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Advice please

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 22 Jun 2013 18:43

I now run meetings for people with addiction problems, and my own experience is:

1) Hiding it is never a good thing (although I did get very good at it), and

2) It rarely, if ever, gets better by ignoring it - it only tends to get worse. That said, there is a figure being bandied about that 50% of users that realise they have a problem stop without any help. Other studies claim that's only 5%, so take yer pick.

Either way, I am of the opinion (and I can't stress enough its only my opinion) you need to sit down and have a chat. I wouldn't be told though, until it came to my wife just about to walk out of the door. And then it was a close run choice - it really can get that bad, so softly softly catchee monkey.
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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 08 Jul 2013 07:31

WTF.
:evil:
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bumpydog
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Re: Advice please

Post by bumpydog » 08 Jul 2013 07:48

It's OK Col. Carpets seem to be the answer to all of life's problems this morning!
If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future you end up weeing on today...focus on today!

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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 08 Jul 2013 08:02

They'll have to go a long way to beat (no pun) my life problems. :(
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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 30 Aug 2013 02:19

Tough one. I'm sitting in the car waiting to pick my wife's sister up from Luton airport, so I may as well have a stab at this one.
First, your background is your background, and it's bugger all to do with anyone else. If they have a problem - that's their problem to deal with, not for you to make allowances for (you'll find this attitude a lot in my posts...)
Your wedding is your day - this is one of those occasions (well, like life) where you need to put yourself first. As we get older, we do get crotchety - especially if we drink. I remember all manner of conspiracy theories when I was pissed, now I'm just a sober grumpy hit. Strikes me you have three choices: Speak to the old boy and tell him you expect him to be sober and on his best behaviour (he may pull the guilt card here; I refer you to "your day" above); you can just not invite him (you need to think of potential repercussions here); or you invite him and take him as he is. My personal choice would be to speak to him, but if he can't commit to one day - your day - then the question has to be asked do you need him there?

As I say, tough one.

Well done on 6 weeks though ;-)
Col.b
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jaxom5

Re: Advice please

Post by jaxom5 » 30 Aug 2013 02:22

No anon, it makes perfect sense to me. In fact I have a lovely yet upsetting letter from my son. Lovely because he says some really nice things about his old sober dad, yet upsetting because he also tells me about the drunken monster I turned into.

The hardest part of all this is a harsh fact of life. You cannot and will not be able to change his behaviour, He has to wake up and decide to turn it around. Nobody else can do that. Have a go by all means. Get the family around and ambush him. It might work. But until the addict wakes up, faces up and takes responsibilty nothing will change.

I am sorry to be gloomy but that is the way it works. I am perfectly happiy to be contradicted by fellow members and hopefully some will have more positive suggestions.

In the meantime, you look after you. It is your Dad's problem, not yours.

Dave

jaxom5

Re: Advice please

Post by jaxom5 » 30 Aug 2013 02:28

Oh hi col \:)/

Good advice as always and a different take on it. Always good to have. Luton airport eh? Enjoy!

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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 30 Aug 2013 02:29

Absolutely. Nothing was going to make me stop drinking until I wanted to. It became a challenge to see who I could piss off most. :oops:
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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 30 Aug 2013 02:30

At least I can do it now Dave, without having to drive with one eye shut so I can only see one road..... :o
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Re: Advice please

Post by jaxom5 » 30 Aug 2013 02:49

Mmmm. Very bad but I know exactly what you mean. :oops:

jaxom5

Re: Advice please

Post by jaxom5 » 30 Aug 2013 21:00

Anon, when I have relapsed my blood pressure goes through the roof. It sometimes does anyway but drinking always sends it up to dangerous levels. Us drinkers often focus on the effects of alcohol on our liver but it is bad for everything, physical and mental.

I am not sure what you can do about it but if/when your Dad stops drinking again he needs to get away from those drinking friends. They will encourage him to drink every time. I really do believe that one of the hardest things for an alcohol abuser is to see a fellow sufferer get on the wagon. It exposes our own problem and that is hard to take so you try to pull him back in to the drinking club. I don't associate with former drinking buddies, something I learned from this site. It is hard to turn your back on friends but are they really friends? If any of the guys I am thinking of wise up then they are welcome to come round for a cup of tea. In the meantime I am keeping my distance. I think your Dad needs to see that too.

Best wishes to both of you. Change happens and often when we least expect it.

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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 31 Aug 2013 08:15

Probably most alcoholics are selfish. Certainly they get on best with people who enable their drinking, or don't make them feel bad/guilty about drinking.

I have a different relationship with my daughters. One is very like me - and probably because I see her making my mistakes, we have ructions. I love her to bits, admire her hugely and am very proud of her - but boy, we're not comfortable housemates.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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Re: Advice please

Post by jaxom5 » 31 Aug 2013 08:57

Yess, DD, I totally agree. At least I agree that when we are drinking we only care about alcohol and everything and everybody else takes second place.

Anon, I have no way of knowing if your Dad can pull himself out of this but if he does then everything changes. I recently joined a relapse prevention group. There are a couple of meetings a week. One is a workshop where we knuckle down and study an aspect of addiction. The other is what I gather is more like an AA sharing meeting ( not done AA so may be wrong) but everybody takes turns to talk about their week, how they felt about it but with professional counsellors there to ask awkward but pertinent questions. I was astounded to find that it is very common for addicts - we do all sorts not just alcohol stuff - to be people pleasers. We often have low self-esteem so go out of our way to be helpful in the hope of being liked. I sense this attitude with your Dad. When he comes out of it he will have to learn to say NO.

I really do feel for you. It must seem hopeless but don't give up. I have no idea why I decided to stop and get sober but it just happenned one day. I do relapse but each relapse is short and swift and I will never become a long-term drunk again. There is that drunk Dad and I am sure you do not like him, but inside is your true Dad, the good father who you have always loved. I really do hope he can re-emerge. He is in there, truly.

Dave

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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 05 Sep 2013 12:38

jaxom5 wrote: I was astounded to find that it is very common for addicts - we do all sorts not just alcohol stuff - to be people pleasers. We often have low self-esteem so go out of our way to be helpful in the hope of being liked. I sense this attitude with your Dad. When he comes out of it he will have to learn to say NO.

Dave
Absolutely - I still am to an extent, and at times it cripples my [self-employed] income. Also agree that he really needs to stay away from those friends - my "friends" haven't been near or by for 3 years or so. Oh, wait - that's the length of time I haven't been drinking. Some friends.
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 05 Sep 2013 12:46

hiding wrote:Although I am a middle aged woman and not some small child, I feel like I do need advice on this issue. I went to visit parents on Monday and I have had to stop myself twice this week from drinking which is due to the effects that the visits have on me. I am seeking advice and in truth I think I am seeking permission from others that I never have to see these people again if I don't want to.
Thanks for reading. It does help writing it down.
Lot going on there, too.
So you can drink and face them, and you're seeking "permission" to not see them again if you don't want to...

Right - ask yourself what the drink changes that you can't change without drinking. Its a tough step, but if you can do it under the influence, you can do it without.
Second - hell yeah, I don't know you, don't see whoever you want. That's a bit glib, but at the end of the day its YOUR life (I said in a previous post you'd see this as a theme), YOU have to live it. Give YOURSELF the permission. You're a long time dead, and at the end of it all if we keep using that's where we'll end up prematurely.
I use a harsh term to people who maintain they CAN'T give up. Don't stop then. Its your live to throw away if you wish, but I'll warn you the chances are it will be horribly uncomfortable before it ends, and very few people will come and visit you hooked up to the drip. Now think about all the short term benefits you get from drinking - is it worth the long term problem because you won't do the difficult bit now?
Life is better not drinking - life still throws problems at you - but its a damn sight easier to deal with those problems when you're not pissed. Its hard, yes - ask any number of the long-termers on here - but worth it.
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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 05 Sep 2013 12:49

Horrible sod, ain't I?
:ugeek:
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Re: Advice please

Post by DannyD » 05 Sep 2013 12:55

Hiding I'm quite happy to give you permission never to see these people ever again. Does that make life easier? Or do you still feel obliged to see them. Will you feel guilty if you don't? If they died tomorrow, would you feel your life is unresolved?

Why do you see them -is it at their request? If you stopped all contact unless they phoned/visited you, would that make life easier?

Have a think about what YOU want, and how to get it, for instance:

Never want to see them again, therefore write them a letter stating this is not open to discussion but you never want to see them again. Sit and think about the letter. How do you feel?

Will see them once a year on (perhaps) dad's birthday. Write and say you've had counselling and been advised to face up to your demons, so will have annual visits on a date of your choosing. Again, this is not open to discussion. Think about the letter. How do you feel?

This is your life, what do you want?

<:)>
Last edited by DannyD on 05 Sep 2013 13:18, edited 1 time in total.
be selfish in your sobriety.

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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 05 Sep 2013 13:07

^ like
(::)
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 05 Sep 2013 15:43

http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/ ... ce/HOV.pdf" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Call me Col - everyone else does. :D
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powellct
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Re: Advice please

Post by powellct » 08 Sep 2013 17:20

Guilt. Well there's a productive emotion.
Not.

Quick cost benefit here. "I get so worried/stressed about seeing my parents, I'm going to hurt myself [by drinking]". Doesn't sound quite so logical now, does it. I use that sort of thought process quite regularly.
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