Kudzu as a treatment for alcoholism
You’ve made the decision to cut down on your drinking. At this point, you may be wondering “is there anything that I can take that could help me with my cravings?”
Currently a few drugs are popular for the treatment of alcoholism – Naltrexone, Acamprosate, and Disulfiram. None are always effective or appropriate.
Common side effects include diarrhoea, dyspepsia (indigestion), headache, nausea and vomiting, rash, and itching. More severe side effects have been associated with these drugs which cause suspicion as to whether they are doing more harm than good.
The pharmaceutical industry has little to offer for keeping alcoholics sober. Herbal medicines, on the other hand, have shown more promising and dramatic results. However, for profiteering reasons, it is not likely that drug companies or your doctor will provide herbal alternatives.
The herb Kudzu can cut consumption of alcohol in half perfectly safely without the side effects of drugs. It has been used to reduce drinking in China since 600 A.D. Scientists have found the herb to be effective in reducing alcohol intake in rats.
Recently, studies have shown evidence that Kudzu can reduce drinking in humans. Essentially, kudzu increases blood alcohol concentration so that people need less alcohol to feel its effects. People feel satisfied on fewer drinks.
So, where can you find some? David Lee, a chemist on the McLean Hospital research team did assays on a variety of kudzu herb extracts from stores and websites and found that many of these products contained less than 1 percent of active kudzu, and thus were ineffective. Higher concentrations are needed - around 30-40 percent of one of Kudzu’s active ingredients (puerarin) is advised. Please be aware that the Kudzu capsules available in Holland & Barrett are only 7%. The tincture they sell is of course alcohol based (all tinctures are), at roughly 60% alcohol.
We’ve reviewed a number of online Kudzu suppliers, and this is the best we could find:
Or read some more information about Kudzu.
Alternatively you can try Liv.52 - a herbal supplement proven to protect the liver from the damaging effects of alcohol. It assists in the process of detoxification also, in that it speeds up the elimination of acetaldehyde (which means your hangovers won’t be quite so nasty).
June 21st, 2008 at 11:04 am
Worried- Welcome Back!
Please take a deep breath and say to yourself ‘All is well.’
I’m happy to hear you have reduced your drinking. You are moving on up.
It just sounds like you are going through some difficult times. As you’ve mentioned, you’ve experienced ‘major major stress’ which influences your liver and gallbladder function. It is very subtle and probably nothing your GP can detect with blood tests. You may feel awful and scared but it will get better in time.
According to traditional medicine, the relationship between a certain emotion and organ is mutual. Feelings of frustration, repressed anger, resentment, and irritation will influence the liver/gallbladder function. These feelings turn into heat and can manifest as tension in the stomach, tightness in the chest and sides, feeling of a lump in the throat, bloating, perhaps sighing frequently, and you can even observe changes on the tongue with red sides and tip, possibly with red points on the tip.
Herbal remedies like chamomile, peppermint and skullcap are very helpful but a tailored herbal formula would be more appropriate. I’d be happy to help you. I would recommend visiting an acupuncturist for immediate relief.
Really, don’t worry, it makes things worse. You could be on your way to developing ulcers but can prevent them from forming easily. Become aware of what is eating away at you and know you are good enough and have what it takes to handle it.
A wonderful book you should read is by Louise L. Hay, You can heal your body.
June 21st, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Erica-
You are welcome. I would also like to thank Formerly for sharing such practical information and being so helpful. She is a star!
As you mentioned, you have a shoe box filled with various minerals, vitamins and supplements. The question of should you be taking them all regularly or just now and then is a good question. You are different from everyone else so it depends greatly on your individual needs. So, I certainly wouldn’t ask the manufacturer!
Formerly has been quite impressive with her vast knowledge on the subject.
Go ahead and post the shoe box list and I reckon we will work on it. Be sure to include as much detail as possible and explain what your hopes are in taking each product.
About taking NAC…
I personally would suggest taking NAC when there is a ‘blip’ and not taking daily dosages. NAC may increase urinary zinc excretion. Therefore, supplemental zinc and copper is necessary when supplementing with NAC for extended periods. This supplement is widely used in the body-building industry where it is common for supplement makers to put 500 mg in each capsule. Yet, some experts suggest a far safer amount of around 25-50 mg would be appropriate.
June 28th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Small update. I did some research and there is some good news. I found a site about two alcoholics who had horrible binges, to the tune of BOTTLES of Gin and lager for weeks at a time. They went to AA but as many of us they found it judgemental and not for them. subsequently they now found a way to drink “normally”. I am trying to research their method as I think most of us realise it is not realistic to just quit as ideal as that would be.
I am self-detoxing and gave my flat a decent though not thorough cleaning as I cannot muster the strength. I am going to clean myself up a bit now as that always makes me feel better! I have not managed to eat more than a small thing of yoghurt but will try again a bit later this afternoon.
All is also not lost as I did get a message from the guy I had the date with who still seems keen so I guess he was not so put off. Though I lied and told him I was on pain pills when he called due to an injury thus explaining away via yet another lie my erratic conversation. I am hoping to resume my vitamin regimen as well and have managed to take some SAM-e which does seem to make the detox go faster. I am however on a self administered detox with some valium to control the shakes and hopefully have a somewhat normal day. I know I am in for another night of shakes and all and still am smoking which I normally give up after a bender but chose not to so as not to add more “detox” symptoms to my fragile shaking body.
I am not sure why I behave like this and the worst part is the lying as I seem to make up stories when I drink and it is never good as it is always followed by the “repair” processs. For those who followed earlier posts I lost my job in January and then started my own company more or less and it has not been going great. Last week was the first hopeful week in the beginning until I started binging. The shame was I had a very good job with little work, and steady monthly income. I have been living on savings mostly which I spend when I am on a binge unfortunately. But I know I need to persevere. My body is dehydrated as I feel how dry and brittle my skin and hair are. My biggest fear after a binge is the damage done to my body as many of you also experience.
Just wanted to give an update as I am about to shower and hopefully regain part of myself!
Thanks for all being here it means a lot and to be honest dumping my baggage on here helps as I do not feel as alone and isolated with my disease.
June 29th, 2008 at 10:10 am
Hi everyone!
FH - I had a bad feeling things were not so sharp as you had been quiet for a few days…..still…..today is a new day and although you feel worse than words can tell, you recognise the situation and are pulling things together again, so well done for that. You could have chosen to continue drinking and you didn’t. On days like this we all want a “human pipe cleaner” so we can have a good old scrub out on the inside - how I have longed to be able to thoroughly cleanse my insides, then get in the shower, wash off the horror of the night/nights before and feel “clean” again. You have begun the cleansing process which can only be a good thing. I think you are right about the Kudz - it has slowed you down a bit, and if your body cannot manage the same volume of booze, then again that can only be a good thing. We all want to stop completely, but in reality, managing is probably the best we can do and any decrease in your alcohol habits can only be a good thing, so as you said to me last week - don’t beat yourself up! You have made some good decisions already today
So….another puppy! that’s exactly the kind of thing I would do!! if you are a doggie person, it will all work out - I know - I am one
It’s been a crappy year for you with work, but I have to say, although I would dearly love to be self employed and not have to answer to some moron who abuses my good nature and professional capabilities - I am FORCED to get up in the mornings and go to the office. Whilst I scratch around for ideas of how I could work from home and would dearly love to be able to “run the show”, in my heart I do wonder how I would manage with the booze - suddenly there it is, just down the stairs in the fridge… It’s only 10am now and I’ve been thinking about my first beer since 9! it’s so easy to fall off the wagon at home don’t you think?? I do wonder if you have yet another obstacle in the way of “control” by having it available to you 24/7?? Anyway, enough of that today - it’s not the day for soul searching etc. you feel lousy and just need some tlc.
Carry on with your supplement regime - but do try to get some food down - your poor bod is struggling enough already, give it a chance to fight back with with something - however small - can you face a fruit smoothie???
Well - good luck with the pup - and good luck with the next phone call/date, sounds to me as though “inspite” of yourself, the doors are being opened for you FH - why don’t you just walk though?
Hope you feel much better as the day goes on
God Bless
Erica x
July 5th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Hi Karen-
Glad to hear Kudzu has helped reduce your alcohol cravings. Its also great to know you are catching on to the candida craving connection and doing something about it.
It is truly amazing to become aware of how our diet can have such a huge impact on our cravings and general well-being.
Just a reminder when counting your units consumed per week:
1 unit =1/2 pint ordinary strength beer = a standard glass of wine = a single measure of spirits
Over the recommended “sensible limits” of regular consumption- no more than 2-3 units per day for women and no more than 3-4 units of alcohol per day for men can be considered problem drinking.
All the best..
July 5th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
Want to make a difference? Why not help Kudzu research?
Contact us today to volunteer for our small trial study to investigate the outcomes of Kudzu Clarity, a glycerin based herbal tincture to reduce alcohol cravings.
Volunteers will receive a free sample for a ten-day trial study and a free holistic medical check up.
Requirements :
· You must be aged 30 or over, Male or Female, in good health.
· You must have a strong desire to reduce your alcohol consumption.
· You must consider yourself a problem drinker but not an alcoholic:
-unable to have a drink without it leading to several others.
-unable to resist drinking to the point of memory loss or aggressiveness
Please contact kudzu.study@gmail.com to receive more information on eligibility requirements.
Thanks!
July 6th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Hello everyone. Well I managed to speak to my own doctor as I started to think I had written the levels down incorrectly and it should maybe have been 2.7 rather than 27 - but it wasn’t!!! The normal is apparently 5 - 17 so it is high. He thinks it is my gallbladder so has agreed to send me for a scan. I still feel so unwell, very tired despite no alcohol and eating so healthily I should be feeling on top of the world. I did notice after supper last night the the pain radiated up to my back under my right shoulder blade which is a sign of a dodgy gallbladder - so sad as it sounds I hope if anything it is that because hopefully that can be cured and if my liver is oK then I most definitely have learned a very hard lesson and I will never over consume again. In fact I am almost on the road to not drinking even at weekends the recommended safe levels and perhaps only having a few when I go away with friends which is only about 6 times a year maximum. The hardest thought for me is not really for myself, its leaving my lovely children and animals without their Mum!! AND through her own selfish needs and desire to drink.
July 17th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
When is the best time of the day to take the Kudzu? Do you take it right before you drink?
July 17th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
The smoking is a walk in the park in a weird way. It is like really bad premenstrual anger!You know when you cry because the milk doesn’t come out of the fridge immediately or the phone ring annoys you.
I am supposed to be seeing the bloke tonight but it is the last think I want. A) I would need to tidy up some around the house and right now could not be f**ked to do a thing.
Smoking is worse than alcohol because of the anger. With alcohol there is a lot of remorse, sadness, guilt, smoking is more like a huge ball of anger locked in your stomach—plus you cry over everything. The best thing is that I never want a drink when I am quitting. I try and handle the smoking as the drinking and it works to a degree. What I mean is I have it down to a science on the smoking. If you only drink once every three weeks, and then you smoke, however much you want in that one “night out” maybe two—it is very doable. There seems to not be a re-ignition of the addiction BUT it takes 3 weeks abstinence and repeated bouts of that. If you break the rules, go on a binge/bender, then you are back on the horse.
Unlike drinking which is less predictable, with me cigarette cessation is very typical—day one, want to be knocked out by end of day, cannot sleep, constipated (which not to be disgusting but seems to contribute to the anger—this is what I think babies get colic from–constipation). Day two is an uncontrollable premenstrual like anger and sadness. I cry over everything. I am convinced the universe has jinxed me and hates me, it is bad. That is where I am now. Unfortunately and unadmitted by the pharma companies, like alcohol withdrawal, this is best treated with benzos. Day three you start to rebound and things get better. That is why I am determined to do it. I am more worried about falling off the wagon which leads me to smoking than anything else.
Am also really concerned about seeing this bloke tonight as I am NOT in the mood and know I will be bad company and bitchy and just do not really want to do much. I also am still torn as to how I feel about him.
My dogs unfortunately, being toy dogs, do not like going out if it is midday sunshine—they walk two seconds and pull back and then have their accidents which today is the last I need!
Work wise I have done NOTHING this week and do not even care. I feel like I am just at a dead end and if something is to happen I will deal next week! I have just felt at times you need to have time that you take care of yourself and ignore responsibilites, other than beners lord knows I do not recall my last holiday!
The smoking ironically also leads to drinking BTW Erica—so you are lucky that is a vice you do not have. It compounds the problems by doubling the acetaldehyde needed for the liver to clear it out and also seems to make someone more vulnerable to start a bender and continue one—one reason I am cutting it out. You probably hear people say, “My hangovers were worse when I smoked” which is true. You also tend to drink more and faster and it is just one of those hand in hand things that I think I would be better off without.
This is one obstacle, despite the tears, I know I can get through.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Oh dear it’s a real crappy week for you FH - I am sorry - I really didn’t mean to trivialise your mood at the moment, and I am sorry if I just made you even more angry.
I agree, that sometimes you really do need to shut off and concentrate on taking care of yourself - I am glad you recognise that and are allowing that process. If your’e not sure how you feel about Mr. Blokey, then perhaps giving him a miss for a couple of days until some of your angst passes really would be the best idea, I was just concerned about you being alone with such a heavy emotional weight hanging over you. For me being , alone and lower than a worms bottom equals binge drinking and I just wanted you to avoid going that route if at all possible.
You are wise FH and you are wholly aware of your personal boundaries and danger signs. Just keep listening to yourself - I believe you are making much more progress this week than you realise.
Bye for now
Erica xxx
August 6th, 2008 at 11:23 am
Dear all,
I have been reading your posts for the last couple of months (took me ages to read all right from the beginiing) and can totally relate to each and everyone of you in different ways, I started taking Kudzu a month ago, maybe I haven’t given it enough time but I find I am drinking more, or is it just a mind thing whereby I think the kudzu will do all the work and I dont have to!
This blog has been more of a help to me than the kudzu in that I feel I am not alone in my stupid constant battle with the devil on one shoulder urging me to have just one bottle (not glass) (of wine) “you know it will take the edge off and make you feel better”, (but nerver stops at one bottle) then there’s the angel on the other shoulder warning me not to, “you know how desperate you will feel in the morning and for the rest of the day, how miserable, depressed and good for nothing except vegging on the sofa, dry vomiting, taking milk thistle, beroccas, aspirin, herbal calming tablets to stop the anxiety” but after one glass when the devil wins and I’ve found a good excuse for that one glass, all the above is forgotton.
I come from a family of heavy drinkers, my brother was/is a recovering alcholic, his daughter is now going through it, my sister is like me, a binge drinker, her daughter although dry for a year, is a “dry drunk” both parents were heavy drinkers although didn’t start drinking until both were around 40, both dead now, had they lived I am sure they would have had huge problems, (actually thinking back they were both binge drinkers), and we are all of Irish background!
FH I am amazed at your knowledge and was thinking of you yesterday when I found an article in the newspaper about a new pill that is supposed to stop binge drinking called NALTREXONE, you can read the full item online at Dailymail.co.uk clutching at straws again, but like you I believe there has to be a solution somewhere, somehow.
Today I feel ok, just recovered from recent binge on Sunday, am feeling ok, but thats when it all starts again, have given myself a goal to not drink for at least a week, but never manage to get past 3 days (I give myself that goal everyday/week and never manage it)!
I read that you mentioned starting up a network, please don’t go without me, I need this site just to keep myself sane.
Fond affection to you all, and keep on with the battle. x
August 10th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Does anyone know the difference between Kudzu Full Spectrum and Kudzu Recovery tablets.
August 12th, 2008 at 4:53 am
Hey guys. Well, I had some wine leftover from the bender this weekend, and thought to myself, “im going to aa tomorrow” so drank a few glasses. im no where near drunk, but whatever. going to bed right after this. hopeless, i am sorry you dont believe in God, it hurts me to hear that. i dont blame you, as i get angry in life at how he could have done this to me, and all the problems i have. (depression, cfs, candida) theres nothing to say other than we dont understand, but believe me, ive seen some crazy things in life that have proved there is a God. and man, i do not feel ready to go to aa…. if i wasnt living with my family, i wouldnt go.. which is also a sign im not quite ready.
but formerly hopless, your rockbottom sounds similar to mine.. i havent had someone stealing from me, but i have had a dwi, a night in jail, a second accident where my bf was drunk and i was in a coma for a week, many embarassing family parties where i was to drunk, etc… at some moments im there. im ready. i just dont feel it at this moment… and its sad. i will be honest, part of the reason is bc i am mildly depressed. i feel life is so boring, and i have an abusive relationship with my bf . and i am unhappy…if i felt life was good enough without alcohol of course it would be alot easier.. anyway, as i write this im finishing up the few glasses of white wine i had, so im sorry if it sounded stupid.. talk to you guys tomorrow
August 12th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Thank you FH,
i will be making an appointment with my doctor soon, I can’t keep up with the after effects of my drinking right now.I am dragging myself through the day till I can get my 1st drink.
The kudzu that I ordered from the US still hasn’t arrived I intend to give it till the end of the week if it’s not arrived to chase up the order.
I really want to stop I now know if I carry on the way I’m going my health is going to suffer.
August 12th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
linda i know what you mean about getting yourself through the day obsessing over that first drink your waiting to have at night. ive noticed that its one of the better things you CAn do if your gonna keep drinking everyday, is to at least wait until ten pm. but that feeling of life sucks until that drink is just a horrible feeling to live with. as someone wrote above, i feel so much lately that im just existing. getting through the day and the times. my depression is worse which is a huge issue. i feel so much better if i dont drink for four of five days.
last night i had three big glasses and was tired ( worked all day-i know for a fact it helps to not have benders if your not working at home hopless, maybe you should try to get a job not working at home and that would help a bit)
and it wasnt so bad saying no more after the three i had and went to bed. i usually cant do that-but its funny, the more i drink, the more i have control. as in days per week. plus i was exhausted. if i drink everyday, i have more control over not going insane when i DO drink. i guess it gives you more of a tolerance and also your not getting as “happy” when your drinking because the more you drink, the less your brain produces the high/euphoria you get when you drink. so ive read,and felt. thats how i felt kudzu helped. it took away alot of the rush drinking somewhat gives you. which is why im stupid and stop taking it all the time!!!! whenever i get so down about drinking, i take it for days and then feel like im missing out because im not feeling so good fro mdrinking so whats the point? just dont drink ata ll. idont want to discourage anyone from taking it though-many people dont feel that it lessens the good feelings from alcohol. many feel its amazing. our brains are different.
so i feel alot better today. its weird cuz i even drank last night and felt hungover, but mentally felt better than i would after those horrible nights and benders. i keep debating whether i should take the small dose of zoloft i take, because its a waste if your drinking like i am. but it helps me sleep. im taking 25mg. the starting dose for depression is 50. anyway, tonight is the aa meeting. its a youth one, and its only twice a week with people around my age ( 20s and 30s) so i AM going to attend it. just to get a feel of how it is and everything. but now that i feel better of course im like thinking im just gonna keep trying to not drink during the week. maybe once. thtas always my plan. but it just always ends up failing. but hopeless, there are times when im SO ready to give it up the alcohol. and i say to myself, “ok that meeting is three days from now. but then somethin comes up such as work and i cant go to the meeting. and then i just end up saying, “ah, this is the last weekend ill drink then” THATS why tonight i am going to go. no work, nothing.
how are you guys doing? Linda going to the doctor is good. i also really wanted to try to get into an outpatient alcohol program. they give therapists, alcohol counselors, etc… really would do it. however i dont have insurance right now. sometimes you feel so helpless you just want to be in the hands of professionals…
August 12th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Jen-I also had a couple of nights in jail for DWI. This year has been one of my worst drinking years. Sometimes it is just time to stop! If even for long enough to see if we can change our chemistry or fill all the emptiness with something different. You sound a lot like me in your “excuses”. I too feel often like, what the hell is the difference, if drinking makes me feel good I may as well do it as there is not much else to live for. But I think there is more of a life than what we have been living out there for us.
Clearly I want to live and drink like a normal person, have some wine with dinner with friends, have cocktails, meet for a cocktail etc. But I can’t. My cocktail or glass of wine ends up a bender or humiliating myself in clear view of everyone etc. My body chemistry just cannot do it.
As for god, do not be sorry, I am not! I do not want to snap at you Jen or anyone for that matter but people must respect my right not to believe as much as I must respect theirs to believe. Other than the THOUSANDS of examples of why there cannot be a god that theologians try and explain away, there are also naturally personal reasons. For me Karl Marx was right about one thing and I add god to his remark–religion is the opiate of the masses. I find belief in god as silly as believing in the man in the moon-so when people tell me they feel bad I do not believe or I HAVE to find my god, I tell them I feel bad they are so “stupid” they actually do believe. (Sorry to have offended anyone and you too especially Jen but some of us find God a silly concept and as you have seen I am very rational and also very scientific and unless some bush starts burning in front of me you just cannot get me to believe god exists).
That, as stated, is and was my main problem with AA other than the fact they are a brainwashed cult.
At the same time, I need to quit so may also attend a meeting just because it is convenient to have so many around at so many times.
As for you Linda, I am sorry to say this especially on this site, but the Kudzu is like a modern day “elixir’. It does dampen your craving to a small degree but it is far from the panacea we all had hoped it would be. You can take as many as you want, you may notice that you do not get a great old BUZZ like you used to the minute you have a sip, but more than likely if you have a problem that is what you are after, is that feeling and you will pour glass two. Once the mechanism has kicked in that tells us to keep going, we will! Hate to say it because the hope I was holding out for this was more than anything in the world! I thought I really could FINALLY be normal and enjoy a glass or two of wine and not crave bottles, not make a fool of myself at parties etc.
Some things just are not possible. Kudzu is one unfortunately. Naturally there are people on here who have sworn by it but I wonder whether they a) ever really had a bad problem b) whether they are having a placebo effect.
There may well be chemical compounds in it that are conducive to making one have less urge, but these need to be refined, and likely given at prescription strength and only the actual compounds that count.
My advice is get off it for a while with the help of some valium or something. Just do a 3-5 day detox, I am on day 5 detoxing now and still feel awful, barely sleep, etc. So just tough it out and see what happens but try and abstain for a while, you sound like you are so alone and depressed that it is the only way to break the cycle.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Hey hopless, i in no way am critisizing you about God, im sorry it came out that way. of course you can believe whatever you want. i just feel my life is easier when im praying more or goig to church. havent been in awhile though! too hungover on sundays usually. i prefer just going myself to church, not even going to mass. just when no one is there. so yo uare going through detox? im surprised. i feel that when i stop i crave it, feel tired, but im not sure if thats detox or what. because by day two or three im fine. I am a little nervous about tonights aa meeting. let ya guys know how it goes! talk to everyone later.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I go through detox after every bender. But this is because I had a year when I was young that I actually drank every day and ended up having to be sedated for like 4 days to avoid dts. That was my first rehab and I had been drinking two fifths of vodka a day for a year. They actually told my family they never saw anyone so depleted of electrolytes and with such a high BAC that still was alive. Once you have a withdrawal incident you are more likely in the future. Hangovers are mild withdrawals in themselves, mine are more like, cannot eat, shake, cannot sleep, sweat, weird dreams, cannot eat, REAL alcohol withdrawal. After a 6 day bender it is normal which is why I have my own stash of valium as I know the medical regimen to safely detox myself.
I was not attacking you btw Jen about the god comment I just feel that those who believe find it unfathomable that some of us really do not but that said I also think some of us are very scientific and others of us can think more abstractly or with “faith”. I cannot have faith there is a god as there is too much evil in this world and there is no evidence of god. Once someone shows me a concrete bit of evidence then I will possibly give it a thought but otherwise all scientific data suggests god is mans desperate way to not feel alone and finite and to feel there is something more. The latter is for me much more plausible as to why people believe, it is easier to believe something can help, heal, save, or otherwise be there for you when it is all over than to think you came into this world on your own and will leave it that way and turn to ash and dirt eventually and that is it! That is a hard pill to swallow for many people but my belief.
Ironically, if I felt akin to any religion it would be scientology which I know sounds weird but it is because I have this theory that the reason there is a “missing link” is that there was once a planet with very intelligent beings and their planet was dying—let’s say for example they could only breathe Methane and on Earth they found semi-intelligent life but they themselves could not breathe the air. They then took our most intelligent creature, the Chimp, and spliced their genes with it, taught all they knew to it (think about the pyramids all over the world with little men and space suits? Or the map found of the entire earth that way predated Colombus? Drawings that are so precise but could only have been done from afar, etc). Anyway in the end they died out and left us to carry on. That is the only part of scientology I agree with.
That said Buddhism has no god so it is a philosophy and appeals to me. Today I am still detoxing but am much better than I have been. It is day 5 so I should be better yet by tomorrow.
I hope you do get to the AA meeting and do not beat yourself up, we do what we do because we are emotionally unhappy and use alcohol to medicate.
August 12th, 2008 at 11:14 pm
Thank you all so much,
So So glad I have found people who I can really open to.
I am sitting here -1 bottle down and just into the next(1 glug) if I go to bed now I will be okay tomorrow (1 bottle does not effect my next day)So sad to say that I can deal quite happy after 1 bottle(what a total piece of work for a mother of 2)
but now I want more wine- If I do- it will be shit in the morning but who cares really wanting to pour right now.
I so much with FH-I don’t see the kudzu working for me-if it the BUZZ I want which it is-it won’t work.
I can not be the drinker I want to become-’a social drinker’.
I drink alone hiding every trace that I drink, I do not sip nor enjoy the drink just want the BUZZ alcohol gives.
My husband is now snoring-stilll want that drink.
I don’t feel ready to go cold turkey just yet-got to plan this right time with work and child time-just wish that I could curl up into a ball and ride the storm of withdrawal.
thank you all so much for listening to me-
love linda
August 12th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
PS
did not go for another
crying now (really sobbing-thought it was for my dad,but sobbing for myself) want to be a better person.
I now realise that I am I am the one in control of my destiny, JUST GOT TO SET THE DATE FOR ABSTINANCE.
love to you all
Linda
August 13th, 2008 at 12:03 am
Sorry for the above,hit the wrong key.
just realised that I am a user on this site- only rant about myself without offering any support to others-don’t think this is really me. so sorry.
believe me I am usally a good listener- HONEST!
still have not reached for another glug(watching sex and the city repeats-totally love the show-maybe if I find a distraction-replace 1 addiction for another
Love to all
Linda
August 13th, 2008 at 2:27 am
Hi girls i’ve been following your posts for sometime - I read late at night whilst my bf is drunk in bed and his stories are so similar to yours so it helps me to relate.
He too just loves drinking too much to give it up - hes done it since he was 17 - he’s now 32 so its been quite an affair. The problem now is he has become so alcohol dependent he’s not had a job since March 2007 as he can’t go a day without getting wasted - I hope and pray for a rock bottom moment , something that will shock him into trying to cut it down at least.
He walked the dog last week and when he returned he was covered in mud, had bit his tongue and had pains in his legs - looks like he blacked out and had a seizure whist out walking but he still doesn’t want to admit that the booze taking control.
I really fear for him. - he tried the Kudzu and said that he didn’t notice any difference other than giving him chronic headaches… I was hoping for a miracle cure…
thanks for listening x
August 13th, 2008 at 3:32 am
dont worry linda, we all talk about how we’re feeling. its what the site is for.im sure you are a good listener. i went to the aa meeting tonight. was a little disappointed the the “youth” wasnt really my age, more 35 and up. there was one or two young people around 19! there were four rooms. i passed by and didnt know whiuch one to go in, but someone pointed me at the beginner room, which was the largest. beginner and peoplein there had been sober for up to a year about. everyone was so nice. overly nice. about five people talked about their stories. a person from another room said i might not like the beginner because they are just people talking about their alcoholic past for ya know, five ten minutes or so. i came out and saw that there was a womans room , and the other was considered a “closed” meeting. but they said i could go in there if i had wanted to. i guess it was for alcoholics only, and not alcoholic family members or friends. everyone was cheerful and happy wheni walked past the other rooms. the beginners room people seemed more uneasy. a man came over to me and knew i was new because i had asked which direction to go to and he said with a big smile, you know theres the womans room over here, u should go in there and meet some girls and exchange some numbers. they girls were cheerful happy and wrote down four of their numbers when he introduced me. they didnt ask for mine and i would have not given it if they did. he also said so this is your first time? i said ive been to a few here and there and he said oh yeah u gotta come t more than that! theres a lot of nice people here. not everyone but alot, some are a bit nutty. he just smiled the whole time. im gonna submit this before my comp shuts down as i have a bad virus
August 13th, 2008 at 3:36 am
i really did like it. i just wish there were girls in their twenties or early thirties moreson because i am loooking to meet people to hang out with. i dont know if those ladies would want to “hang” with me. lol but who knows. so tonight everything was very good hopless, positive. but, u know, that is one time. i havent experienced being in there for awhile. one of the woman in the womans grup that gave me her number said she’d be sober three years. i feel im gonna try to do this seriousally soon. when i feel VERY ready. i dont want to go an d attempt when im feeling like i am now, which is not quite ready to quit. because thenwhen i fail, ill not want to go again. well im tired, thank goodness kept away from the drinking today. wanted it and thought about it all day wanting that wine at night tnite…. goodnight ladies.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:16 am
Hello friends.
Have returned from holidays and read all your posts, seems like you have all had a tough time over the past couple of weeks. My long awaited holiday was fab - all you could wish for fantastic weather, lovely beaches, food etc etc - so why did I spend the first 10 days on a complete downer - well I did a lot of soul searching out there and a lot of talking with my husband who is an absolute star - so knowledgeable and supportive. I could kick myself now I am back that I was such a misery in such a lovely place and now that time has gone and I have a long wait until another break. I drank fairly heavily during the three days before going and because I had hardly touched any for so long I really felt ill the day we went and when I got there I just crashed out for about 6 hours whilst my husband and daughter went off to leave me to sleep. I drank everyday whilst there but not much, just half a bottle of wine a night and at the end of the second week nearly a bottle of wine a night. Started feeling very unwell some days. I did drink water all day every day which helped. Now I am back I am so depressed. I am taking St Johns Wort. Have Consultants Appointment this afternoon. I think I was pre-occupied with that and what the outcome of the investigations will be but I still have the pain in the right side and still feel acidy in my stomach and throat and slightly sick all the time. I know the cause of my depression is my relationship with my mother - it dominated my thoughts all the time I was away, knowing that when I came back I would have the usual conversation that I have had every day for as long as I can remember - i.e. - how ill she has been while I have been away. She hasn’t yet but I only have spoken to her once, but she will when I speak to her again. I need to tell her that I don’t want to hear it in a loving way but I am not strong enough, I still at my grand old age of 46 fear her disapproval and I know she will go into victim mode and make me feel guilty as she is now in her eighties. I also realised that I live my entire life in fear - I am afraid of something bad happening all the time, so every single thing I do in my life I think of the worst that could happen - even down to stupid every day things - my husband said it must be exhausting being me!!! It is - and it is one reason I get down as I can enjoy nothing - with the exception of drinking as it lifts my mood, makes me happy, gives me pleasure and relaxation - and now it is blindingly obvious that I have an illness of some sort as a result of years of drinking and I am sure the Dr is going to tell me I have to quit totally. I feel that if he said I can carry on in moderation - i.e. sticking to the14 units a week I could do that but if he says I have to stop forever that is such a hard task when the rest of my life is so miserable - but the stupid thing is looking at my life as an outsider anyone would say it is perfect - nice home, good well paid job, lovely husband, lovely child, pets, no money worries - so why am I so down all the time - this is the worst I have felt for ages - still in dressing gown as can’t be arsed to wash and dress - should be catching up with backlog of work but can’t be bothered knowing the pressure that is going to put me under. I have some light at the end of the tunnel. Been looking into CBT and I think this could really help me. I am also going to see a psychologist who we do a lot of work with professionally as I think that if I sort my head out my life will be transformed.
This is all about me which makes me feel selfish but reading all your posts I so get where you are all coming from and that feeling every day of alcohol dominating thoughts and actions - that is exhausting for us all - and there is a reason probably different for all of us - maybe you could all look into CBT and see if it may help you in any way. There is a different answer out there for all of us.
Incidentally I didn’t listen to my The Drink Less Mind while I was away and I wonder if that was why I drank again - I am going to start on it again as I do firmly believed that this touched my subconscious - I would encourage you all to try and get it and have a go - it is worth a try.
Hugs to you all xx
August 13th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Linda-I can relate to your despair. I just had such a bender and more consequences that I finally decided I have to obstain. It is a hard decision especially as I am soon to see a dear friend who loves to share a bottle (she can share a bottle) of wine over dinner then I make an excuse to get an extra glass or two, then make an excuse for an after dinner drink, or two, then we end up out or we go back and while she is in the bathroom I down a bit of whatever she has laying around. So I am going to have to find a good reason not to be the happy wild me she thinks she knows.
Lulu-he needs to hit bottom himself. If you are supporting him, kick him out. I once took action and got more sober when I was kicked out of someone’s place I was staying with who was virtually supporting me. But bottom is very personal and requires a lot of emotional sadness, like what Linda is going through—Linda I think you are almost there!
As for Jen–I am glad you liked it and hope you keep going if it can get you better. It is hard as I first tried it at 19 and to be honest most people are older! A LOT older and most people do not get sober until late 30’s or 40’s so friends are hard to come by. It is for me also another reason I do not relate so well as IF I am to give this all up I want something tangible, like sober friends or a cute guy at the meeting, not just older people who have their families or kids or lost them etc.
As stated, it is hard!
Worried glad you are back and feel so well.
A note to all, I am concerned Erica has not posted in a long time.
Anyway have a very busy day so please everyone take care of yourselves!
August 13th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
Well just back from Drs - very nice chap - I was totally honest about my 70 - 80 units a week for the past 30 years and he raised his eyebrows slightly but was very supportive. Anyway he gave me a lot of encouragement. Thorough examination of abdomen and said he feels nothing that give his any hint of swollen liver and all sorts of other things he looked for which aren’t there. He said that my tests did show raised levels of all sorts of things which can be caused by things other than alcohol but in view of my history it was likely to be alcohol. My bilirubin is high but he said it may just stay at that level for ever because it may be the right level for me. He was pleased that my ALT had halved in a year and said that showed that although my liver was obviously having to work very hard he did not think I had cirrhosis with a reduction of that amount - what a relief!!! However, something he acknowledges is going on and he needs to get to the bottom of it so I have to have ultrasound scan and an endoscopy in two weeks time when they will look at everything inside and determine if what is happening. I have to abstain from alcohol for 3 months so that they can check my blood once a month to see if all my levels reduce month on month and if so that shows it was the alcohol. I can then (subject to them finding nothing bad inside of me) start to drink again but at safe levels of 14 units a week and then have a blood test after 2 months to see if my levels have stayed where they are. So in all I feel relieved, although the thought of no drink at all for three months is a scary thought. As my drinking is due to my emotional state I have to get that sorted out as well - so the next 6 months is make or break time for me.
Having said all that - I would urge everyone on here to be honest with their Drs, get tested and be brave and see where you are health wise. This has scared me so much and feeling so unwell all the time - not through hangovers etc - but just from the constant poisoning of my body - has made me really want to be better. When I did abstain eventually after about 3 - 4 weeks I did feel better and I think if I could stick at that for a really long time I would feel so much better permanently.
What was very interesting was the news from the Dr that comfrey tea and another one can’t recall name (but will find out) can permanently damage the liver and people have died as a result. Also black cohosh is bad for it and St Johns Wort can give raised results of liver function tests although it does not necessary cause damage. I am a great believer in herbal remedies but when you hear that it does make you wonder if you could be doing more harm than good.
Life does now seem as if it will be sooo boring without a drink to soften the edges of it all - but at least it is a life and if I carry on like i have been that life will be cut short without a doubt.
August 13th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Oh one more thing - when I was reading back through the past two weeks postings someone asked about the online counselling through this site. I enquired about it a very long time ago and filled in all the questionnaires etc but no-one ever got back to me to take it any further which at the time was disappointing.
August 13th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Worried I am glad you are ok!
As for why the counselling did not get back to you, I also noticed Dr. Diaz has not made an appearance in quite some time so perhaps it is just the way it is right now and the site is self-running. Shame that you spent all that time and never got as much as a comment.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:45 pm
Thank you all
FH you are great
Still planning the big withdrawal-I plan to get 1 week off very soon-Can’t deal with it on a school night/work day..
forward planning hubby said he will get leave to help .
question??
can i get something to help me sleep during withdrawal without seeing my GP really don’t want to confide in my GP-too much shame having 2 young boys & they will judge me,
anything herbal/over the counter that would help,I really mean it ,your suggestions as ever would help
your thoughts as always greatly apperciated
Love to you all-Linda
August 14th, 2008 at 2:48 am
Linda-if you have any friends with valium (diazepam) I can tell you how to do an at home detox. That said, you could always go to a private doctor and pay and just tell them what is going on, it is thus not on NHS records. If you are really desperate, then you can also go on the internet and buy diazepam (make sure it is not valium as that is even more expensive as it is the original not the generic) and though it will cost a fortune you need no more than about 40 tablets max (10mg are best).
It is far too dangerous to detox with no medical help if you are drinking daily as you are. You could have seizures, dts, and die. Alcohol and benzos (valium/diazepam is a benzo) are the only two things that you can actually die from detoxing from. The reason they use valium in detoxing alcoholics is that it has the same effect on the brain in terms of slowing your gaba (that is where the relaxed feeling comes from and why the hyper feelings of shaking when we detox).
I would recommend foremost to see a private doctor, if you are too shy, you could google “Buy diazepam” and try and find an unscrupulous pharmacy (and they do overcharge as these are drugs of addiction too). Other option is if you know anyone in Spain or going there have them send you some, you can literally walk in the pharmacies and get some there.
Over the counter stuff won’t work. Last resort is a slow alcohol detox which is the old fashioned way. Let’s say you drink a bottle of wine a night, well drink all but a bit and have hubby pour the rest out night 1. Night two measure a bit less, and three a bit less, etc.
That is how they used to do it before there were pills but diazepam or chlordiazapoxide are the two best pills for the job and best done medically. (Not all doctors are versed in it so you may even want to seek a private special clinic). You need what is called a loading dose—this is about 40mg or so, quite a bit. Then every time your body starts feeling shaky, take a dose but not until you need it. Then slowly by day 3-4 you should be on one a night max and stop!
This will ensure no seizures and no dts. Problem is without seeing your vitals I cannot tell you really what loading dose is best for you as I would really best need to know how your pulse is a few hours after your last drink as well as b/p. It is easy enough to do but best done by those who know. I am on day 6 for example but still on the valium because I have a history of withdrawing and have withdrawn so often I cross addicted to the valium so I am now weening off of that too. But at least it is 6 days no drink! I was lucky enough to have bought a lot of it in Thailand knowing I use it to detox myself but I also have a lot of medical knowledge and it can be dangerous and you really should NOT drink on it nor should you be passing out, drowsy is ok and restful but not passing out!
You do not know how my heart truly goes out to you as I know the pain of this disease all too well and my biggest desire when I found this site was to become a “social drinker” with some magical Kudzu—but it was not to be and I think realistically Kudzu is just a modern day “potion” being sold to the desperate if I am honest.
August 14th, 2008 at 6:01 am
ugh, i just wrote a long hi to everyone specifically and i have viruses like crazy on my computer and it was just deleted and not posted.. so frustrating!! especially bc i am exhuasted. well, i am going to summarize quickly.. hopless glad your sticking to the af period, i completely agree about wanting a cute boy to be in aa with me and some girls that will do non alcoholic fun things that i could become close with.. was disappointed, however i didnt get into the other rooms and briefly saw some younger looking people, so who knows. next time! im not going until i have another terrible bender where i am MOTIVATED. i am not right now and have been doing ok the past few days, however, im sure i will have a horrifying night one night, i just hope its not around my family, that i dont drive, and not around my bf.
linda use unisom over the counter.. i was surprised to learn it was an antihistamine, similar to bendaryl and tylenol pm, minus the tylenol. worked fine for ten yrs and i came off of it with no withdrawel but a bit of insomnia.. ten years though. worried, glad your liver isnt to bad.. i was surprised to learn mine wasnt bad either and everything was normal according to the doctors. ( wont be in ten years!)
August 14th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Hi Jen–I know that feeling actually as I have written long emails only to have them deleted.
I agree about the AA thing but you need to commit to yourself not anyone else, not to want to drink again. It sounds like you are not really ready which I understand as like Linda I wanted to be like everyone else, a social drinker.
Unisom is actually the same as benadryl. I use it to sleep BUT it is not good for alcohol withdrawal as an antihistamine affects anorger part of the brain, only a benzo will stop the gaba from causing a seizure or slow alcohol reduction.
BTW NEVER take Tylenol, (paracetemol in UK) as it is the most dangerous thing for the liver and alcoholics can literally go into liver failure with half the normal dosage of a normal person. Tylenol, acetaminophen aka paracetamol in UK is the most damaging substance to your liver, more than alcohol, it is the one thing that can cause your liver to die in days!
An update to my thief one night stand guy—I just went to look for something in my laptop case and it too was gone. I am not so concerned about a laptop case but I have been known to put important documents in there at times now I am worried about identity theft! I think as the days go on I am going to find more and more things this asshole has stolen from me!
August 14th, 2008 at 2:44 pm
F.H. Have you reported this theft to the Police, could you identify him - he shouldn’t get away with it -
August 14th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
I could identify him but have no number or address so it is hopeless. The police admitted chances of catching him are non-existent. That is why getting drunk and having one night stands and waking up robbed is certainly a time you must ask yourself if your drinking controls you or you control your drinking and assess whether it is time to stop. This sent me on a bender and in turn I hit a bottom now that I do not think I will soon forget. I am now abstaining from alcohol as I am tired of DUI’s, one night stands, getting dumped because my drinking scares a guy off, being robbed because my choice in men is so poor when I am inebriated etc.
I just have to suck it up unfortunately! I believe what goes around comes around but that said I think I also needed this to happen to me and truthfully, I am glad he was just a thief, who knows what he may have been another time. I am alive and that is what is important, things I can get back and I have signed on today to an identity theft site that monitors and guarantees nobody can steal your identity so now should any cards be applied for, I must be contacted first and give out tons of personal details to allow it to proceed. So he may well have personal info, but there is now no way he can use it!
Oddly it was a good thing that happened to me as it started me to see that I cannot drink socially and my life is out of control on alcohol when you are so passed out that someone can go to another room in your house, rummage through your handbag and wallet, look through all your drawers, take what they want and leave and you never as much as wake up AND have four dogs who likely did bark!
August 14th, 2008 at 11:55 pm
thank yo so much FH
what a mentor you are,
only after reading your response to my post do I realise how serious my withdrawal problem is going to be.
got quite emotional after reading your comments-
love as always
Linda
August 15th, 2008 at 12:19 am
Linda the compassion comes from being there over and over. I really hope this time I have beat it, realistically I wish there was a way to social drink but I just cannot. As stated, I think many of us come here with the hopes that this will be the magic potion to turn us back into normal drinkers. The studies, even by their own admission only say actually that some people drank slower and less, not a lot less, just less. Hardcore “I like the buzz/drunk” like us do not get the effect because we may slow down the first drink or two but we still seek what we seek.
All this said, as much as I want to see it, I still really cannot see my life being totally alcohol free. I cannot imagine, for example, when I am with a good friend in a couple weeks that I will not want to have some wine with dinner…or go out. BUT I know where it leads me so for now I am taking a long time off and I am going to do all the research I can on how to reset my chemistry. THAT to me is the key. If I can learn to be more adult in the ways alcoholics are immature, and learn to change my gut flora and brain chemistry back with vitamins etc. then there is a possibility I could “cure” myself. But I am not willing to risk it. I want to take a good long time, like a year or more, and not drink and see how living is without it. It has gotten me into way too much trouble between DUI’s the latest is the scariest to me—-unprotected sex with someone who then robs you blind when your passed out drunk….cannot be worse. That was a bottom. A week of a binge following that and then days of detoxing only now feeling somewhat human!
I cry too, for us all, as we are all good people with a bad problem. I am very concerned about Erica too as she has not posted in ages.
Big hug Linda and know you are not alone, and you are not the first to walk through this scary door.
August 15th, 2008 at 10:00 am
Hi everyone,
Sorry to have been “away” for a while. I can’t get to my pc at home at the mo and I’ve had an unbelievably manic week at work - and it continues today.
Worried - nice to have you back. I completely understand your issues with your parent - I have craved the same approval my whole life and yet feel I have always failed the grade. I’m not sure why. I am 48 and still seek that approval. If I have ever treated myself or my home to anything nice, the response has always been “it’s no wonder you never have any money” and yet even now, when I don’t have any particular money issues, the response is still the same - except more often now it’s “well I suppose you HAD to buy some new clothes - you are getting SO big”. That really hurts - am I unaware that my weight has ballooned?? Would anyone be ‘happy’ about that? Certainly I do not need reminding. I just take it - quetly usually - and feel a failure. My Sister has managed 2 children and kept a lovely figure - I am so pleased for her, and I love her dearly - I just wish Mum wouldn’t untactfully draw a comparison - but then she always has. School was the same - I hated school - big Sis loved it and excelled. I took the real hard route. I flunked school and all exams, but I had such a determination to make something of myself I have worked bloody hard to get to where I am now, I don’t feel I’ve done badly considering - good job - good income - own home all self funded.
Anyway - it’s a burden, it always has been and always will be. I love my parents and that will never change either. It’s a case of accepting that some things will always be a certain way I guess.
FH - deary me - you’ve been to hell and back and back and back. Does sound as though you have summond up some resolve now and you are fighting back - good on you - keep it up. I can’t help thinking that “going out” to work would be a better option for you at the moment if that would be at all possible. Routine’s are not always such a bad thing - and I believe we (those of us with this problem) need a routine to keep us “controlled”.
Today I have a thick head - I had tried to be controlled of late, but it’s been in fits and starts - things at home are manic at the moment - my house is having alot of work done and it’s been in a complete filthy mess for around 7 weeks now and I’m running out of patience - no point in cleaning up til all the workmen finally go, but after work I just walk in and my mood plummets and I head straight for the fridge. Unfortunately I attacked my “Becks” stash last night - 9 bottles I think. In my defence I had a very sad evening with my sister - her little life is much less happy that I realised. I lay awake worrying about her all night - no doubt 9 bottles of Becks also didn’t assist my lack of sleep!
Well - I have to get back on with work as the **it is flying around here at the mo.
My wish to everyone - keep motivated to win this battle. As FH says, we are good peoople with a bad problem but that does not make us bad people.
Live, love, and listen to your inner voice, for generally it is right.
Erica xxx
August 15th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Erica I am glad to hear you are alive.
Funny about the parental approval as I am the “smart one” and frankly, the “better looking one” I have the figure of Madonna ca 1990 (not the manly figure she has now but a very toned figure with little body fat and a yoga firm body) and have always managed more or less on my own. My sister has been dependant on my family most of her life and she is only three years younger than me. YET I have always got “less” from my parents and always been “second” when anything was given out so to speak. It has been extremely hurtful and I hate it to be honest. I have sought approval from my family too but when they see me it is always a complaint—”why can’t you wear more conservative clothes” and “why do you have to dress so provocatively” etc.
It is hard! I do so understand all of you! If only parents knew how they affect they childrens lives.
That all said—Erica I would not be happy in a job in an office. I did that for a long time and to me it was actually more dangerous because of the field I am in drinking after work becomes a daily routine so as bad as my benders have been, it did not control me what it did was make me wonder who I slept with, snogged, etc, what rude things I said to who, what lies I may have made up etc.
Right now I am in a great place. I am taking back my life. I have detoxed not only from alcohol but also from smoking and have also started to detox from my valium cross addiction. Last night I had a dream for the first time in ages which signals a REM sleep which I do not think I have had in ages.
I have not touched a drink at all since last week Thursday, FRIDAY 8 August is the day I put it down and have not picked it up again and have no desire nor intention to. I also, while things are going awful for me workwise, have made smarter decisions to take care of myself and do things that are important to and for me. I am, even if it is going on plastic, replacing what was lost (stolen) because it makes me feel like I am regaining my life as well. I am happy for the first time in ages and feel like there is some hope out there for me! I REALLY do not want a drink, I am actually repulsed by the very thought of drinking at the moment!
I have not done a lot, if any, work this week but I needed this week as a “recoiling” week if I am honest and have promised myself next week I will take everything on head on workwise because the economy looks grim. That all said I just do feel elated as I think my senses are slowly coming back and my synapses are starting to work and I have hope again which I have not had in a VERY long time!
Linda I hope you take the path you want and get yourself detoxed. It hurts, it is emotional, it is physically difficult but it is better than living in perpetual regret, depression and hangover land.
To ALL—Hugs and Hopes!
August 15th, 2008 at 3:04 pm
Hopless, so proud of you! And its great that your not starting to die for a drink. i know, my mind starts to feel better after not drinking for a week or so. and guys m yparents have treated me exactly how you say yours treated you. like shit. well, my dad. but my mom is sweet to me.. but she is mentally ill and a different person. we think its somewhat skitzephrenia. but its a happy skizephrenia, not a violent , mentally/physically abusive one. that started wen i was about 12.
ive been talking to a girl through emails that has severe alcohol problems probably worse than me, she drank a certain amount of vodka on benders.. she is currently taking a year off and sticking to it besides one night which she gave herself to get drunk because of the stress she was going through! i believe she went back to it. but she is trying to change her brain chemistry and is hoping possibly a year off will do it.. what exactly happens after a year? from what ive heard when you go back to the alcohol, things slowly go back to the way you were before you stopped the break right? thats what ive heard. i have only taken a month off. and after a few weeks it went back to bad again. so im wondering
August 15th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
F.H. Well done you - that is fantastic news, it is so great to hear your determination to succeed.
Yes I think we probably all have parent issues, I am going to get some counselling to help me deal with mine as it definitely has a lot to do with where I am today.
I have now had letter from Consultant explaining all and it was very reassuring, have to have the endoscopy on the 26th August in the afternoon - dreading it really!!! Have opted for the one where they make you forget all about it but I want to be knocked out and be unaware of it altogether. I have to be tee total for at least 6 weeks and preferably 10 - 12. My Dr has to do LFTs every month to see if my LFTs improve. Went to see my Dr today as stomach is very acidy and I feel very depressed. He has prescribed the tablets I had before for my tum and also anti-depressants to help me through this period of time as he could see how low I am. Only had anti-depressants once for about 3 months some 13 years ago. They are Citalopram. I want something to help me through this time but have to be “with it” because I have to drive daily and I have a job where I need to be on top of the game. Read about the side effects and they are scary scary - your opinion F.H. would be greatly appreciated - I think you know more than most Drs, as one thing it says is don’t drink if you have liver or kidney problems and until I have had the tests they don’t know if I have either of these.
Anyway have booked a holiday for October to cheer myself up a bit!!
Keep strong all of you and F.H. - you are such an inspiration to all of us, it feels like if you can stick at this abstinence then we can all follow along behind you and do so as well.
August 15th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
Well thank you Worried! You know what is funny I am not a great believer in god as you all know (especially Jen whose head I almost bit off—sorry for that) but I do think part of my journey needs to be spiritual. I therefore contacted the Kabbalah Centre as I am a superstitious person, despite my lack of belief in god and always have worn a red string, long before Madonna made it fashionable as I was taught when I was young red strings ward off the evil eye…which is actually weird as that is what the Kaballah said. BUT since I have had so much shite luck I decided to go and order the REAL red string from Israel on the Kabbalah Website. I did and decided to order a book called the secret for an extra 14.95—talk about how luck changes when you get positive—they screwed my order up, so I called and said I had meant to order both and could you please add this to my order. The girl was named Rebecca and said to me, “let me void this order and go back and order it and enter this code and we will send you free the book the Secret”. That was a result!
The Secret is apparently about how we perceive all bad in our life in the wrong way and how sending out positive energy brings it back to use. Funny enough, I went today and replaced my laptop carrier, was going to go for an expensive one I really cannot afford and ended up with a cheaper one because the girl working there whispered “don’t take that one, it is too bulky and hurts, there is a cheaper one that is much nicer and better fabric and same amount of space with a padded strap, I have it and love it”. So I got that one.
I parked in a carpark (parking lot) and had paid a ticket for X hours but only stayed Y—this was before all this happened to me by the way, and I had like three hours left and everyone was vying for a space so I saw someone who had been seemingly driving a while, and looked lonely, told them to come over and I had a space, and also gave him my parking ticket so he did not have to pay which he was very appreciative of.
I am feeling oddly positive and yes, we all have parent problems but we need to sometimes be our own parents and that is what I am hoping I will learn from this book and giving myself a bit of spirituality, I already read a lot on Buddhism and know the power of being giving for the sake of giving not for getting anything back.
The bloke who dumped me because of my drinking had a DVD of mine and I had a book of his which he rudely asked me for on Saturday night via text when I was in the throws of withdrawal. Today I texted him and asked him if he wanted to do the swap, he said yes. I was very positive, smiled, wished him luck even if he was not at all nice and in fact was cold. I will not let people hurt me anymore, that is a choice we make.
Worried, Citalopram is NOT something you want. It is a selective seretonin re-uptake inhibitor. It is good for some things but not all by a long shot. If you are severely depressed, take it. BUT these meds have a tendency to cause insomnia so if you already have it they worsen it. They also can make you sweat profusely, cause diziness, nausea, among other problems. I would not recommend them unless you are very depressed. I would take l-tryptophan for both sleep and during the day frankly as it does much the same as SSRI’s though doctors do not like to admit it. St. Johns Wort is a waste, btw, it is something that also can make you MORE depressed if you are alcoholic and can cause more liver problems.
Jen—the year off. I drank two bottles of vodka a day for a year and ate perhaps once a week. I lived on alcohol and when I went to detox was told, or rather my parents as I was only 19, were told they never saw anyone with such a high BAC and depleted vitamins and electrolytes still alive. I was kept sedated for a week practically, and I mean catheter, not get out of bed, just constant benzo drip, then slowly onto pills after the week then slowly off the pills. I was VERY bad in terms of my drinking and it was to do with having just left home and starting to come to terms with the emotional and a lot of other physical and psychosexual abuse I suffered…the burdens we carry! This is when my body chemistry changed into that of an alcoholic. At one point, after relapsing several times, I did manage 1.5 years sober in AA. I then decided I did not need it, was too young and wanted to be like everyone else. In the beginning I was. I could drink normally again, or at least semi-normally. enough so that it really was not a problem and no different than anyone my age. I DID, obviously, progress back to where I am.
What I wonder though is if I tackled my emotional demons, and knew then what I know now about brain chemistry and bowel chemistry (yes odd enough) If I could not do the year plus and eat in such a way and take just the right supplements to actually change the chemistry permanently. Joan Larson has done a lot of work in this area in terms of treating alcoholics with a 75% success rate (google her name as I am not sure links are welcome here). She had lost her son to it and researched, oddly, many of the same issues I see that alcoholics have physically. My question would be, could a programme such as this coupled with dealing with psychological reasons to drink too much and a year sober recover some non-genetic alcoholics. I believe the answer is yes!
Anyway I am glad to be an inspiration to those of you who feel inspired by my renewed committment and can tell you I have absolutely NO desire for a drink. That is NOT to say that I will not and will not want one, I already see situations coming up when I will—but I am going to resist for my body, and mind. I think I will attract more positivity into my life by not always being either drunk, hungover, or recovering from a bender.
Hugs and Hopes!
August 17th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Erica is so right,
its the inner voice we fight with so much.
it’s the better person within us all who is struggling to gain control/see sense once we have started drinking.
if only i could arrange a meeting with the person i feel first thing in morning-(full of regret and self loath), with the person i feel at night- my party self, a person where alcohol takes over and WHO CARES about the morning-you can deal with it you always do!
I wanted another wine tonight at 9.30, after drinking 1 bottle already, but have now resisted nearly 2 hours, it would se silly to go for it-last 2 hours would have been wasted.
this is a journey to find/free the inner better person.
Thank you so much to you all- this site has been my godsend.
Love to you all as always Linda.
August 18th, 2008 at 12:43 am
Linda-the truth is that it is really not a fight anymore if you surrender. I do not mean this in the AA cult way but two things I do agree with are surrender and realising that alcohol is controlling us we are no longer controlling alcohol.
There is something liberating in realising that you do not NEED a drink. I have had nothing now for 10 days and I feel very good and I have no intent on having anything and for the first time in ages have no desire to have anything. It is a journey and the journey is within and unfortunately you need to get to a point where—for example like me—you wake up not remembering if you had safe sex with some stranger to find he also robbed you because you were so passed out, go on a subsequent pity bender for a week then feel so bad and are living unshowered with dog poo and pee all around you and an overflowed toilet that you need to clean just to shower and have the shakes when you stop drinking. The first days are hell, but you come out the other side stronger and with different resolve because you know you do not want to be where you were.
There is no good or bad me, there is me, I like my drink, too much, I like myself too little. To just stop is hard but as stated once you are through the worst of it all you feel that much better. BUT then you have to live with you and your insecurities, your negative feelings, your anxieties and the reasons you drink. I am only just starting that journey but if I could do it, ANYONE can. I have not felt better than I do in a long time, in fact ironically I am a bit unwell (sick american english) and was even on antibiotics, illness is something else to almost always expect during the initial detox process as well just so you know. For some reason your body naturally is overloaded with toxins it releases that it has been storing and your stressed and your immune system weakens so I have had a sore throat and felt a bit fluish but now I am starting to feel better but even through that, I felt better than when I was drinking.
I know I have managed this kind of “time off” before so people logically may ask—when is she going to slip up now? But the truth is I made a committment to myself this time that I am taking a long time off if not at least a year or more. I may try my hand again when I think I have conquered both some of my pyschological and physical reasons for overdoing it, but as of now I am long away from there. I am happy to wake up regret free, not having to check my outgoing texts, emails or worry about who I called and what lie I told. I am happy to not be grumpy toward my dogs when I have to walk them or to feel sick and shaking all day. In general I just feel a release in a way because this time I did not say—ok I am going to only drink during X Y Z—which is what led me to all the benders, but this time I said I am done, I surrender to alcohol for now as it has the upper hand on me not I on it!
I need time to regroup and uncloud myself. Linda hang in, when you are ready you will surrender to it. In any event, I hope all of you are fighting the demons as best you can!
When I was at University I read a book in a Latin American Studies course called: Alcohol-The Devils Drug. The native peoples were so unaccustomed that they would consume it constantly almost instantly and it was about how the Spaniards used them via coca leaves and alcohol to work them to death because they were too numbed out to resist anything. In a way we also are slaves to a substance, sad but true!
Love to all of you!
August 18th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
ugh guys. posting with sadness as usual. hopeless, its amazing how your doing. linda, im pretty much just where your at! worried, how are you doing? anyone else i forgot, let me know!
its just getting worse and worse. i never thought it would become like this. the benders..they are becoming more and more frequent, it just seems i am now drinking everyday, and often in the morning starting again. i can see my friends are noticing, as im diong it in front of them. friday i went to a bar with my bf and right in front of him i was telling the bartender how good looking he is and “are you married?” i said to him. he said yes. the honest truth is i didnt like him. hes older, but for some reason i was just telling him that he was good looking and humiliate dmyself. i told my bf he was hitting on me ( this is what he told me) and he went up to the bartender and asked if he said this and that to me. the bartender denied it. im not sure what really happened as i dont remember if i made it up or not.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
(i have to keep submitting what i write because my comp keeps crashing on me sorry)
so that was that night. and the next few days i guess i held off drinking till maybe five pm. but im so worried about what my friends think of me.. im doing it front of them. i know the one from yesterday is noticing since ive hung out with her everyday and everyday ive started the drinking… its soooo embarassing and im one to worry so much about what those in my life are thinking- ESPECIALLy with alcohol. im a real people pleaser always tryin to make sure they are liking me.. for whatever reason. its funny though, i coudl give two shits what people i dont know think-like i go out in my pj’s looking like crap if im getting food or whatever.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:37 pm
so on top of that im doing the drinking and driving constantly. i always FEEL like i can see straight, like im fine. but the next day when i wake up im like no, theres no way i could have been fine … im not exactly sure if i am considered drunk, but i knwo for sure im OVEr the limit. i now have a job. so unfortunately i think i must get that thing to put in my car.. my dad said per year “thats alot of money” but u know what , its scary as hell.. its not IF im gnona get caught , its when. or kill someone.
so i keep having the i have to stop thoughts… right now i feel im very close to rockbottom. i feel it right now actually. the desire to stop. HOWEVER, this always happens the day after these drinking benders. and then two days later i feel good and craving it again and dont want to give it up. i know myself and i know thats whats going to happen, therefore i dont do anything about it.. im a mess right now. very very depressed. my boyfriend HATES me. we have a horrible relationship as it is, but both of us have alcohol issues and we get physical constantly. he is controlling. he hates me because of the drinking.( hes not as bad as me-yet ironically if it wasnt for him i dont think i would have started drinking everyday for awhile longer)
August 18th, 2008 at 3:40 pm
im so depressed right now, i think of suicide and it feels nice.. however i wouldnt go there because of my faith. but if it wanst for my faith, i would do it. its so sad that i can say that yet and be so low, then why not stop drinking? when i think of life without alcohol, i just think of boring blahness. i also feel im young. ( 26) and like no one my age is this bad.
I feel i am going to stop shortly. i really feel that soon im going to go to aa and im going to work the steps and have a sponsor, etc. alcohol controls me now. Not the other way around. and its ruining my life.. it IS my life. i cant live with the embarassment,the regret. it has to end and i am going to do it soon.
August 18th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
Jen-you are where I was. It just kept getting worse, I made stories up and would tell lies and then afterward have to go back and fix the lies I told friends. I drunk texted, drunk emailed and drunk called so many people–at one point I even told a friend I was pregnant–told someone my brother died, I have done all sorts of humiliating things while drunk. For me a younger guy leaving me because of my drinking and then having a one night stand with someone who robbed me blind because I was so passed out and then having a 6 day bender and letting my dogs use my home as a toilet and then backing up my toilet cleaning it etc. led me to just say enough.
My honest advice is that you should really consider two things, if your relationship is as bad as you claim, take a break at least and tell him you need to get your head around your drinking issues. Second—stop. I was at the point where I was drinking 24/7 neglecting all other aspects of my life and my benders were lasting 5-7 days at a time with a week off in between them.
I know everyone has a different bottom but your suicide comment tells me you were where I was which is as close to bottom as you can be. I had a DUI already, I was in jail, I had a neighbour call the police thinking I od’d and was “sectioned” (forcefully put in a psych ward for 4 days) all in the last year. It was a fast downward spiral from someone, who though in my past had these and worse benders, more recently until the last year and a half was just a one night a week heavy drinker that “partied too hard” and “talked shit” when I partied.
A week ago Friday was the last of it and I never have felt better. The truth is that it is anything but easy but I really have NO desire right now to drink. I also had to meet that guy and return a book and get a dvd he borrowed and honestly had no ill feeling toward him but in a way was grateful that he dumped me and all that happened happened to me as it woke me up. Right before I stopped I cried and also thought how easy suicide would be—there is a way out of this that does not involve death—and that is abstain. Nobody is condemning you to forever. Researchers finally are looking at treatments for this, I do believe that a year or more of abstinence and dealing with the chemical imbalances and psychological issues can restore us to normal drinkers, and all you need to do is stop TODAY. Just tell yourself when you want a drink, not now. After a few days you will start to feel better and better and soon you will not miss it as you, like me, and Linda I think, have reached your emotional end with it, it is taking its toll and more of a chore than it is an enjoyment!
Love yourself enough to stop.
August 18th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Thank you Hopeless, you are so wise and choose the sweetest things to say for advice. wish we all lived near eachother!
i live on long island, ny by the way, where do you all live?
i will have to stop. i am. and a good way to think of it is like you said, maybe in the future they will have better ways to deal with this… how far into the future do u think?
lol
talk to you later as i mope around at babysitting. gotta take care of these brats but im hungover as hell.
August 19th, 2008 at 3:22 am
Jen-I am a pro at beating myself up, I can tell you stop beating yourself up, you are a good person with a real problem. It is not something that is a character flaw or defect, it is real, your chemistry has changed and your body is reacting to that. It is not a question of willpower, it is a question of being in enough pain to need to stop. That is where I was 11 days ago now—but believe me, you may not yet have gotten to where I have been—taking weeks at a time not working or earning anything because I freelance and work from home and was either drinking 24/7 or going through a withdrawal then as soon as I felt better drinking again for another week straight—and I mean 24/7-go to sleep with the bottle next to me so I could swig some wine when I woke in the middle of the night to just get “passed out again” and my first trip was in my car three streets down to get to the market and get myself two or more bottles of wine more. You know what my bottom was and I will tell, I saved my job today because technically, they got rid of me.
Last week I was too busy withdrawing to work and in far too much pain emotionally and physically and the weeks before were consecutive weeks of drinking one week on one semi off-no work. I went to log into the intranet today and no longer could use my password or my username, it just kept saying invalid. I emailed and called the company and they told me to call and speak to the “big boss” who wanted to know why I had not been on so long. I managed to talk my way out of it and basically got reinstated but needless to say I will be working my ass off in the weeks to come now.
I live in FL btw but lived and grew up mainly in Europe though I am a dual national.
It is not wisdom by the way, it is pain. I learned from investigating my own pain and this whole alcohol thing and have concluded that after a time we are bio-chemically changed (though some people are born that way and they will not likely ever drink normal). I do believe a year to two of abstinence and learning to cope with life as well as resetting your biochemistry is the key to “curing” this disease. It is an allergy we develop and if we can reset our bodies we can likely drink normally but we also need to reset our minds. I think we are all afraid in some ways to face life on lifes terms-we are people pleasers like small children and yet we fear the adult world and feel uncomfortable in our own skins because of that. We just do not like responsibility and it is our way of regressing. The chemical aspect has to do with brain and gut (by gut I mean intestinal and digestive). We need to reset those things by supplementing with various supplements and take time to let our minds and bodies heal.
Perhaps when we master that, we can also master being social drinkers but Kudzu and all else is not going to work for us. We need abstinence for at least a year in my opinion and I am committed to that. I want to be the one that cures this horrible, devastating disease that is the only disease which someone hates themselves for having. Take a deep breath, take a minute at a time, and one step in front of the other and you will get there.
Start to respect yourselves and hold your head high and tell yourselves you can do it——believe me, if I can YOU all can!
August 19th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
FH - hear, hear to all that.
So glad you are reinforced again to really commit to this new phase. I’m sure we can all draw from your experiences and knowledge. You’ve really worried me along the way this last couple of months, but I honestly believe you have moved ‘on’ - and as you mentioned earlier, if you have a brighter more positive outlook, it really does seem to attract positivity.
Jen - don’t give up - if you need a life line - then you are fortunate enough to have this place to come. The drink driving thing really is a big time problem - but againly, sadly one I have to admit to. I don’t think I could live with myself if I killed anyone by drink driving, and yet I NEVER stop and think, unless I am literally going to a bar - then it crosses my mind that I might be breathalysed in the car park at closing time. I consider myself to be fairly intelligent and caring - I am far from wreckless in my day to day living and never take risks - and yet….after a couple….
Worried - how u doing? Settled back to “normal” life again? Doesn’t take long does it - for the holiday to wear off! (Not that I would know, I don’t have holidays these days!)
Dairy - where are you??? and Linda40
On a completely different subject does anyone have any knowedge or expereince of a gastric band? I am so terribly depressed about my weight and I know it’s compounding my drinking habits. It’s all a bit chicken and egg, but I guess if I could reduce the weight (by around 4 or 5 stone) then I would feel much much brighter in myself, and perhaps that would lift the spirits (no pun intended!) away from so much booze. Of late my mood is so very low, and I’m not sure which is getting me down the most, the weight or my abuse of booze to “lift” my mood (and of course it doesn’t anyway).
Well - I realise this site is not about weight issues, but if you don’t ask you never know!
Anyway - glad you sorted the work prob FH - show them what you can do!! they will be glad they didn’t lose you after all!
Love to all
Erica
August 19th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
Hi Erica-
Yes my resolve is very real now. I just really hit a bottom and bringing home a stranger, not remembering if we had safe sex, and waking to being robbed by him was a huge wake up call—though it actually sent me on my last bender. It is now 12 days since I touched a drop of alcohol and I have no desire or intention to touch any anymore for the foreseeable future unless a cure is found. Otherwise I am going to sort myself out emotionally and biochemically before I even consider a drink, and by then I may not want one.
Gastric band surgery is not something I would recommend for you. I think excercise would both increase your endorphines and also help you lose weight. I am not sure how overweight you are though but usually only the obese get this surgery. There is a new one though that is much less invasive. I do not know what it is called but I have seen it advertised on tv in USA.
As for your worrying Erica, I truly thank you. I have had a really bad two years and to be honest there is not really a sign of it getting better but I know if I stick to my abstinence I will see better days. Right now the economy makes my job, which involves sales as well, very hard and it seems as hard as I try I get nowhere. This is my first break today actually.
Having moved away from everyone I knew and being lonely here and just feeling emotionally isolated has not helped nor has dealing with my family issues which have gotten worse rather than better. The last two-three years have taken their toll on me and I have been very depressed and saw my drinking slowly spiral. To be honest, this is not the first job I lost (though I managed to save it so far) due to my drinking. The job I came here for I lost due to an email I wrote drunk on a Friday afternoon to a client that was indeed very rude and thus they told me on New Year’s Eve Day they did not want to re-new my contract. I hustled and got some more freelance jobs but the economy turned and thus far I have yet to prove myself and the every other week of drinking did not help. The shame was the other job was the one thing I did like here as it was very easy money as I did not have competition, all enquiries came to me and I got all commissions. I really did not have to do much either just a few hours a day and made a good living. Now I have yet to see any income this year! I have essentially been living off savings.
I then also had the DUI last August (drink driving in UK) was jailed and all and miraculously got off the charge after paying a fortune toward legal fees for my solicitor (usa lawyer). But it was far from a good experience and yes I totalled a car and first thing I thought as well as I sobered up was that if I had killed anyone I would have killed myself—so Jen, I agree with Erica, you need to sort out the drinking and driving.
Erica have you tried ALLI or Hoodia? Also you can fill up on fiber and bulking agents you get at health food stores, they will both clean out our gut and also make you feel full, a Hollands and Barrett would be able to assist you on that.
Once again to all I hope you are well and fighting this or better yet, stop fighting and surrender to it. Today we cannot control our drinking so why let it control us? It is time we let it go and again, if I can do it ANYONE can as I was having 24/7 week long benders every other week and now am going on two weeks without it and looking forward to not drinking for a long time to come if ever again! I like sober me better, I wake up feeling better, less grumpy, no wondering what I said or did, no “damage control” and no guilt or remorse.
August 20th, 2008 at 12:00 am
Hi jen,(hope you are feeling better in yourself)
we all fuck up and hate ourselves… your posting really hit me,
you sound so sad and desperate.
you have been so honest with strangers as I have done in this site, maybe this will be our salvation.
Really thinking of you now Jen,hoping you are ok
love Linda
August 20th, 2008 at 3:10 am
Linda-you also sound sad and desperate and I think all of us at some point or another have. This is a disease that makes us beat ourselves up—not just with the physical problems but worse yet emotionally. It robs us of all normal feelings and makes us into self-loathing people with low self-esteem and full of guilt and fear. I personally believe both you and Jen are close as can be to stopping! I can hear it just as I heard in my posts which Erica said she was worried about me, the time is nearing and it will come. There just comes a point where the damage is worse than the reward and you surrender to the damage and start to pick up the pieces of your life—and I think and hope you are both close.
I found this site because I was coming off a bender after my DUI I think in fact and just felt like I needed help but did NOT want to stop drinking as I saw it as such a part of my life—in fact I still do worry about how I will deal with meeting up with old “drinking” friends who are used to the fun “drunk me” who drinks and flirts and gets all the guys to our table or to surround us at a bar—when suddenly I do not want anything to drink. My worry is I will be tempted to live up to my reputation as the “cool party girl that acts 19 and can pull any bloke” (us translation pick up any guy) . What most of them do not know though is long after the party has stopped for them I usually part ways and go continue myself and do things I regret—IF I can remember what I did at all.
I think you should all go get two movies and sit by yourselves and watch them. The first is for Linda–”When a Man Loves a Woman” and the second is 100% for Jen-28 Days. I watched these on dvd while I was detoxing and cried so much seeing so much of myself in the characters and it was very cathartic. It was like 3am and naturally detoxing I was sweating and could not sleep a wink and shaking and just felt awful but watching the characters come to life as they slowly emerge from the depths of alcoholism, even if they do over do the “AA is THE only way” a bit too much in both films, really does give you hope that there is another side.
Linda and Erica and Jen and Worried and Dairy and all—if you cannot manage your intake, just try to stop for today, and then try to stop the next day for that day and take it every day by saying “I don’t need a drink today”. It really is a shitty 3-5 days but after that your perspective on alcohol changes as your dependance lessens.
Love to all of you and my best hopes for all of you—soon I will have to change my name from Hopeless, to Formerly Hopeless, to Hopeful! And I will never abandon this site because the sharing here is so much more honest and unabashed than what you can do at AA. You could never go to a meeting and admit you are actively using and not sure you wante(d) to quit and tell your stories without someone preaching to you about jails, institution or death and “come back when you stop” etc.
August 20th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Now stupid thing is posting when I don’t want it to!!!
Try again.
First Jen - you have to get out of that relationship. You stick in it because you have low self esteem - but you deserve so much better than an abusive situation. I speak from experience. I spent 3 years with an extremely violent man in my early 20s and the way I “coped” was through hard drugs and alcohol. It was hell extracting myself from it because he would not leave me alone after I left but I obtained Police protection and eventually he gave up after about a year. I cut down on the drugs but still used periodically particularly as I seemed to attract “that type” back in those days and stopped taking drugs completely in my early 30s, although I had significantly cut down from about 25. BUT I continued drinking as you all know. You will meet someone better but getting away from him is the first step to healing yourself. I have been hospitalised and my final straw was when he really did nearly kill me by strangulation and it was only because I am physically quite strong that I managed to escape, hiding under motorway bridges in the middle of the night from a man is no fun and I knew I had to extract myself - so before it gets that bad (and believe me it will get worse) or it may be that bad already - you must get out and then you will begin to heal. I could only face my life at that time by being totally out of it.
Erica - I agree with F.H. - operations are very expensive and dangerous, someone recently died in the UK from such an op. Like the alcohol a day at a time - even if you cut down slightly and do some exercise to raise those endorphins - as soon as you see a couple of pounds come off you will feel motivated. If you think it seems a long road just think how quickly the weeks come and go - by Christmas you could easily be 2 stone later and maybe even more if you really commit and exercise. I used to just manage my weight by using my evening meal calories in alcohol but have always ate healthily otherwise - so my extra 15lbs I carry should now easily come off because I am not drinking and eating healthily.
F.H. I am so with you on the socialising side. Like you I was always the center of attention when out, I am tall and quite amazonian in build so the guys were always around me and of course with the drink very unhibited. Before I had my daughter I was a total tart!!! I don’t actually regret it though and never did, I never beat myself up about what I did because my view was if its OK for the guys its OK for me - and sod what others thought about me. Looking back now it was dangerous but I guess in a small city where I live we all knew each other so felt fairly safe.
I used to have wild drinking benders back then with the guys and drink most of them under the table. Since then though, since having my daughter - I stopped as the care of her has always been at the foremost of my mind and that has never faltered - in fact she has probably been my saviour as I would no doubt still be living that life if not for her. She has only seen me drunk twice in 14 years and that was at proper parties and it was funny drunk.
My problem over the past 15 years has been drinking every single day without fail and so consuming 80 ish units a week so my poor level must be knackered as it has not had a break. I am now having to stop and amazingly am not struggling with it - my problems time like F.H. will be when I get into social situations. For e.g. my best mate and I are getting together the week after next and we normally have a good few drinks andI still want to be able to do that. Hopefully my results next week will be positive and I will be told that I can drink within safe limits. We had friends around last night and I couldn’t drink but what struck me for the first time is how little everyone else drank, just a couple of glasses, whereas normally I would have had two strong beers before them came and then a bottle + of wine during the evening and maybe even a liquor to polish off when they had gone. So it is just trying this stuff and then seeing it is not so bad after all.
Am going to post this before I say any more ……….
August 20th, 2008 at 9:56 am
F.H. Wanted to ask you about some medical stuff. I have now had a terrible headache for two days - a sort of tired, exhausted even feeling so much so I had to go to bed yesterday which is unlike me. Do you think that is part of detoxing? Also last week I had a couple of occasions where I was really shaky and weak and felt my mind was foggy - is that also detoxing. I felt better when I grabbed something to eat and drink - but when it happened I was not due food and was not particularly hungry.
One more thing I wanted to share with you was some stuff I have learned from a CBT book I have got and that is about “mindfulness” and living “in the moment”. I also got a book called The Power of Now - but it is blinkin hard work to read - good for insomnia!!! My Dr also mentioned it when I say him and basically it is about being present - so not thinking about the past or the future but experiencing everything you are doing “now” -it is really hard to do but you can try little things and i have been doing it this week and I feel so much better. You cannot help you mind drifting to the past or worrying about the future but you have to be aware of it and then look at yourself doing it - the visual they give is to see the thought as a car passing by so just experience it and then let it go - sorry if this sounds a bit like psychobabble - but I have found it so helpful and it has actually lifted my depression and I am not taking the anti-depressants that were prescribed for me. For e.g. I love the sun and warmth so this terrible weather I find depressing but instead of fretting and being cross about it I am trying to just enjoy what there is and marvel at nature in all its weird and wonderful ways - gosh I sound really “alternative” here and that is not me at all - but as I say it is hard but it is worth doing - so everything you do be aware of it - simple stuff like showering, washing your hands etc - so focusing on the warmth the smell of the soap - all those things we take for granted and ignore because we are constantly in the past (which we can’t change) or worrying about the future - which we can’t do much about anyway!!
Well sermon over.
One final thought. I couldn’t access this site at the weekend and actually realised how we all rely on each other and how awful it would be if it was stopped. We should have a back up place to catch up with each other as we would never find each other again.
Take Care xx
August 20th, 2008 at 10:47 am
Just wanted to say - my first post earlier you probably starts off with a strange sentence but I had sent two prior to that which the moderator has obviously deleted but the first one just said that I had done a very long post which when I submitted got lost in the mists of time and the second one was just to say that the site appeared to be having a bit of a mind of its own today as it posted my second one all on its own!
August 20th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Hi Worried–very insightful posts today! Even if the site posted on its own! On your first post–I am the opposite of you but the same. I am rather short, very thin but big busted with a body that resembles Madonna’s during the “Vogue” period (ie 1990 when she was toned but not terribly muscular) and have always attracted attention even in a track suit (american english sweatsuit). Even with no make up and when I feel ugly (because this is what my parents always told me–yes that I was unattractive so as to destroy my confidence and it took me years to realise how attractive men found me after a friend who was a model pointed it out to me as we would walk in a room and the men would come to me not her–odd but true). I also have a very sexual aura and never gave two shits about what other people thought. I would dance naked on bars, sleep with whomever I found attractive (at one point it was so bad that on a night out I would literally run into a club and just walk around to see who the best looking bloke (guy american english) was and then tell him literally–grab your coat you pulled (american translation—come on you scored now-as in come on lets go you just got lucky). I still do not regret my sex life and have a very Madonnaesque attitude toward sex–I feel very liberal about and frankly do not care what people say. People already always made comments-for example at jobs etc-that I looked like a porn star etc. So I may as well do what I want and I always have in that respect.
I also strongly agree Jen is in an emotionally abusive relationship, which is what I was brought up in and my parents were both horribly emotionally, psycho-sexually, and physically abusive to me. Jen you do need to get out.
Worried like you I worry as I am going to be in London with a friend of mine who I always drink with. It is always over dinner, and usually starts with a bottle of wine, then she is done but I make an excuse to get another bottle usually or if she refuses the pressure (and the second bottle is almost all going to me) then I will order single glasses maybe two or three more—then I will make an excuse to get an after dinner drink and then if we go on it gets worse from there if we go home I will have a bit more. Also like you entertaining I am usually already drunk by the time the guests arrive and when they leave I usually polish off whatever is left—it is amazing to see how little most people drink.
The gastric band—again I am with you 110%!
As for your health worries. The foggy feeling is normal, it is hypoglycemia and most alcohol abusers do develop this. If I do not have a juice or something with sugar at regular intervals I will literally get shaky and feel like the world is a bit ̶