Plan ahead, be aware of dangerous situations

[silvergirl]

i am feeling a bit odd.

i'm alone this week, which is nice in a way, and also strange. but strange in a nice way i suppose. nah it's good - i decided what i needed was a bit of time off from being a parent, and then i organised things so that that is what happened. i am enjoying it, but also missing the spawn. i know she'll be back though, so i'm just chilling out and enjoying it. earlier on in the week i had thoughts about drinking, but i'm not going to. all good.

what i'm thinking about though, is a family wedding in a few weeks, and i am wondering about having a glass of champagne to toast the bride and groom. and only one. i am not sure why i think this is likely to be okay - but i suspect it might be (ha!), i have been in situations before when i have mentally allowed myself a set amount of alcohol on a particular occasion and it has been fine. i'm not sure about down the line though, it might be fine on the saturday of the wedding but i suspect it would also give me a taste for it again and then the whole cycle of chaos would start again. i guess i should spell it sham-pain. (cheers big ears. )

on balance, i'm probably not going to have the one glass. i guess i would maybe feel a bit silly toasting them with orange juice or whatever the non alcoholic alternative is. also, a lot of my family will be there and whilst i didn't drink when i saw them at new year, i suppose that by not drinking at a wedding, there will be questions asked about "does she have a problem..." well, yes, i do, several, but my problems are lessened if i don't drink.

oh, it has just this very minute occurred to me that a solution would be to explain to the family member who is getting married that i no longer drink alcohol but would like to toast them with something other than orange juice and is it okay to bring along a couple of bottles of fizzy 0% bubbly from sainsbury's for them to chill and me to drink. yay! but again that's a tacit admission of alcoholism. do i care? i suppose what i'm thinking of is that if i have one and say "no more, that's plenty for me thanks" i will look like a responsible drinker? ha! i'm not a responsible drinker, i know that, so why am i trying to fool myself?

gah.

right, going to get out of my pyjamas and out to the shop. i had potatoes and onion for my tea last night because that's about all there was in the house! i mixed them up with mayonnaise and it was surprisingly good, a warm potato salad. but i'd quite like something different tonight.

sgx

[Libelula]

Hi sg,

A short and sweet late night post but just wanted to say hello. I think the 0% sparkling AF wine is a great idea - one that you can put into practice in future situations too, if you feel it works well as a tactic. You are thinking well ahead, so have time to think about it.

I actually saw your post on my phone this afternoon - my smartphone shows up the latest threads to be posted on and your post flashed up. I was at work though so couldn't really compose a reply. Recently I've developed a habit of slightly compulsively sneaking peeks into Brighteye at work. This is not really constructive behaviour: someone eventually will see which site I'm surfing; I could get into trouble for non work-related internet (I don't think a local authority would dare discipline someone using the internet to seek help with an alcohol problem... but not a case I want to have to make!); and finally, it strikes me as an addictive behaviour.

I am trying hard not to be addicted to Brighteye, as I want it to remain a positive force in my life!

Anyway, my other compulsive tendency to drone on is beginning to kick in. Just wanted also to say warm potato salad sounds *delicious*...! I hope you had a tasty tea tonight too.

A week without your daughter is probably quite a change to your normal routine, so stay strong there.

Lib x

[marie-claire]

Hi sg
I completely understand your dilemma. I've had a few like that myself over the past months and worrying about them is always worse than the actual event. If this were me, I know - and have known from day 1 - that if I gave myself permission to drink AT ALL, whatever the circumstances, then I would be back up to my old tricks before you know it. I could kid myself that just one glass would be fine but c'mon, when did I ever EVER want just one glass? Actually, I never much liked going to functions because it meant I couldn't drink as much as I would have liked to. One reason it took me decades to stop was precisely because I was convinced it would mean social death, embarassment and discomfort. Well actually, there's nothing more embarrassing than being the most obviously pissed person at someone's wedding.

I haven't been to a wedding yet since I stopped but I've been to several birthday parties where everyone was toasting in champagne. Where possible I took something vaguely similar (sparkling elderflower is lovely) but otherwise, I just raised my glass with whatever was in it. I doubt anyone noticed, or, if they did, was bothered or interested. Much less noticeable than falling over, spilling wine, talking nonsense etc etc anyway.

I've "come out" to most people (that matter) by now and you know what? It really hasn't been the problem I'd imagined. In fact people who care about you are generally supportive. I've usually just said I was worried about my health so I stopped drinking and start exercising and feel the better for it. Actually, my husband usually tells them before I can! He's that proud of me, bless him. Once you've done this family wedding AF you'll be so much stronger for the next time - that's what I've found anyway.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your me-time week.
MC x

[silvergirl]

thanks both for your responses. i think i needed to think aloud, although i already know the answer.

marie-clare, really nice to see you, and it's good to see that you're still chugging away. i kind of lost my way for a while, and looking back on my own experience of the last few months, really does make me think that i'm trying to pull a huge number on myself. en route to the shop yesterday for eggs and other delights, part of me was saying "a day off today would be fine" but it was easy to quash that part of my brain and say nah, don't be so silly. but, i know that when i'm caught up in the midst of drinking, it's a compulsion, that part of my brain just gets to click into the driving seat and wins, (oops - typed wines there... ) hands down. i just can't help myself so what kind of dumbass would i be to willingly let alcohol into my life again?! it's an insidious evil drug, if i had quit smoking for over a month i wouldn't be saying "oh i'll just have one, i'd feel left out without it" i would understand that i couldn't. gah. perhaps i need a partial lobotomy! most of my side of the family who will be there have already seen me not drinking at new year. they all live quite far away, so i rarely see them, but at new year there were four or five days on the trot where i just said no thanks, not today, and that was accepted. half of my family are drunks, and the sober half know that the other half are drunks so me making a good choice and deciding not to go down that route should only be a good thing! (except for the half who are drunks of course, because they no longer get to feel on a level with me and want me to join in....) anyway. thanks.

in addition to the wedding in a few weeks, i've got about five weekends coming up where i will be busy and socialising, which is actually quite rare for me. i keep a drinking diary at drinkingdiary.com and i've clicked forward for each day and tried to visualise it, where i will be, what i will be doing, and that i will be sober. (plugging in sober days when i haven't actually had them is a bit sad, i know! i'm not really trying to wish my life away) but, plugging in sober days, and occasionally thinking what would happen if i did drink on any of them, (i'd be binging daily within three days...) was a useful exercise, it helped me narrow down what are going to be the tricky days and i suppose forewarned is forearmed. i think that possibly i haven't categorically said "no thanks, not now, not ever" because that doesn't give me an "out" in future, so that i am possibly still sneakily planning a relapse at some point. "oh, i wasn't drinking, but it's all fine now, so i will"... instead i always say something like "i'm not drinking tonight" or "i just don't fancy it today" which implies it may be a short term thing, which isn't really what i'm after. i'm not being very congruent.

libby, hugs to you. sorry it's taken me a couple of days to get back to you, and thanks muchly for your lovely late night post. i completely agree that swopping an addiction to alcohol for an addiction to bright eye is not a good route, it's something i have thought about myself too. i don't work at the moment, but i think that keeping work and bright eye completely separate is a good idea. my tottie salad *was* delicious, and i have been subsisting on hot chicken sandwiches and salads ever since. i feel good! the week off has been just the ticket, today's the last day of freedom, so i'm gonna (try to) put the forum down today and do sommat vaguely constructive.

love,
sgx

[Boris Bike]

Gosh! You're really putting a lot of work into planning these future events, SilverGirl. It's impressive. I'm sure you are greatly increasing your chances of getting through it all AF. Excellent stuff.

[silvergirl]

hi boris. yes, i am thinking about it, partly because i recently did 7 months sober then went out for an evening and lapsed, bigstyle. cue three months of near daily chaos later, and i think, oh! that wor a bit silly then. when i lapsed, i was completely unprepared, it hadn't even occured to me that drinking was on the cards, that it could even be an option. i hadn't given myself any pep talks simply because i didn't think they were necessary. i was wrong! i'm dragging myself back up, have nearly done a month sober now, and feel like drinking is history again, but, the little voices are certainly still there inside my head, and because my social life is going to get a lot busier than usual (i.e. nil!) i want to be prepared this time.

thanks for your comment, and i saw on another thread you've gone for the big bad day one. well done, that's an achievement, and i wish you all the very best of luck.

sgx

[Jellybean]

Hi Silvergirl, Your posts got me thinking about the future and what you do when everyones drinking and what you say when everyone around is on it and they know you have always been too.....and I'm thinking about people close to me who know I was always the cocktail loving one, thinking I'm in Sex in the City and all that malarky...and i'm just going to say I'm on a detox.....like I'm on a diet...and just say i'm off drinking for health reasons....and the calories. I'm hoping this is going to work because everyone's always prattling on about diets and Ive got a few friends who as bizarre as it sound sneakily don't drink on a night out because they don't like it and they don't want to put any weight on.
So I was just thinking of you and what you could say to get by......x

[silvergirl]

thanks jellybean, that's a good idea. my mum was madly calorie counting when i saw her last (to be able to fit into her frock for the wedding..) so i might just act horrified at the very thought and say "do you *know* how many calories is in that glass of wine?!" heh. given that me mum also asked me if i was pregnant last time i saw her, this may well be accepted as an excuse!

sgx

[Libelula]

Bump!!!

Funny to see SG's post there ... that was just before the day I thought I had stopped drinking for good, after a bad Saturday in Aug.

I have an evening ahead tonight where I think I might come under pressure to drink, so am just posting here as a kind of resolution.

I am still kind of bumping along trying to reach sufficient 'ignition sobriety' but last night it was a bottle of AF sparking wine after one small glass of wine, and nothing the night before, so I'm trying to keep on trying!

Lib x

[silvergirl]

hi libby, that's a bit bizarre because i was thinking of you earlier on today, and wondering how you were doing. good to see you posting, and i understand only too well that ignition spark lacking. it seems so easy when we're on a roll, (well, sometimes it does...) but getting to the rolling stage can be immensely tricky. keeping on keeping on i guess.

hope you had a splendid evening, and that planning ahead helped. catch up soon i hope.

much love,
sgx

[ThisTimeGirl]

So I have a leaving do to organise and attend on Weds. The person leaving is a heavy drinker (yes definitely has a problem, but we've never discussed it). Anyway, this is a tough group and historically the ones with whom I would get very trashed. I want to go (well I'm organising it so I have to be there) but i seriously don't want to drink but don't know if i will handle it.. Any advice welcome!!

[Grendelslip]

Sorry if this sounds a bit glib - and I suppose it does - but can you not just go there and organize? Sorry, this really isn't helping - but maybe it could/should?

[silvergirl]

Hope the works do was good Sally. I particularly like the thought that you can leave whenever you like, something I sometimes struggle with is that saying no is also a valid option.

Best wishes,
Sgx

[Tookie]

I can see this being an issue for me when I go home to Australia, whenever that is. Its not so bad while I'm in the U.K because I don't know anyone so there's no danger of bumping into mates who drag me to the pub or getting nagged to 'just have one beer'.
I'm planning on using this time alone to strengthen my resolve and find a new way of living so I have the strength to decline them when the time comes. Its going to be hard because most of my friendships back home pretty much revolve around drinking, but like has been mentioned before, if they are truly mates behind the drinking then the friendship should survive regardless and if they aren't well I guess they aren't worth it.
I've tried to quit before back home but my 'mates' think its a great joke and aren't supportive at all. I will tell them I'm not drinking and they will just put a large frosty pint right down in front of me, they think its hilarious. Pricks. I mean, really I shouldn't be going the pub with them if I'm trying not to drink so I've only got myself to blame for that.
But I figure now is the best possible time to stop, with so much new stuff to see. I love history and Museums etc. and there is no shortage of that in Europe, so I shouldn't want for stiumulation, once my motivation to get out and about comes back. I can feel it growing every day actually. I do feel the best I've felt in a long time right now and am enjoying my sobriety immensely, still I am wary of slipping up.

[maryj]

no ideas danny, but will be watching closely for other peoples, i've got a wedding in march, in ireland.
i was gonna let OH go on his own, but he is not keen, know it would be a nightmare, so any ideas would be helpful.

[NikDV]

Hi All, hi DD.

I've got a holiday next week and visiting my best friend. We used to get hammered together back in the day. She now has kids but in the evenings there will be temptation to have some wine together. Really don't want to and anxious that I'll crack.

Also my Dad is visiting and we also drink together so I'm anxious about that too.

Life really is much easier when I don't go anywhere or see anyone. I just posted on the 4 week thread that I had a dream last night in which I moved house to a remote location and was scared about being isolated from my friends so this is obviously becoming a concern for me.

Bit grumpy

[2XS]

I am attending a leaving do for a work colleague tonight down the local pub... guess I'll be driving then... even though it's walking distance

[kevdan97]

Strangely, triggers for me are talking with my alcoholic mom on the phone, or my alcoholic aunt. They become irritated if they sense I am not drinking by my voice and attitude. Any advice on dealing with those triggers?

[Topcat]

Can you keep those conversations to the absolute minimum for the first few weeks Kev? Even blocking the calls if need be. Your sobriety has to be your number one priority.

[caroline95]

Ooh, I'm an expert on this one!Years of drunk Mum phone calls till she died, now the same from my brother, though he's a lot better since we had words about it.

Some tricks of the trade I've used are - as TC says, not answering, or blocking calls if I'm really not up to it.Also timing them - ten minutes, then making an excuse to ring off.Writing a list of excuses and keeping it by the phone in case I'm taken unawares.

I now have a finely tuned antennae that tells me when the conversation is going to get maudlin/critical/boring, so I try and take control of the conversation, deliberately steering it away to safe subjects, like what's on tv/weather/any hobbies or interests that don't involve booze.

I'm thinking someone should write a book on how to deal with drunken phone calls!

Good luck kev, it's not easy but it is do-able.