the toxin has over us…

Keep posting on here.. it is the only way to excise the demons and share the reality of how dang hard this process is… it really helps others too… you have a very raw and articulate and honest voice and it is really appreciated MB

[swordgirl.]

Hi Peeps

Is the one you’re attending run by a professional facilitator?

Hi Trojan, there is a facilitator there but she’s a bit hands off because a (trained but new) volunteer is meant to be running it but she’s still finding her feet. I’m missing it this week due to work but I am going to go again. And yes, you’re spot on, 10 weeks today! Thanks for the suggestion about looking at the past and coming week, that’s really useful

Well done Londoner And TrueMe good to hear from you

Sorry you’re feeling so dreadful MB and Maypole I hope a chink of light is visible from time to time

[swordgirl.]

Hi Everyone
I haven’t had a drink but it has bothered me today. I’ve eaten my own body weight in chocolate instead. I didn’t sleep well last night. I’ve got tons of work to do any I just can’t get any enthusiasm up for it. I’m quite worried about it. I’m going to have to try and get on with it tomorrow.

Hope everyone is ok.

[Mudbucker]

Good luck, swordgirl.

I haven't had a drink, but it's not getting any easier!

[swordgirl.]

Well done MB you’re doing really well in the face of the anhedonia you’ve described recently

[Maypole]

Day 32….. no energy and as low as anything.

[Mudbucker]

Day 65, and same here, Maypole.

We're off to do the big shop at the supermarket tonight, which I usually find unpleasant. I used to look forward to coming home with some kind of drinks, but that's off the cards now- although I could murder a few beverages.
My body aches all over and my mind wants switching off.