How to stay sober when all your friends are drinking
One of the biggest difficulties people face when they’re trying to stop drinking is what to do when other people are drinking alcohol around them.
The temptation to have a drink yourself is one aspect of it - “they can do it, so why can’t I?” Seeing them getting merry, and desperately wanting a taste too. How are you supposed to resist the urge?
The other aspect is, you begin to realise your drunk friends are actually quite tiresome, their sense of humour doesn’t quite match yours anymore, you feel left behind. Suddenly you’re the odd one out, when you’ve been so used to being part of the crowd, one of the party. This can feel very isolating if you’re the only one who’s not drinking.
Then of course there’s the concerned advice from your inebriated companions:
- “what’s wrong with you?”,
- “go on, just one won’t hurt…”,
- “don’t be such a _____ ” (insert a likely derogatory label).
This makes it even harder, and what should be a fun evening can turn into an endurance test.
This all depends on the company you’re with of course, if you’re just with your family or your partner in a restaurant then obviously the pressure won’t be so awkward, but pubs, bars and clubs with your old ‘drinking buddies’ will take some getting used to.
What really helps here is to enlist an ally - a close friend (or your partner perhaps), who’s not that bothered about drinking either and is prepared to be sober for a night to keep you company. That way you won’t feel quite so different, and you’ll have somebody who’s on your level, someone you can chat to comfortably (make sure you sit next to them of course). You won’t need to do this forever, but just until you get used to not drinking when your friends are.
December 21st, 2007 at 9:57 pm
The reason i feel that i binge drink is that initally i do not want to drink, however once i am in a situation where peer pressure or work (client entertaining demands) i drink as much and as fast as i can in order to get the deed over and done with so to speak, unfortunately whilst doing this all of the the humiliating and life threatening events occur, does anyone else think i may be correct with this view and if so how do they deal with it.
December 29th, 2007 at 10:56 pm
I do recognise this Jeffers. I called it ‘drinking myself sober’ - sounds ridiculous I know but I do believe that’s what I was trying to do, because I hated the feeling of being a bit tipsy. It meant being less in control in a situation I felt I should be in total control of. It exacerbated my feelings of discomfort and the only way out of that was to drink more to make the tipsy feeling go away. Logic it isn’t!
As for how to deal with it - first one is to not have that first drink. People aren’t really forcing you to have it. They might try and persuade you (and probably not a few are doing it to reassure themselves about their own alcohol consumption - I certainly used to try and push drinks on other people!). Antibiotics, having to drive or to be alert for any reason or being on a diet are perfectly acceptable ‘excuses’. If, like me, you find it a problem to not have that first drink you probably need to work out what is making you feel uncomfortable about the situation. One of the things I used to feel was that I had to be ‘a certain person’ and, whilst this was fine in a regulated professional setting, it totally went to pieces when this ‘certain person’ was supposed to be relaxed and fun. Learning that I don’t have to be a ‘certain person’ has been (and is) hard work.
Your reasons might be totally different, of course. Whatever they are, though, there’s an enormous amount of help and support available. I wish I’d known about that earlier!
Take care
January 1st, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Jeffers,
My past experience was that once I had one drink it was off to the races, I would binge and drink whatever was available. I might suggest you have a gene that recognizes when alcohol is consumed and just wants more. You can rationalize with your interpretation above, but you could just as easily have one drink and then say “that’s it”.
Peer pressure only goes so far. Most people who pressure others to drink do so for only a short period of time. Once you stand your ground they’ll move on to others that will drink like they are.
“Client entertainment demands” can easily be handled with a phrase of “I’m the designated driver” or “I’m not drinking so I can take care of all of you…then take care of them”. The next time you have one, see if you can stop, if you can, great, if you keep drinking then maybe you have a problem. Good Luck
January 7th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Jeffers, like you I had to drink all the time when in social situations usually masked under peer pressure ie. client outings, friends birthdays, hard day at the office, excited about something, anything really. I was a heavy binge drinker for 15 years starting mid way through my teens. I felt that I coudn’t enjoy an evening without alcohol and was terrified of the reality I might have to stop one day. I ended up in countless potentially lethal situations, binge drinking black outs, going off with people at parties I had just met, taking drugs on alcohol (and sometimes far too many which makes me shiver now), ruining relationships and potentially losing everything (including my reputation). I realised after one incident recently that caused a reality shock wave inside me that I HAD to stop drinking al together. That I couldn’t control my drinking enough for each drinking occasion to not turn into a binge. Almost as if my body succumbs to repetiton, 1 drink = getting wasted. So now I have been sober for 8 weeks and I also quit smoking at the same time. Cold turkey! And throughout Christmas and New Year. Sometimes tricky but achieveable. I feel so much better now for it. Admittedly at first I was scared of what people might think of me, my self esteem was pretty low and I was ashamed of being almost 30 and nowhere near being able to control whether I had 1 glass of lovely red wine or 2 bottles. Its tough but its definitely worth it. I fel different, I have list weight, I look fresh, my mind is clear and much more in control of my thoughts and emotions. I have no hangovers and spring out of bed each weekend ready to have a full weekend. I also feel different to everbody and my confidence has increased. I feel like I don’[t have to be another binge drinking female statistic o the rise, I feel proud but not pushy when I decline drinks at peoples houses or parties and am no longer ashamed of not being able to manage alcohol. Instead, I realised I had an addictive personality and I did something about it before it did something to me. Good luck and do whats right for you. If this means saying goodbye to alcohol then do so, embrace it and be different. You’ll soon realise how much it chages your life for the better - or at least until you build up a good relationship with alcohol (which I am not sure if I ever will but who knows)..
January 29th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Milly,
You probably don’t need this site any more but just to say thanks for your post. Its so positive and so straightforward.
If you do look in again, could you say whether you told people why you weren’t drinking. The social thing is a bit of a minefield for me and one which I’ve failed to cross more than once.
Thanks,
Anna.
February 17th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
I have been a heavy drinker since I was 23 im 40 now, going the usual route from Social to house drinking. About 6 years ago it dawned on me, that its time to cut down. Gradually over those years the consumption has gone down in a yo yo fasion but now its once a month from say 10 years ago, every night. But this year I am hoping, could possibly be the last for drinking.
In the six years the main problem I came across was social situations. Where the event would basically be an excuse to drink. One fact I’ve noticed over years of drinking, that most people’s consumption has increased, where maybe a few years ago it would be perhaps 3 glasses of wine, now its a blow out. So to be comfortable and have a good time when all around is basically pizzed, is very difficult.
So now I drive to gatherings, even if it is just up the road. If I get pressurised into drinking I just make an excuse and go. It certainly is pressure, Ive done it myself. YOu certainly don’t need to have a drink to have a good time but try being sober at a party with 20 drunk people!!
March 12th, 2008 at 9:40 am
Anna - I have struggled with binge drinking for 20 years. I have recently tried to “control” my drinking by taking months off here and there to prove that I could stop. After many blackouts and about to lose the love of my life I made the decision that I had to stop. I was often in social setting that were centered around drinking. I would just say that I was having a “cleanse” and you wouldn’t believe how many people admired me for it. In addition they asked for advice on how to do. However, I felt like I was lying. I have thought about what I think of others that don’t drink and wondered why I had a problem just saying “I got into trouble drinking and needed to stop.” I never judged or felt badly off of others when they told me that, in fact I envied them. This time around I’m not saying it is due to taking antibotics or a “cleanse” this time I’m proud to say “I needed to quit”. They can interpret that how they would like. In addition, you will be amazed, people that don’t have a problem with alcohol could care less why you’re not drinking and alcoholics are happy that they don’t have to worry about you drinking their fair share of the wine. Yes, you need a plan but try to stay away from those situations as long as possible until your self-esteem is back in place where it needs to be. Be strong you can make it one day at a time.
March 29th, 2008 at 9:26 am
I have been a heavy binge drinker for over ten years now and I have found many of these comments encouraging to me. Like many of you I have found myself in many compromising situations - in social, work and family drinking situations. I have justified these episodes to myself by saying that ‘these things happen to everyone who drinks .. don’t worry people won’t remember anyway, etc’ My main problem was that after a blackout and subsequent fallout I would destroy myself and promise that this could never happen to me again - and weeks would pass with no drinking - then there would be a period of so called controlled drinking ie; one or two beers - or sticking to beer only -but at some point my old drinking patterns would return and the binge mentality of drinking returned to the point of disaster. Due to a recent and very disturbing blackout I have no choice but to make the choice of never drinking again. I feel that family occassions be challanging but its the social situations with friends that worry me - maybe not in the next few months but I cannot envisage the years ahead - I hate the person I am in drink and if I don’t stand by my convictions I will lose everything that is dear to me.
March 29th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
i think i have a drinking problem as i’ve been drinking a bottle of wine a day for
the last 10 years at least, before that i didn’t drink just smoked a few joints
in the evening. unfortunately the weed has no effect anymore (just makes me
paranoid, not relaxed) so i switched to alcohol. the thing is - i can hold down
a job, am not particularly hungover the next day (1 bottle of wine is the max, i’m disciplined at not drinking more than that each day) and i really enjoy it. i don’t
have an urge to drink during the day until evening when i really look forwards to it. i can’t believe that 1 bottle a day is that bad for you - i’m not overweight, i exercise regulary and no-one mentions that i might have a problem, but i feel
that i am definitely using it as a means to deal with stress. the problem is i just
can’t figure out a way of replacing booze - i’ve tried relaxation techniques, yoga and after exercise i really get a craving for booze. one of the reasons i go down the gym regulary is because i know that a nice 6 pack of cold beers after a session will taste great. what is there to replace booze? (apart from another drug) i admit - i love drinking (in moderation(ish)) - been doing it for years, no problems so far (i think) went to the doctor the other day told him i’ve been drinking a bottle a day of wine so he gave me a blood test - there were no problems - the health warnings say don’t drink more than 21 units but it seems i’m ok with a bottle a day, i worried because maybe it is doing damage and i don’t know about it, but what else can replace a nice bottle of red?
April 1st, 2008 at 10:16 am
I have just made the decision this weekend to stop drinking after a drunken fall out with work colleagues. I am not sure if it will be a permanet stop or even just a temporary stop wth an aim for a significant reduction. I have in the past stopped drinkig for periods of months.How much better I felt during those times tells me I should do the same again.
I have some tips for staying off the booze.
Train for an event-run a 5k,10k,half or full marathon.That way you can tell your friends you have a run planned in the morning and need to be fresh for it.
Buy the first round of drinks-then you can chose what you drink.make sure its a long drink and take your time with it.After missing one or two drinks when the rest are drinking they forget you aint drinking as the alcohol takes effect!
Ill return and let you all know how Im doing.
April 8th, 2008 at 3:09 am
I find the best way to deal with being sober in a room full of drunk buddies is just to ‘act’ drunk. Oddly enough, you start to feel slightly intoxicated! Maybe a conditioned reflex or something.
April 13th, 2008 at 7:34 am
Mike - I think I’ll give that one a go - I’ve got a stag weekend coming up in the next few weeks and to be honest I am pretty worried how its going to turn out. I know that I will not drink but many of my friends will not be expecting it as I have always been one of the main guys in our group to get hammered. A good friend told me that if you don’t drink and you are out in ‘drinking’ company that you should always stand your round and continue as if it was a normal evening! Do you have any other tips on coping with the peer pressure?
April 17th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
i drink because without drink i am boring. i cant seem to hold a conversation with any human being and drink helps me to have a good time, relax and make a conversation with anyone. i dont feel shy, i dont care whos looking, i feel confident and happy. I dont know why i cant say the things i want to say when i am sober, i feel like i have a split personality and everyone loves the ‘drunk me’. cant they see? i know when people are drunk and find it amusing in others coz i see my mirror. i feel like a ghost. just drifting on by between the shadows. its hard work being sober trying to be ‘normal’ but i cant seem to go out without feeling paranoid and anxious about whos watching and how stupid i look when i walk unaware of my surroundings just scared and aloof in my own world. this dark cloud that sits above my head is always pestering me: ‘go buy a drink ur useless without it, u need it’… sometmes i try to pretend to be drunk but that never works the mind is too clever. sometimes im spritually high and believe everyone has their own insecurities and problems not jus me and wer all only human so fuck the world and get on with it but that soon dissolves and im back to my basic belief that theyr out there to get me. i hate wallowing in self pity but im sitting here now all dressed up ready to go out but then retire and decide to go 2mr, another day inside my prison the four walls consuming me. people see me as boring, dull and quiet. but i really have nothing to say, before id beat myself up;”say something” but these days i feel like my speech train has been put on mute. maybe i do need to drink again jus so i can tell me people how i really feel about their ugly mongrel faces.
April 25th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
My drinking runs in patterns. I can go weeks and even months without drinking and then all of a sudden I decide to have a vodka as stress has got the better of me. I don’t really like vodka but I drink it because it doesn’t smell as much as others and my wife then can’t smell it on me. That one drink one day turns into two the following week as she didn’t smell one so maybe she won’t smell 2. then 4, then 6, then next thing I know I am out of control and causing all sorts of trouble to all those around me.
My drinking goes in spurts and I must admit I love drinking and miss it very much.
I want to control it and know that if my wife allowed me to have one or two I wouldn’t sneak around but that what comes with addiction.
I know alchohol is a devil when I drink it. I become very selfish and don’t want to go home as I am having too much fun on the lash.
How can I control these situations and become ‘normal’ like my friends and not leave a car crash behind me everytime I want a drink ?
April 29th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
No Personality.. Damn man that’s hard core.. But I can kinda relate. I feel the same way in many respects. I’m not in a position to preach, but maybe I can offer a little advice to you (and to myself). Try doing a little weight lifting an hour or so before you go out. The endorphins will lift your spirits. Now look, I’m 6ft, 135 lbs.. skinny as a rail. So don’t picture some handsome muscle head telling you this. Just do it. It works. I figured this out when I signed up for a softball league, and drank a couple of beers after the game with my teammates. Two benefits, 1) I only wanted a couple of beers. 2) The conversation may not have been intellectual, but at least it was enjoyable.
I think maybe you’re a victim of the venue you choose. I mean, some people just don’t do well with smalltalk, and that’s what bar flies are all about. Spend your time doing something that generates things to talk about.
Sure beats going home to the wife and kids and sucking down 4 martinis like I will tonight. Man, I need to re-register for softball.
May 3rd, 2008 at 10:13 pm
I recently just quit drinking again after some really terrifying experinces, its been 2 weeks and Im starting to feel good. I have quit before and you can feel left out so to combat this I try and get non-alcoholic beer…but drunk people are so funny! If you have the energy, just try and get onto the atmosphere and it will lift you into a good mood. People cant get the way they do on booze alone, so if youre in the right setting and can relax then you can have a similar time to the drunk people without the effects of alcohol.
If you are alone in a dark and dank dive bar then if you drink alot the effects will be different than if you are at a party with friends….its the same if youre not drinking.
I think what Ive started to do is become more observant of drunk people, taken that role rather than be the focus of the attention….It can be tedious sometimes, especially when the talk starts to go a bit wayward, but people are generally entertaining and unpredictable when they are drunk it doesnt even matter!
I think that I have started to become less shy as I have been socialising more when Im sober (been trying to quit for a year or so). This was tough at first as Im quite naturally shy, but there isnt too much you can say to a drunk person that wont instigate a conversation, and you can learn to bounce off their drunkeness. People who cant socialise without alcohol are going to run into problems at some point anyway.
Now I can go to karaoke without any booze, and Im not particularly self-concious….And I love music so Im working on psyching myself into a mentality where Ill dance sober.
I am however having trouble talking to girls sober, and Im definitely going to start working on that…..
May 9th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Reading what everyone else has said so far is comforting to know that I am not alone. My drinking goes in cycles just like some others have mentioned. Something will happen causing me to put off drinking for a while, and I do. Then that itch comes back and I go out, lose all control, get black-out drunk, lose cell phones, injur myself and dont remember how i do it, lie to my boyfriend, etc. Each time I am humbled by this experience, swear to change, but have been unable to do so successfully yet. I am the type that feels the need to prove something to others through my drinking. I have been doing this since I was 16 and 6 years later haven’t stopped. In reality, no one around me cares how quickly I can down a pint but for some reason I try to impress. I have been asking myself recently, “what will it take for me to realize I need to stop? do I have to hit rock bottom? what is my rock bottom?” For my own health, and the health of my relationship with my boyfriend (who has been so patient but wont be for much longer) I need to stop. I also have unsupportive friends. My friends almost take it personally when I try to restrain my drinking around them. They love hearing all about my latest blackout antics because it’s funny for them, I dont know how to make them realize that it’s not funny for me.
I love the idea of running a 5K or doing any sort of training that someone mentioned above. I was thinking about going on an all-out health kick and attributing my not drinking to that. I plan on telling coworkers that I am no longer going to drink during the week. That doesn’t seem too far fetched and doesn’t necessarily sound like I have a problem, but it should get me off the hook.
May 15th, 2008 at 11:07 am
I’ve quit for 3 weeks now but still go to bars. One thing I really notice is how much you can smell booze on people’s breath, and how stupid their faces look! My friends are actually envious. I find that more people talk to me (including women) as I don’t have a stupid fixed grin on my face and my eyes are brighter. I can talk better. You actually get to the point of feeling ’superior’ even arrogant as you don’t need the prop many of them do.
May 25th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
its been so nice to be able to come on here and realise that im not the only one going through this. its only been two days since i havent had a drink and i felt so alone. if i carry on the way i have been i will have nothing left . i am pushing everyone that cares about me away . and to be able to read all of your comments has really helped and given me some hope .
May 29th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Like you Natalie I felt I was the only person who had problems with my drinking. Well, actually I drank with no problem whatsoever. That’s been the trouble. But after a particularly bad weekend I’ve decided to stop so this is only my 5th day of no booze. But then I haven’t yet been in a situation where my willpower has been tested. It has been really interesting (and heartbreaking) reading all the messages but it’s kind of comforting too knowing there are perfectly normal decent people out there going through similar. Can relate to quite a lot of it. I started drinking socially at 23 but never worried about it. However, I’m now in my 40’s and in the last 7 years my drinking has been a form of escape since my little girl was diagnosed with cancer. It has taken me this long to realise that I use booze for this reason and it has stopped me getting on with so much in my life (and my daughter’s if I’m totally honest) not to mention the detrimental effect it has had on my weight, health etc. Until now, whenever I felt that my life was useless, I’d be better of dead, I couldn’t live if anything happened to my little girl etc, I just used to have a drink. It didn’t matter what I drank - any booze to hand would do. But on Sunday morning I woke up and thought “that’s it - I had enough of feeling like this. It’s time I GREW UP!” Through experience I’ve realised that I can’t have one or two drinks and leave it at that so I’m having to stop altogether. As I said before it’s only been 5 days so who knows. I wish everyone who has posted on this site all the very best for their personal journeys and hope you achieve what you want for yourselves.
June 7th, 2008 at 4:49 pm
folks, how are you?
I’m quitting drinking. It’s been only I week since my last drink. I had been a little depressed and decided to have a glass of wine at home. That is all I can really remember about the whole night. I woke up in my truck a mile or so out of town with the police pulled up behind me. I was charged with impaired driving and have lost my license for I don’t know how long. I have four kids and a wife that mean everything to me. My truck was destroyed in an accident that same night. I’m lucky to be alive. I am so ashamed of what I have done to my family. I’m embarrased. Like many of you I could go long periods without drinking at all. I hardly ever did anything that made me feel bad about the night before. I’m 37 years old and need to stop drinking. For me I could never learn to drink responsibly. Something happens to me when I’ve had more than two drinks. It’s like I just want to get smashed on a three day bender. Nowadays, I have way to much to lose to be risking it over a little buzz. What I really need is to have something to replace the booze as my way to let it all go. Anyone with suggestions, I’d love to here back from you.
June 16th, 2008 at 6:18 pm
Hi all- well I know how you all feel here and I feel bad for you Brian- that must have been a terrible experience but just try your hardest not to beat yourself up about it because in my experience that just leads to the thought “why not drink since I am already so embarrassed?” Do you know what I mean. I know it sounds cliched but we are our thoughts right? I hope something positive does come out of this experience for you. I had a pretty much blackout, irrational, psychotic weekend and am actually surprised that both I and my dog (my only remaining friend) are alive and intact to talk about it. I was sober for 6.5 years and I put myself in a very isolating, unsatisfying experience about 3 years ago that lead me to start drinking again. I am so bummed that I have to go though this process all over again but if I can get my life back I’ll do anything.
July 4th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
back a long time ago i had a run in with a bottle of famous grouse,i was young at the time and had no idea of the limits,so i drunk the whole bottle to myself,i was quite ill after so decided there forth i wouldnt drink any further, I was 14 then and stayed sober for the next 10 and half years,im reaching 25 now and ive been getting drunk just about every night for the last month, until the other day,i decided to kinda drop it coz it made me feel crap afterwards, im still feeling a little bit shit now to be honest but,hopefully i can stay off of it for a good while…Keep it to occasions is what would be ideal..Cheerz
July 7th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Its been nearly four months since my last drink and its been one hell of a learning experience for me. I have been in many drinking situations with friends, work colleagues and family and have found it to be surprisingly easier than I thought it would be. I guess what was worrying me is that I really didn’t think I could truely enjoy myself when I was not drinking with others - but in actual fact its fine. Sure it is different - but it can still be good. Feeling healthy, no hangovers, having boundless energy and best of all no regrets or feelings of utter dismay at the not knowing. What I have found is the temptation is always at the start of any given drinking session - when people are sober and asking you what you want to drink. There is no getting away from that initial ‘what - you want an orangejuice!!!!!!???????? I have been finding this one difficult because your excuses soon run thin - ‘oh yeah I’m on antibiotics etc.’ Now with friends I just come out and say - ‘I believe God gives everyone an alcohol quota for a lifetime - unfortunately I have used all mine up!’ To others I don’t say anything unless challenged and although it can feel arkward sometimes - it really does pass. Normally after an hour or so, and for me alot quicker now - people dont really notice too much. Then as the night wears on - (as others have stated) if you give into yourself a little and engage with ’said drunken folk’ you really can lift your mood to a nice little level of fun and almost feel a little drunk yourself - Hey dont kid yourself its never gonna be the same! - however you can be totally sure that you ain’t ever going to wake up next to that ‘bearded lady’ called Guilt!’
I really hope I can sustain this forever as I don’t ever want to return to the dark side - I think there are some wonderful acheivements in your stories and there is real hope for us all. I have finally realised that when you begin to love yourself again the rest will follow - good luck to you all.
July 15th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
I am glad I found this site, everyone is so honest, & there isn’t a lot of AA talk. I, too am a binge drinker. Not quite ready to use the term “alcoholic”, but at this point, all signs point to yes. I have been binge drinking for many years now, 16 to be exact, & have finally decided to stop. I, like “time to grow up”, always wondered what my bottom would be. After sooo many black-outs, drunk driving & swerving all over the road, & close-calls w/ infidelity, & feel I have finally hit my bottom. A few weeks ago & was at a friend’s house & decided to have “a few drinks”. Before I knew it, I was doing shots left & right, & it was time to drive home. Apparently I forgot that I had my 10 month old son with me,(who is the light of my life) & I decided to drive anyway. I realized how drunk I was when I began driving, but that didn’t stop me. All I can say is that it’s a miracle & a huge blessing that we made it home safely. The thought of what could have happened runs thru my head all the time, & this experience was what it took for me to FINALLY admit that I have a drinking problem. I have not drank since, as I now know that there is no such thing as social drinking for me. To me, what is the point of having only 2 drinks? I drink to get drunk, & that’s how it’s been since the 1st time I drank, at 15 yrs old. I have been to a few parties in the last few weeks, & it was hard to be sober at first, then as others have said, it gets easier as the night goes on & your friends are boring because they can’t even finish a sentence or have a coherent conversation. I’m realizing that being sober is hard in the moment, but that the prize awaits you in the morning. Dignity, Health, Happiness, Peace of mind, all the things I want in my life now. I have not yet told them that i’m done drinking, but I think I might simply say, “It just wasn’t working anymore”. I love what Milly said about not being just another binge-drinking female statistic!
I wish everyone here the best of luck!
July 17th, 2008 at 1:49 am
Hey!!! I stopped drinking last week. I’m in my mid twenties and in my early twenties I had been off alcohol and drugs for two and a half years. Then last year I started drinking again. I thought I could be more responsible and look after myself and limit my drinking however I have binged drank a lot. Recently I was at a party, drank all day, took drugs and cheated on my girlfriend by kissing two girls in a bar in another country (though did not sleep with them).
I felt so ashamed, I love my girlfriend and she means the world to me, i have never had any intentions for another woman and never cheated before I have felt so ashamed and gutted that I got into that bad a shape. I pride myself on trying to be a good person and helping people, yet I have been the lowest of low. I made the decision not to drink again without telling my girlfriend as the truth as it would destroy her.
The urge to drink is still strong though the consequences of my actions keep it at bay. I have put the incident too the back of mind and although the shame will never leave, I love my girlfriend so much and would never put myself in that situation again.
It is hard to stop drinking again in front of friends again as you always think that deep down they are judging you. I try and remember the saying ‘when you fall off your horse, you got to get back on it’.
July 19th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
These are all really inspiring stories! I have been moved to tears reading them. I am a mother with three children, and until recently would habitually have a drink, or three to get me through the last part of the day - from 5 till the children were finally asleep. Which meant I was bathing them tipsy and reading their bedtime stories under the influence, sometimes leaving them waiting for the next story to come downstairs to guzzle down another quick beer. I seemed unable to relax with them without alcohol. To just BE with them, quietly and calmly drinking them in, instead of alcohol. People had always told me to ‘enjoy’ them, but I seemed to spend all my time getting stressed and worried about the house and them and doing everything ‘right’. On the nights when I continued to drink, out with friends or alone at home, I would wake up with a terrible hangover, snap at them, do the bare minimum and take out my sore head on my husband. What a selfish fool I was. I had difficult childhood, fraught angry working single mum, who was verbally and physically abusive to me throughout my childhood, no father around, brought up around party people and alcoholics - our house was often full of dope smoke and drink, or we were somewhere else that was - I realized that deep down I felt JUSTIFIED in my behaviour, that I had pain and therefore I deserved to drink. It all changed when I realized that you are who you are because of YOUR choices, not the choices other’s make for you. YOU choose to have a drink, your pain or hurt does not rule your life, YOU do. I am so happy now I am sober, and so are my husband and children, when I’m happy, they are too. I am truly blessed.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I can really related to all the comments. I am in the habit of drinking a couple of beers or a couple of glasses of wine most nights and this is fine? but when there is a social occasion like a wedding or other gathering, I am in dread that I will drink way too much and will not remember what happened after a certain point in the night. I will then have regrets as I am reminded of they things I did and said. This dread prevents me from going to a lot of these occasions but the ones that I go to seem to always end the same way.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:17 am
Well, I will be sober 30 days this Saturday. I am proud of this, but know that this is just the beginning of the journey. It’s been weird being in social situations & not drinking. The only times in my life where I was at parties sober was when I was pregnant, & it really wasn’t much fun. I have been amazed at how others are encouraging me to drink!( I haven’t told but a few CLOSE friends of my sobriety). I have used many excuses for why I’m not drinking, & they won’t let up, it’s ridiculous. It just makes me see even more how I have surrounded myself with people who like to drink they way I do. Now I’m asking myself, where do I go from here? Sure I have a few friends that are actually my “real” friends, that I enjoy their company enough to hang with them sober, but what about the others? Drinking is their pastime, plain & simple & I guess I will probably just have to move on. I can’t be at parties right now, or in bars, it’s way too hard & not much fun. I guess I’m just trying to find out who I am socially without the booze.
July 27th, 2008 at 10:05 am
i recently decided to take a break from drinking for a month and i’m currently on day 7 of my month of sobriety. i don’t drink every day, but i do drink every weekend, which really is not a lot compared to the amount that other people may drink. i decided that i needed a break because of several reasons: 1) i realized that i do not know my limit of alcohol intake because i began to vomit more and more and also because i would get blacked out drunk at some points 2) i felt like i had little willpower, that i couldnt say no to a drink and i couldnt just have one drink 3) my father is an alcoholic and i live every day with the fear that i will one day become just like him. during these 7 days of sobriety i realize that being the only drunk one at a party is somewhat awkward and uncomfortable because all of the drunk people are on the same level and i’m not. i mean, i still talk to my friends and socialize but its not the same because i know that i’m somehow left out or isolated. it is really hard to say no and i hate the constant peer pressure that comes with sobriety and the explanations that i have to make to every person that asks me why im not drinking. i just want to be refreshed for a while, without any drunken nights and i want people around me to understand that.
July 30th, 2008 at 10:13 am
It’s day 9 of my 30 days of giving up alcohol, but I think I’ve been kidding myself that all I need to do to make things right is to give up for a month. Reading everyone’s stories on here has been a real eye opener and I think I may just need to try and carry on with sobriety for as long as possible. I’ve spent the last 18-years either drinking, taking drugs or both, but have in most cases been able to carry on with a professional life. I’ve got to admit that I really enjoy relaxing at night with a bottle of wine and a couple of large glasses of rum, or maybe it’s just the addict inside that’s telling me I enjoy it. Waking up with a thick head had become normal and dealing with it had become easier with every passing year. This is the longest I’ve abstained from any kind of substance since being a teenager and I’m waking up every morning feeling rather proud of myself. I mark my calender with ‘AFD’ (Alcohol Free Day) and count them all up, just to make sure they are all still there. The weekend will bring a new obstacle as it’s my wife’s 30th brithday bash with about 40 odd mad drinkers coming together for a night of drunken fun. I’ve made the decision to drive and also taken advice from some of you about just getting involved and acting a little drunk. I’m shy and find it very easy to just blend into the background and observe to madness. The shyness is probably why I’ve always enjoyed drinking alone and have never seen a problem with being drunk in your own company. To me being drunk is being drunk whether in company or not, it’s just that if you’re alone, then their’s no one to look on as you take that stumble up the stairs, dribble down the chin or nod out for 30 seconds. I’ve contemplated going to AA, there’s a meeting locally on Monday night’s but I feel a bit of a fraud as I’ve been able to lead my normal life whilst drinking, abusing prescription and for periods of time, illegal drugs. Could anyone give me some advice on this please? Another concern is that my wife is a drinker and seems to becoming rather bored with my sobriety. Our whole relationship has been whilst drinking and it’s worrying that I’ll give in to internal pressure to start drinking again.
August 17th, 2008 at 7:37 pm
neal, i know what u mean my hubby and me got into the bad habit of drinking together before long it every night, he does nt binge like me tho so i ve asked him to stop, to support me i don t mean forever just until i feel more in control of myself but hopefully we will both benefit .
anyway this is day 1
so wish me luck
and i send luck to all out there doing the same
tee
August 19th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Hi Everyone, I am a 36 yearold man. I have just returned from a 4 day stag do, i am to be the best man. I have finaly decided to stop the drinking due to blackouts, bedwetting i just want to stop as i feel it is ruining my life. my freind is getting married in a few weeks and i am sitting here crying that i wont be able to have a glass of champaine for the toast…. I am like a lot of people here who who can have the odd drink in the house however special occaisions are not only embarassing for me but also my wife and kids,
Goodbye drink forever!!
August 24th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
Hi People,
Great to read everyones posts on here. It makes me feel a bit less of a freak to realise that there are others out there going through exactly what I am. I am on day 1 of trying to quit having known for some years that I have a problem and having woken up this morning with another frightening hangover, feeling mortified about all the conversation I had yesterday on the phone. I can quite easily not have a drink at all but as soon as I do decide to treat myself to a wee drink I lose all control and have to drink until I blackout. I have no idea why this is but it is destroying my life. Drink is damaging all my relationships, my work and is making me thoroughly depressed. I have been drinking heavily for the last 20 years and feel really sad to think of what irreversible damage I must have done to my loved ones, organs, brain and looks! All my friends enjoy a drink or two but don’t seem to have to get completely wasted. I feel totally abnormal.
September 6th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
Hi guys. These posts have been great to read - thank you. I’ve been a weekend binger for the better part of 20 years. To add it up like that is scary in itself. I often wonder what life would’ve been like had I quit 15 years ago when I realized I had a problem. It is obviously a very strong addiction if I’ve known for 15 years without quitting. I’ve blacked out for years now and just today woke up and looked for my purse, relieved to find I didn’t lose my phone or wallet. Then I looked at my phone to see if I texted anyone in my drunkeness. There’s been a couple of people in my life who have commented lately and that doesn’t usually happen. I’ve also started drinking alone at night, which I’ve managed to stay away from up till now. It’s getting harder and harder to have just one drink; it used to be after 3 that I wanted more, now it’s after only one. Every time I consider quitting I mentally go through my social calendar to see if there’s anything good coming up that I’ll want to drink for. A while back I was ill and couldn’t drink for a while - I was so productive during this time! I’m almost 40 now and fear I won’t have a baby in the next few years if I’m an active drunk, or I will just end up meeting another alcoholic. I think I’ll go to AA because part of the reason I drink is to have that sense of camraderie and community, even though the social stigma of being named an Alcoholic can be tricky sometimes. I wish everyone on here good luck and thanks again for sharing.
September 15th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Hello everybody!
I’d just like to say that you’re all absolutely amazing. I was feeling at a loss today because I really want to stop drinking but just cannot figure out a way that can keep my willpower going. I just typed in ‘how to stay sober’ on google and it came up with this page, and I have to say what a Godsend!
I am still recovering from a stupid weekend where I got ridiculously drunk, only to be told by my friends the next morning that I had paid some guys 10p to throw me chicken balls they had ordered from a chinese restaurant. I was catching them and eating them like some kind of dog - it’s funny but there is absolutely no dignity remaining in that situation!!
This is the sort of thing that alcohol makes me do - I last year I decided to go t-total for a month after waking up in a hedge at 9pm on the same day I had turned up to college still drunk from the night before, only to have the teacher slam the door in my face.
I managed to last for the month and I felt amazing - my skin was really clear, I had boundless amounts of energy and my mood swings were non-existent. Ooh, just writing that makes me want to ban all the alcohol in the world!
Anyway, I had lasted for the month but then I took a holiday to Magaluf and of course, everything went pear shaped for the next 8 months or so. I admit I had lots of fun, but once again I degraded myself in all the ways you can imagine. Like many of you lovely people, I began to realise that a lot of the time I was only drinking because other people were drinking. What’s worse is that the alcohol often led to drugs, which I would never have even CONSIDERED taking when sober!
By May this year, I decided enough was enough (again), so I declared to everyone that I was going t-total for life. I was still determined to go out just like I did before, this time minus the drink. There were good times and bad times. I realised how much people spit when they talk when they are drunk, and how much people smell. I saved myself from getting off with endless regrets, and I also saved my dignity many times. I found that I could have fun as well though. I’m an outgoing person, so I often don’t need drink to talk to people. I realised that when you need drink to talk to someone, perhaps you shouldn’t be talking to them.
Anyway, I’m not preaching here because as you know this second bout of ‘no drink’ only lasted 2 months. I went on holiday to Zante in Greece with a group of girls who truly only seem to care about two things: appearance and alcohol. I was really only friends with them from being drunk, and we’d booked the holiday when I’d been into partying.
I was determined to stay off the booze for that holiday but the peer pressure from these girls was immense. They were horrible, saying things to people we met like ‘Katie’s weird because she doesn’t drink’. I managed to stay sober for a week on this holiday but by the second week of the pressure and the nastiness/ lack of things in common with these girls I got absolutely wasted. It was my 18th birthday too so I thought it’d be ok to ‘celebrate it like everyone else does’. The girls were still pretty mean to me (probably because I spent all that time being different). They even shouted at me one night for being too drunk! So perhaps you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t!
I don’t know.
But since that hoiday I’ve been back on the ol’ vodka. Until yesterday, when I began to get inklings that I should stop. I need help here, because this weekend I move away to go to uni.I don’t want to drink, I really don’t. But I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I don’t want people to think I’m boring/ weird. I used to not care about what people think but those girls really brought my confidence down! Also, whilst 95% of me doesn’t want to drink there’s about 5% of me that still wants to!
I’m thinking, why do I even care? But I can’t help it. Argh, this is major. I’m just off to the doctors to get something for my bad skin, which has only got bad since I started drinking ALCOHOL again! Tut tut, honestly, I’m going to read through all of your kind advice again, print it off and stick it on my wall at uni because I cannot go on flipping between drinking and not drinking!! Thank you!
September 27th, 2008 at 8:48 pm
hi there everyone, i would also like to say this website is amazing, so much support,advice and understanding. i am a heavy drinker 23 yrs now with two children whom i love dearly, i have had 2 dettox, 2 different counsellors, and have been attending a support group now for 3 years, but i am still drinking every day. there might be the odd day i dont because phsically my body has had enough. i have taken antabuse on 4 occassions and at my longest lasted 4 months without drink. the question i keep asking myself and i am sure you all do is why??????? why cant we stop? my father was an alcoholic to and my mum is a heavy drinker, so i have grown up with it all my life, but i feel absolutly powerfull over this addiction, so any comments would be great. many thaks Donna.