Beyond the 1 Year Milestone

[zoe]

Reaching the one year sober milestone is an amazing achievement. It might be a far off dream for many but for some it's already happened ... for some it is even a dim and distant memory, whilst for others it is something they're determinedly working towards day by day. I hope this thread will provide a place for people who want to post on issues relating to longer term sobriety, sharing and comparing experiences, tips and support; recognising that long term abstinence has it's own unique challenges.

I must admit to having a purely selfish reason for wanting to start this thread as I want the security of knowing there is somewhere to post where the focus is on issues surrounding staying abstinent rather than becoming so.

I am fast approaching 10 months sober. In some ways it feels like an awfully long time ago that I was stuck in the chaos and anxiety of my drinking days. I can't of course pinpoint one particular thing that is helping me to stay sober but I can point to many things;

Learning and practising honesty and self-acceptance
taking one step at a time
being fully present in the moment wherever possible
consistently offering and accepting help within my support network
following up on promises made
taking responsibility for my own behaviour past and present
reminding myself of what my drinking days were really like
finding new ways to deal with uncomfortable feelings

I heard something the other day that really struck a chord with me ... "you need never drink again". To me in that moment I interpretted that as "you need never find yourself living as you did in the horrors of your drinking days ever again". Sometimes we lose sight of what we have to lose by even contemplating drinking. For me though sometimes I forget to celebrate all that I have to gain by staying sober. I am grateful to be sober today that's for sure. xx Jos

[Sheila]

.......knowing there is somewhere to post where the focus is on issues surrounding staying abstinent rather than becoming so.

Very well put Jos
Stopping is one thing .... staying stopped is quite another!!

[Neal]

An overdue addition to the Forum.

Neal

[Jarvis]

Thanks, Jos!

Yes - Neal, I think this is going to make a pretty good home, isn't it? I hope no-one minds if I join in here? I'm really excited about this new thread, so I hope not!

I say all this because I haven't yet managed the Perfect Year. However, as much as I love the idea of commiting myself to the "fixed-term" challenges, I find them a bit too challenging for my purposes.

Pineapple - I don't know if you are feeling the same as me or if this will help but, although I'm very happy in my state of not-drinking, I've struggled in recent months to think of this sobriety in terms of reaching set goals. I think my problem is that - because I'm reasonably competitive - I begin to see the end of a challenge (the finishing-line, if you like) as the goal itself, and I forget the reason I'm actually doing it in the first place: in other words, to stay long-term sober in order to:

i) keep my soul, my potential, and my marriage alive; and
ii) to help all three to thrive.

For these to survive and thrive, I need to stay sober, and I can't imagine a point at which this will change. But I'm finding that much easier to do by just rolling along, remaining ever-vigilant but keeping my focus largely on the present and the immediate future:

Would it do me any good to drink today?
Will drinking have no undesirable consequences for my immediate future?
Could alcohol improve my current life/situation in any way?

Because the answer to those questions is invariably 'No', and because I can't imagine this ever changing, I consider myself as aiming at - and, at the moment, achieving - long-term sobriety, but without worrying too much about fixing deadlines. I'm just not clever enough to see that far enough into the distance - and when I do try to look too far along this road of abstinence, I don't notice the pebbles in the section of road I am currently running, and that's when I stumble and trip.

Anyway, this is something I've been thinking about a lot recently, and I think - for selfish reasons - a thread dedicated to living a long-term sober life is absolutely perfect for me, not least because, as Sheila says:

Stopping is one thing .... staying stopped is quite another!!

And I think this thread will be an excellent place in which we can all help one another to stay stopped!

Best wishes to all
Mark

[George]

Good one Jos

Personally, I wish this thread had been around for the end of my year. Then there would have possibly been somewhere to continue keeping me "on track" if you like. Now there is somewhere to get to that doesn't itself run out, therefore there is a good reason for me to remain sober until I keel over.

Thanks

[George]

Are you fishing in the Old Pond tonight TLW

[Winker]

sorry to lower the tone from some lovely uplifting thoughts
but with the mention of chocolate.....
did anyone lose weight alomg with the booze as a bonus?
o please say yes
(says me having eaten a takeaway curry, 10 choc covered malted milk and 10 squares of dairy milk ops)

[Winker]

Thanks I'm sure you're right
I'm just a bit alarmed at the sugar I'm devouring but it's better than sugar from the booze no?
I guess it will even out over time
If not i'll just have to buy 2 seats in future

[Boris Bike]

I'm not going to post on here again until I've done a year, but just to say well done on starting the thread. Great idea.

[renasci]

I'm not going to post on here again until I've done a year, but just to say well done on starting the thread. Great idea.

Same here. I'm looking forward to hearing from the longer term abstainers about how they're staying sober and coping with day to day life as opposed to how they might have done before when they were drinking etc.

[Mandrake]

Hi everyone

Great new thread. One feature of being long term sober is enjoying the mornings every weekend. For 20 years weekend mornings were spent in pain or in bed.

Life isn't a bed of roses just because you don't drink but it is a lot easier to face and it is a he'll of an improvement!

Mandrake

[Sandy]

Hi All
Well this seems like just the ticket! exactly what I have been looking for.
Can I come in for a while? am approaching 2 years sober thanks to BE and more than happy to cuddle up beside wolfie there!
Have to admit to being a bit of a blether but have loads to share if anyone wants to hear it
Sandy
ps does the ninja know about this place?

[Kazzl]

How wonderful to have people I respect and admire so much all here in one place. I really look forward to your posts.
I want to remain sober for good - and I mean that in both senses. I want to see sobriety as gaining something, not giving something up. I'm nearly four months sober and quite steady in my resolve and behaviour - but I know I've got a way to go yet before I get past the sense of forgoing something. So I'll just sit quietly off to the side and listen, think and learn.

Kaz

[Sheila]

Hi Kaz I always read your posts even thought we've never really 'chatted' before .... 4 months you are doing so well
Getting your head into the right place re thinking more about something you're gaining as opposed to something you're losing or giving up ... it really does come with time, and positive thinking. In fact for me it was really quite gradual. I believe I was there without realising it for a time ... I think it was when I reached the point of being aware that I was more scared of drinking again than of not drinking again ... if I'm making any sense A turning point for sure

[Kazzl]

Wow, thanks Sheila! I am scared of drinking again - I was saying exactly that to my OH only a few days ago. I feel I have too much to lose (especially my mental health) if I drink again and I have no illusions that I can be a 'just one or two' drinker because that's not my personality. I'm an all or nothing kinda gal.
to you Sheila!
Kaz

[Sheila]

You and me both Kaz ... All or nothing, absolutely. After many failed attempts at cutting down/moderating, I accepted that. That was another turning point ... Acceptance.
I was never interested in just having one or two drinks ... Life really is so much simpler now. In my experience, it's much harder to moderate than to abstain. That's not to say I don't get the odd 'thought' now and then, but they get easier to dismiss as time passes, and that's all they are now ... thoughts that come occasionally.

[Neal]

Let's face it - it was never alcohol's taste that kept me ingurgitating without any sensible regard for anything at all other than my own inebriation. And those times I have thought about having a drink, it's not a glass of beer or a nice wine with dinner - although, I have those thoughts (though with much less frequency now) - but it was being bottle blootered I thought of. Never thinking about the taste, but the 'buzz'.

I am glad to say, I am not given to thinking about booze as much as I used to - not anywhere near it. But I now know enough about it (alcohol) and about myself, and have thought through so many avenues of abandon, to realise that abstinence really is the only way for me.

It's great to have this thread for those of us who have (or who aspire to having) put in some sober mileage. I'm sure, that whilst everyone has made his or her unique journey, there is much commonality in the phases/stages we will, or have, encountered as we aim for liquor-free longevity in life. The initial sufferings and euphorias - the wobbles and moments of weakness that test our will - the landmark months, year(s) - pride - anticlimax - boredom - contentment - restlessness - self-discovery - the ambiguities that surround the idea of remaining sober for life - regrets and recriminations for a past we cannot change - and so on and on and including acceptance. I like your comment about abstinence being easier than moderation, Sheila. And I know what you mean about being scared at the thought of drinking again Kazz.

I was thinking very similar thoughts towards the end of last week. My BH and I have booked a nice sunny holiday to look forward to - it's only a matter of weeks away too. And immediate thoughts surfaced about the wines of the area, the local beers and my ability to attempt to moderate? Then the thought process ran like this. I could have some wine with dinner - would I then have to wait a night or two to prove to myself it's ok? - how long would I have to leave it before drinking again? - I mean, if I started to have a glass every night would that be so bad? - and the odd refreshing beer - it's so normal for so many people, surely I could normalize my drinking!? - would I be able to spot the signs I was returning to old ways? - would I be strong enough... etc. etc. And then I thought - WHY FKN BOTHER? Life is much simpler without alcohol, why complicate it all again? If I have these thoughts, what would it be like for my BH who has been through enough with all of that old hedonistic horsewater of mine? (with apologies to horses) - she would certainly be on edge, waiting for the doomed descent into old drunk and drinking manifestations. And no matter how much (or how little, I suppose) I think I could have one or two, it's frightening to imagine reintroducing the struggle.

So I won't. It does help that my BH says that my sobriety is the best thing that's ever happened to her, and that my DD is muchMuchMUCH happier. And so am I.

True, there are times when I look into the future and think that it's a long time sober that lies ahead (God/fates/health/whatever permitting) but I don't really fixate on that. I temper that fear with the regrets of a thirty year blur and remain ever vigilant. That and the control I feel I now have.

Neal

[Sheila]

Neal ...I've always admired your wonderful way with the written word and the description of your thoughts about your looming holiday are exactly what went through my mind too when my OH booked our special week away in November .... 5* all inclusive My first thoughts were, I'm ashamed to say, "What a waste of an all inclusive package"
Then I got to your "WHY FKN BOTHER? Life is much simpler without alcohol, why complicate it all again?" bit, and decided that soft drinks are sometimes just as expensive as alcohol ones, so I'll still make sure I get me monies worth .... Sorted

[Tink]

Just found this thread. Love it!

Neil, short and sweet for me for a change and I just want to say spot on. You rock.

Sheila, You just keep moving from one strength to another and give me much encouragement.

Don't say it enough but I take so much comfort in being in such wonderful company. You all are inspiration and without you all I would not be where I am , sober and satisfied.

Love to all,
Tink

[zoe]

T'is the 24th of August today. I know for some this may be a statement of the bleeding obvious but did you know it is also Sandy's 2 Year Sober Anniversary??

Sandy I am just flipping well delighted to be here today to mark this special occasion. I've said before and I think it's worth repeating that you are one of the good'uns ... always there with an encouraging word and I've never forgotten how you cheered me on when I was trying to re-group back in October. It made a very real difference to me to know you were rooting for me. I hope you are feeling top of the world today Sandy and very well done indeed xx Jos