Thought exercise: What if you could never drink alone?

[Isobelle]

If I could never drink alone, I would never drink. Simple. I have messed up, was sober for over 3 months and then just went berserk and haven't stopped since. I'm so mad at myself because I felt so good when I was sober. I have the perfect life, great partner, my own business, a good kid, lovely parents, friends. I have no idea why I feel that I must drink. The only times I drink are when I am alone, and have been that way for many years.

I have done a lot of thinking this week, along with feeling really quite ill I am wondering what the hell to do. I tried AA, I went to CAN for counselling, I paid for private counselling. I enjoy myself when I go out and don't drink. I waste time when I do drink. I just don't understand myself at all. Everything around me is good, yet I insist on letting this thing take over my mind and I hate it. I've been trying to figure out whether I am depressed, but I don't think I am, or whether I am just an addict and can't break the habit/addiction. And also why I need the drink. I just binge all the time, and if I manage to stay away from the drink for a night or two I just eat. I'm frightened now because I feel out of control and hate this hold alcohol has over me.

[Amber8200]

Isobelle, I felt so much for you reading your post. I haven't seen you on the other threads before, sorry. I really relate to what you are saying. At any"objective" level my life also is pretty good - but yours sounds even better. So why would anyone want to drink? For the past few days I was away, and hardly drinking at all. Came back and had to go to work. Driving home all I could think of was my nice cold bottle. OH cooked dinner while I sat outside alone drinking and smoking. He was drinking too, finished up worse then me. This morning he said "But what happened yesterday? Did something go wrong at work? How come you were drinking again?" Then he told me that he thinks the reason I drink is because I can't stand to be around him. My main official reason is because I smoke when I drink, and of course this is forbidden in the house. But I realised this was also about being alone. I only like drinking when I am alone, conversely, I like to be alone so I can drink. So much of what others have said on this thread rings a bell. He takes it personally, I don't want to spend time with him and would rather spend it with the bottle. Then of course that's right because it really is a love affair with alcohol, as others said earlier on this thread. So if I am withdrawing from the house and into the love afffair with my bottle, no wonder he feels I don't like him.

Then this made me start thinking about the ways that in fact I don't like him. Spending time with him isn't any fun anyway, his latest thing is to lounge around watching "One Foot in the Grave" on TV. Is that supposed to be fun? We have no friends and he has alienated my daughter and through her my granddaughter. I am dimly realising that if I wasn't alone with my bottle for comfort something much more drastic might happen. Maybe he should be grateful. Sorry, this rant isn't helping you at all. I guess all I can say is that this drinking thing is far deeper and far more complicated than any of us are able to realise. On the other hand, getting over it just requires not drinking. I have been on and off the 7 day thread now for several weeks. I decided absolutely to get off the booze just to find out what it would be like to feel well and healthy and not half crazy with wanting to drink and then trying not to. A few days would be fine then something would happen. Sometimes it was the OH tempting me, "Oh come along then you can have just one, surely". Then off I'd go again. So I got off the 7 day thread, I decided I was a fake and wasn't really serious about quitting. Have been reading a lot of the other threads since, trying to get some more perspective on what to do next. All I can say is, lots of people are in a similar position and I don't think any of us really "understand" the grip it has or the comfort it brings (along with the horror) and least of all do we know how to move our minds and hearts into a place where it just loses its power. If you really want to try stopping, go the the 7-day thread and see how you go. Lots of support and positive messages there. I really hope you feel better soon. Am thinking of you.

[Isobelle]

Isobelle, I felt so much for you reading your post.

Thanks. I'm like you in that I like to smoke when I drink, and I just make excuses to drink so that I can smoke, I know it sounds ridiculous. It's like, how fast can I kill myself when you break it down! I have far too much to be healthy for, and this behaviour has to stop.

You sound like an intelligent person, yet you continue to do what I do and that is abuse your body, even though we know what we're doing is bad for us. I keep thinking about how many years have gone by and how much time has been wasted. And how I have been given all these amazing things and people around me, yet I still crave the alcohol. I have had a few hours today to think about things, and have told myself that sooner or later (and probably sooner) something will give if I continue to drink. Probably my relationship, which is the last thing I want to happen. I have never found true love before, and now I have I need to hang onto it otherwise I will become a very lonely person. When I'm not drinking I feel part of things, happier, calmer. When I am going through my drinking stages, even if I'm in a room full of friends or family I feel totally alone. Because I know I am hiding this from everyone. When I hide my bottles in the bin under stuff, I wonder why I'm doing it because I am only hiding it from myself, and I know I have done it! It's like I am covering my tracks, what if my kids see it? What if my parents come over and see?

You're right. It is a love affair, but for me one that has to stop, I have to try again. I decided today that I am exceptionally stupid to have even let it get this bad again. I just thought to myself, what if I had to choose between my drink and my man. There is no thinking about that one for me, I hate the fact that I am deceiving him and just dread the day I do something to make him see me for who I really am. If I stay away from alcohol I KNOW that it will be alright, if I continue down the path I have chosen the past few weeks then it's only a matter of time. I know what I have to do, and you know what you have to do! Even if your man isn't giving you what you need right now, you never know, if you are sober you may see things differently?

Thanks for listening anyway. Maybe we can support each other. I'm ringing my gp tomorrow to sort out one big problem that I have had for a long time that just needs dealing with. First step in the right direction I'm sure.

Take care

[Ed]

i got to a point when drinking alone was the only drinking i wanted to do. its been a very long time since alcohol has made me the life and soul of social activity. A maudlin bore surely. if i couldn't ever drink alone i think i would be more likely to stop in the long term. i could drink with my gf as she accepts me for who i am and wouldn't judge me for being a maudlin bore the next day but i don't really want to be that for her. Drinking alone is great then not so great. I love that first 30 minutes - the release, the relaxation, the independence, the euphoria of letting your thoughts free fall....and then the 'not so great'. Physical discomfort, mental confusion, emotional disturbance.

The only drinking i would ever 'want' to be involved in is drinking for release. Home alone, bottle of wine or 4 or 5 beers or maybe a little more. Do it quickly. Get to bed. Dust off in morning. Ive simply done too much damage to myself socially with alcohol for it ever to be anything else than a drinking alone activity. Even then its not that safe with emails and sms. I have a social self destruct button that is primed for use with alcohol.

[dogwalkingloon]

I read this thread on my phone yesterday and it has hit suck a chord with me. My favorite drinking was drinking alone. I would have a drink with my wife waiting for her to go to bed so i could drink properly

I would make sure i had enough in so that after a night out being reserved around friends i could get home relax and then have a proper drink in my own company

I would plan time alone booking time off work when my wife was out to make special alone drinking time

Its not that i dont love my wife, I do but without her there i could indulge in my other affair without her being able to question what i was upto.

So If I could never drink alone I think the grip the EAF has on me would be easier to loosen. As it is she is still trying to plan alone time for me and that is something Im going to keep an eye out for because thats the time she strikes her hardest

[MsTique]

So If I could never drink alone I think the grip the EAF has on me would be easier to loosen

I'm glad you revived this thread, dogwalker. It's really made me think and has given rise to new possible tactics for stopping altogether. I always drink alone and, if something was to block me from doing that, I still wouldn't want to go to pubs, clubs, or whatever because I no longer enjoy that kind of social scene and, to be honest, I don't feel that desperate for a drink to start to do that. I'm not making myself out to be angelic.... rather, I need to think of my reasons for drinking at all (which is always at the bottom of it for all of us, I suppose) when I know I probably wouldn't do it if I was prevented from doing so.

I can see the value in the original question as a meditation exercise...... going to give this lots more thought.

Lee x

[dogwalkingloon]

I agree Lee this is a fantastic thought provoking thread. Ive only just started exploring the site more now Ive been Af for a few days. At the start I was focused on the challenge and Ive not had a drink today threads for obvious reasons. Now as i look around Im finding more and more things that ring true to my story. In reading these and the stories of how other peoples drinking habits are/were its allowing me to look more in depth at what and why Ive become the drinker i have.

This drinking alone was a big part of my problem. As someone put earlier in the thread being alone alowed me to indulge to the extent i wanted without my OH or anyone else seeing and being able to say anything or ask why?. The times I have been drinking alone and then accidentally ended up in contact with people ended badly with alot of embarresment and sorrow. So i was ashamed of what I was doing and thats why it needed to be done alone. with that in mind by reducing those opportunities or planning and attack against the EAF when they arrive I think I will stand a far better chance against this problem.

In time Im going to put a full story of how my drinking developped and the extent it got to but Im still in the early stages and not quite ready for that yet. Im sure it will be of help to people as other stories are being to me.

Last night was my first AF night without my OH. I had put plans in place for when I got home from work and felt they were watertight but still I had whisperings from my EAF. Nothing that I couldnt self talk through but It was clear the home alone is big step. i managed it last night and treading poeples posts on this thread helped with that immensly

[MsTique]

In time Im going to put a full story of how my drinking developped and the extent it got to

That would be a good exercise too, one that I would like to do as well. I've gone over and over it in my mind but when we write things down, ideas crop up that we might have forgotten or overlooked. This would be another worthwhile practise. I've already set up a word document for the What if you couldn't drink alone meditation ..... will set up another one for Drink and My Life.

i managed it last night and treading poeples posts on this thread helped with that immensly

Glad last night went well for you.

Lee x

[dogwalkingloon]

Thanx! last night was as big a hurdle as the first day so Its made me feel very positive!

Shame I wrote treading instead of reading

I like your idea of writing it down on a word doc then when the time is right i know ive got exactly what I want to say! And with it all down infront of me when times get hard I can have a look through it!

Might have a go at that

[MsTique]

Shame I wrote treading instead of reading

Oh, I didn't know that was a mistake! It made sense to me... sort of working your way through the posts.

Lee x

[mrsproblemchild]

What would i do if I couldn't drink alone
I would make an even bigger ass out of myself on a daily basis for all to see.

Even drunk me wont let me out of the apartment, what a mess that would be!

[colder62]

It is a "thought" exercise. While very busy in the community, I "make time" or "catch up" when I am at home alone.

[brownhare]

I would have had to face my s**t a lot sooner. I can't even describe how much I loved drinking alone. I would shop, clean the house, make all the beds, fill the fridge with healthy food for the family ( tell myself this made it OK) Then wait until OH was gone to night shift and son was at sleep over or in bed and line up my twin six packs for the evening along with a big box of smokes and get settled in for a full evening of drinking until blotto.

It makes me sick to think that I EVER thought this was a TREAT. But I did until it got to the point that I was sick of it and it wasn't a treat anymore it was a dirty secretive habit that was redefining me as a flaky, irresponsible, self hating, sick mess.


Oh man the drinking alone days, how little value do we give ourselves to consider planned self poisoning on a grand scale to be a little treat. One thing I feel for sure, is that giving up drinking alone is a choice that I had to make alone, but it is a choice that made me feel a lot LESS ALONE straight away.

Truth is I'd rather be here right now and sober with you guys than back there on my own getting wrecked and hating myself for it.

[Sandymarie28]

I think in my case it's pretty cut and dry.

I have only two modes. Either I don't start or I don't stop. There's no middle ground at all anymore and that means I can't drink socially..... I can *act* like I'm drinking socially, which means watching people around me and only drinking as much as they do ..... but after the party is over I will obsess about it until I can find a way to be home alone and then I will "release" once other people have gone on to do other things..... even if the release has to be delayed for days until I get the opportunity.

I'm writing this in present tense even though I haven't had a drink socially for this reason since January.

At home, the drinking alone serves only one function..... to avoid getting in a fight (or more correctly to delay the fight until after the drinking is done). At this point even if I were to drink one beer (LOL..... like I could do that... ) my wife would--and rightly so--go into "do whatever it takes to make him stop" mode... and of course when you're drinking you need to focus on the task and the last thing you need is someone breathing down your neck and telling you that you've had enough..... or worse yet... tyring to take it away! :shock

The fights are the worst. They always include the incessent repetition of the word "WHY" to which I have no answer.



I can so relate Godsmacked!




Drinking alone allows one to avoid the "WHY"

-G-