Do we really have to tell other people?!

[Rachel]

I would concur with this.
The pressure of the secret became unbearable for me. Most of my friends know now, and few of them were surprised.
People knowing also means that I can't contemplate having a sneaky drink when I go out with colleagues and friends (not that I do much these days...)

[Frankly my dear]

Well my brother in law really had a rough time when he told others, so when I got to the stage when I knew I had to drink less or not at all in public situations, I fibbed, sort of. Sometimes I said I was taking a medication that was incompatible with alcohol, or that I had an upset tummy or that I was tired and the booze would just make me sleepy. Sometimes I joked that it was my "be kind to my liver day". So I had a better experience with other people's reactions than my brother in law did. Maybe some people are uncomfortable with you not drinking because of their own drinking habits or whatever. bottom line: do what you have to do to meet your goals.
Frankly

[ellen in florida]

From prior experience, I am very selective who I tell. When I first attempted to stop, I went to a rehab that encouraged being honest with yourself and everyone else. Supposedly doing this was the only way to recover. My previous job had me moving frequently, and my first disclosure that I was an alcoholic was genuinely supported by some, and judged harshly by others, especially if they saw me relapse down the road. Once I was transferred to my next location, I was much more careful who I told. I have met other alcoholics who have that personality where they tell anyone without hesitating, their attitude is, who cares what others think. I just don't have that kind of personality. I tend to dwell on negative comments by others (something I am trying to improve on). I am early in another attempt at recovery, so have learned that right now I am not strong enough to face the looks, and talks behind my back. I already get down on myself enough. I just give some kind of excuse, nobody pushes it with me. I really think to disclose or not really depends on whether someone can handle a possible negative reaction, without it compromising your recovery.

[bobi]

Hi Ellen, I understand how you feel and for me personally telling anyone other than my wonderful husband is a definite no-no. I think it's because I doubt that most people would understand. I've heard my mother and my neighbour - both ladies I would normally term 'nice', pour scorn on alcoholics purely down to having no clue about the misery of the disease. For me keeping this private is paramount. I've battled for over 30 years and now two weeks into the latest attempt to quit. If this is finally when I succeed, even years down the track I shall never tell anyone of my past - and if I relapse yet again I shall keep what I feel is my shame to myself as I beat myself up enough when I fail without having to deal with other peoples' possible condemnation too. I wish you success and peace . Bobi Lincolnshire UK XXX

[ellen in florida]

Bobi: I wish you well in your recovery also. I am glad you have a supportive husband to be by your side.

[cowboy]

Do we? I really don't want to make a big deal of this. I have 4 days under my belt and have passed on wine offered by my sweet wife at dinner every night. (She doesn't have the some problem as me - not even close). I haven't said anything about quitting - yet. The weekend is coming and there will undoubtedly be a number of invitations to drink. I will probably give an excuse such as doctors orders for the time being. Most people that know me though - know that I am too heavy a drinker to follow some doctors orders. At some point in time I'll have to come clean but that's the least of my worries right now. One day at a time - early days. Just want to make it through this first weekend.

[Finley]

This is a really difficult one, isn't it? As individuals, we share our problem relationship with alcohol, but we're all in different circumstances, with different social circles, families etc, so there can't really be a 'one size fits all' approach. Younger BE-ers may find they have more peer pressure - I'm 51 and although I found it difficult to say anything in the first few weeks, I'm now comfortable with telling my friends 'Well, I'm on blood pressure medication, and just think at my age it's time I did whatever I could to keep healthy, so I'm cutting down on the booze'. With people I don't know as well (there's a group of us I know through work who meet up for a meal every couple of months) I tend to make sure I'm driving so I can't drink. Recently I went for this one, and one of the group said 'Aw come on - why don't you get a taxi? Have a drink and enjoy yourself' and I told her I was economising due to how bad things are at the moment with late payers etc, so wouldn't be getting a taxi. I wouldn't tell my mum, cos she doesn't know there's a problem and it would worry her if she did - I have told my brother, who understands without judging. My 17 year old daughter knows (cos she lives with me, has seen me drink every night for the past few years and has obviously noticed the difference in the last three months!!!)

I suppose at the end of it all, we have to make decisions based on our own circumstances, but actually we ought to be able to say 'I'm not drinking cos I don't want to', without further explanation. If we said we were stopping smoking (as I have) people, even other smokers, would clap you on the back and say WELL DONE - if we say we're not drinking, people can have peculiar reactions...........

[sscott]

Hi Finley,

You speak a lot of sense.

All the Best to you and yours, keep posting.

Stuart

Me?...I do notice that some of my workmates are going through similar alcohol addiction probs but they seem to take great consolation in others being 'worse than them'. I do tell a lot of them that I am/have been cutting back and I do not compare myself with others so much although feel in the same boat.....I rather stick to repeating what is healthy and what is not in the hope that I influence them the correct way.

[Finley]

Thanks Stuart. Yes, it's funny how heavy drinkers seem to take comfort from the fact that someone else drinks more than they do, isn't it? But we all have different vulnerabilities - some have more fragile physical health, others suffer more with emotional issues - and it won't be any comfort to someone who drinks less than their mates if s/he develops a serious illness because of it while they seem to carry on regardless with no ill effect

In the end, whatever support we can give each other (and should - I know I benefit greatly from BE), it's down to ourselves what we do and how we do it.

Hope you're ok and having a good day x

[madcow23]

I don't like the word alcoholic but I do tell most of my friends that I have a drink problem. Unfortunately many of my friends are also heavy drinkers and I'm not sure telling them makes much difference ie they still encourage me to drink more (I'm attempting to cut down at the moment).

I don't tell acquaintances or family (except my brother who used to have alcohol problems) as I don't think they would understand.

But I think it's entirely up to the individual who they tell and whether it would achieve something positive.

Ruby

[Finley]

I agree that the word 'alcoholic' conjures up all kinds of images that some of us can't relate to/apply to ourselves and also I would have the fear that to describe myself as such to other people may make them think of me in ways I wouldn't want them to.

I prefer to think of myself as alcohol dependent - because that's what I've become. I did wonder about whether this was minimising the problem but I really don't think it is. Alcohol dependent actually describes the impact of alcohol on my life, or the way I use it within my life, and I think that's more useful than a label which is a 'catch all' for people who have a range of problems, one of which is using alcohol to excess, or being addicted to it.

I think it's also more helpful for me to think about 'alcohol dependence' in terms of how I then go about tackling my misuse of alcohol. I mean, when I manage not to drink, I can think about being able to do certain things without 'depending' on alcohol to enable me.

In terms of telling other people, when I first came to BE, I wouldn't have told anyone at all. Now, there are some people I will tell and I usually say things like 'I think I was becoming too dependent on alcohol to unwind' or 'I decided I want to be able to drive to/from a night out because taxis are too expensive and I can't drink and drive', or with one or two very close friends 'I was worried about how much I was drinking and realised I need to stop'. It all depends on who I'm speaking to.

Whatever we decide about talking to people in our 'real' lives, thank goodness for BE, where we can all be completely honest about our relationships with alcohol

[m@]

'...where we can all be completely honest about our relationships with alcohol '

I like the term 'relationship'. I have started seeing someone recently and I was open and honest from the start about everything. I had to be, it's not as if it wasn't ever going to come up in the future if things progress. She was fine about it, in fact never mentions it unless I do.

We all have a 'relationship' with alcohol, even if we aren't drinking at the moment.

[joop]

I have a question...

I really want to make this work and have found a counselor. I work from home a lot and live alone and I've worked out I can avoid people I know and therefor questions for the next 4 weeks. 4 weeks is a big deal for me, as I tend to fail around 3 weeks.
I'm happy in my own company, I'm going to go down the gym and I am actually meeting people this weekend for dinner, who I don't really know that well- so me saying no, won't raise any queries. They won't be expecting the drunken party girl

I can avoid the office for a month (office, not at home, may as well stay out and meet friends = big trigger) and I thought avoiding friends would be easy (I don't move in circles that have to see each other every week etc) - I'm not ready to be honest yet and I just want to make a month.

A friend asked what I was doing this weekend and she was one of my drunken summer friends, who I do like and get on with, but as she was part of my drunken summer I'm cautious at the moment, could be a trigger. and I think she can tell I'm not keen on meeting up, other mates I can use payday as an excuse.

I'm going to have to face admitting I don't want to drink at some point, but I wanted to do it when I feel stronger, healthier - when being sober makes me feel good about myself. Am I doing the right thing? or am I just creating a bubble that will burst later?

[Finley]

Joop - you could always do as others have suggested and say you're on antibiotics, if you don't feel like talking to this particular friend. Or maybe just say that you're trying to get healthy before the Xmas period? Or, that you have a lot of difficult work on at the moment and can't face doing it with a hangover?

I think it's awful, how difficult it is to tell people we don't want to drink - I know I drank wine over the weekend, because if I hadn't it would have caused questions to be asked (by my mum, and I will NEVER be ready to discuss my problem relationship with alcohol, with her). If we say we're giving up smoking, even other smokers will be, perhaps a little grudgingly, supportive, but if we say we don't want to drink, the reactions can be very different.

Could you suggest getting together for an activity that wouldn't involve alcohol for either of you (maybe go for a spa treatment or something like that?). If your friend isn't happy spending sober time with you, perhaps it might be better to avoid being in their company for a while? I guess if that's the case, you might question (to yourself at least if not openly to your friend) whether that friend also may have an unhealthy relationship with booze?

Best of luck, whatever you decide

[Grendelslip]

Joop, the decision on whether to tell or not to tell is entirely yours. People will notice that you are not drinking and sooner or later somebody will ask why. It's really none of their business. Telling them that may cause offense or lead to Conclusions Being Drawn so I think it is OK to make up excuses if you don't want to tell all. Little white lies.

As to whether you need to tell, I think you have to go with what you are comfortable with and not feel you have to tell/not tell. I can think of only one disadvantage to keeping quiet: if you have someone who would be supportive and would not tell others then you might benefit from telling them in order to get that support. I certainly can't see why keeping quiet for now would build a bubble that would later burst.

There are many excuses for not drinking that we can give. Many are described in previous posts. My personal choice would be to start by saying I am having a detox - in the wider sense as used in health and fitness circles - or that I am making lifestyle changes. Later on I could then tell everybody that I feel so much better for not drinking so will be carrying on. I like this because it is actually true!

It is important to remember though that once the cat has been let out of the bag it ain't gonna go back in. On the other hand, while you continue to keep quiet you still have the option of 'coming out'. "If in doubt leave it out" perhaps.

Dave

[Jake.]

I just say I don't enjoy it any more (true) and that I feel much better without it (true (

[joop]

thanks for the reply!

I think re reading my post, on reflection the issue is with me. I thought about suggesting a non drinking activity or saying I've been ill - but I don't trust myself yet, If I start to feel bored or they even suggest 1 drink, I'm worried I'll just fold - no matter what excuse I gave. Because I know they drink and will drink, its too easy for me to brush off being ill and say I can have 1 and end up on a session with them. I said I was on a health kick on Friday, I said I was bored of drinking and hate the hangovers. - people just think its funny when you say that and end up drunk

I don't think I trust myself just yet to be around people I used to drink heavily with... Some old friends of mine, made a face book comment recently ''why no matter where we go, we always end up drunk''... I'm the same - I could find an excuse for a pint anytime - everything in my life used to revolve around alcohol or turn into a piss up.

thats awful isn't it - and I used to think I didn't have a problem...

I think I have to avoid people who know me as a drinker, until I feel stronger in myself about not drinking

[Jake.]

Sounds like a good plan joop!

[Finley]

Hi Joop. That might be the best idea really. I know that for the first couple of weeks (when I was only trying to cut down, actually, not stop drinking altogether) there were a couple of friends I actually could not think of going out with, because I knew it would take very little to see me downing a bottle or more of wine - and they would have been more than happy to keep me company. One 'up' side of that, was that I did find myself spending time with other friends, non-drinkers, or very light drinkers, who I'd probably neglected for quite a while. I've also found over the past few months that I'm much more willing to try new activities, because I'm needing to find AF things to do - and I've been quite surprised by how many of my friends have also been willing to come along and 'make do' (from their point of view) with a really good coffee and indulgent cake.

Best of luck

[joop]

thanks guys and I love the coffee and cake idea, sounds so nice 'lets meet for coffee and cake' rather than drinks, going to try that at some point.