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The relationship I have with myself.......

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
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Cowboy
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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Cowboy » 04 May 2019 14:06

Shadowlad wrote:
04 May 2019 13:51
So onwards it is, and it is with much love and gratitude that i can share this journey with you
Beautifully summarized Nicky. It's so comforting to hear from the ones with longterm sobriety that life still has it's challenges but that by committing to the alcohol free path we can deal with even the most traumatic events in life with a clarity, compassion and honour. I know that it has been a tough year for you and I wish you much happiness. You deserve it.

Thanks for sharing. Cowboy.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. Mark Twain.

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Shadowlad
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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Shadowlad » 04 May 2019 14:18

Thank you so much Cowboy <:)> It is such a pleasure to be walking this path with you, and a great comfort to all of us who strive to stay abstinent. Yours and other's journeys give me strength day by day so thank you xxx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

DoneandDone
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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by DoneandDone » 09 May 2019 18:54

Hi everyone on all the threads,

So much wisdom and honesty on BE. Feel so lucky to have found you all.

Heading home today. It was nice to experience an old watering hole sober. Ha ha Saratoga was originally all about water, but I was drinking other things.I won’t get into the issues with the horses and racing. Though I could easily cook up a good rant. It was all so glamorous to me at one time. Next visit I will try to get to the mineral baths, which I couldn’t tolerate while drinking.

Reading through the threads and getting how down so many are feeling my heart went out. In hindsight, I see that the dark places are where I was doing the work on myself. Recently I listened to some wisdom talker on you tube say that it is our intention that matters most in life, not our will power. I really like thinking of that. I guess that would tell me that it was my intention that finally pulled me through to where I could relax and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Feels good just to breathe sometimes. Sober.

This is something I saw that really resonated for me. Maybe it will help others.

6AC0912A-9DB9-4A13-9141-BDB920651D46.jpeg
Never give up. Love yourself. In any condition. Just as you are.
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It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

TrueState
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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by TrueState » 09 May 2019 19:06

Hey D&D

I love to read your posts I identify with a lot of things that you share. This one did resonate with me as I have often thought recently that it is through our suffering/bad times etc and working and getting ourselves through that by hook or by crook gives us the greatest understanding of all of ourselves and others

I'm currently working my way through the challenge threads I am on 2-4, 100 days and sober May mostly as I am committed to putting some really good distance between myself and alcohol. I am still doing some inner child work, meditation and breathing exercise as well as working on acceptance and forgiveness. But I know I can't do any of this is any kind of meaningful way without that distance from alcohol.

Anyway just wanted to say hello and good to hear from you <:)>

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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Cowboy » 10 May 2019 12:10

TrueState wrote:
09 May 2019 19:06
But I know I can't do any of this in any kind of meaningful way without that distance from alcohol.
Well said TrueState and in my opinion quite true. Keep going.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. Mark Twain.

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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by DoneandDone » 11 May 2019 15:22

Hey True State,
I really like your moniker. I wish I was from True State, but I’m from New York. (w)

Nice to read confirmation of someone having a similar experience about the suffering piece. I mean I have read or heard or was taught about the suffering and struggles of spiritual heroes all my life, but then for some reason I expected my own journey to be a cake walk? How did that happen that I couldn’t get no satisfaction? Some man coming on the radio telling me how white my shirts should be is how. Ha ha.

Had this stuck on my wall

7BE3D7DC-054F-404A-9C9C-479236835673.jpeg
William Blake, The Marriage of Heaven And Hell 1790
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I am beginning to accept the paradox that in my life script, becoming addicted led me to being happy in the end. Thinking like this is the only way out for me of not being permanently disabled by regret. To take the negative as learning, to see it as a gift that opened my eyes to the truth that what matters is my internal state. Maybe that is also the meaning of the phrase about the road to excess leading to the palace of wisdom. Other’s thoughts on the meaning very welcome.

By happy I really mean being content with whatever is happening. It’s not about winning or losing or getting and spending now. I think I have gotten past that through having hit the bottom of way too many vodka bottles. Now I am able to suspend my judgement a bit and not conclude something is good or bad while I am experiencing it. If I can manage to stay neutral some kind of door in my reality opens. Only if I can remember to observe and not judge. Things are beginning to happen that I was not expecting and they are often quite good or at least tolerable. Instead of me laying on more drama. Even if I do get triggered, at least now there is not the additional alcohol induced tantrum about it.

Getting way too intellectual, some of this has to do what the academics call the Apollo Dionysian complexes. People like Carl Jung etc. The games the gods like to play with human emotion are still active in our subconscious programming according to these scholars and are reinforced by our history, education, myths, movies and music. These programs run in the background compelling us to act against our best interest. Even if we don’t think so. This is hard for me to believe sometimes. I thought they were just distracting or entertaining stories.

This is what Allen Carr was all about helping people learn to identify. The subconscious programming we operate from that makes it so hard to quit. Basically Carr showed me the door to my super powers. By that I mean that I learned that it is up to me whether I am wallowing in misery or moving through life with gratitude for how exciting life really is now that I know I am in the driver’s seat. I run my universe.

Here’s a link on Carr I found. Just glanced so far, but it looked interesting. About the man himself.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1702447/

Goes into why the medical profession was at odds with Carr. Our personal autonomy is involved with getting over addiction and most doctors I have found see themselves as gods and have rarely had much interest in my ideas or empowerment. Carr put me in control of my drinking and not dependent on him. Showed me the power of my conditioning and that I could change it.

There’s a whole world of things to think about and do now sober. So glad you are getting a taste of just how good it can be.

Hugs,
D&D
It will always and forever be One Day At A Time

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Shadowlad
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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Shadowlad » 04 Jun 2019 23:52

Aww PP <:)> What a heartfelt post. You sound in turmoil about your siblings, and feeling like an outsider too. From reading your post it sounds more like the division is because you are changing and evolving whilst working to distance yourself from alcohol. If some of your siblings are still drinking heavily, their perspective on the family argument will most likely be distorted. Also, some siblings may have been affected, as you have been, from having an alcoholic parent, disabling their ability to communicate in a balanced and adult manner. We all respond differently to negative experiences, and family disfunction is hardly surprising in the alcohol oriented circumstances in which you describe. It happens amongst siblings and parents even without alcohol in the mix.

PP, it does seem that you are sometimes hard on yourself <:)> It seems to be a trait that many of us have, me included. Jjjj has put up a very good link on the 'just want to share' thread which you might find helpful about self compassion. I'm working on this too. Also i tend to think that it is better to have quality contact with fewer family/friends than to have frustrating contact with people because we feel we should be in contact with them. I wonder if real peace starts to come in nurturing the relationship with ourselves, regardless of anybody else, even our kids <:)>

Lots of love and best wishes, nicky xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Shadowlad
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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Shadowlad » 06 Jun 2019 11:36

You did not come across as needy PP, it was a genuine and heartfelt post describing your relationship with self and family members. <:)>

I think as humans, or any living being, we are simply born with lifelong needs. Our needs have to be met in one way or another, to help us survive. By comparison, 'wants' do not hold the same importance for our mental and physiological health (IMHO). It seems so simplistic, but i hope i am learning to focus on needs and rather than wants in my adult life.

We all need love and belonging ( according to Abraham Maslow, the famous American Psychologist). I find it so sad because this love still exists among disfunctional families. The love still seems to be there, buried under layers of anger, misunderstanding, jealousy, false pride, etc. It is there, if we dig deep enough to see it. This has been my experience of disfunctional family relationships. Also in observing disfunction among my friend's family relationships.

Again, going by my personal experience, i have found it necessary to 'detach with love' on occasion, with certain family members. When i was drinking and self destructing, my daughter nearly had to do this with me. Thank goodness she doesn't have to make that painful decision now. Its not easy taking this step, but it is sometimes vital for our own wellbeing. In an ideal world i want everybody in my family to be happy and get along, but human personality and human emotion does not always allow that. This i can accept now, and i think i'm learning to accept that the angriest family members are the ones who are probably hurting the most. This helps me see past the disfunction, and feel the love once again for their humanity. When i was with my mother recently, the most difficult relationship of all, i actually hugged her more than i have ever done in my life. I once thought that this relationship was unsalvageable, but a simple change in my thinking has shown otherwise. We love each other and can learn to manage our personalities/flaws with care and forethought. As TC said on the roadies, 'to care for others we must first care for ourselves' (or something very close to that). I never realised just how true that was.

So my relationship with self.....is ok at present. I say 'at present' because it is a work in progress just like anything else.

Much love <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Shadowlad » 07 Jun 2019 19:05

Thanks PP <:)>

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience, and your feelings too. Its so helpful and i hope its helped you too to write it all down. Lots to ponder on as you say xx
Pink Panther wrote:
07 Jun 2019 06:38
.we cannot get on with everyone can we and families do tend to take things out on each other, even if they are not guilty of anything in particular. We are growing and learning all of the time. Dynamics...
So true Pink xx

I'm learning that no matter what happens i must keep working on my own response to any family who push my buttons. The faulty wiring in me has, in the past, sparked a high voltage response to provocation ! :shock: :oops:

I was looking at Done&Done's notes again and was intrigued by this quote...

'A fool who persists in his folly becomes wise' (William Blake).

Not fully sure what it means, maybe something like 'if you have made many ill-advised turns, you eventually become learned ?'

Or simply 'Fools learn by their own mistakes ?'

Food for thought anyway, i shall keep pondering, lol.
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Shadowlad » 09 Jun 2019 13:29

Grrr, mind if i have a little rant ? I Why do i go back on social media when it annoys me so much ? Ive just 'unfollowed' 2 half siblings and a nephew. Im fed up of them making stupid guilt tripping statuses about 'family' not bothering with them or returning visits. Also other opinionated and judgemental statuses.

Annoyed at myself because i nearly reacted to it with a grouchy reply, rather than rising above it. They have been brought up in security with two committed and supportive parents (one being my dad !) so they have nothing to moan about :!:

Ok, so i know this is more about my own issues that i am reacting like this. Thats why i am writing here, kind of thinking out loud. Lesson learnt again, minimal time on social media, unfollow negative people, and keep working on my own reactions and emotions.

Glad i didn't react, and controlled those impulses. Damage limitation. Must be getting a bit better at this. :?

xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Jjjj of Old » 09 Jun 2019 13:36

I absolutely HATE those guilt-trippy, passive-aggressive posts on the likes of FB, Nicky. Well done for not reacting, but taking the time to think it through ;)? <:)>
"Addiction doesn’t go away when we stop drinking." ~ Tai

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Shadowlad
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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Shadowlad » 09 Jun 2019 13:47

Thanks Mark, it's so annoying isn't it. Passive aggressive is exactly what it is, why can't they just live and let live ? Anyway thanks, it helps to explore my own responses. Funnily enough i couldn't care less who visits me, i know others are just busy and getting on with their own lives.

Have a good day <:)>


I'm back to sorting my bedroom for decorating now, got to get rid of a mountain of dust first :?

xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Pork » 09 Jun 2019 14:09

I closed my Facebook account in 2011 \:)/
Not that I used it \:)/
People sending me casino tokens ticked me off \:)/

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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Jjjj of Old » 09 Jun 2019 14:38

Shadowlad wrote:
09 Jun 2019 13:47
Passive aggressive is exactly what it is, why can't they just live and let live ?
Exactly, Nicky ;)? <:)> Best wishes for the housework and decorating! Housework is a BIG item on my to-do list for the coming week! :D
Pork wrote:
09 Jun 2019 14:09
I closed my Facebook account in 2011
That's understandable, Pork ;)? I still have it - and mostly enjoy it. I do really hate it, though, when people share the same meme again and again and again... :roll: ;) :lol:
"Addiction doesn’t go away when we stop drinking." ~ Tai

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Shadowlad
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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Shadowlad » 09 Jun 2019 14:41

Pork wrote:
09 Jun 2019 14:09
People sending me casino tokens ticked me off \:)/
:lol: Yep, that ticks me off too, putting it politely. :lol:

Perhaps i'll keep it open for now as it helps to check voluntary work FB page to keep up to date with events, info etc .

xx

crossed posts with Mark. I bet peeps get fed up with my constant funny animal videos , probably been unfollowed for that haha xx
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

Dennis P. Kimbro

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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Jjjj of Old » 09 Jun 2019 14:43

Shadowlad wrote:
09 Jun 2019 14:41
I bet peeps get fed up with my constant funny animal videos , probably been unfollowed for that haha xx
I'm sure they don't, Nicky - funny animal videos are often the best things about FB! :lol: <:)>
"Addiction doesn’t go away when we stop drinking." ~ Tai

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Shadowlad
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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Shadowlad » 09 Jun 2019 14:44

Yeah i like to cheer people up with them lol ;)?

Have a good day chaps <:)>
Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.

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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Jjjj of Old » 09 Jun 2019 14:45

You too, Nicky! \:)/ <:)>
"Addiction doesn’t go away when we stop drinking." ~ Tai

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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Pork » 09 Jun 2019 14:59

Just for you jjjj <:)>
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Re: The relationship I have with myself.......

Post by Jjjj of Old » 09 Jun 2019 15:12

:lol: :lol: (w) (::)

I had a horrible feeling you were going to do that, Pork :lol: <:)>
"Addiction doesn’t go away when we stop drinking." ~ Tai

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