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coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
proudaughter
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by proudaughter » 22 Jun 2009 16:09

Hi

I have just joined this forum as my dad is an alcoholic. Has been for around 10 years as far as I am aware, however, I'm only 26 so could be longer.

Last week dad finally admitted he has a problem and admitted he has been drinking vodka from am to am (in addition to the cans of bitter he would drink then hide from us). It took an arrest for drink driving (thankfully no harm done to anyone as it was cos someone reported him as smelling of drink and driving)and losing his job for him to realise his problem.

Even though I'd told mam that he had a problem she never wanted to know and has said she must have been in denial. She is coping very well now and we are both supporting dad. He's booked to see the local alcohol support service a week today and in the mean time has been told by the nurse that he should drink a little every day so as not to get the DTs.

What I am on here for is that Dad initially agreed to let the rest of the family and his friends know about his drinking habit. He has 3 sisters who I know will be rocks of support for him. He says he is too ashamed to tell them. Do you think he should? I really think the more it is out in the open the better and people can help him more, keep him company when mam is at work, not buy or offer him alcohol etc .

At the moment, because he was getting so upset I said wait and see what the councillor says. But I just wondered what people think or if you know what the councillor will advise?

Any help appreciated xx

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damson
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by damson » 22 Jun 2009 21:59

Hi prouddaughter, your dad is very lucky to have a caring daughter like you and I'm sure he realises this.
I don't know what the answer is to his telling people, I think that is for your dad to decide when he has got his head round tackling his drinking problem.
The most important thing now is that your dad does something about his situation and he has obviously been prepared to admit things to his doctor and he's taken another big step in agreeing to see a counsellor.
I would suggest that you just let him take things slowly at the moment. He's got lots to think about and perhaps it is too early for him to tell his family .... no doubt all these things will get dealt with in the fullness of time.
Try and be patient, your dad is starting out on a big journey and he needs all the support he can get - if you put too much pressure on him to do something he doesn't feel happy with you might make things more difficult for him, even though I realise that is the last thing you would want to do. Please keep in touch and let us know how things go.
Good luck to you and your dad - if he'd like to come on to the forum we'd all love to meet him as well.
Damson

proudaughter
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by proudaughter » 24 Jun 2009 09:24

Thanks Damson.

I guess there is just an impatient need from me for it to be all out in the open after being the only person who knew about it for so long. Like you said though, I need to give my dad time for him to tell them when he feels ready.

will keep in touch xxx

gyorgyelizabeth
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by gyorgyelizabeth » 24 Jun 2009 18:01

Hi Prouddaughter,

Like you, very new to this forum, however already I am finding that just by reading through other experiences, it is helping me come to terms with my problem.

Like your dad, I lost my licence a year ago. At the time, it was as though my world had ended-my independence gone, my ability support family-everything in my eyes was a shambles!

I've since started AA and my world is a completely different place. The support from the moment I walked into the 'room' was amazing-so many people, so many experiences and so much help. It does make all the difference.

Your dad is very lucky to have the support from you and your mum, however remember that no matter how strong you are, it will be a long process and therefore you both might need some help and support along the way.

Whatever you choose, I do hope that your dad see's this as an opportunity to move forward and that whatever the outcome, you will remain the close family unit that you appear to be.

One day at a time.

Gyorgyelizabeth

Islander
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How do I admit to who I have become to my parents?

Post by Islander » 11 Oct 2009 18:43

Hello, I'm very new to this site and the format of the forum but I really need some advice from people who have been where I am right now. :|

I'll try to sum up a bit of my story but really I almost wonder where to begin? My question though is how should I go about admitting to my parents, friends, etc. that I am an alcoholic? I'm sure my roommates know it, but saying it outloud and dealing with the questions that will follow seems a daunting task. Really I just don't know how to tell my family. I am only 20 years old and alone studying abroad at the moment in a foreign country. I've been toying with the idea that I might have a pretty serious problem for a good time now but back at home I was still functioning okay most days. Moving here to this place which is so much different (not to mention I am of legal age here so I can take a 3 minute walk for more booze at any time) has really found me lost. I turned to alcohol to deal with life. I never used to really have THAT bad of hangovers but now I binge heavily for days and suffer from terrible withdrawls. Shaking, confusion... I actually had to actively struggle to hold a small glass of alcohol yesterday because I was so weak and I worried the people around me would notice my hand tremurs. I was in the throws of getting smashed but I could feel my whole body protesting, I knew I had to stop. Which I did apart from one small drink to help me through the detox. Its been 3 and half hours since I had my last sip. And yes, I do mean a sip this time!

I can not imagine ever describing such scenes to my dad or mom but I know I need their support to help me stay sober this time. Any advice or stories of when any of you guys had to do this? I'm lost in Fiji and could use some help.

P.S. Thanks for listening.

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Paquin
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by Paquin » 12 Oct 2009 12:58

Hi Islander and BananaSplit,

I don't have any answers but I can tell you my experience. For me this forum was and is absolutely essential for sounding off, reporting and being accountable and for reading the great store of wisdom contained in its posts. However, I also found the support of a good friend of mine in the real world also very important. I was very open with her, and told her I had joined this forum and that i was suffering from withdrawal symptoms from stopping with drinking. I also told her that I was intending to give up for two weeks - her reply was that this was not long enough! Looking back on it, I see that because I was very honest about the seriousness of the problem for me, she was very strong in her support. When I went to see her for New Year she had no alcohol in the house, a supply of tasty non-alcoholic drinks and stayed off booze herself which really kept me on track and which I really appreciated. Looking back on it, I see that where I was less clear in my communication with people i know: I am having a break, I am on a diet, etc they often genuinely did not recognise the extent of the problem and therefore offered me drinks, or tried to persuade me just to have one etc.

I think in the early days of facing up to an alcohol problem telling people should be about getting support - one other person in a group who sticks up for your decision to refuse a drink can have a big effect.

Islander - since you are somewhat isolated from your normal social and family support network out in Fiji I quickly googled AA groups in Fiji for you and there seems to be three contact people in different areas. I have never been to an AA meeting - some people on the forum find them very useful, others have a more ambivalent attitude and some people are more negative. It is just something you might think about if you feel you need some real face to face support. As this forum shows, the best support is from those who are also dealing with alcohol problems or who have gone some way in dealing with them. Other than that I don't think you should feel obliged to tell anyone unless you want to and you think it will help and support you. You should seek medical help if your withdrawal symptoms are severe.

All the best,

Paquin x

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xxkellbellxx
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by xxkellbellxx » 12 Nov 2009 10:33

Hi Everyone

I am very new to this and have found it a godsend already. Although I dont drink every day, when I do I cant stop. It may go on for three days or longer at a time and i usually end up using cocaine also. My friends like to drink and go clubbing and I have just told them yesterday that I don't want to drink anymore. My binges have been getting worse recently, drinking so much i am shaking and get terrible withdrawal symptoms. I also can't remember how I got home and have memory blackouts. I use alot of cocaine when drinking also which i would never do unless i am drunk.

I have also nearlly lost my boyfriend who doesn't drink. he hates it when I drink and tells me he does want me to have a life and go out but to find fun things to do without drinking. I don't think people are realising these binges are never going to stop unless I stop. My mum is an alcoholic also and I feel dirty that I have this problem. I just get a feeling that almost over takes me and I cant stop. I also I leave who i am with to go with people that I know I can drink and do whatever i like with, just so i dont have to stop.

They know I don't know when to stop so why do they want me to go clubbing with them and call me boring? I can't go clubbing without drinking, or to a pub.. I cant usually have one drink without it leading to three bottles. even on a weekday. How can i make them see? I cant tell my dad either as it would break his heart. All replies appreciated x

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Bela
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by Bela » 12 Nov 2009 13:21

xx, regarding your question below, I would suggest you need to accept that you can't make them see and get on with changing (and saving) your life and finding some real friends. As for your dad, I can understand that you may not want to tell him and perhaps you do not need to - as long as you turn things around - but ask yourself if it would break his heart to see how things now stand with you? I am sure he would rather have a living healthy child who has faced down her drinking and drugging than a child who is risking her life and the lives of others.
You have done well by telling your so called friends you are not drinking anymore. You are NOT boring. You need to care about yourself first which means not crediting their opinions at all anymore.
<:)> Bela

They know I don't know when to stop so why do they want me to go clubbing with them and call me boring? I can't go clubbing without drinking, or to a pub.. I cant usually have one drink without it leading to three bottles. even on a weekday. How can i make them see? I cant tell my dad either as it would break his heart. All replies appreciated x
Whatever works.

Cravings stop going where they aren't fed.

Hedgewitch
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by Hedgewitch » 21 Nov 2009 10:02

I am only 4 weeks in and i have told my OH's parents,my sister,my 2 close friends(1 of which has now been sober for 2 weeks,we were drinking buddies and now we're going to be sober buddies!)and pretty much anyone else who has asked why i looked so happy :lol:
I guess that's just my way.....to be very open about my mistakes.....

..Which has made me ponder something.
Why did i choose to not put my face as an avatar?
I'll tell you why.Because i was embarrassed to be here.Plain and simple.
Should someone i know see me....what would be the repurcussions :o? :shock:? :twisted:? :lol: ?

And then i realised....if someone that knew me had reason to be here,they certainly wouldn't be mocking me or judging me.
And at the end of the day,why should i care what anyone thinks anyway?
I'm proud of myself and i am determined to NEVER take a drink again!

So!I'm changing my avatar to one of yours truly and while i'm at it........
My name is Suzannah and i'm VERY pleased to meet you :D
but,you can call me Hedge because i'm fond of it now and my OH is calling me it too :lol:

<:)>
Hedge x

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tee
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by tee » 21 Nov 2009 18:33

Good for you Hedge! :D And can I just climb back up after falling off my seat, is that really you on the avatar? :o You're not having us on are you? All I can say is wow, looking GOOD sister! Go Hedgey, go hedgey... :D
Perseverance is not a long race, it is a series of short races one after the other.

Hedgewitch
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by Hedgewitch » 21 Nov 2009 19:29

Yes it's me Tee,and i can shake my eye-balls as well as cross them 8-)
My Mum always told me the wind would change and my face would stay like that.....guess she was right :lol:
Thought i'd use one of me pulling a daft face,it can remind me to not take myself so seriously everytime i log on ;)

Thanks for the compliment by the way <:)> ,the pixel-size limits were helpful :D
Hedge x

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S-J
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by S-J » 21 Nov 2009 20:05

Hi Suzannah,

Wow! You're beutiful inside and out - and yes, I can tell that despite the rather fetching fish face!

Well done on the four weeks - i'm so proud of you :D

S-J x
"The beauty of life is finding the balance between peace and passion."

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George
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by George » 21 Nov 2009 20:18

Well done Hedge, you're certainly marching on!!! And the pic is spot-on!!!
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

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silvergirl
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by silvergirl » 23 Feb 2010 14:48

sgx
Last edited by silvergirl on 16 Aug 2015 16:21, edited 1 time in total.
you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
~jon kabat-zinn

thewho
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by thewho » 23 Feb 2010 16:40

hiya sg

Well, hope it goes ok, 'interesting days' ahead indeed, hope it goes ok....

thewho

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tee
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by tee » 24 Feb 2010 08:11

Woo SG we're in suspense here hun, how did it go? :)
Perseverance is not a long race, it is a series of short races one after the other.

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silvergirl
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by silvergirl » 24 Feb 2010 21:36

heh, i suppose it's really coming out as a non-drinker to people close to you. aye it was all good ta, i said i didn't drink, i went to the shop for a bottle of wine, i watched it being partly consumed with nary a whisper of want. grand. same story this evening. i should also win a medal for being the person most resembling a rational adult in this house. ;)

sgs
you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
~jon kabat-zinn

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tee
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by tee » 25 Feb 2010 08:56

so she's doin your heid in already hun? How long's she stayin? Well done re the wine <:)>
Perseverance is not a long race, it is a series of short races one after the other.

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tee
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by tee » 25 Feb 2010 09:24

He he SB I also do a great impression of a sulky teenager on occassion... :D
Perseverance is not a long race, it is a series of short races one after the other.

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George
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Re: coming out as a drinker to people close to us

Post by George » 25 Feb 2010 13:05

I'm waiting to reach my mental teens :D
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

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