Plan ahead, be aware of dangerous situations

[zelda]

Hi Fiz and firstly might i congratulate you on your incredible strength and willpower to get to ten months. I have seen that you have, like me, had wobbly moments, the difference being that you didn't wobble over and I did!
The problem is Fiz, that I know it is past, I know it is finished, but the scar feels so raw when i think about it. And at this time of year, I cannot help but think about it. The hurt is of course one thing, the actual fact that I no longer had any 'rights' concerning my children. I can tell you that since this happened, I have changed my attitude concerning fathers who want more visiting rights, and women who refuse to let them have access.
But it is the 'injustice' that i cannot seem to put to sleep. I did NOTHING wrong apart from leave a partner who was dominant, who controlled my every move and tried to control my every thought. I was an example of a mother, and did everything in the most traditional of ways. Then BOOM my world just collapsed. I think that this is also why I get my knickers in a twist about 'what people think of me'... To have that suspicion upon you that you MUST have done something seriously wrong to not have custody being a woman. In France, it is so traditional, and I was assured by everyone that i would get the kids. The shock of it, then the aftermath of rejection by parents of other children and friends of my husband and I, on top of the actual 'reality' of 'do as i say or i wont let you have them' was just unbearable. That 'look' of doubt in people's eyes when they ask you what happened. Even now, when we fill in papers for the children for school, and we have legal split custody, I feel "scared' if there is only one space for one 'legal guardian', as the whole thing comes rushing back into my mind. As a French man, and being in France, he always comes first on every paper. stupid to get upset about that, but it just makes me feel once again like 'everyone must still think I am a terrible mother' because of what happened. To have a four year old child clinging to you screaming i want to stay with mummy, and have her taken from your arms and the door closed in your face.... hardly surprising i suppose that I would go home and drink myself into oblivion.
But it is PAST now... so why does it still have such an effect of me. The only word i can use is that somewhere deep inside, I still feel so vulnerable. Yes i am a solid strong woman on the outside and have DONE all i had to do to change the situation, but that 'cut' still feels raw when I am forced to do anything which is related to it. TO renew the childrens ID cards i had to take the divorce papers to the council office and just getting them oout of the back of the cupboard made me feel sick and anxious.
I need to deal with this, but don't know how to. Maybe that is the key to my future as a non drinker. That feeling of 'I can't cope' be it work or whatever, is so similar to that feeling of 'helplessness' that I had back then and I will do anything to make it go away. Wow, I think in writing that I have just had a revelation!!
Anyway Fiz, thank you for your kind words, and keep goin yourself my dear, as you too have your own demons to face and I know it cant be easy.
Hugs from the heart,
Zelda

[fiz]

Zelda,
No the wonder this still hurts you so much, it was a terrible injustice done to you, I'm afraid it will probably never heal completely. But time will hopefully make it less painful. As for these people who judge you, it's easy for me or other people to say ignore them, so I don't say this lightly because it is bound to hurt, but the people judging you, they don't know you, they have spite in their hearts, put your nose in the air and don't listen to what they say. I am a big believer in what goes around comes around. From where I am, it looks, like you have gone through a terrible time one that has scarred you for life, but you fought for your family, you have worked hard. You have come through the other side of this terrible thing, stronger than before. This I think is all the more reason you should not drink, for your children and for yourself. I think your children and people who know you well must have a lot of respect for you, I certainly do.
I'm sorry that these people did this to you, your husband, the French legal system, don't let them carry on hurting you.

[fiz]

Hi Wiz,
I'm doing OK, thanks for asking. I'm at a wedding next week with quite a few of my old drinking buddies so a little bit apprehensive about it, although I am determined I am not going to drink, I know I will have a lot of pressure put on me. Ah well, just another challenge I guess.
How's you doing, you sound very positive at the moment, that's a good sign.

[zelda]

What does girding your loins mean?? Is it rude? It sounds it!

[Bela]

Kind of like protecting ur privates?

[zelda]

It just kind of sounded like you were asking me to wiggle my hips about like a stocky scotsman in a kilt Not really the type of thing I generally do when considering how to avoid a potential 'drink' situation... but hey,.... I could start a trend.... the 'feel like a drink, wiggle hips like stocky jock' brigade.
might just catch on..........

[zelda]

So here it is, 'the' day. Feel sick with anxiety. Want to weep but the tears are too deep inside. My man decided last night to get pissed and be horrid to me. Great timing. Poor me I quote.
Feel alone.
I know that of course they will come back, it is not like in the past, but that 'old' feeling of worrying about that just seems to come back? I don't understand why a memory seems so recent all of a sudden.
I am concentrating on keeping it together and am ready for the call from the bottle. It seems even at this early hour like a good option, but I am conscious that it is NOT a good idea.
Zelda v old habit.
ANy bets?

[smudge]

I'm betting on you too, Zelda.

[Bela]

Going to a bar with friends shortly. Not big drinkers, but they will order drinks. We will go elsewhere to eat, so not going to be there long. I am going to have mineral water. . . . but I am writing down this down here because I did have a couple of conversations with myself today about whether I could drink. The thought actually sort of scares me and then I remember that one or even two would leave me hanging. It all resolved itself in, no way I am going to give up my 13 months for a questionable act at best. So there!!!! I am not sure why the EAF was after me today, as I haven't had a visit for some time.

[tee]

Aw Bela you'll be fine my lovely I'm sure but it is reassuring to hear that we're ultimately all in the same boat, no matter how new or experienced we are in our fight with the EAF. Well done you for sticking to your guns and showing her where to get off. Enjoy your night! Better still, enjoy your morning tomorrow also!

[silvergirl]

hope you had a splendid and sober evening bela.

sgx

[Sandy]

Hi Bela
hope your night out went ok
Funny how just when we think it is safe to go into the water........
Went out with family last night, busy lively restaurant, great company,great laughs but my OH's glass of red sitting in front of me was sooooooooo tempting....could easily have joined him in having one.. or 6 knowing me...........why did that old temptation resurface so acutely after all this time?
have beeen thinking about it and can only relate it to having a very stressful and busy working week, rushing home last night from work, mind working overtime about what I didnt get done at work, what i still have to do at work.....work related stress that I would usually attack with a bottle or two of wine...proves I still have a lot of "work" to do on that part of my recovery
Going out to a restaurant again tonight so going to do some very self pleasing non stressful things for myself today, shopping,meet friends for coffee,just chill and relax, try to banish this wound up coil feeling of not enough hours in the day type of mindset...am going to relax and enjoy my day.
Then this evening enjoy my meal and x factor with my daughter who is home tonight from her new life at uni.
And I know she will not want to see a stressed out or wine drinking mum!!!!
Well thats my plan.... I want the EAF nowhere in sight today!
Sandy

[Bela]

I did fine. Water at the restaurant, altho I did have a look at huge margaritas across the isle. Then we adjourned to a nearby home and I turned down a couple of inquiries about whether I wanted a drink. By that time the waffling was long past. So I just said, no thanks, think I'll stick with water. Had a pleasant enough time. A drink would not have enhanced the evening at all and would have left me a bit bereft I am certain.

[Rebecca]

Well done, Bela, I knew you could do it!

I have a dangerous situation tonight, I'm going to a pre-opening of a new restaurant and everyone seems to be fired up about drinking. Some of my friends are staying in a hotel after, I already told them that won't be necessary for me. I thought I could get there first and order a Virgin Bloody...then I'll have a drink when they arrive and they may not ask me again about drinking for the rest of the night.

[Beverley]

Hi
Never noticed this thread before and it has brought it home to me that we are all in danger of falling off the wagon (for ever?).
Don't know why but I assumed that the longer one was sober the easier it got which I guess it does in a way but it will always be there. Lurking around. A sobering thought. Thanks for your comments.

Bev x

[tee]

Bev I was thinking the same, we do build up a picture of the mods as being infallible because they're always a good way into their sobriety, however they're just like us really

[2XS]

I have committed myself as chauffeur this Saturday to avoid being tempted to drink at a wedding.... many of my work colleagues will be attending and I intend to remain sober to avoid the embarrassment I caused myself last time I went out with this crowd on a work's away day.... ...after copious amounts of alcohol I went to sit on a small imaginary bar stool that wasn't there and subsequently fell backwards throwing my wine over a manager and myself.... as I laid in a heap on the floor the wine began trickling down my head and frightened the daylights out of on lookers on who thought I had split my head open and was bleeding profusely
.....the morale of this story is, look before you leap to professional suicide!!! ... and seriously consider sobriety at any work related events

[Yorkie]

Yes indeed, some wise words in the posts here...work always seems to orbit me into some other head space where I think that a drink when I finish for the day will be ok....some times it is, but often it is not. Im determined to lead a better quality of life - and the only way that I can do this is to grow past the glitches and hitches that have been happening for the last few years...I want something different from life, so, I'll have to do things differently - right?
I had 7 drink free years...that was nearly 5 years ago, but I can still remember those times..and how much better I felt about myself. I want to be that person again..growing and learning and being engaged in life - to the full.
Today, I've started making a list of things that I do in my life, and it's not a bad range; now, Im working on doing them (and enjoying doing them) without them being punctuated with alcohol at every available opportunity - from this, I intend to make a time table sort of thing and develop it further so as to have a good look at exactly what I do and where my time is spent...then further develop..
I have a plan for tomorrow when I've finished work; (danger time) Im going to come home, load up the dogs, and drive us somewhere to go for a good long walk...might even take a flask of tea.
thanks for listening to me ramble on...

[Bela]

Sounds like a great plan to me Yorkie, something to really look forward to.

[Yorkie]

Hi Bela, thanks for the encouragement:- things didn't exactly go to plan, but having the plan in place certainly gave focus for doing something other then drinking at the end of work....As it was raining so fiecerly, the dog walking didn't happen: the dogs had to make do with garden time instead of a walk, but they didn't mind...and were happy to get back in the house as soon as "buisiness" was done...I ended up having a cosy evening in with youngest son and dogs by the fire, looking at cars and watching telly and eating lovely food. - we were all very content.
Today, Im going to see a dear freind and we have plans to go the the beach. Autumn is such an amazing time of year - I love all the colours and the quietness it brings.
sending love to you for this day. Yorkie