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Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Partners, families, children and friends - they all get affected by your drinking.
libertyx
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Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by libertyx » 13 Jan 2012 11:48

I am a new member , my name is Deborah and ive joined this site in the hope that I can get some help and advice regarding my involvement with people with alcohol issues in my life . I dont have a problem with drinking myself .
My father was a drinker and he was violent and abusive at times .. we kind of lived in fear of him continuously and there are many stories I could tell . I dont have contact with him now as an adult , mainly because he still scares me and I felt the need to please him all the time and do as I was told by him . Its easier not to see him ,but I do feel awfully guilty about it , as he is infirm now and very lonely .
I have suffered mental health problems most of my adult life , in the form of depression and have taken meds for this for 20 years , also have had 2 years of CBT therapy , which was wonderful . I have a psychology degree and have worked with disabled and mentally ill people in the past , although I havent worked properly now for about 12 years .
Recently I discoverd my partner of 15 years ( on and off ) was having an affair . I left him with our daughter . Since then I have met a new man who is everything my ex partner wasnt . He is so caring and loving and geniune . He has everything that I would want in a person , except , he drinks ....he binge drinks . I kind of discovered it was a problem over a few months of repeated problems , lots of 'sorrys' and a few bouquets of flowers .
I know that he is bringing out all of my mothering instincts and that I may be tempted further by subconciously helping the child I was to overcome the problems that I couldnt fix . I also know that I could use this as an excuse to avoid my own 'life' because it is easier to focus on someone elses needs , rather than my own . Having said that , I can see still a future with this man , although it is rose tinted right now .
Thats why I feel the need to get some help myself , and thats why I have joined here ..Im at a crossroads in every aspect of my world and this new relationship has only added to my confusion ... cliche perhaps but ' I do love him ' well I think thats what it is

Help if you can ?

Thanks for reading
Dx

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by Shelsey » 13 Jan 2012 13:06

Oh D.... oh dear. I can't give you life advice - what I can tell you is that, if your new man is an alcoholic, then he will always put alcohol before you and your daughter. Not all alcoholics drink every day, some binge, and he seems to know there is a problem with flowers, etc.

One thing I can tell you is it WILL get worse. None of us have gotten better with our drinking - we just got further and further into the pit. I never chose love over alcohol - it was my everything. I wouldnt give up until I was at the rock bottom - and you really dont want to have to go down to rock bottom with him...

check out these web links:

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/newcomers/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

http://www.drinkaware.co.uk/tips-and-tools/drink-diary/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

http://www.drinkaware.co.uk/facts/binge-drinking" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

http://www.thesite.org/drinkanddrugs/dr ... gedrinking" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

also try phoning the al-anon helpline - you will be able to speak to somebody who understands and can give you practical advice- Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888

And good luck xxx
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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by zelda » 13 Jan 2012 14:19

I think you need to find out, from him, how HE sees his own problem. Don't throw love away on the basis of a hunch. Maybe with your help he can overcome his issues with drink. Get talking to him to find out what he thinks, and then, if you find he is not willing to knock it on the head, you will have your answer.
Zelda xx
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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by libertyx » 13 Jan 2012 19:08

Thanks both for your replies , I appreciate it .

He does admit he has a problem with drinking , he cant control it . He has said he will stop and get help , as he doesnt want to lose me . ( wrong reasons ? )
also , he thinks he may have lost his licence after last weekends binge :oops: this is a big thing for him as he runs a rather large company and needs his car , however he will probably just get a driver . We live 3 hours apart aswell , so that will be a blow for both of us getting to see one another as often .

I feel really stressed out at the moment :cry:

Dx

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by libertyx » 13 Jan 2012 20:49

thanks winker ,

you put the dilemma into a nutshell there . We are together this weekend so I will aim to level with him and vice versa hopefully .
I think he is honest , but I cant be 100 percent . Usually , in drink , he is very very loving and just soft and daft , however this can change very quickly and he can become aggressive and confused and he also wakes up in the night and cries about dreams he has had , or over reacts about how much he loves his son , or me , and how much it hurts etc... ( just drunken rambles really )

he has never been aggressive with me , or abusive .. he just 'disappears ..if that makes sense . His memory is affected after a session and he rarely remembers conversations , even early morning ones . He doesnt drink in the week when he is working , but all week he is generally ill , pale , tired , sweaty , anxious and either depressed or buzzing .

God he sounds like a good catch doesnt he ! oh dear :cry:


Dx

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by 40percentproof » 13 Jan 2012 22:32

From my side I put my wife through hell for years, I always had an excuse, good day, bad day, full moon etc I always found things to throw back, how she went out to a party last week and got drunk or the fact she smokes or she is nagging or a killjoy. Only when I saw the issue myself did I deal with it.

What has helped is that I have been supported every step of the way through this but I knew it was getting close to the point where she didn't want me anymore. What she met and what I had become were different entities.

I will defend myself here though and this is important you understand. When I would say I want to stop, or this is the last time, I will cut down, only at weekends now I promise etc I really did mean it. What I couldn't do is to stop because I did not know how to do so. And the more it went on the more I hated myself for being weak and the more she hated me as she felt that I was just saying the things she wanted to hear, a popular response from her was "I have heard this all before"

I had every intention of stopping or calming it down but I could no more do that than I could construct a wardrobe or put up a shelf. I didn't have the tools or an instruction manual to follow.

If he wants to stop and has you as a reason for stopping then so be it. Stuff the reason why, the end result, the destination matters more than the journey. It looks like its being done for you but he will be gaining too.

I wish you well but if I can leave you some support here it is to be patient, understanding and to encourage. You will have in your own mind a point you are prepared to reach and don't ever waiver from that but don't use it as a threat either. If I didn't drink or when I got it to a couple of beers only it was nice that it was noticed.

I really hope this works out.
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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by Scully » 15 Jan 2012 23:19

Hi there D,

I have to agree with the above post. Up until today I was a binge drinker with every excuse under the sun ready to hurl at my partner when he asked me to get help. These excuses are not there so we can hurt you, or so that we can belittle you. This is not a tit-for-tat situation. We're giving these excuses because what we cant say is that we feel weak and vulnerable. Or at least that's where I've been for many years now.
So please encourage him to stop, but also be prepared that until he wants to stop, he'll be armoured with excuses and arguments. Be patient. He can already see that there's something wrong. And if he does slip up, dont give him a guilt trip. Encourage him to start over, to get over the blip.
I know its hard for you. It's taken my partner of 11 years moving out for me to look at myself and realise what I've put us both through. It's hard for your partner too. He's not choosing to be like this, its learned behaviour.
Good luck, chin up, and I hope it works out well for you both.
Scully x

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by libertyx » 19 Jan 2012 12:11

Thankyou so much to everyone who has replied to me , I am so grateful for the inspiration from you all x

Things are going very well since I posted last , he hasnt had a drink at all since his last binge . We have been out together a couple of times to restaurants and to a pub , and he drunk non - alcoholic lager . I was so proud of him which may sound pathetic but I am :)

I am intending to stand by him whilst he tries to change his habit and support him the best I can . Its hard not to mention alcohol all the time , I have to bite my tongue alot because I find myself want to say ' do you feel like having a drink ? whats going to happen next weekend ? how many times have you been through this ? etc..etc..
I feel as though I am reminding him all the time of his problem .

The last conversation we had about it , he said that he aimed to be able to drink moderately and just socially . I am unsure that this will be possible and would love to know other peoples experiences of this ?

Thanks again
Dx

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by Scully » 19 Jan 2012 22:27

The last conversation we had about it , he said that he aimed to be able to drink moderately and just socially . I am unsure that this will be possible and would love to know other peoples experiences of this ?
I'm afraid D that this is another excuse. I am a binge drinker. That's hard for me to admit to. But I am. I can't have one or two. My brain doesnt tell me to stop. I have one, then another, then 4 more, then a bottle of wine.... for me, the only way to stop being a drunken arsehole to my partner and the people around me, and more importantly to ME, it to stop drinking altogether. Cut out the poison.

He's not completely ready. And not because he doesnt want to be - he's probably as desperate as you are to be free of alcohol. But I would certainly suggest that he sees a councellor, for some extra backup.

And well done you for not nagging - its tough on you too, but you seem to be dealing with this really well <:)>

Scully x

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by libertyx » 20 Jan 2012 09:36

Thanks Scully <:)>

I kind of knew that but part of me wants it to be possible , I guess time will tell :( . I am planning to have a chat about it this weekend at some point ( gulp ) .

My partner is 33 and I am 45 so there is an age gap between us . It isnt a problem in itself as we even each other out in many ways and dont look too different thank god ( but it will catch up with me I reckon ! ) .
I mention that cos i think that my maturity is helping me to cope , and I am not prepared to be his 'mother' .. my children are grown up now and I dont want another one !

Dx

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by Dreamingbig » 27 Apr 2013 05:34

Hi everyone,

I'm sorry to hijack your thread Liberty but for the life of me I cant figure out how to post a new topic! Can someone help me out with this? I am in the same boat as you in some ways Liberty. How have things worked out? I hope your partner has made some good progress.

I am new here, I'm really here because I'm worried about my boyfriend and I dont have anyone I can talk to about it :(
A bit of background; My boyfriend and I have been together for bout 7months so its still a very new relationship. I had noticed he liked to drink a few months into the relationship but I didn't realise the extent until I started staying over at his place...there were beer bottles everywhere! I mean the whole kitchen counter was covered in them! At the time I thought either it had been a long time since he'd cleaned up or he'd had a few mates over the night before. He just laughed it off. The next few times I visited it was the same and that's when I started to realise the beer bottles were all his. I started taking notice of how much he drinks and he will easily drink 8 beers a night, often its more like 12. Some nights he'll open a bottle of wine after he's finished his beers. To me this is worrying :shock: I can understand a beer or two after work to relax but he is getting drunk most nights. I did have a talk to him about it, I told him I was worried about his health and how much he drinks. He agreed with me and admitted he thinks he drinks too much too. He said my pointing it out was the kick in the bum he needed to cut back. But he also mentioned he didn't think he could ever stop completely and that he likes to drink to get drunk. Since then he did cut back (around me anyway, we don't live together) but when I'd visit his house I'd see all the empty beer bottles piling up again :(

Now as for me I had just gotten out of a bad relationship a few months before I met my boyfriend. I I had been married for 7 years and I have 3 kids, ages one, four and six to my ex husband. My ex was a big, immature, narcissistic and volatile man. He wasn't a drinker but had major impulse and self control issues, mainly he was terrible with money, often spending beyond our means and leaving us with no money to even buy nappies. He was extremely good at manipulating my thoughts and shifting the blame for almost everything onto me. When I left him I vowed never to ignore my instincts again and to never let myself be in a position where I feel I have to be the voice of reason (because I constantly had to be with my ex, he was a child in a 40 year olds body) I hate to be seen as a nag and I HATE conflict. I will often keep things to myself for far too long and not voice my concerns purely to avoid confrontation. This has been to my own demise at times. I also have enormous pressure on my shoulders as a single mum to my 3 boys, my eldest is autistic and my middle child has ADHD.

So back to my boyfriend. He really is the most amazing man I have met, he is kind, patient and calm- everything my ex isn't. He is so kind and patient with my boys (and they can be VERY full on!), he's level headed and so loving and affectionate. I love him so deeply and I see my future with him as he does me. But his drinking is really making me pull away from him emotionally. He doesn't get violent at all when he drinks, he doesnt have a violent bone in his body! he is just the same as he always is..just more wobbly/slurry. But I feel as though it is and will be more of a problem than he realises. He can go from wiping himself out one night to straight back on the grog the next. I worry how addicted he is and that he cant go more than one night without alcohol. He has admitted to me that he drink drives which really appalls me but he doesn't see much wrong with it as he says he's in full control. I know he's been fined for drink driving when he was younger too. Also he likes to smoke weed a few times a week. I'm not as concerned about the weed as its not as often and there doesn't seem to be the same need to have it as the alcohol. But I worry that he needs alcohol/weed to relax, or it has become such a habit that he doesn't see much wrong with it. I love this man so much and I want to support him emotionally and be there for him but I don't know if I have the strength. I need to think of my kids and put them and myself first, but I also don't want to lose my boyfriend. Sorry for the novel and thank you for reading. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks guys and sorry again Liberty for hijacking the thread! ;)

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by Boris Bike » 27 Apr 2013 06:51

Hi Dreamingbig :)

You may have noticed that the last post on this thread prior to yours was back in January which tells us that this isn't a very busy thread. You may not get much response here. Although before I could send this I see Envy has posted a reply, so what do I know. :) (Hi Envy :) )

I think it might be a good idea for you to copy the post you've made here and paste the text on the "Introduce yourself" thread where I see you have also posted. You'll likely get more support that way.

Only moderators can start a new thread and that's why you can't see a way to do it. We generally discourage people from starting a new thread for their own specific needs these days but, instead, try to make a thread about a broader issue so that others can join in.

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by Dreamingbig » 27 Apr 2013 07:01

Thank you for the replies Envy and Boris, I'll do what you've suggested and post in the "introduce yourself thread' I was going to do that to start with but didnt want to start with 'Hi everyone nice to meet you...now here are all my issues' :D .

Envy thank you for the good advice, you're right, I think he (and I) definitely needs to speak with someone/reach out for support.. but I'm not sure he really wants to stop drinking? I find it hard to imagine he'd stop completely and I'm guessing its an all or nothing type of situation? :?

I'm glad I've found this sight, there seem to be some wonderful and very wise people on here :) I'll head back over to the "introduce yourself' thread :)

Thanks!

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by soempty » 24 Sep 2019 14:58

Hi all, i have come on here looking for guidance and to try and reach some understanding. I am married to a lovely man ,( until he has had a drink, he is a binge drinker, so we normally hit problems about once a month) then out of nowhere it is like the devil itself is in the bottle, and goes down his throat and takes over his whole being. I have been trying to deal with this for 4 years, and have had many an open discussion with him about the problem. sadly he doesnt really see there being a problem as he blacks right out and is unaware of the issues he caused the night before anyway. Well after yet another awful night out on what should have been a romantic evening away, i have finally realised that enough is enough, and i dont want to live like this for the rest of my life, i feel so hollow and empty inside, i feel let down, used, frustrated, just so many broken promises that i just dont want to even take the chance of him letting me down again. so he is now saying that he will stop the drinking, but surely if it was that simple he would have done it years ago, not felt the need to keep going til i have reached break down point. i love this man dearly, but am i being selfish and unsupportive by finally admitting that i cant take it anymore? im scared to leave just in case this time REALLY was THE LAST TIME, but im scared to stay, just to keep living the same old rollercoaster year after year

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by Shadowlad » 24 Sep 2019 18:43

soempty <:)>

Does your husband understand just how painful his drinking is for you ? I wonder if it would confirm it further if you could write a letter to him, and don't hold back at all. It is important that you feel heard, as you are clearly suffering. The sober, lovely husband needs to fully understand that your health cannot withstand another return of the drunk stranger he becomes. You need him to address what is clearly a big problem that is affecting both of you. I am sure the lovely man you describe would hate it if he fully understood how anxious and angst you are. Keep trying to get through to him, it is not selfish to express your distress. Do take care, love and best wishes to both of you xxx
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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by soempty » 24 Sep 2019 19:36

Hi shadowlad, thank you for your kind words. yes sadly my husband is very aware of the pain he is causing, this is not the first time it has nearly pushed me over the edge. i am not a quiet person, i am very straight forward and not one to beat around the bush or drop hints, I have tried putting it in writing, i've also sat and calmly told him whats going on inside me, describing our life as a broken plate that keeps getting glued back together. sadly i'm at the stage where i feel so i no longer give a damn, ( my defence mechanism, to stop being hurt again), but i really don't feel i can risk letting my barriers down again, just to be here again

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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by Shadowlad » 24 Sep 2019 19:57

Ah i see. I do understand. Even though i was a drinker i have also been on the receiving end of a loved one's addiction. The change in the person when drinking/using is alarming. When i was going through it with someone very close to me it was the hardest time of my life, soul destroying. He was showing no concrete signs of helping himself, i had to practically beg him to get out of bed and go to his addiction appointments. I know now that it was never going to work until he wanted to change for himself, or reached crisis point. The latter happened, but i had to detach for my own sanity before that happened. The person was living in my home and i had to ask him to leave for the sake of myself and wider family. His behaviour was totally unacceptable.

That is just my experience. Sometimes we have to make some very hard decisions in life. I never understood the term 'detach with love' until then. Adults are totally responsible for themselves and their own recovery. I know i made the right decision at the time, but it was so difficult and a temporary pain that had to be endured for the greater good. We all have that inner strength when we really need to draw on it. It is there in each and every one of us. Whatever happens and whatever you decide, you are not alone here xx

<:)>
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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by Ruby&Tilly » 25 Sep 2019 00:03

Hi soempty, I've never been on your side of the fence when it comes to relationships so ignore me if you like but I'd just like to give you a <:)>

I've found this forum has totally changed my attitude to alcohol. In the past I've had detoxes/drugs/counselling etc for my alcohol issues and not really made any progress. Initially my motivation to stop drinking was my psychiatrist threatening my drivers licence but once I joined this site and Soberboots suggested I join the 3 month challenge, my outlook totally changed (bearing in mind that I could barely go a day without drinking prior to this). Like Shadowlad has said he has to want to do this himself for it to work but I would encourage him to at least read some of the posts on here. Most people don't go for total abstinence straight away (even though most know deep down that they should) but take it 1 day at a time. Do you know why he drinks? Is there an element of social phobia/stress/unassertiveness etc and can these issues be resolved/ameliorated. I don't think self preservation is selfish in the slightest but you describe a lovely person most of the time and maybe (and it's a big maybe) he could be a lovely husband all the time. Only you can decide but I hope you both can get the help you need. <:)>

Ruby xx
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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by SoberBoots » 25 Sep 2019 09:43

soempty wrote:
24 Sep 2019 19:36
Hi shadowlad, thank you for your kind words. yes sadly my husband is very aware of the pain he is causing, this is not the first time it has nearly pushed me over the edge. i am not a quiet person, i am very straight forward and not one to beat around the bush or drop hints, I have tried putting it in writing, i've also sat and calmly told him whats going on inside me, describing our life as a broken plate that keeps getting glued back together. sadly i'm at the stage where i feel so i no longer give a damn, ( my defence mechanism, to stop being hurt again), but i really don't feel i can risk letting my barriers down again, just to be here again
I think you have to look after yourself. It's the addict who has to walk the walk - you can point them in the direction of support and be positive about their ability to recover (the hopelessness that goes with being addicted is very powerful) but you can't get sober for someone or force them into doing it for themselves. It sound to me as if by staying you're risking a breakdown of your own. Be clear that you love the sober person and your actions are not a judgement, but it sounds as if you're getting damaged yourself, and you are respnsible for yourself and yourself only.
Last edited by SoberBoots on 26 Sep 2019 09:00, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Should I let him go now to save the pain ?

Post by soempty » 25 Sep 2019 10:35

Thank you soberboots, sadly I am aware of this fact, and as much as I don't want to turn my back on him, I know I must. My mental, physical and emotional health is suffering because of the years of pain. Sadly he seems to get up and carry on day after day as if nothings happened, where as I feel like I'm carrying a million scars x

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