Please post here if you are planning to drink.

[Japonica]

Lmc - so sorry you are feeling lost. It's a horrible place to be , I hope you find a foothold soon x

[ditzydee]

hi everyone im back drinking again have been non stop for the past week and iv made up my mind im going to drink tonight i want to stop on monday but i can't see much chance of that happening as mondays i get paid and that's a trigger for me.im now finding it so hard to stop and my depression symptoms are back

[RedTears]

Hi LMCB,
It happens to us all. Remember the key is to it is get back to not drinking ASAP. The longer you leave it the harder it is to stop - at least it is for me.

Chin up and keep trying

[Topcat]

Hi Ditzy, forgive me if this sounds harsh, but I read nothing in your post to suggest that you actually want to stop drinking. There are only reasons why you are going to carry on.

In order to stop, you have to put an awful lot of effort into it. It isn't just going to happen. If you get paid tomorrow you do not have to automatically drink do you? Your depression is probably back as a result of your drinking so stopping will no doubt solve that problem. You've made up your mind you are going to drink tonight. Why? Better still, why not make up your mind you are NOT going to drink tonight?

All I see is negatives Ditzy. What about turning it around to some positives?

[wilbers11]

hi everyone im back drinking again have been non stop for the past week and iv made up my mind im going to drink tonight i want to stop on monday but i can't see much chance of that happening as mondays i get paid and that's a trigger for me.im now finding it so hard to stop and my depression symptoms are back

Ditzydee - I agree with TC. Not drinking doesn't just happen - it takes courage, time, effort and alot of resolve. Its a scary prospect indeed, but what is the alternative? You will feel more depressed and there starts the cycle again. Not drinking isn't easy and its scary - but most things in life that are worth it require dedication, hard work and effort - I'm still very early days but the fog is beginning to lift. Why don't you give it a go?

[conna99]

I can't handle this life with out a drink.
Booze as ruined two marriages and lost jobs,here's the twist I am a counselor or was,my destiny is death.
I love booze when "Oliver Twist",but it is always in the mail next morning.

[ditzydee]

thank you topcat and wilbs i can see your point and your not being harsh just truthfull ,im feeling that my willpower is not the strongest right now, and while i do want to stop, i know it dos'nt happen just like that but for me, iv been able to do it when i find it to be a night i don't struggle much, and i suppose that's what im waiting for. it's gotten to the stage after drinking for the past week that every night i feel i just cant do it at the moement.i have never stuck it out if im not finding it easyish that,s obvisually something i have to address

[Jaxom]

Conna,you can. Yes it is scarey but it is doable. Put the drink down, walk away from it. Part of me wants to pick up and use but I am better than that and so are you. Nothing is going to make me drink again because I have a choice and I choose freedom. Now come on. Let's do this.

Dave

[zoe]

I can't handle this life with out a drink.
Booze as ruined two marriages and lost jobs,here's the twist I am a counselor or was,my destiny is death.
I love booze when "Oliver Twist",but it is always in the mail next morning.

Hello Cona and welcome to BrightEye, it's good to have you with us. Seems you've already lost a lot through drinking ... do you really want to lose more? My guess is no otherwise you wouldn't be here posting. If you've had training in counselling then you probably have great insight into how our minds can work on so many levels concurrently. So it becomes easier to understand how we can want to stay sober whilst also planning to drink ... how we can make firm resolutions one minute and yet stop at the off licence moments later. It's maddening to know so much about something and yet it isn't enough to stop us destroying ourselves is it?

I thought that if I could only work out WHY I was drinking then I'd be able to switch it off. Sounds simple and on the face of it quite logical too. It certainly appealed to my intelect and ego! Problem was that I didn't want to stop drinking per se ... I wanted to drink but without any of the consequences of my drinking. Pretty typical of the mindset I was in that I wanted to square the circle.

What helped me was learning the tools of staying sober for a day;
Throwing out all the booze on hand,
Making a list of activities to help distract me through the evenings (my usual drinking time)
Learning to urge surf (google this for more info)
Buying in loads of alcohol free drinks and treats
Reading and posting here on BrightEye
Rewarding myself with a treat or even a simple pat on the back for every sober day.

I won't kid you Conna, it isn't easy this, not any of it. But day by day you can reclaim your life. You can do this and this forum is a great place to start that process. Have a good look around while you;re here OK? Read widely and then just jump in and post wherever looks good.

And don't forget that any negative thoughts you may have that make all this seem utterly impossible are only evidence of a drinking problem ... not evidence that it can't be dealt with. xx Jos

[Kaz79]

Thanks Jos,

Had quite a bit over last few days so going to have to taper off for a few days, I was scared to go to sleep last night incase I didn't wake back up but I'm here and need to get more in control, fingers crossed, thanks for your support it means a lot x

[Tink]

Saw these posts and want to offer some support although it is hard for me to post on this phone so forgive me if sounds a bit like a text

It is hard at first because it is what we have done for so long and how we cope. We have to get new tools and new ways to cope and in time, if we work at it, we will prevail.
Often I see those who say " I cannot live without alcohol". This could not be further from the truth. If you look back you will see with alcohol we were not living . We were a slave. It lies. We can only begin to truly live when we break the chain of bondage with alcohol. Put a new voice in your mind that says " I think I can, I know I can, I will, I want to, and I am in control now not you alcohol!
I know how it looks in the start. I know how hard it is. I also know it can be done and we all have what we need inside to do it if we truly want it.
Ask yourself this...what does alcohol do for me ? Replace anything you think it does with something you really want . You deserve to be free, happy , and loved. Alcohol just stands in the way and keeps you chained .
Try . You have nothing to loose and everything to gain. One minute, one hour, and one day at a time. You will win your life back.
Shields up mates ,
Tink

[Clara.]

Saw these posts and want to offer some support although it is hard for me to post on this phone so forgive me if sounds a bit like a text

It is hard at first because it is what we have done for so long and how we cope. We have to get new tools and new ways to cope and in time, if we work at it, we will prevail.
Often I see those who say " I cannot live without alcohol". This could not be further from the truth. If you look back you will see with alcohol we were not living . We were a slave. It lies. We can only begin to truly live when we break the chain of bondage with alcohol. Put a new voice in your mind that says " I think I can, I know I can, I will, I want to, and I am in control now not you alcohol!
I know how it looks in the start. I know how hard it is. I also know it can be done and we all have what we need inside to do it if we truly want it.
Ask yourself this...what does alcohol do for me ? Replace anything you think it does with something you really want . You deserve to be free, happy , and loved. Alcohol just stands in the way and keeps you chained .
Try . You have nothing to loose and everything to gain. One minute, one hour, and one day at a time. You will win your life back.
Shields up mates ,
Tink

A very inspiring post, Tink, thank you. I am pretty sure I will not drink today and I know I do very much better without it in my life, but I was drinking a lot last week and I am going through a very rocky patch. I will hold on to your very practical and helpful words.

[tyrantspell]

Without doing the math (and my head seems to have little function at the moment), I think this is my 24th day. Not wishing to take anything from anyone, or sound arrogant, but I've managed 24 days numerous times -to me its no big deal. I'm a daily drinker often starting as soon as I wake up - who am I kidding, I drink 24/7 - its never out of my reach. I know that one drink will take me straight back to Ground Zero. For me, there is no control.

I'm really struggling. I'm sick to death of counting days and feeling like I'm in some sort of competition with myself. I would like to be in that place where I'm satisfied that I did not drink today - that's all - just to stop myself from counting minutes and days.

The sleep pattern is awful - I seem to spent ages willing myself the peace of sleep. The more I fight it, of course, the harder it gets. I must get some sleep, if I had a good night's sleep, I would feel so much better in the morning sort of thing. The harder one tries, the harder it becomes. I''m taking everything (herbal), doing all the things I should be doing and yet it alludes me. The cravings bring me to my knees. Sleep is the only thing that allows me to escape from the sheer misery of it. This is the hardest I've ever known it to be.

Yesterday - bit of a shock - DEXA scan for osteoporosis - result - yes I have it - thankfully, only in its early stages, but it is irreversible and can only get worse. One of the main causes - excessive drinking/smoking. I gave up smoking 3 years ago after a battle of many, many years. Today, I rarely think about cigarettes and yet once upon a time I would have thought nothing of getting up at 3 am in the morning, throwing a coat over my jimjams and driving around to see if any garages were open.

The consultant asked me how many units I drank per week. Ye Gods, I could have won an Oscar for my performance. When did I become such an artful liar? About 21 I reply - too many, he retorts. How the hell could I possibly tell him my tally is 150-200 units a week. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't admit to the fact that a seemingly intelligent ex professional woman could be such a low life fool.

I know I'm now at the stage of the "chronic alcoholic" and unless I'm successful this time, my prognosis is dire. In the last remnants of innocence I have, I still wonder how the hell did this happen. I tell myself that I was the least likely candidate for alcoholism. I still struggle daily with that conundrum.

At the moment, all I want to do is to get to the offy asap. To forget that I've now brought my health into real danger (and that's probably only the tip of the iceberg - Christ knows what else is going on inside me). I'm sick to death of this non-stop internal struggle. How insane is that? I'm told my future health is at risk and all I want to do is to get myself rat arsed to forget what I've done to myself and others around me.

I feel that as soon as I joined up to Bright Eye, all I've done is whinge and moan. Its all about me, me, me and the hard time I'm having. Others seem to be doing so well. Part of me cheers them on - go for it, well done you and part of me thinks why can't I find it easier than it is?

Not sure if I'll continue with the forum. I feel a failure (although I tell myself I'm not a failure - I will not feel a failure as long as I can keep that glass away from my mouth). I feel I'm bringing others down and I have no wish to do so. I'm physically tired and weary of it all. Sometimes I find myself thinking if I lived in the States and guns were readily available, I would have put a bullet in my brain years ago. Do myself a favour and do those I love an even greater one

Good luck guys. I wish you all every success.

Tyrantspell

[Topcat]

TS, it's a heck of a tough road the sobriety one and 24 days is brilliant. However (you knew that was coming) I certainly didn't develop a drink problem overnight and I'm sure you didn't either. I spent 30 years binge drinking my way through the wine vats and distilleries. What I'm saying is that it isn't going to go away overnight either. It takes time and patience TS and we have to learn to live in the real world the whole time (not easy). I used to reach for a bottle when I was happy, sad, annoyed, nervous, hungry, anxious, tired .... you name it I drank because of it. Stopping drinking is a heck of a battle, but it can be done. There are people on BE who are proof of that.

Not sure if I'll continue with the forum. I feel a failure (although I tell myself I'm not a failure - I will not feel a failure as long as I can keep that glass away from my mouth). I feel I'm bringing others down and I have no wish to do so.

I'm sure you are not bringing others down at all. BE is for everybody. Some manage better than others. Please feel free to post wherever and about whatever you like

Above all TS, please keep going because it is so worth it. When I finally stopped I was at the end of my tether. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. If I fancy a drink I remember how it made me REALLY feel.

Stick with it TS because you are worth it

[tyrantspell]

Thanks Topcat - you will never know (or perhaps you will, because someone, somewhere has done the same for you) how much your message meant. God, it so helped in a tight spot!

I can totally, totally identify with your comments about drinking on all occasions - happy, sad, rainy, sunny, good day, bad day, feel great, feel shit - whatever bloody day, I don't need a reason. I need an excuse and that, perhaps, is part of my real problem. I'm simply looking for any excuse that will justify to myself the need to pick up a glass. Well, I did it because ....... because............because. With me there's always a bloody because. Patience, unfortunately, has never been my middle name. I want everything NOW, TODAY, IMMEDIATELY. I'm a self centred cow at heart.

My arse is glued to this seat - reading, reading, reading. Trying to absorb the thoughts and feelings of others - what they've endured, what they think they will have to endure. I honestly don't kid myself that its an easy ride. I sometimes wish I'd never completed 6 months sober because its become a real benchmark in my mind. If only I could get 6 months sober again under my belt, I'd never try the stunt again of thinking I can handle one small glass. That's what I keep telling myself. Lose it, because its doing me no good to keep on harping on like that. I'm feeling stronger than I did an hour ago and that's what I find its all about. Yes, I'm going to count seconds, minutes, hours days, but as you rightly point out, this did not happen to me overnight so why do I think the Tooth Fairy is going to rush to my assistance. I'll continue crawling if that's what I must do because I want a life without alcohol so much it hurts.

Thanks for your kindness. It was a very weak moment for me. The need is not so great as it was. Sometimes, the best thing you can do with some days is pray they will end sometime soon. Today is one of them.

Regards

[jaxom5]

TS, please don't leave because you think you might bring others down. Lordy, the number of times I have read that or the similar 'I didn't post because.....'.

Submitting a 'down' post benefits others as well as yourself. You get support and everbody else struggling becomes even more aware that they are not alone. I know that if I am going through a bad patch and all I can read about is happy, upbeat posts it would make me feel worse. I certainly post my woes and the fantastic support really helps. In fact I have thanked people then asked if we could move to something else, there is so much support here

It is nice to read from time to time that somebody went AWOL for a while because they were feeling strong and getting on with their lives. That is good. To go AWOL when you are struggling - that is bad. So please don't even think about leaving or stopping posting. BE needs you and you need BE.

There, I broke a rule and told you what to do. Sorry.

Dave

[Topcat]

So glad to be of help TS. That's the great thing about BE. We all help each other when the need arises and it works

Knowledge helped me to get through the tough times. I don't think you can read/learn enough about alcohol and its problems. I would draw your attention to the PAWS THREAD if you haven't already checked it out. I found it invaluable when I quit.

[tyrantspell]

Thanks Dave

I hear what you're saying and I know you're right I just so don't want to do anyone any damage with my negative thoughts, but as you say, perhaps for others who are in the same spot as me it helps them to know their struggle is identified with anothers. I can't believe this totally off the wall pisshead could be of any use to anyone right now!

I'm so physically tired, the cravings are tearing me apart and my brain is all over the place, a kind of process of rewiring, fusing, trip switches going, I know I'm not in a good place, but its as it should be, my body is trying to recover from years of total abuse. Its all part of the process I guess.

I've got past my initial "weakness" - that out of the blue madness that screams in your brain - I want a drink and I want it NOW!! We alcoholics are such toddlers at heart - bring back a good old smacked arse is what I say. Its passed, but with huge thanks to you and Topcat for making me see sense and for anyone else who is thoughtful enough to answer a distress call.

Onwards and upwards - nothing losing so why don't I just have a nice cup of hot chocolate - even if it is only early afternoon and take off to bed and hope for an hour's nap. Even if I don't sleep, perhaps I can reflect on the very wise words I've absorbed in the past hour or so.

Sorry to be a pain. That's what BE is all about I know, but I find it so hard to "come clean" and lay my burden down Lord on other peeps.

[jali]

Tyrantspell I like reading your posts

[tyrantspell]

Oh Jali

Your message made me giggle and a good old belly laugh is just what I need at the moment! You like reading my posts!! What have I possibly got to say that anyone would be interested in hearing? Still, what a lovely, lovely sentiment to offer.

Still hanging on in there - I think AA call it white knuckling - tell me about it. I'm lucky I have any fingers left to cling on with.

Hope you're doing OK yourself. Its taken me a little while and a lot of heart ache and soul searching to "come out of the closet" with this forum. I'm so glad I've opened up - every word I hear, every little bit of advice that is offered gives me a breathing space of perhaps just a few minutes and that's all it takes at the moment to make me stop and analyse why I want to do this. To remind myself of that special piece of hell that I feel was exclusively reserved for me (not so, of course - just the way I'm feeling at the moment), but I so never want to be within its portals again. What a selfish, self pitying cow I'm being! I'm just waiting for the response that tells me to get off the ***cking pitty potty and get a grip and I wouldn't blame the sender in the least. Quite rightly said!!

Blisters are continuing to grow on the arse, but as long as I am here, I'm in a very safe place.

Take care and thank you.