All these replies has brought me to tears - thank you all so much.
I always feel so ashamed and self-pitying after I post my s**t, it takes me all day to dare turn the computer on again. But somehow, bless you all, I feel forgiven.
I honestly wouldn't bug you all if I actually had another adult to talk to, but it's a fact, there is no one. Wasn't as if my ex alcoholic friends ever cared anyway - but I'm in that limbo space before I make new friends, and I'm ever so lonely. Excuse-me.
It's so true, all these things we sweep under the carpet with each glass come to the fore once we 'wake up" and then we feel totally overwhelmed by everything we should have done - especially regarding our health, well for me at least..
I'm totally disgusted with myself that I have been bleeding on and off for 5 yrs and done absolutely nothing about it. If there's a serious problem I only have myself to blame.
How can I possibly look my children in their eyes and say sorry, mummy has cancer.
Well, first things first - I haven't drunk, and despite my fantasy, I haven't gambled either.
I did ring the specialist to book in a colonoscopy and although I have to wait a month or so at least it's done and on my calender. Has anyone else had this procedure ? I'm not looking forward to 3 days of diaarhea before it - but better for the cause than through drinking hey !
Although I went to bed at 4am, I forced myself to get up this morning, so I might go to bed at a reasonable time tonight. I'm so fed up with being in the wrong time zone. For sure, I've felt awful all day, but have resisted giving myself a hard time for not "accomplishing" anything. Kids are happily fed and bathed - that's all that matters.
Ok enough from me - taking up too much space again - sorry !
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. ( Nelson Mandela )