Do we really have to tell other people?!

Any tips or advice to prevent a relapse, alternatively any of your stories about your own relapses.
User avatar
Finley
Posts: 14377
Joined: 11 Jun 2012 09:48
Location: London
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Finley »

Hmmm. Well, in the end I sort of had to - I was out to dinner with a couple of (heavy drinking) friends and I had only one glass of wine and then stuck to fizzy water. We usually just have tap water (free) and lots of wine. I insisted on the large bottle of fizzy, because it's my drink of choice - get through 2 litres a day at home when not drinking. Anyway, they were naturally curious and I was going to use the old 'antibiotic' excuse but in the end I said something like 'Well, none of us are getting any younger, and I think it's time I started looking after myself - plus I find working with a hangover too difficult these days....'. That led to a general chat about how much we'd drunk together over the years and one of my friends said she was thinking about not drinking at home, but only when out for the evening etc....We haven't discussed it much further since then.
I want to be the best me I can be ...

User avatar
DannyD
Posts: 15453
Joined: 02 Jan 2012 19:39
Last Drink Date: 0- 0-1973
First Sober Date: 09 Jan 2020
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by DannyD »

That sounds like a lovely natural conversation. Well done. (::) (::)
be selfish in your sobriety.

User avatar
Libelula
Posts: 1764
Joined: 16 May 2011 20:42
Last Drink Date: 30 Sep 2020
Location: Scotland
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Libelula »

I'm very sensitive about the idea of friends and colleagues clocking my non-drinking and thinking: "ah, she's got a drinking problem."

But I guess I have a choice.

I could not drink (at all? much?), and bitchy colleagues will think "ah, she's got a drinking problem."

Or I could drink (too much :( )and bitchy colleagues will think "ah, she's got a drinking problem."

It's not worth abandoning Ocsober /succumbing to alcoholism so that people I don't like that much anyway don't realise I'm not drinking. That would really be beyond stupid, into tragic.
I want to be the best possible mum to my son.

User avatar
George
Posts: 8041
Joined: 14 Sep 2009 16:18
Location: The same latitude as the south end of Greenland.
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by George »

Yes, I do. I have to tell everyone, my friends and family and all my friends here. If I can't be honest with everyone around me then I can't be honest with myself. If I can't be honest with myself then I can't accept the fact that I'm an alcoholic and if I can't accept the fact, the truth, then I can't attempt to deal with it :!:

Let's face it, if I can't attempt to deal with it then there is no chance whatsoever of me beating the problem and winning, is there :?: If I don't even try then what happens, eh :?: How long do I live for then :?: Do I die smiling :?: I doubt it :roll: :roll: :roll:
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

User avatar
grendeldave
Posts: 613
Joined: 24 Dec 2012 06:53
Location: Dorset, UK
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by grendeldave »

I don't think you have to tell anybody at all unless you think it will help you. What business is it of anybody else? Isn't it more about justifiing ourselves to ourselves? If you intend to impress people with your AF period then think again. I have not had a drink today/this week/this month will just make a non-alcohol-challenged person puzzled and wonder what your problem is until you have gone without far longer than they can imagine. I don't drink. Whoops, I did. I still don't drink as a matter of principle. No thank you ma'm.
Desire is an illusion unless it is a streetcar. Don't get run over.

#88 - 2013 Challenge

User avatar
George
Posts: 8041
Joined: 14 Sep 2009 16:18
Location: The same latitude as the south end of Greenland.
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by George »

Thanks Jos, Dave, yes it is the easiest way to deal with it, isn't it. The big thing for me is the fact that if I don't tell them the truth, it becomes so easy to lie to myself. The minute I do that I'm back on the booze again and I'm back on big-style too :cry:

Like you say, you don't want it to be a big deal, it's just a problem that I'm dealing with. Must admit though, some people can be quite disgusting and obnoxious about it. Those people are gone now but there was a few of them. I dealt with it in the only way that I could - as viciously as they were but without being openly obnoxious. It's amazing just what you can get away with sometimes (::)

As I said, the difficult ones are in effect buried now and because I'm so up-front I don't seem to come across any more like that.

And there's no attempt at impression there, Dave. It's honesty, pure and simple. Stops people making a thing about me drinking coke or coffee rather than whisky or whatever.

So the lesson that I learnt there hasn't been forgotten. Always be up-front and honest about it - pretty simple, innit ;)

Thanks again <:)>
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

User avatar
zelda
Posts: 2106
Joined: 21 Feb 2011 11:12
Last Drink Date: 29 Mar 2019
First Sober Date: 30 Mar 2019
Location: France
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by zelda »

George... my dear George.
You have me worried dear chap.

You wrote "Must admit though, some people can be quite disgusting and obnoxious about it. Those people are gone now but there was a few of them. I dealt with it in the only way that I could - as viciously as they were but without being openly obnoxious. It's amazing just what you can get away with sometimes As I said, the difficult ones are in effect buried now :shock: and because I'm so up-front I don't seem to come across any more like that".

Did you do away with them and then bury them in some weird Scottish high ground!! :?
You are one dark horse Georgie!!
Zelda: "Oh blimey, I could kill a glass of wine".....
Glass of Wine "Oh blimey , I could kill Zelda".....

User avatar
George
Posts: 8041
Joined: 14 Sep 2009 16:18
Location: The same latitude as the south end of Greenland.
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by George »

Check up Ronas Hill, Zelda. It's 450m high and on the top of it there is a neolithic chambered cairn. The bones found in it are younger than expected (::) :o (::)
“Now I’m sober and I realize, I didn’t drink to escape the world, I drank to escape myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

User avatar
koalaBear
Posts: 355
Joined: 31 May 2012 10:22
Last Drink Date: 07 Jul 2012
Location: Yorkshire
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by koalaBear »

Zelda that's hilarious!

George, i'm imagining you as Christopher Lee in The Wicker Man :lol:
You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space

Johnny Cash.

User avatar
zelda
Posts: 2106
Joined: 21 Feb 2011 11:12
Last Drink Date: 29 Mar 2019
First Sober Date: 30 Mar 2019
Location: France
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by zelda »

and all that time, I BELIEVED him that he was just sitting around waiting for three hours for his bus.... :?
Zelda: "Oh blimey, I could kill a glass of wine".....
Glass of Wine "Oh blimey , I could kill Zelda".....

Hereagain
Posts: 1145
Joined: 21 May 2012 19:02
Last Drink Date: 31 Dec 2012
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Hereagain »

That s sooo funny Zelda :lol:
Now that I know better I do better

User avatar
Maddie
Posts: 1584
Joined: 20 Sep 2010 19:12
First Sober Date: 16 May 2020
Location: Sunny Lancashire
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Maddie »

Do we really have to tell other people? This is a question I'm pondering on. I've been sober for just over 5 months, and I made the decision to stop drinking while taking anti-depressants. There have been times when I've really wanted to drink, especially when friends and family have been drinking or I've been to the pub for a meal. When people have asked why I'm not drinking, I've been happy to tell them that alcohol doesn't mix well when taking anti-d's. Nobody asks any further questions, but I know myself that really alcohol is a bit of a crutch that I've used in the past when I've been stressed or upset. I'm not sure whether to tell someone close about it, or keep it to myself. I'm worried that I'd be judged and peoples opinion of me would change. It's times like this when I think why did I ever start drinking, because if I hadn't I wouldn't be posting this would I?
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Marilyn Monroe

jaxom5

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by jaxom5 »

My take on it Maddie is tell them what you like. Everybody I care about knows about my drink problem so telling them I quit is not a problem now. They KNOW. But I do appreciate it is a problem for many of us. I favour life-style changes. Very popular. Doing a life-style detox is very trendy. Sure, coming out and saying I have an alcohol problem is all very well but sometimes that causes more problems than it solves. You always have the right to refuse though. "I do not want an alcoholic drink." Do we sometimes put more pressure on ourselves than other's see? I really do not know. Just a thought. And if they have a problem with me being sober then perhaps they have a drink problem?

Dave

User avatar
squidger
Posts: 623
Joined: 13 Aug 2010 15:22
Last Drink Date: 14 Jan 2015
Location: Pitlochry
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by squidger »

(::) well done Maddie on 5 months first of all.

I think there is still much stigma attached to the word 'alcoholic' i prefer to go with the words 'drink problem' to start off with and if they haven't run screaming through the nearest door, i will refer to then on as 'alcoholism'.

If someone is a friend and inquires about it then IMHO you should just tell them. I have no idea what it must be like to have been sober for so long and be in that situation. Maybe a bit like when you know someone's face and chat to them regularly but never get to know their name and it sort of has gone too far and would be rude to ask. :D

The only way someone's opinion of you would change is maybe they would respect you more for making such a decision in your life. <:)>

User avatar
joanne.
Posts: 1653
Joined: 15 Jan 2013 14:49

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by joanne. »

I wonders that tellin folks puts a bell round our necks, like havin the plague.....they become self conscious around us, they make allowances :roll: they may even try to persuade you that its all in ya head...go on have a drink luv...

I think this is what me philosophisin in the Relationship thread is about....do we need to make excuses or just own it. Is sobriety a need to almost apologise or can we just own it an say NO. Learnin to be proud of just living, not an ex drunk, not an alcoholic, not nothin more than someone who lives life to the full. Maybe say I dont drink but I also dont kill old ladies or crap in public places....Its the other persons bag....let it go. I reckon we get so caught up in do we drink...dont we drink.... do we tell.....dont we tell.....we just are findin excuses to get pissed.

I reckon in me own head its the lettin go of it we aint good at, but I aint no guru an talk philosophical tosh most of the time 8-)
Don’t judge me.... I was born to be Awesome, not Perfect.

User avatar
Maddie
Posts: 1584
Joined: 20 Sep 2010 19:12
First Sober Date: 16 May 2020
Location: Sunny Lancashire
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Maddie »

Thanks for the replies Dave, Squidger and Joanne. You've all made some really valid points, and it is down to me really. When I think about other people who choose not to drink, I never question them why. So why should people quiz me. I think I just assume that I'll get the Spanish inquisition over it, and actually I'm probably just over thinking it. I like the term life-style changes, because essentially that is what has happened really.

I've always disliked the term 'alcoholic' I've never like labelling people, myself included. I suppose I could just say I don't like alcohol anymore :?
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Marilyn Monroe

User avatar
CJ
Posts: 2563
Joined: 02 Jun 2010 17:47
Last Drink Date: 22 May 2011
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by CJ »

Hi Maddie,
Well I am over 2 1/2 years sober and I still find it hard what to say to people. Many think I gave up when I increased my running and I just let them believe that ( truth is the running helped me stay AF).
A few very close friends know, and family, the real extent, but I see absolutely no point in " coming out" generally about my problem.
I just say I don't drink. I must admit I feel self conscious about it still. I feel I should be qualifying that statement with "but I used to", so people don't feel awkward . How daft is that. And that only leads to the question of why did I stop. If I do get asked I keep it casual or light hearted.
At the end of the day as long as I don't drink I don't have a problem so why tell people I have ;)
So, I don't believe in telling people. It would be a big problem at work anyway or at least embarrassing ( Lord knows how I got away with it for so long in the first place, although probably a few guessed). I see no reason to tell anyone unless there is any reason to, and thankfully I have no reason to if I keep AF.
Interestingly, not many people ask directly why I don't drink. I do believe the less we make about it, they really aren't bothered.
"My urge is never to have just a glass even if the EAF pretends it is, my urge is to get wasted. When I am getting urges like that it is impossible for me to kid myself that I no longer have a problem." Pineapple

User avatar
Maddie
Posts: 1584
Joined: 20 Sep 2010 19:12
First Sober Date: 16 May 2020
Location: Sunny Lancashire
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Maddie »

Thanks CJ. Yeah I sort of feel I should have to qualify my reasons to not drink. Of course at the moment I've just said it's because I'm taking anti-depressants, but I wonder if people will question why I continue not to drink when I come off them. I suppose maybe don't look too far ahead and just deal with it if and when the time arises.

I like what you say about if you don't drink, you have no problem. I think I'll adopt this way of thinking. ;)?
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Marilyn Monroe

User avatar
CJ
Posts: 2563
Joined: 02 Jun 2010 17:47
Last Drink Date: 22 May 2011
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by CJ »

You may well find that after a while people simply get used to you not drinking and don't question the reason anymore :)
"My urge is never to have just a glass even if the EAF pretends it is, my urge is to get wasted. When I am getting urges like that it is impossible for me to kid myself that I no longer have a problem." Pineapple

User avatar
Maddie
Posts: 1584
Joined: 20 Sep 2010 19:12
First Sober Date: 16 May 2020
Location: Sunny Lancashire
Contact:

Re: Do we really have to tell other people?!

Post by Maddie »

You know CJ, I think you could well be right there. My younger Brother doesn't drink. He used to, but he chooses not to these days. He's never had a problem with alcohol, but he just didn't like how it made him feel. I never keep on asking him, and just know he doesn't drink and that is that. So why would I think it would be any different for me.
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

Marilyn Monroe

Post Reply