Is There Life After Sobriety?

[Jarvis Jones]

A word from our resident Cowboy...

Is There Life After Sobriety?

I know the answer to this question in my heart and the answer is yes of course. I believe there are a lot of us here that know for certain there is life after sobriety – because we’ve been there. Yet some are afraid, or stubborn, or just too lazy to choose abstinence (put me in this last group). After all, it’s much easier to just continue coping with life’s problems by self-medicating with alcohol. I’ve had a couple of weeks of very difficult times with my family and at work. I have taken the easy route and just got drunk on a nightly basis to help deal with these issues. I know in my heart that this will not correct anything - it makes these issue worse actually. I now know that my family needs me desperately and they need me stone cold sober. More importantly - I need me sober. I know that when I’m sober I can make a difference and initiate change. When I’m drinking there is no change.

So what’s the point of this thread? I want to believe it is a place for those folks like me to come and try and sort this question out together. For me, there is some sort of illogical fear that I won’t be able to enjoy upcoming events without an alcoholic drink in my hand. Or how can I spend my evenings without unwinding with a cocktail? Or enjoy a fine glass of wine with a nice meal. Or I might have to face head on some deeply rooted issues that I have covered up with my drinking.

I would like people who have been there and know in their heart that there is life after sobriety come and tell their story. People that for some unknown reason are fighting to hold on to something that they don’t even know what it is anymore (if that even makes any sense). Of course any and all posts are welcome and appreciated.

I agree with Cowboy. For some of us it is very difficult to believe that we can build good, steady, fun lives for ourselves after giving up alcohol - lives in which we can be AF and still have a great time with friends and family. How can we have fun and socialise like we used to, without a drink in our hands? How else can we relax? Where else can we find relief for the troubles and worries of our daily lives? For some, it seems there's no choice: you can't be sober and have any kind of life, surely?

But many others of us have proved this to be perfectly possible.

Let those in doubt bring their worries to the table so that those who know what can be achieved can comfort and encourage them.

Is there life after sobriety?

Damn right there is!

[Topcat]

That's a terrific post Cowboy and Mark. I can vouch for the fact there most certainly is life after sobriety. In fact, I've regained my life after throwing 30 odd years of it away. Yes, I functioned for a long time whilst drinking, but it gradually took over more and more until I could no longer carry out everyday tasks efficiently. Even when I wasn't actually drinking (I binged) I was either planning the next session or recovering from the previous one.

It isn't easy coping without a crutch you've relied on for years. Not easy at all. I drank mainly to hide my shyness. I had to face the fact that I am what I am and people can take me or leave me - but this is me! I like me now and that is the first time I've been able to say that in decades. I did not like the me who drank (and neither did anybody else if I'm brutally honest).

Is there life after sobriety? A resounding YES

[REMF]

wanted to delete my post but not possible.

[cowboy]

First of all, thanks to Mark and the Mods (sounds like a great 60's group eh?) for taking this concept, which is very close to my heart, and making it happen. Personally, I am struggling very hard with this and excited about a future without alcohol. I'm not getting any younger and alcohol consumption most certainly will not add any years to my life. I feel extremely fortunate with where I am in this life. Particularly given my upbringing etc. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, I'm just being realistic.

I really believe it's all in my head - the idea that I need to associate drinking with socializing. I most certainly do not want to discard friends that I have spent an adult lifetime with building a relationship with. I'm certain that if I tell these very dear friends that I have given up drinking they will understand (or pretend to understand at least). It's just that the idea of telling them I'm a failure because I can't control my drinking scares the bejesus out of me. I don't want them to think of me as a failure. Why do I feel this way?

Guess it's just time to grow up and face the facts.

[Topcat]

You're not a failure Cowboy - let's get that straight 1st thing. A failure wouldn't keep trying to quit and conquer this addiction. A failure would just accept it and keep right on drinking themselves to death and a failure would not bother with BE.

You're right, thinking that we need drink is all in the head. I've found that it is possible to socialise without it. I might not be the life and soul, but at least it's the real me and not a drunken fake that they see and friends seem to accept me. I did have to make new friends. All my previous acquaintances were very heavy drinkers/alcoholics themselves. I found that, when I stopped drinking, I really had nothing whatsoever in common with them anymore. A couple have remained friends though and I've made a few new ones who have never known me as anything but a non-drinker (I like saying that).

You say that your friends will probably understand any decision on your part to stop drinking so there really isn't a problem is there? Except there is - in your head. Is it that it's the thought of actually stopping that is frightening you rather than telling your friends that you have problem and need to stop? I know it scared the you know what out of me!

PS Mark and the Mods - I like it !

[Rebecca]

"Mark and the Mods," I like it too!

Cowboy, I can relate to everything you're saying, I have a few friends that I really can't admit that I have a problem because I don't want to seem weak or that something is wrong with me. I finally realized that these friends may have a problem too and may be feeling the same as me before I finally admitted it to myself. I also still find it hard to socialize without drinking sometimes, but I have definitely had a lot of good times sober when everyone else was drinking around me. I don't know how to explain how sometimes I do fine and other times I can't seem to get over it and don't think I can cope with a social situation without drinking. I think it has to do with how confident I feel at the time. I was also shy and used alcohol to cope with that, but once I quit drinking for awhile, I realized that since I've gotten older I'm not as shy as was when I started drinking as a teenager (which was painfully shy). It takes awhile to get over all of these types of issues, so don't worry, you're doing fine as long as you keep trying and working on it.

I wish you the best, take care. Thanks for suggesting this thread too.

[Sheila]

Cowboy and everyone, I so wish I had the time right now to write what I really want to say, but I'm still away in France on holiday with dodgy Internet access.
I could never imagine how I could have fun, let alone go on holiday, without booze, but it really is possible.

Cowboy, thank you for putting forward such a fantastic idea for a new thread

[Winker]

If I'm honest I looked forward to socialising more because of the drink than the people. It's taken a while to feel comfortable not drinking- It was more that I wanted to avoid being ill than looked forward to being sober that made me stop drinking, and stay that way so far, if that makes sense.

I am noticing now though that I have a better time sober than I ever did drunk. Its actually astounding me. I thought I needed to be drunk to have fun. The fun was in me, though and alcohol has always interfered with that fun side coming out I think. It was fun with a desperate edge before, maybe, that I don't have now. I've realised what a low boredom threshold I have. Now I'm not slowed down by alcohol I feel free- to talk about something or to someone else- get up and dance or go (home) as the mood takes me. I didn't have the confidence before but I have no little shameful secret now.

Unwinding with a cocktail? What just one? Ha. TBH a 20 min sleep and putting my feet up for the rest of the evening at 5pm sounds pretty good sometimes but I cant do that. Some days a slump in front of the TV later on and an early night is what's called for to unwind, for me. It's about learning different ways of relaxing, I guess

Fine wine with a meal? I thought I had more of a refined palate than some and appreciated a smooth or full bodied red de dah de dah. Actually, if I'm honest, they all smell pretty awful. I cannot say a fine wine ever enhanced the taste of food for me - I just liked getting drunk. Now its the food that's important, as well as the company and ambience. I definitely appreciate that more now, although it wouldn't have seemed that way at first. Now that the 'flatness' of not drinking is wearing off, it's not something I'm hankering after although I probably still need to put in a bit more practice with that.

I honestly feel it's much worse contemplating never having that 1 drink with its rosy hued pedestal as a concept than in practice with some distance behind you. I think maybe the acceptance of not drinking is coming now for me because of that.I don't worry about never again. It's stopped being a big deal because its no longer a habit.

As to alcohol being a coping mechanism- well it just anaethetises you until you face whatever you're avoiding really, I think, doesn't it. I think if we do have deeply rooted issues we do already know and maybe binning alcohol is a step towards facing up to them and getting happy? I do understand the fear of giving up though but I am honestly finding its not something I feel I have to justify anymore to anyone in any great degree, and its only been a year.

My OH (being male) says men enjoy getting drunk and taking the p*ss out of each other. I've seen them do it while they prop up the bar (too many times ). He says he would miss that too much. Not really something I identify with but I spose if he ever wanted to quit he would have to quit that too? Doesn't seem a great hardship to me but then I was never really into that so can't really empathise.

Sorry- probably all a bit random thoughts here but I'm getting seriously mithered to get tea on. A woman's work eh?

[Topcat]

Noticed that the other day, cannot stand the smell of the stuff - had to ask people to move the bottle in fact. Dint want any, just the goddam smell

You're so right there Wolfie. The smell is disgusting (as well as the taste). Find that with cigs. too. At first I used to stand behind smokers so I could get a whiff of their smoke. Now (9 years since quitting) I move away as I can't stand the stink. Same with the booze now too.

[PandaGirl]

Oh man, I can't stand the smell of cigarettes any more since I quit. My friend gave me a lift the other week, and she smokes in her car. I swear, I was nearly sick when she lit one up. Bleurgh.

I think I have become less social since I cut back on drinking. I actually have fairly little in common with a lot of my drinking friends now. I have got into sports and exercise, and I wish I had more friends locally that I could do those activities with. My OH will come mountain biking, but because he drinks a lot on weekends, and still smokes pot on weekends as well, it's hard to motivate him to get out of bed and do anything. He tends to just want to sleep until the afternoon. If I suggest doing something he might have to get up before midday for, he will pooh pooh it.

I'm going to join a local triathlon club in the hope of meeting more sporty people to do activities with. I just don't want to go to the pub and have drink after drink after drink any more. I don't see the point. My friends also don't have Crohn's disease and they don't understand what it's like for me after an alcohol binge, and therefore don't understand why I would want to say no to drinking.

I am not totally AF yet, but I have cut out the binge drinking, which was the thing I wanted to stop. Unfortunately, that's the one thing that seems to have made me fairly antisocial according to a few people.

[Topcat]

I am not totally AF yet, but I have cut out the binge drinking, which was the thing I wanted to stop. Unfortunately, that's the one thing that seems to have made me fairly antisocial according to a few people.

PG, I found that the so called friends who did not like me not drinking were the ones who, quite frankly, had a drink problem themselves. When I stopped, they had to confront their own excessive consumption.

Regarding your OH, what a terrible waste of a weekend. I used to to do the same though . The triathlon club sounds a great idea to me - good luck with it

[Givingitago]

My sister asked me to drink with her on her 40th birthday as she doesn't want party poopers. All things being well between now and then (couple of months' away) I won't. But where have we got to when drinkers can't enjoy themselves because somebody isn't drinking with them?

[Xenon]

I had to face the fact that I am what I am and people can take me or leave me - but this is me! I like me now and that is the first time I've been able to say that in decades.

I love this Topcat, it's exactly how I feel!! There is something real and genuine and honest about the way I feel sober. It's not always easy, but it's worth it!

[Xenon]

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck
Sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out
I am what I am

I am what I am

I am what I am
And what I am needs no excuses
I deal my own deck sometimes the aces sometimes the deuces
It's one life and there's no return and no deposit
One life so it's time to open up your closet
Life's not worth a dam till you can shout out
I am what I am

[Xenon]

Love this, reminds me of coming out as gay as a 17 year old lol

[Xenon]

You need some glitter and a puff of fairy dust lone wolf lol

[cowboy]

I hate that bloddy song

Never heard of it but agreed based on the lyrics.

[Xenon]

. How, it's Gloria Gaynor!

[cowboy]

I really want to add something of value but cant ( ). Tried three times but its just not happening. All i can say is that meals out, holidays - Its nice to be able to remeber them.

Hey Wolf. That was valuable. Short and sweet as well. Thanks for joining in with your comment amigo. Much appreciated. Cowboy.

[cowboy]

Us sheltered people like Pete Townshend better than Gloria Gaynor. At least this sheltered cowboy does.

I got a Gibson
Without a case
But I can't get that even tanned look on my face.
Ill fitting clothes
I blend in the crowd,
Fingers so clumsy
Voice too loud.

But I'm one.
I am one.
And I can see
That this is me,
And I will be,
You'll all see
I'm the one.

See. I'm having fun being sober with friends already and it's only 2 days.