Breaking the cycle/gaining traction

[Topcat]

Know what you mean Booby and I wish I could send you the magic formula. I can't, but I can say without a doubt that it does exist. I was a binge drinker of mammoth proportions (4 bottles of wine or one of vodka a day in full guzzle). I was going round and round in a stop/start cycle. The binges were getting longer and the gaps between were getting shorter. I had to stop. I had the willpower because I kept trying, but I just kept on going back to the drink. Four weeks was the usual limit. When I got to that stage I hit a brick wall head on and crashed.

The last time I set out thinking it would be no different, but it was. I'd read everything and anything I could on the subject of alcohol and alcohol problems on the understanding that forewarned was forearmed. I managed to get through 4 weeks (hellish, but I did it). That set me off on a roll and I carried on. Gradually things started to take shape and my mind set changed. I no longer felt deprived and resentful as a result of not drinking. I felt relieved and FREE. I knew I could drink if I wanted to, but I was CHOOSING not to.

That is the difference I have found. I'm not longer fighting drink, but choosing not to have it in my life. I genuinely do not want it now. I don't like the taste and never did. All I ever wanted was the effect (oblivion).

If I hadn't kept on trying to quit, I would never have finally found that lightbulb moment. It really does exist Booby. Never give up on giving up

[Rollercoaster]

Hello Booby all I can say is you will know when or if you want to stop. There comes a time in ones' life or a cross roads, a decision has to be made. Maybe your not ready to give up just yet? The thing is is not to put pressure on yourself or even condemn yourself! We all punish and loath ourselves ourselves, but maybe this is the spur one needs to quit drinking. When we start thinking about whether or not we might be drinking too much, this is natures way of telling you something! The warning signs are there and the body is trying to tell you! But our ego gets the better of us and we ignore the signals! Unfortunately it takes an incident or reaching the lowest ebb in ones life to pull back from the black void of destruction, not all make it, but alot do! I had to reach the bottom and in my pathetic somewhat sick way I felt I had not quite got there, fortunately my head started to rule and take strong measures to stop me sinking deeper until I reached death because that was where I was heading! I still have the conflicts with myself, why I can't or won't have that drink but at least being AF at present is allowing my poor brain to relax and rationalise with itself, realising the consequences and no doubt shame and embarrassment if I have another drink! But I still cannot say I never will, that feels like a prison sentence and real commitment!
Something extroadinary is happening to me at present but, I am really enjoying being AF, infact it's giving me a HIGH!! Can't believe I would ever feel or say this in a million years! But it's true, I feel i'm on this voyage to an unknown place and every twist and turn I take, I am learning more about myself and life around me, how weird is that! In the middle of the night, I wake and say to myself thank goodness I didn't drink last night, it's wonderful not to have a hangover and I turn and stretch in bed smiling to myself and then drift back into a peaceful slumber. When one starts to think about not drinking in the early days, the mind and body hit their panic stations sending chaos to every part of itself. The determination meets rebelious, conflicting attitude which starts a whirlwind of anger, depression, sadness and lonliness. But this is all a normal way to the recovery process, if we didn't have this turbulent emotional crisis, we would not heal and regain our once happy lives. This game is tailormade and very unique to every individual who is suffering (because it is suffering and pain) with alcohol addiction or whatever you want to call it. It's a bastard and all I can say is it will WIN if you allow it too. I would like to think you will be one of the happy survivors who gone on to live a fulfilling, optimistic life! It's up to you and you must find the right path for YOU and you could start by hanging around here on BE because these people are amazing and will guide you towards your goal whatever that may be.

Take care of yourself.
RC

[Booby]

Thank you. Again things to ponder. I am just in a strange place where the answers are there and I am fully aware of them, all of them, sobriety has often been a result of knowing them. This time just feels, for the want of being able to explain it, "pointless".
Maybe it is time for me to stop just because. Maybe I have run out of reasons or just worn them out with my failings. I find reasons to drink so the balance has to be reasons to stop. The simple simplicity of doing something just because.

I watched Avatar the other night, nearly adopted the name, but the Blue Footed Booby had me at its first ritual mating dance.
I saw the chap trapped in his life, his wheelchair, then off he went and just became another for all the wrong reasons. It all sounds totally bizarre to explain my thoughts on this but he then changed his reasons as the film progressed. I suppose in trying to understand the difference in his two lives and the motives driving each became fluid and changing. Do I need to overcook it or just stop, do I need to read the SOS thread to realise why I should stop.

Maybe change is enough in itself, altered state is enough. Is simplification of the whole more palatable? To stop prevaricating and just be. Easier said than done but this constant battle of will with myself is wearisome. The reasons are as jaded as the excuses.

Sorry for my ramblings, thank you for the responses, made a lot of sense.

[Rollercoaster]

Booby it seems to me you are low at present, maybe depressed? We have this type of attitude when we are down, why bother, whats the point, do I want to stop drinking and why? All these questions floating around. Maybe you have low self worth and don't feel you are entitled to happiness and contentment? Well you do! Alcohol (as you probably know) is very clever, deceiving and pretends to be your friend, when in actual fact it destroys or screws up all your rational thoughts and feelings! You become paranoid and become resentful and lonely and you start to turn inwards.
You know all the answers because you've read up on all the cons about drinking excessively and no doubt the outcome. I really don't think you want to go down that route! Do you really want to end up with just you and the bottle? I can honestly say, I am feeling alot happier and more relaxed without the drink, but that doesn't say I don't miss it because I do, but I can't drink safely, I will just binge, I'm an emotional drinker when pressure builds up or a personal upset I will drink excessively. When I am happy I tend to drink less because I am enjoying the occasion and don't want to ruin it for myself and for others. Alcohol is making you think like this at present and I feel you are at the crossroads? What kind of drinker are you Booby and why do you drink? You have to delve deep and really find out how you tick and that can take a life time! I have had a self destruct button for years and enjoyed living life to the edge! What it came to was I didn't like myself and had low self esteem and worth. I still have a battle with this now! I am an insecure person and most of us are and have since childhood wanted to be excepted by others, hence the drinking started to give me confidence!
You have landed here for a reason and I can understand how you feel when you say whatever I do it won't change things on how I feel or what I do. I don't think you are ready to give up the alcohol because your mind is weighing the pros and cons, maybe you haven't reached rock bottom yet? One can become to wrapped up in there little bubble and instead of popping it, you remain in a floaty, non existant space in your head! The alcohol is desensitising ( can't spell it) your thought patterns and processes resulting in this frame of mind! I've been there and the cloud or bubble is beginning to lift and I am seeing the real world without the fog!
Take care,
RC

[Booby]

Thank you Rollercoaster, I feel that my on and off drinking is littered with too many thoughts. Too much analysis, too much reason finding or conversely too much excuse finding. Hence my tiredness of the whole process. To be able to switch those babblings off and just be. A friend of mine has this capacity, his mind is like a switch. He does not torment himself with thoughts he cannot do anything about, he does not worry himself about the absurd.
Now I know I cannot become this person in my thought management but therein lies the issue.
I believe after my constant battles and self torment and continued drinking on and off that maybe I need to stop being so self obsessed and just stop drinking. Become my own avatar in a sense.

Depressed, probably, weary definitely.

I hope you continue to grow and blossom, it is good to see success.

[Rollercoaster]

Until you give make that decision on whats right or wrong in your life, you will continue to battle wth yourself. Letting go is walking to freedom and some people suggest ' The light bulb moment' when everything falls into place and you see everything in the broad day light! Your not happy at the moment, wo why not give it ago, don't drink for a few months and then re evaluate your thoughts, views and decisions concerning your life with alcohol, you've got nothing to loose, but gain because your giving that poor tired mind and body a rest. Once you get over the early days, you will become more relaxed and your mind won't be whizzing and racing all over the place, infact it slows down to a calmer pace and allows thoughts to be more rational. You see at the moment you aren't the real you! You are being masked by alcohol, it's keeping the real you from surfacing and that is so sad
If you give it ago, you will feel rough at first, mentally and physically, it's all part of the recovery process! NO PAIN, NO GAIN!
Take care of yourself and I'm always here if you want to talk
RC

[Sandy]

Bumped for DD

[Maddie]

I'm trying my hardest to break the cycle of drinking alone on a Friday and Saturday evening. I've had success this weekend, now lets see if I succeed next weekend. I'm OK drinking with friends, I'm actually quite controlled really, but my danger point is the secret drinking alone at home. More often than not it's a bottle of wine on a Friday and Saturday evening. I need to change my routine and incorporate new interests, which is so easy to say than is done. But all I can do is try and keep on trying.

[farthing]

Wow such brilliant posts here. Really want to know if you cracked it Booby and Maddie? Loved topcat and rollercoaster's posts. Felt so similar to my experience. Lovely to get to the stage when you don't even physically fancy it any more, though never thought that was a genuine possibility. This drug has kept me fooled for 20 years that I need, want, desire, enjoy it. Now I know that I was being fooled. It's the feeling of the atheist opening his eyes after death to the smiling face of God!
Xx

[AgnesGrey]

Inspirational posts - I remember when I first tried to stop drinking, I came to read here often. And yet here I come yet again...

I've had relapses before, and I wish all I had to do this time is dust myself off, get up and walk. I can't - my relapse has been far too serious (2 months) and I have some genuinely serious problems to cope with. in short, I have no idea what to do this time. I used to be able to at least pretend to be optimistic, but now I'm almost completely hopeless. I just don't know what to do.

[zoe]

When things feel totally overwhelming, and particularly when I'm in a very negative mind-set because of feeling overwhelmed I find it useful to break things down into quite simplistic terms.

If I have a major problem then in all likelihood drinking will make matters worse because I will not be able to think it through due to muzzy head/thoughts, and I will feel worse within myself and about myself which will impact my ability to deal with whatever it is I'm facing.

Therefore I need to focus in the very immediate term on getting/staying sober whilst also taking steps to work through the difficulties I am faced with. By getting / staying sober I maximise my chances of finding the optimal or in some cases the 'least worst' options ... and I give myself the best chances of being able to move my life forward rather than staying stuck in the overwhelming situation.

Sounds quite simple but I know how hard it is when you're feeling totally up against it. Maybe try writing it out and looking at it? Sometimes when my head is all over the place writing things out can force a level of clarity that just thinking doesn't seem to provide.

Hope things get easier for you Agnes. xx Jos

[Topcat]

I've had relapses before, and I wish all I had to do this time is dust myself off, get up and walk. I can't - my relapse has been far too serious (2 months) and I have some genuinely serious problems to cope with.

Been there Agnes and know what you're going through. I felt like a hamster on her wheel, going round and round, except I couldn't reach the rungs and kept floundering around. My relapses got closer together and lasted longer and longer (3 months was the last one).

What to do? Very wise words from Jos as the first priority has to be quitting the drink. All the problems will not go away when you 're sober, but you will be able to think through them with a clear head. Not easy though is it Agnes, your feet won't get to grips with those rungs? Tiny little steps I found to be the answer, 5 minutes without a drink is an achievement and something to build on. I didn't think of stopping forever, I stopped in the present "won't have a drink right now, maybe later." It didn't work every time (I'm not superwoman), but I gradually built up the momentum and finally cracked it. You can too Agnes. Just give it another go. What have you got to lose? We'll all help you in every way we can

[AgnesGrey]

Therefore I need to focus in the very immediate term on getting/staying sober whilst also taking steps to work through the difficulties I am faced with. By getting / staying sober I maximise my chances of finding the optimal or in some cases the 'least worst' options ... and I give myself the best chances of being able to move my life forward rather than staying stuck in the overwhelming situation.

Thank you so much, Jos. You've hit the nail on the head I think - being sober won't solve all my problems but not getting sober will make them absolutely hopeless. I'll get my priorities straight and focus on getting sober.

Tiny little steps I found to be the answer, 5 minutes without a drink is an achievement and something to build on. I didn't think of stopping forever, I stopped in the present "won't have a drink right now, maybe later." It didn't work every time (I'm not superwoman), but I gradually built up the momentum and finally cracked it. You can too Agnes. Just give it another go. What have you got to lose? We'll all help you in every way we can

Thank you for your kind words, Topcat. I can do 5 minutes - I think... This defeatist, down-and-out mindset is the worst. I know drinking triggers depression, and I'm vulnerable in that department, my current situation would make anyone depressed, why make it worse?

Again, many thanks for your generous help, Jos and Topcat, I owe a lot to the people of BE. I'll try to be a bit more cheerful from now on.

[thewho]

hiya agnes,
Glad you came back, even if due to a relapse.... Hows things today? Am I right in thinking you're in Canada or something, or moved cos of work?

thewho