Breaking the cycle/gaining traction

[tee]

That's amazing TC, I hope you are feeling very proud. It always amazes me how peeps like yourself who have been a long time sober still find the time to come on here and help others It must be very tempting at times to just turn your back on the whole subject. Thank you so much for sticking with us

Yes Im just back from a walk in the snow actually, not that I'd have contemplated it feeling as rough as I do had it not been for my daughter's school charity raising event, they all had little cardboard donkey's ears and we did 3 circuits of the park, very cute! I'm now home and child free for 2 hours. I had all these plans to get the last few items I need for christmas but what with the weather today and the obvious other I'm not setting foot in my car today, it can all wait. What are you up to today my lovely?

[Topcat]

Hope you're getting on OK Tee. I remain on here because it is what I like to do. I got fantastic help from this site when I needed it and I like to return the favour. I didn't join til last April, but I lurked long before that (yes I was that lurker in the shrubbery). When I got close to the year milestone and felt very wobbly (I'd got that far before and crash landed), I registered and started posting. So glad I did. I got to know some wonderful people and met a few too. It's a teriffic site and long may it continue.

A short drink history. I started drinking as I discovered (as a lot of others do) that I gained self confidence after a bit of Dutch courage. I was painfully shy and a drink helped to overcome that. A drink soon became a lot more though and what started out as a help turned into a hindrance. As a binge drinker I deluded myself for years that I didn't really have a problem. I could stop drinking whenever I liked couldn't I? Alcoholics drank all day/every day and sat on benches with bottles or cans. That wasn't me. What I conveniently chose to forget was that I could stop drinking - yes, but I couldn't stay stopped. Eventually the inevitable happened - the binges got longer and the gaps between them got shorter. I kept trying and trying to stop. Sometimes I managed a few months (and nearly a year once), but mostly I got to four weeks and crashed. Of course all that stopping and starting took its toll and I suffered a withdrawal seizure - still I didn't manage to stay stopped.

The turning point was finding this site and learning about PAWS. It explained a lot and I realised I wasn't weak willed at all. I got through the four weeks (not easy) and carried on - wow I was on a roll then. The lightbulb moment came (I don't know exactly when) but it suddenly hit me that I was not resentful that I couldn't drink, I was pleased to make the choice not to. It was my decision and I was happy with it (and still am). It was a complete about turn to how I'd felt on previous attempts to quit. I'd always felt intense resentment that I couldn't drink like "normal" people. This time, instead of "why me" I thought "why not me"?

If I hadn't kept on trying, I would never have made it. It is so worth it Tee

[tee]

OMG my lovely TC you had a withdrawal seizure? Are you OK now?

Thank you so much for your post, it is so inspirational to hear positve stories from successful quitters and I also am quite nosey and like to know a little about peeps backgrounds too

I SO get what you are saying about the resentment thing, that's usually me after a few weeks. I'm hoping this time however the lightbulb moment will have a lasting effect. Indeed I have confided in a drinking friend tonight that I want to stop and she's absolutely horrified, thinking I am completely overreacting etc however I am unmoveable at present. I really hope I have enough resolve to make it stay that way, I guess time will tell eh...

Did you find reading books about alcohol etc helped with the lightbulb moment or was it just a moment of inspiration that hit you?

[Jaxom]

I too struggled and failed many times with staying sober until one day it just clicked and everything I had read and taken on board just fell into place. It is hard to describe but I think itwas like I read about things first and all these facts got stored away in my head and my brain must have mulled them over deep down. One day I was just sitting thinking about not drinking again and then I FELT It all of a sudden. I KNEW I did not have to drink again. I could if I wanted to but instead of listening to my addiction voice I was listening to my real voice. I felt in charge again. That was not the end of it at all but it was the time when everything suddenly got a lot easier most of the time. Later on there were more but smaller lightbulb moments but nothing so big as Hey I don't have to do this drinking no more.

I could not make it click but just kept on trying and trying until it did. More than that I think you have to try to learn each time you lapse because getting drunk every few weeks or even months is still binge drinking and some experts say that is the most dangerous sort of drinking of all because you keep going through withdrawal. Is that kindling?

[Topcat]

Hi Jaxom, excellent post. Yes, it is a build up of knowledge that suddenly all falls into place at once rather than dribs and drabs. Everything I read and experienced plus counselling all came together in a kind of eureka moment. Not quite that simple of course, but that's the general idea. Basically, I stopped fighting it and accepted my lot. Alcoholism (or whatever you want to call it) is a potentially fatal problem, but it is preventable and it really isn't so bad once you get the hang on it.

Kindling is well worth reading up on. Withdrawal gets progressively worse the more you put your body through it.

http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/ ... /25-34.pdf

[Maddie]

Morning

I wasn't really sure where to post this, but I just wanted to get my rambling thoughts out in the open. This year, I've managed 5 months with no alcohol, and have felt really great but over the festive season I have been drinking - and at times to excess, which I'm not so proud about but I'm not going to beat myself up about. What I've noticed though is that I only drink to excess when I'm drinking alone, whereas when I'm in the company of others I drink very little or nothing at all.

When I look back at last Christmas, I drank very little and had nothing at all New Years Eve but there was a difference. I'd met someone new and thought he was The One. Turned out he was leading me up the garden path and well it was all a bit messy and left me feeling very muddled (that's putting it mildly). 2012 hasn't really been my year. Hmmm.

Deep down, I'm not a happy person though I hide this very well from friends and family and can put such a happy smile across my face that infact nobody is actually aware of the pain I feel inside. When I'm alone, that is when I'm vulnerable to drinking to excess. This has to change, and I want 2013 to be MY year.

I'm aware this is all about ME ME ME, but I have to start loving myself and taking better care of myself. So I've managed 5 months sober this year, and starting tomorrow I'm vowing to stop drinking alone at home. I'm planning on taking up hobbies that I used to enjoy doing - jigsaws, cross stitch, painting. I'm going to plan evenings where I invite people round to watch a film. I've had people over this last week, and I've really enjoyed it. I'm a very lonely person at times, so doing things with others really helps me. I just have to stop drinking alone. This week, I have drank alone a lot and I've got to the point now where I can't wait to start my new life. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work on Wednesday and getting back into a proper routine, because quite frankly I'm bored, which I think is another trigger for drinking alone.

This afternoon, I'm driving to my friends in Shropshire to celebrate the New Year. I will drink, but I know it won't be to excess, simply because I'll be in company and we'll be watching films and playing games. I'll feel happy, I'll have people to talk to and have a laugh with. Tomorrow is going to be the start of a better ME.

Thanks for reading - I know it's a bit of a ramble but in so many ways it helps just writing it down. Happy New Year! xxxx

[Sheila]

Ramble away Maddie You've been missed
I really hope 2013 will be a much better year for you

[Evie B]

Hi Maddie, my drinking patterns are similar to yours. I didn't drink for 6 months, prior to that most of my drinking was alone, it was a comfort and relieved the boredom. Like you I drink very little when I'm out and about, but hometime is my danger time. In the last few weeks I have had an occasional glass of wine, with a meal and with company and I feel OK about it. So far I have not drunk alone at home, for me that is 10 months, and in that time I've learnt about a lot of my triggers and improved my health. In fact I feel so good I really can't bear the thought of bingeing again, that at least is keeping away from drinking alone. I really do feel I'm getting there and realise how lucky I am. I feel my addiction is psychological and not physical, but pulled myself back from the very edge at the beginning of the year. I find it easy NOT to go out and buy wine. I can walk past all those wine bottles, but I know if I had a bottle at home it would disappear very quickly. Buying that bottle is the first step in my chain reaction, and it's an easy one to deal with now. Having one, at most two glasses of wine when I'm out is just fine too, but then there are other constraints and diversions at play here.
I'm so sure you will get to the place where you feel happy, you're heading in the right direction already!
Best Wishes and courage to you for 2013 Evie B

[Hereagain]

Maddie - I feel I could have written your post myself so no need to apologise - it helps to get those feelings written down to make sense of them. I have half-heartedly been on and off with drinking alone for a while now so can relate so well. In company wouldn't dream of consuming what I do at home but like you know that s because a deep sense of loneliness is my trigger. Problem is when we re drinking heavily it becomes self-perpetuating and feelings of worthliness and guilt make us withdraw and fuels that sense of isolation. You have inspired me to get back on the wagon and embark on a new challenge of sobriety.

Hope you had a great New Year with your friends and here s to 2013

[Maddie]

Thank you Hereagain, Evie and Sheila It's lovely reading all your comments, they are so encouraging and helps knowing I'm not talking a load of nonsense.

I had a great evening last night, and had a couple of glasses of wine and no more despite being offered more. That's how I am when I'm in the company of others though. Had I been at home alone and decided to drink, a whole bottle of wine would more than likely have been consumed and then I would be feeling dreadful about it this morning. Instead, I felt great this morning and enjoyed a lovely walk and fed the horses with my friend and her daughter. So a great start to the new year.

I'm back at work tomorrow, so back to a proper routine which always helps. I'm hoping the weekend won't be too difficult when I'm alone, but I've some decorating that's in need to doing so that should be a good distraction. My best friend and I have been making one or 2 social plans over the next few weeks so that gives me something to look forward to.

Have a great new year!!

[Sunny]

Hi to you Maddie , I'm sorry to read you have been feeling lonely and bored at times, and I agree these are big big drinking triggers. Being sober, or a moderate drinker, is OK for me when I am with others, but alone I will easily drink a bottle or two of wine in an evening. It's a habit and a mindset, and as we move along this road we become more aware of what truly matters to us, and what is detrimental to us. It's a bigger step to doing something about these things and changing our lives, but we are always progressing on our journey - that's why we use BE.

Take care of yourself my dear and I wish you happiness.

[Maddie]

Thanks SB You're so right, it is a habit and a mindset. I say it many many many times, that I have to stop isolating myself. It's a vicious cycle, that I'm not always aware of what is happening until it's happened. I get depressed and think that nobody likes me, so at the weekends instead of going out visiting I'll stay at home with not much to do, so by evening I'm pretty bored and lonely and so a glass of wine becomes my friend. Recently I've noticed I've not been going out for my usual regular walks at the weekend - again this has been about not wanting to bump into anyone I know because I worry about what people think of me. It's so silly really, and it seems even sillier reading what I've just written, but sometimes I just feel so invisible, even when I'm in a crowd. I'll be talking sometimes, and just sense that people switch off from me.

I'll be fine though, especially now I've made that connection that the problem with drinking is when I'm alone. So it's something really that I can deal with. I've never been physically dependent on alcohol, I've never suffered withdrawal symptoms or got in trouble with the law. I'm not abusive when I've had a drink, but I have noticed over the festive season when I have had a drink alone at home, that I have become very paranoid, particularly the following day.

I'm feeling positive though, because now I've made the connection I can change this forever.

[Rebecca]

Hi Maddie

I can relate to so much of what you're saying. I don't drink much when I'm around others either, but I can do some serious damage at home alone. The problem is, I can have a few drinks out with friends and be fine, but it usually triggers me to go get some more and continue at home. So, for me the answer is alcohol free for 2013.

I get bored too, it's a major trigger for me, and I feel I've been isolated a lot this year, I don't see my regular friends much anymore since I have a baby, I feel like they think I'm boring now.

I want a better year in 2013 too, I want to make some major changes and start living life to the fullest again!

We can do it!

[Chinagirl]

Hi Maddie
Don't think we've met before. Hi!
So related to what you said about isolating yourself and then convincing yourself that noone likes you. I do this all the time. In fact I know that I almost sabotage friendships because I tell myself that the other person/people is probably breathing a sigh of relief not to have to spend time with me and likewise I avoid social situations and if I do go I always feel slightly separate. Yet on the surface no one would guess what I am feeling.
So much easier to stay home with my friend sauvignon blanc....lol
Sorry not offering you much constructive help, just wanted to empathise.
The most important thong is that we recognise this destructive pattern and start to cherish and appreciate ourselves. In 2013 I am not going to let my low self esteem/alcohol rule/ruin my life.
Chinagirl x

[Rollercoaster]

I'm feeling very alone at present and deep inside I feel I am crying all the time. A swell of sadness is never far away at the moment. I totally understand drinking alone. I am not sure where life is heading at the moment. I'm searching for something as I feel I haven't found home, I can't explain it really. I'm in a relationship that I so desperately want to get out of, but not very easy at present because my animals are at stake. I so want to start a new chapter without him. The strain of just living with him, when you know its over, it's OVER!! When the magic has gone, it cannot be brought back! I have thought of house sitters to look after my dogs when I need to return to the UK for work purposes. But have to be careful, who one has to stay! But at least I am not drinking but I feel so blue. Not sure whether it's the withdrawl or the predicament I am in or both! Just thinking about him makes me irritated and he's a trigger! Sorry to ramble on, but the more I become sober the picture becomes more clearer, I know it's him which is effecting my present state of mind. It will change, I know and I suppose I will have to grin and bear it. Hope everyone is feeling alright and takecare of yourselves.

Since the couple of binges, I am finding it really hard to regroup and relate, maybe it's just me, probably me!

RC

[persistence]

Rollercoaster, I have read a couple of your posts lately and probably should of posted to you before now, yes it can feel like no one gives a crap on here but in reality everyone does but sometimes our posts get missed and we can feel lonesome when we need help.. The relationship thing is awkward I have a marriage which I relate to as "living alone but together" it's very lonely, he also encourages me to drink with him which i hate and resent but i get so confused im waiting until im further down the AF line before i make any drastic change. I don't know how long you have been in your relationship but I know the pain of what you are going through. Please think very hard before making any final decisions especially while you are going through giving up alcohol aswell.

P xxx

[freedom1]

Rollercoaster

I've only just reappeared here, so don't know your full story, but can feel your pain and loneliness oozing from your post.

I've just returned from extended travelling (post divorce and cancer treatment) and loved and lost three animals enroute (fortunately I didn't lose a relationship as well(that went before I set off!)). So I know well that sense of feeling lost, being estranged or "not at home".

When things are not going well and you're away from home.. whether home is a physical place where you came from, or a spiritual sense of being at home,... it can be a horrible feeling, definitely like being in exile. Its so difficult to maintain equilibrium, and keep away from that dreaded drug which seems to numb those painful feelings.

Are you from the Uk? If you ended the relationship (and if its not working.. why not end the relationship?) what would you lose? Could you not come back here with your animals?

anyway.. sending you some cyber love

Carol aka Freedom

[Rollercoaster]

Thanks persistence and freedom 1 so pleased you understand how I am feeling. I have got to be grateful for alot of things and I realise early stages of being AF is not very easy. I am looking at my options, being careful not to jump into anything I might regret. All I know is, each day I stay off the drink, the stronger and more determined I will be come to regain my freedom with my dogs. I am so much happier and lighter when I am away from him.
Must go as I am working.
Once again thankyou so much
RC

[Booby]

I have read and read and read the threads looking for some shiny bit to draw my magpie mind and stop me drinking.I am drinking a lot less than I was but the urge to just keep drinking is intense/normal. I lack the motive to stop. Maybe the motive is a huge medical full stop that may come too late.
How do you balance the will, the wish, the urge, the stupidity. When you lack the will what do you do? I know drinking is slowly killing me, its trashing me, it is the most imbecilic habit and the most selfish and most self absorbed, selfish and nasty.
So without a reason other than some vague "I should" what motivates sobriety? I had not a clue where to post this and did not want some trite response, which sounds ungrateful, sorry.

[roledog33]

Booby,
I believe motivation is different for different people, depending on circumstances. The most common one is the one you said....it's slowly killing me. We all know that excessive drinking is bad for all of us. You could use that factor as a starting point. The best I can do right now is to tell you some of the things that motivate me to stop drinking.

1. Wife and children. My wife's father died from excessive drinking and smoking. My wife told me once that she did not want to go through with that again with me.

2. Physical fitness. I have a fitness goal I want to achieve. When I drink, I'm too hungover the next day to work out.

3. Money. I was spending close to $100/week on alcohol. That didn't count what I was spending if we went out to the club that night. So, now I'm saving money.

These are just three motivating factors for me. I'm sure others have more and/or different factors.

I hope this helps.

All the best,
roledog33