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Family Matters

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Lush4life
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Lush4life » 07 Apr 2018 11:49

Bit sad today, think my marriage is coming to an end, we've struggled for a few years now and in the past my drinking was blamed for a lot of it , but am now over 3 years sober and despite us sometimes getting on fine in the main it's crap, the toughest bit is I still love him but spend a lot of time not liking him, fairly sure he feels the same.
Our house is on market we was going to move to a luxury but smaller bungalow , of course unless something drastic happens we won't be doing that; our finances with be split in half of course and so will any dreams of my future too.
Am only sharing this here because I feel/hope it's a safe place to do it , just needed a place to put my very disjointed thoughts, I need to keep strong but I don't feel it at all!
I say all this and things could yet again blow over but am not convinced that would be best in long run, don't know very confused.
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Topcat » 07 Apr 2018 12:05

So sorry to hear that Kim. Do hope you can work things out, but if not.....well at least you will have tried your best. Break ups are never easy <:)> <:)>
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DoneandDone » 07 Apr 2018 13:28

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Last edited by DoneandDone on 11 Apr 2018 07:20, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Family Matters

Post by SoberBoots » 07 Apr 2018 19:15

Lush4life wrote:Bit sad today, think my marriage is coming to an end, we've struggled for a few years now and in the past my drinking was blamed for a lot of it , but am now over 3 years sober and despite us sometimes getting on fine in the main it's crap, the toughest bit is I still love him but spend a lot of time not liking him, fairly sure he feels the same.
Our house is on market we was going to move to a luxury but smaller bungalow , of course unless something drastic happens we won't be doing that; our finances with be split in half of course and so will any dreams of my future too.
Am only sharing this here because I feel/hope it's a safe place to do it , just needed a place to put my very disjointed thoughts, I need to keep strong but I don't feel it at all!
I say all this and things could yet again blow over but am not convinced that would be best in long run, don't know very confused.
I'm sorry to hear that Lushie.

I'm several years out of a relationship in which I was well off and had a shiny future as far as material things went, plus life plans together and so on. I was very unhappy though. We separated on a trial basis, at which point it came to light that he was having an affair with my best friend. I was terrified on being on my own and had avoided the final parting of the ways for a long time. These days I am on my own and very much happier for it. I don't mean to diminish the difficulty of what you're going through, but I can testify that there's life the other side... I often think that living together doesn't suit many couples. I'd be very reluctant to commit to it again. Maybe if you managed to separate amicably, you might find that there's still a relationship there, just a different one?
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Lush4life » 07 Apr 2018 19:25

Many thanks for replying, don't know why I shared if I'm honest , was/ am feeling very confused, this is a 41 year marriage and have so much history good and bad.
I need to be strong in all areas but am struggling a bit, we'll see, things can't continue as they are .
Yes SS you are correct I am fearful of being on my own having been an "us" since I was 15.
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DoneandDone » 07 Apr 2018 22:00

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Re: Family Matters

Post by DannyD » 07 Apr 2018 22:41

When my husband left, I had 2 children under 5. He did little (financially, or visitation) to help. For several months I was a headless chicken. Finances were a nightmare. I couldn't see how I could live without him - he created the fun and adventure in our relationship. He continued to control us because he was always late (unreliable) about collecting the children. He then gave them fun trips, which I resented (I couldn't afford the fun. He never gave us any money).

30 years later, I'm beginning to grow into myself. I raised my children. I bought our house. There IS life afterwards, but I totally understand the fear and apprehension.
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Tai » 08 Apr 2018 08:07

I’m glad you feel able to share what is going on with you at the moment Kim. So many years down the track I’m not surprised that you feel so unsure about the right way forward. And it really does come down to what is right for you. Change is difficult and in some cases painful, but staying the same has it’s own cost too. Even so, might there also be any prospect of change within the marriage to make it a more positive relationship for you both? I’m not for a second suggesting that you’ve not explored every single avenue you can think of, but maybe seeing someone ... a counsellor experienced in marriage guidance might be in a position to offer a different perspective?

Making decisions of such consequence can be paralysingly fearful so it can be really helpful to get an outside point of view. Write what you want when you want Kim, your friends here will always listen. <:)>
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Lush4life
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Lush4life » 08 Apr 2018 08:35

Thanks for taking time to reply , I think maybe that's why I shared here , such a wide breadth of experience and I value all opinions.
Tia we did do a short one to one with vicar last year but I don't think he was really equipped for it.
My husband ; the charmer, but a man of many moods is hard to live with and truly I never know where I am , we are at present negotiating a new lease for our business and maybe that has me thinking , if not now when? but am very concerned this is a knee jerk reaction and this too will pass... until the next time , I am 60 in November and want to go forward into my older years knowing I'm loved, liked and looked out for, I want to feel the same about him.
A stalemate truce in a very nice house feels to me like
" The half life of Hannah"
I have much to give someone and ideally it would be to my husband of so many year's, people say there's no love lost between us , I would argue that indeed there's so much love lost , so much we've shared over a lifetime.
Thank you for allowing me to write this sad saga and perhaps when I read this back it will help give me some clarity, because am not really considering/thinking about what I write , more just letting it out x
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DannyD » 08 Apr 2018 11:12

How much do you talk to him about your feelings Kim? I only ask because my senior daughter said much the same to me at Christmas. She went home, had a long chat, and everything seems fine now. I think she needed a sounding board to express what she wanted. And - to a certain extent, that is how BE can operate.

The other side to this: if you separate. Where will you live? Is there some one on the horizon you feel will care for you in the way you want? Or will you be all-alone-Hannah? Very often 'the grass is greener' turns into a muddy bog.

Loneliness on your own is a different creature to loneliness in a relationship, but it's still loneliness. Don't underestimate how important is the strength of your relationship, the shared memories and support.

A list of pros and cons?
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Lush4life
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Lush4life » 08 Apr 2018 12:20

DannyD wrote:How much do you talk to him about your feelings Kim?
We've talked/argued many times, have even secretly recorded it , so I could try to understand maybe what's wrong in my response to his complaints of course I'm not perfect .
Doing this however didn't seem to throw any light on stuff.

I think she needed a sounding board to express what she wanted. And - to a certain extent, that is how BE can operate.
Yes it can help here because although we have a great family this upsets them also, things I couldn't say to them tbh.


Loneliness on your own is a different creature to loneliness in a relationship, but it's still loneliness. Don't underestimate how important is the strength of your relationship, the shared memories and support.

A list of pros and cons?
I'm not wanting to end this Danny, I don't want anyone else , but I don't want this, neither does he, I think he feels he has upper hand and in many ways he does.
He's confident, nice looking,still working and has many friends... Christ he sounds a catch !
To answer your question re where would I live , it would be a very small place (property here expensive) and apart from my youngest girl (she's 17) when she goes I would be on my own, not a prospect I relish at all , but it's him telling all who will listen he's off , they've heard it all before.
I always said he would have to be the one to leave me , I won't do it (so if it's a mistake , it's one he's made and not me)
This decision is joint because now I will also go albiet with such a heavy heart.
It could still be fixed but for how long , I live a lot of time with days sometimes weeks of silent treatment and I hate it.
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DannyD » 08 Apr 2018 17:39

"Even at your best, you'll never be right for the wrong person, but at your worst, the right person will see your worth."

Just saying.

<:)> <:)>
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Lush4life » 08 Apr 2018 17:55

DannyD wrote:"Even at your best, you'll never be right for the wrong person, but at your worst, the right person will see your worth."

Just saying.

<:)> <:)>
thanks Danny, I appreciate all that have tried to help I mean that.I won't post anymore on subject do know everyone has problems and am hoping all will turn out for best, I have a little faith and along with all you good people , it helps x
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Re: Family Matters

Post by DannyD » 08 Apr 2018 18:01

Sorry Kim. Please feel free to post. Often just letting go on here, can help with perspective.
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Re: Family Matters

Post by SoberBoots » 08 Apr 2018 18:26

Lushie, I don't pretend to know what the right thing for you is. I do know I'd find the lifestyle you describe pretty unbearable. <:)>
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Lush4life » 08 Apr 2018 18:26

DannyD wrote:Sorry Kim. Please feel free to post. Often just letting go on here, can help with perspective.
No need for sorry at all Danny all advice is taken on board .
It has helped me I promise x
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Re: Family Matters

Post by SoberBoots » 08 Apr 2018 19:20

I do wonder - because you say you still feel love for him - whether counselling's an option? It can be very hard to get out of stuck communication patterns, however unhelpful they are. Airing the issues with someone neutral but skilled might make the way forward clearer, whatever the direction.
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Shadowlad » 02 Jul 2018 14:01

* Deep and possible triggering post coming up, but hopefully these reflections may help to others. That is my dearest wish <:)>

So this morning i had my usual morning chat over coffee with daughter who lives with me and works from home. The topic this morning centred around family and friends. It brought about some interesting thoughts about relationships, and how 'severely disfunctional' relationships can be contribute to someone's problem drinking, or infact be the root cause of it.

I appreciate that not every family is affected by mental health problems and/or abuse. Many families however, are blighted with this sickness that runs right through right through the generations. It can breed complex and painful relationships that are endured in the name of 'duty' for far too long. Like many of us, i was born into such a family, where it was 'normal' to have secrets, and where we were taught to lie and protect/condone those who inflicted abusive behaviour on us as children. In most cases, it is the parents themselves inflicting the abusive behaviour, and/or condoning it, just as somebody taught them. However, in some cases, the abuser was never abused at all. With such conditioning it is hardly surprising we develop into adults who have little sense of self, have extremely low self worth, and have a blurred sense of truth. Blurred boundaries are also a common theme and it can take years to learn self respect and assert ourselves in relationships. Years.

My experience is that i went from a 'subtle' abusive upbringing to a marriage that included a another subtle abuse. By 'subtle', i mean it was the 'underground' kind. To the outside world the family i was raised in was 'The Perfect Family'. 'Respectable, happy and well presented'. In both cases, the abuse is presented with some kind of 'warped love' which create a loyalty to the abuser for years. This may sound be familiar to many. It is well known that most abuse happens behind closed doors, and just becomes normalised and accepted for the 'targeted' person.

From personal experiences and that of others, i have learned that such conditioning from age early age really does eat away at the very core of one's soul. And there is no doubt that it often leads to addiction problems and many other forms of life disfunction. Since i got sober, the years that have followed, the same pattern of accepting psychological abuse from certain people has manifested. The reason i want to share this learning is because, one by one, i have had to remove these toxic people from my life. Part of getting sober, and growing in sobriety, has meant that i have learnt to recognise these relationships that cannot be repaired. The relationships have continued out of self blame, duty, and love. Until now.

Recent events have been the hardest, yet most freeing events to date. A series of events have led me to realise that i never really knew two remaining family members at all. It is the acceptance that some people, though once close to me, have far bigger issues than i can fix. Their 'make up' or their 'issues' are just too big for me and i have to let them go. Getting sober has given me the gift of choice. As sad as it is to let some people go from my life, there is such a good platform built from getting sober. Through this recent hurdle in life, i realise i am surrounded by plentiful family and friends that love and support me. That has grown in number since i got on the right road. It is both humbling and enlightening. That said, it has only developed from my new policy of facing up to life, and doing my very best from day to day. Truth is setting me free, i no longer have to live a life based on false beliefs and lies. And it is the most amazing revelation ! I enjoy taking responsibility and striving to live a life of peace and goodwill. I am so grateful for this life that i just want to live it to the full and be around good, sincere people forever. It is the real fruit of life. Not money or material things, just loving relationships with others.

Anyway, that's my reflections for today. It is my understanding that no matter what cards we have been dealt in life, we can learn from it and make our own happiness. We must believe that we are worthy, and believe that we can change for the better, no matter what, because it is true ! :) <:)>

With much love and good wishes to all, from Nicky xxx
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Topcat
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Topcat » 02 Jul 2018 14:30

Shadowlad wrote:
02 Jul 2018 14:01
Anyway, that's my reflections for today. It is my understanding that no matter what cards we have been dealt in life, we can learn from it and make our own happiness. We must believe that we are worthy, and believe that we can change for the better, no matter what, because it is true !
Great post Nicky ;)? <:)>

Moving on can seem so daunting, but it is essential or we will never be free. It can be very painful to tackle and move on from past issues, but it is also liberating.
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Lush4life
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Re: Family Matters

Post by Lush4life » 02 Jul 2018 14:56

Nicky, enlightening, thoughtful and honest post, wishing you the happy, peaceful future you deserve ☺
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