Online Alcohol Therapy |  Do you need professional help? |  Alcoholism & Recovery Articles |  Self Help Resources

CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
Frank
Posts: 61
Joined: 05 Aug 2008 23:31
Location: Liverpool uk
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Frank » 13 Aug 2008 08:32

I gotta say after reading Cheryls original post I'm thinkin now when I look back I could of been co dependent but it had nothing to do with alcohol. However there is probably indirect links to alcohol somewhere in there for me. This is a learning process that I am goin through now and Cheryl thanks for giving me more food for thought, it will all be of help in the long run.

Take care all xx

dadaben
Posts: 36
Joined: 10 Aug 2008 12:07
Location: northampton (not a great town!)
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by dadaben » 13 Aug 2008 22:09

hi amber,
thank you for your ideas on sleeping, ill try, i think i have a small fan in a box in the garage, im going to try and read a pat barker book that ive started thee or four times now, always after a drink and each time i was getting into it then woke up with it on my chest! perhaps tonight ill read the whole trillogy!
night night and thanks,
ben x

Amber
Posts: 330
Joined: 30 Jul 2008 15:46
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Amber » 13 Aug 2008 23:26

Hi Ben,I hope you are managing to get some sleep.You sound more positive today,I hope you are feeling stronger and that you enjoy losing yourself in the books.x <:)>
The strongest among the weak is the one who doesn't forget his weaknesses.
- Danish Proverb

dadaben
Posts: 36
Joined: 10 Aug 2008 12:07
Location: northampton (not a great town!)
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by dadaben » 13 Aug 2008 23:55

hi amber,
stayed up late, its nearly twelve, watched silly film, now im going to bed with your advice
Thanks, take care
ben xx

dazed
Posts: 17
Joined: 16 Apr 2009 14:39
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by dazed » 27 May 2009 11:18

Thanks for that first post (and the others!)
I often find this Co-Dependency thing hard to get my head round.
My BF is abusive in different ways (mostly mentally).
But we both drink but I would say are not alcoholics.
I think I am right in saying I am co-dependent on him,maybe not the other way round.
I will change my routine at the weekend, not see friends/family as much because he is pushy and it doesn't fit in with his schedule and he has to be near his job.But I kinda lose some identity.And I have agreed with demands that I now realise were unfair. :?

User avatar
silvergirl
Posts: 4030
Joined: 07 Sep 2009 12:04
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by silvergirl » 10 Dec 2009 12:56

this is something that interests me greatly, and that first post is incredibly thought provoking reading. thank you cheryl if you're still around. i might cycle into town to buy some more printer ink because i'd like to scribble thoughts in the margins etc and sometimes it's easier to read and absorb the written word on paper rather than the computer screen.

anyway. issues that sez and kittie have been talking about on the seven days thread have really been making me ponder my own relationships with people and patterns that can be seen more clearly now that i am out of some of them and working on letting others go. i am the type of person who would do anything for anyone, a natural giver, but am coming to see that what i have done in the past is to say "yes" to other people at the expense of myself, laying myself wide open to being taken advantage of because i simply don't realise that i must put my own needs first, and that i have to take responsibility for fulfilling them myself; nobody else is going to, nor is it their job. and that's scary! i'm not saying that the people who take advantage necessarily know that that is what they are doing (although the jury's still out on one particular person!), they're just following their own life script and happen to fit a complementary pattern to mine - we both happen to fulfil certain aspects or needs within each other, which i suppose is co-dependency!

my feeling about myself, and i'm only talking about me here, is that i'm not very good at setting boundaries, i don't have much practise, and am also unsure where boundaries lie with others. i also don't seem to realise that there is a need to do this, although i'm feeling much more on top of doing that now, part of this is taking responsibility for my drinking, and also i think that it's going to be much easier to recognise earlier that something isn't right when sober. or perhaps not recognise it - i think even when drinking i can realise that something is afoot, but i don't listen to myself, and allow it to slip because it's 98% okay and the 2% we can work on.

i'm coming round more to the view i can have anything i want in my life, i just have to organise it being there. cool! but to do that means i have to know what it is that i want. which i'm working on. (today i'd like printer ink and a cycle run...) but longer term, well, i'm working on that too.

i suppose that what i am feeling just now - possibly for the first time ever - is a sense of being capable of fulfilling that responsibility to my own self, and more confident that i can do it and that things will be okay, which is a wonderful thing, because previously i haven't and it is this "i can't" thinking which leads me into becoming dependent and reliant on the others, even beyond the point where it is obvious the relationship is not doing me any good, and is in fact harmful. it also leads me to drink.

although today i feel buoyant, something that does concern me is that previously i haven't been able to see that i am slipping into the old pattern, until it becomes so obviously unbearable and just downright wrong that eventually i have to take action because i simply cannot continue any more. i only take drastic action! but i'd rather not be in the position that i've gone so far down that road with people, and i'm not quite sure yet how to develop into the kind of person who can have healthy relationships with people that i like. and i'm not just talking sexual relationships here, (tho it'd be nice), but it's insane how much of my time and mental energy has been consumed in the past, and could still be if i let it, with relationships with these toxic personalities, at the expense of developing better relationships with people who are the goodun's in life. somehow i tend to sabotage myself in this respect, and would much prefer not to neglect the people who i might actually be able to interact with in a very positive manner for everyone concerned, because...? why? hmm, lack of self confidence i suppose, i make the assumption that because i like them they wouldn't want to associate with me, because, hey, what's to like?! maybe, and this has only this minute occured to me so i'm not sure how coherent is it, it's also easier to have people in your life who you know aren't doing you any good because then it's not so important if you mess it up or they do because they're unimportant anyway? whereas if you had the good ones, there would be real potential to hurt them or be hurt by them? i know that i run away from things that are blatantly good for me, and encourage relationships that aren't, and i know that i want that to reverse, perhaps i need to move to planet opposite. :?

hmm, okay, i certainly don't have all the answers (feel free to submit them on a postcard..) but i'm more than willing to take a look at the questions.

i read something that someone else said on a different thread about how once you make the decision that drink just isn't an option you have a feeling of utter relief and freedom and that's how i feel now - i never want to drink again. and i'm delighted and excited about that. instead, i am visualising a future where i return to studying (like so many others i graduated with a degree, a debt and a drink problem - i still have the former, i'm working on the latter two) and i'd like to build on that, i'm talking with the local uni about doing a masters degree to refresh my skills and qualifications and enable me to become employed in a fulfilling job i am good at, like doing and which pays me enough money to live on comfortably. i believe now that that's achievable, and i that i can and will do it. it was lack of sobriety that was holding me back before, in so many situations.

hmm, okay, this is longer than i anticipated but it feels really good to write it down because it kind of consolidates it for me. it's also not actually what i was meaning to type when i sat down, but i guess that will have to wait for another time! i'm okay with all of the above, it's something that i can look at much more dispassionately than i used to be able to, and lots of it i have explored in my various attempts at counselling over the years. it's also something which obviously still affects me, but which i am trying to work through as best i can.

don't think i have time for the cycle run now, gonna have a cheese and vegemite sandwich followed by a hot bath instead, oooh yeah!

best wishes one and all.
sgx
Last edited by silvergirl on 06 Mar 2010 23:55, edited 1 time in total.
you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
~jon kabat-zinn

User avatar
Bela
Posts: 6376
Joined: 15 Nov 2008 23:53
Last Drink Date: 23 Aug 2009
Location: midwest U.S.
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Bela » 10 Dec 2009 13:26

thanks for finding and bumping this threat, sg. my mind was tracking along similar lines as I've been reading posts by Sez and Kittie. That's for sharing your story. I think is fertile ground for discussion.
Whatever works.

Cravings stop going where they aren't fed.

User avatar
silvergirl
Posts: 4030
Joined: 07 Sep 2009 12:04
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by silvergirl » 10 Dec 2009 13:34

nae worries bela, thanks for reading!

i think i can say "yes" to 19.5 of the 20 questions on the first post of the first page of the thread and it's certainly something i'd like to think more about.

sgx
you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
~jon kabat-zinn

User avatar
Kittie
Posts: 1322
Joined: 23 Oct 2009 18:20
Last Drink Date: 08 Feb 2010
Location: London
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Kittie » 10 Dec 2009 13:57

what a brave and honest post,

i can relate to a great deal of what you say, i too need to start believing in myself and creating my own destiny. there is a certain amount of if you dont love yourself how can you expect anyone else too. i too would say I am a generous person, and ive always been the sort of person who cant say no, and find myself being the one giving an giving and not seeming to get much back (BE excluded)

for example and this kind of thing happens a lot to me, most of the people i knew when i lost my job and quit my social sports team never called me, it was always me calling them and arranging things, it was always me who remembered peoples birthdays, when people are sad its me checking up on them. there was one person who i truly believed would be my friend forever, i realised a couple of weeks before my birthday this year that it was always me calling, texting, emailing first so i did a little experiment - she didnt call, she forgot my birthday and sent me a text three days after my birthday - so i said dont worry its ok (although i was really hurt) i have always made such an effort for her birthday, last year she was in terrible problems with her OH and her birthday was on a weekend i made sure her present and card arrived on her birthday - she didnt even send me an e-card. so i didnt call her again, its been a month and then i get a text which was almost a bit stroppy because she hadnt heard from me, i wrote back saying i was ok, but life was tough due to the job but i was feeling positive because i had interviews and it was going to be ok - she never wrote back. Its the same with my family, if i dont call i dont hear from them in weeks and suddenly its like i have commited a massive sin! they dont ever come to see me "as there too busy/too tired/drives too long" but obviously i dont work as hard as them and get tired or busy and if i dont go and see them its my fault that we havent seen each other, because i havent been to see them - although they are my family so you make allowanced and if ever i really needed them they would be there.

honestly i sometimes think i have MUG tattoed on my head!

Its since i have been sober that i have realised i dont have to put up with this rubbish, i should stop making myself so available, and wasting my time on people who dont deserve my time, i get so walked over and whilst it will be hard for me i do plan to change this. i actually need to change this!

so your post has made me think, and a great deal of it is very similar to my situation - i think the reason me and my partner are having these troubles is because i am slowly realising that i am able to make my own choices in life and the old me is coming back - i think he is glad really we just had a lovely chat and i do love him so much

Enjoy your sandwich although i am not sure about the vegemite... im off to look at the first post :)

Bela - thanks for thinking of me, its very sweet x
Kittie - working hard to be the best person i can be.

http://keepmesober.blogspot.com/

Ho Ho Ho only a few more sleeps to go...

User avatar
silvergirl
Posts: 4030
Joined: 07 Sep 2009 12:04
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by silvergirl » 11 Dec 2009 10:58

yep, it's the how-to-say-no aspect of things that i'd like to work on. generally i know what i want, or if i am in a situation where i'm not happy, often i have the exact phrase i'd like to say in my mind and it just doesn't come out of my mouth. it's a confidence thing for me i reckon, and at times (less so now) i've actually thought "oh it's only me and i don't matter.." wtf?! but yeah, working on building the link between thinking the thought and actually saying it is going to be fun! there's generosity, and then there's looking after yourself and knowing the limit of what you can actually give without it being detrimental to you.

hmm, still thinking about it all!

sgx
you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
~jon kabat-zinn

User avatar
Kittie
Posts: 1322
Joined: 23 Oct 2009 18:20
Last Drink Date: 08 Feb 2010
Location: London
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Kittie » 11 Dec 2009 11:40

exactly how i feel SG :)
Kittie - working hard to be the best person i can be.

http://keepmesober.blogspot.com/

Ho Ho Ho only a few more sleeps to go...

thewho
Posts: 1416
Joined: 01 Jul 2009 15:03
Last Drink Date: 04 Aug 2015
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by thewho » 14 Dec 2009 10:32

sg
I'm glad you're giving it all some thought, you sound as if you've got a good understanding of it all, its just a case of working on it! 'just'!!

kittie, its a shame when all this stuff happens, sorry to hear it, but I guess 'losing' the alcohol at least has helped you to see some of this for what it is.

<:)> <:)> to you both, sorry, I'm not good at long replies!!

thewho

User avatar
Kittie
Posts: 1322
Joined: 23 Oct 2009 18:20
Last Drink Date: 08 Feb 2010
Location: London
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Kittie » 14 Dec 2009 10:35

sometimes short and sweet is just perfect :)

Thank you thewho x
Kittie - working hard to be the best person i can be.

http://keepmesober.blogspot.com/

Ho Ho Ho only a few more sleeps to go...

User avatar
silvergirl
Posts: 4030
Joined: 07 Sep 2009 12:04
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by silvergirl » 15 Dec 2009 10:23

aye, cheers thewho, i know that i "only" have to sift through it all. and you can show that you "get" it with only one line.

sgx
you can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.
~jon kabat-zinn

User avatar
Kittie
Posts: 1322
Joined: 23 Oct 2009 18:20
Last Drink Date: 08 Feb 2010
Location: London
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Kittie » 15 Dec 2009 10:42

well put my fellow gas bag :)
Kittie - working hard to be the best person i can be.

http://keepmesober.blogspot.com/

Ho Ho Ho only a few more sleeps to go...

thewho
Posts: 1416
Joined: 01 Jul 2009 15:03
Last Drink Date: 04 Aug 2015
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by thewho » 15 Dec 2009 10:49

i like reading long gas bag posts u two!! But I do like good one liners too... Anyway, carry on carrying on as it were..... (wow a two liner from me, miracles happen...)

User avatar
Kittie
Posts: 1322
Joined: 23 Oct 2009 18:20
Last Drink Date: 08 Feb 2010
Location: London
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Kittie » 15 Dec 2009 11:06

LOL
Kittie - working hard to be the best person i can be.

http://keepmesober.blogspot.com/

Ho Ho Ho only a few more sleeps to go...

Finnie
Posts: 5
Joined: 17 Mar 2010 21:02
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Finnie » 17 Apr 2010 22:23

So
We, the partners of alcoholics, are often co-dependent. :roll:
How do we get out, without getting out of the relationship? :?

How do we stay focussed and ourselves? Yoga? Anger-management? Food?
How much do let go through? How much abuse?
How do we know when to intervene? When they lost their job? When they lost their friends? When they lost their home? When they are half-dead?
And who do we turn to when our friends have heard it all before, their doctors and our doctors just prescribe more medication that does not help, when we are still on the waiting list to get counseling ourselves?

How can we cope with knowing that they do LOVE us and we LOVE them but the alcohol will always return after one detoxing week? :(

User avatar
audacity
Posts: 7
Joined: 01 May 2010 21:08
Location: East Anglia
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by audacity » 13 Jun 2010 08:42

I'm cutting off myself out of all of that... I'm saying enough after almost 7 yrs when things were going from bad to worse and for the first time I called the coppers today and I am so proud of myself I did it!!! :D

User avatar
Bela
Posts: 6376
Joined: 15 Nov 2008 23:53
Last Drink Date: 23 Aug 2009
Location: midwest U.S.
Contact:

Re: CO-DEPENDENCY...information for All

Post by Bela » 13 Jun 2010 15:22

I say good for you, Audacity.
Saw your post on another thead. <:)>
You need to stay focused on what is best for you and your child.
Whatever works.

Cravings stop going where they aren't fed.

Post Reply