How to say no to a drink

[Suzy77]

Hi Lel,

your story happens all the time.... I guess people think you want them to stop if you stop and feel judged .....

So, good for you!

I haven't been able to say no so much lately but at least I have completely stopped drinking at home. I did 3 weeks completely sober beginning of march and now I only need to figure out how to deal with social events and especially work events.......

Have a great week & keep it up

suzy

[puppy1978]

Just found this and HAD to bump it up because this was totally what i was going through today. I'd love to have the balls just to say "no thanks, i'm a recovering alcoholic". But i'm really loving the "i've stopped drinking because my life is better without it", i'd definately use that one

[Oldenough2knowbetter]

I find saying what I want rather than what I don't want works well so, to a general "will you have a drink?" "Oh yes, have you got tea/coffee...(insert your own choice?" To "are you having a beer?" Again, stating what I want instead works for me.

I've used this "tactic" too Ragnar. People generally persist less if they don't feel we're denying ourselves:

"Glass of wine, oe?"

"Thanks but [insert reason/excuse]" generally gets "Oh go on, one won't hurt"

whereas

"Thanks but what I really fancy is a coke" generally gets me a coke and no hard sell:D

xx

[George]

I'm still using the line that I started with. When I'm offered a drink and ask for a coke or a coffee, whatever and there is a reply that is often rude and insulting, I say to them "I don't take alcohol, I'm an alcoholic like you." The problem doesn't occur again from the same person.

The best bit is the fact that I have more friends now, which I think is great. I look back and from what memory I have of the years spent with drink, I can certainly understand why.

[Gnasher]

Hi,I'm a new member,just thought I'd say hi and I do need help/advice?! xXx

[40percentproof]

That's a broad question.

Have a read round on here and then maybe come back to it.

Most people I know are aware of my problems, I just bloody well told them, look I can't do this any more, I have this addiction and I am an alcoholic, one drink causes problems, I can't stop.

I am not advocating that for everyone, just sharing what I did.

Health reasons usually works well as a reason to say no.

[40percentproof]

Or "you wouldn't like me when i'm drunk" has never elicited anyone asking why.

I found opening up to people worked tho what I do find is that people ask me if I mind them drinking or does it bother me or saying "I will just have a coke if that makes you feel better"

For now I just stay away from drinking environments as the temptation could still lure me back in

[Winker]

I had a bit of an awkward situation just recently visiting some rellys on hubby's side I'd only met once before.
I'd had a cup of tea then turned down another drink offer (feeling a bit awkward) then was asked (kind of sympathetically ) 'Don't you drink?'

Well that was my cue but I felt quite embarrassed mumbling 'er no I don't really - I know it's really boring......' and wished I could have felt comfortable saying no thanks I don't drink right at the outset. But then why should I have felt I needed to? It's quite normal to not want a drink isn't it without having to make an excuse? Or is it?

It's just that sometimes you don't want to have to come out and say it do you- feels a bit kind of making a statement when I just wanted to sidestep that. I just wanted to say no thanks and leave it at that.

They were gagging of course, which is maybe why they were pressing me.

They were perfect hosts and didn't ask any more, and I didn't volunteer, but yeh- still feels a bit awkward refusing even though it didn't bother me they were drinking and I wasn't.

Funny- they did take pains to tell me how they drink much less than they used to but I didn't want to go there. Perhaps I will one day. Its not something I'd want to discuss with people I don't know well at the moment and makes me feel a bit resentful our society makes you feel conspicuous for not drinking when it should be the other way round shouldn't it? Or should it? Why do we feel we have to make an excuse or feel defensive for not drinking? It's our custom and society at fault really isn't it?

[bonny-kat]

I had a bit of an awkward situation just recently visiting some rellys on hubby's side I'd only met once before.
I'd had a cup of tea then turned down another drink offer (feeling a bit awkward) then was asked (kind of sympathetically ) 'Don't you drink?'

Well that was my cue but I felt quite embarrassed mumbling 'er no I don't really - I know it's really boring......' and wished I could have felt comfortable saying no thanks I don't drink right at the outset. But then why should I have felt I needed to? It's quite normal to not want a drink isn't it without having to make an excuse? Or is it?

It's just that sometimes you don't want to have to come out and say it do you- feels a bit kind of making a statement when I just wanted to sidestep that. I just wanted to say no thanks and leave it at that.

They were gagging of course, which is maybe why they were pressing me.

Winker,

I would go with "Nah, makes me sleepy" or something like that. Just an "I'm not interested" response. You don't have to explain - and interesting they needed to explain they didn't drink that much now.... Kudos to you for staying AF during that event.

They were perfect hosts and didn't ask any more, and I didn't volunteer, but yeh- still feels a bit awkward refusing even though it didn't bother me they were drinking and I wasn't.

Funny- they did take pains to tell me how they drink much less than they used to but I didn't want to go there. Perhaps I will one day. Its not something I'd want to discuss with people I don't know well at the moment and makes me feel a bit resentful our society makes you feel conspicuous for not drinking when it should be the other way round shouldn't it? Or should it? Why do we feel we have to make an excuse or feel defensive for not drinking? It's our custom and society at fault really isn't it?

[zoe]

Hi Winker

Sometimes I think this resentment is just in my head ... like I shouldn't be made to feel this way about my non-drinking status. And then I think about it, and in the UK at least the "norm" in most of the adult population is to drink some alcohol from time to time. That's just the way it is. Can I change it? No. Can I control it? No. So ... what other options do I have? I can seethe with resentment or I can look at why I feel that way to see if there's anything I can do to change my perspective.

I guess where I'm coming from on this is that my feelings about my non-drinking are a product of how I perceive other's perception of it. All a very roundabout way of saying that perhaps I am too worried about what others think of me. If I say I don't drink I am not saying "you shouldn't either" but sometimes I get the impression that this is how it comes across because of the way others respond. But it isn't my business whether they drink or not, my only concern is to stay sober myself because I have a drinking problem. In all probability they don't.

BUT ... the thing is this ... others too are often very concerned about how WE perceive THEM. So when they talk about how moderate their drinking is they might be trying to find common ground with us rather than trying to make us feel bad. The fact that we feel resentment is because we choose to. Gosh, how long did it take me to get to the point of realising how much choice I have over how I feel about stuff? Years and years. I am one of life's slow learners that's for sure. xx Jos

[Winker]

Thanks guys- that's made things much clearer for me

I suppose I'm caught between being inwardly so relieved and happy I'm not feeling alcohol dependent psychologically anymore (and wanting to keep it that way ) but still needing to come to terms with, as you so rightly say Zoe, not being in the majority 'norm' of society by not drinking at all.

It's not a great cross to bear really, is it, in fact it feels like being free and light most of the time and I couldn't work out why I felt so wrong footed, refusing a drink again, now that most people I see socially know I don't drink.

I think now if a similar situation were to arise again and an alcoholic drink was being pressed by lovely people I didn't want to offend I would just say (hopefully graciously!) 'thanks I don't but please don't let me stop you' or something. Then I could just talk about it making me tired and headachy now I'm getting older etc. if required, rather than feeling like a gauche teenager and refusing to talk about the subject altogether . As you say, that would be common ground for most people and would relieve the awkwardness.

[little acorn]

Mr Mouse - I'm so glad you re-posted the little ditty about the guy who was offered a drink! Absolutely love it! Coke it is then!!

When I'm out and not wanting to drink, the first thing I do is think about what it is I do want to drink so that I've got it all planned in my head first. So, can I get you a drink? becomes yes, please could I have a lime and soda. oh, aren't you going to have a wine or something? No, thank you, I'm trying to cut down, is my line and people are usually good about.

Someone at a house party said to me, you're not having any drink then? I said I thought I drank too much in the week and was trying to cut it down. A big discussion on drinking was had and it's amazing by just offering a little something up, the information or advice you get back. That's if you're up for talking about it of course.

Someone on BE said, I just say I'm giving it up and then she said it's amazing how many people think out loud and say things like, oh yes, you know that's something I should really be doing too - and then what you get is looks of admiration for ACTUALLY being the one that is doing it.

[perky]

HI,
My response is "no thanks, I'm cleaning up my act"

[naomi7]

I'm going to a party tomorrow and I've come up with an excuse (probably been used before) "No Tar, I'm on a diet, detoxing". Will post the responses to that one, although I can anticipate a few.

[SunriseTime]

Interesting thread, worth bumping up.

I have used one off's
- I am on antibiotics for ear infection.
- My car is at the station car park and the police have been spot checking

Week 2 day 2

[koalaBear]

I've simply be saying no thank you to alcohol and leaving it there. Apart from my parents, nobody has actually asked why i'm not drinking which has really surprised me.

I guess an explanation isn't always necessary, just saying no can be enough

[Topcat]

I found the only ones who noticed me not drinking (and tried to force feed me alcohol) were the heavy drinkers with a problem themselves. Others really do not notice or care what you are drinking. It's suprising when you look round how many others are on soft drinks for various reasons. It really is no big deal.

[koalaBear]

I found the only ones who noticed me not drinking (and tried to force feed me alcohol) were the heavy drinkers with a problem themselves.

That's so true TC. I know when i was drinking I felt incredibly uncomfortable around teetotalers, resentful even. I would look at them as a fly in the ointment of a good nigh out, awful attitude to have.

[vladimirvp87]

It's not what goes into the mouth of a man that destroys him, it is what comes out of the mouth. When your heart becomes pure, it will cleanse everything else. Anger, Frustration, Fighting, Depression, Anxiety and etc is all just a heart issue. Your drinking problem is just a way for you to cope with all of the things I just mentioned. People are destroyed because of lack of knowledge. You are a free man, you just don't know it yet. When you realize this truth, it will set you free once and for all. You have to put away this old alcoholic identity that you once had and stop waking up in the morning trying not to drink. You will never be free if you live like that. Put on the new identity of a free man and shift your emotions on seeking God. First seek the kingdom of God and everything else will be added to you. What do you have to lose? In bible it says, if you seek Me in private, I will reward you in public. Bring this issue to God in private. Talk to Him. Be real. Open your heart and cry out to him. Pray and watch! Your life will be so different. Man He is soooooo freaking real! I've seen people get delivered from alcoholism. I come from Ukraine. My father was an alcoholic for 20 some years in USSR. He got to know God and was delivered instantly!

[slingy2]

moderator can you get rid of that last message wher i slagged off the obvious advertising post please