Is Your Drinking Just a Habit?
Although it may seem like ‘just a habit’, you are making a choice to have a drink each and every time. That choice involves many components – your beliefs about alcohol and yourself, your thoughts (your inner dialogue), your feelings and your behaviour.
Your wish to not drink so much (because you can recognize the negative consequences) will translate into action depending on your motivations. Partly you are motivated to have a drink because its pleasurable, it helps you relax etc, and at the same time you’re motivated not to drink because you know about all those negative consequences. So you’re in a dilemma. The strength of your different motivations will determine how easy you find it to choose not to have a drink.
Lets take an example to illustrate this – there is something happening at work which you find very stressful, so you get home feeling frustrated and edgy. You believe the stress at work is not going away soon, and perhaps you also blame yourself for some aspect of the situation. You have a belief that you can’t handle this stress well naturally, and you believe that alcohol removes it very effectively. So you want a drink. But of course you know you shouldn’t, because you’ll be hungover again tomorrow, and that will leave you feeling worse. So your inner dialogue, your thoughts, might be something like – “well I haven’t had a drink for a couple of days, so I deserve it.” or – “I just don’t want to feel stressed like this, I want this feeling to stop NOW”.
However, emotional pain and difficult feelings are a part of life, there’s no escaping them, but alcohol deals with them so effectively, that its easy to develop a reliance on it to take away all your painful feelings. In order to cut down or stop drinking therefore, you have to accept that painful feelings must be dealt with sober, just as you are. You can deal with life, but you are choosing not to experience discomfort, because it can so easily be tranquillised with alcohol.
Its a common thing to drink because you feel “I can’t cope” – but what does that actually mean? Whatever is happening in our lives, however painful it is – we get through it, we survive, and that is coping. So the belief that we can’t cope makes us give up trying, give up hope. And again, alcohol is there to take away that hopeless feeling, to take us to that dream-world where things are fluffy and safe.
To get through life being generally sober, we have to accept that painful feelings can be handled naturally. Not rubbed out, but acknowledged, truly felt. You’re stressed? So see how it feels for it to just subside naturally with time. You feel bored? So just sit with that and examine what it really means to you. What could you actually do to remedy that feeling? Again, explore it and see what needs or thoughts are associated with the feeling. Then you might realise a different solution or two, whatever they might be.
Or perhaps you just don’t think you’re a particularly valuable person? Any mistake, any difficult situation can be attributed to your own failure or lack of some quality. Again, alcohol makes you feel good about yourself, temporarily anyway. And then it bites back with a vengeance. So to an extent, the solution might also be about healing that relationship with yourself. Your beliefs about yourself can often be a sort of self-constructed fiction. That constant inner commentator is so detached from the world, in many ways. So you may believe yourself to be inadequate because that’s how you’ve been affected by life, but of course its a subjective opinion, its not a fact, just a viewpoint.
The point here is to make yourself aware of the various elements that make up your drinking habits, then you can try to solve each part, rather than just relying on will power to not drink, which as you’ve probably discovered by now, isn’t that effective.
Tobin – This just doesn’t seem to be getting better. I always feel like I deserve to disconnect because I empty myself every day for everyone in my family. No one gives back. I have to ‘arm-wrestle’ everything. Well maybe – I know my husband is trying. I’ll stop here.
i am just in the process of starting therapy for my problem heather, your wording is like an echo that i feel everyday, my thoughts are with you and i hope things are getting easier for you now
xx
I love this article it is really speaking to me. I’m gonna bookmark and read it everyday if I have to. I need to learn to do that..that is the root of this. If I can conquer that then i can beat this demon off of me. It’s just a lie, a shortcut that will pull the rug out from under u, then u have to deal with that damage too
that picture of full wine glasses is killing me…which is amusing… it is equally heaven and hell… like a physical representation of what alcohol means to me, I see my own reaction to it, and it’s so telling
Hi I just logged on here I know my drinking is out of control but dont know how to stop. I drink every night after work one or two bottles of wine. Because I live alone no one knows this and I pretend not to see how many bottles I throw away a week. Any tips?
Hey kez
I’m just the same as you….I take the bottles to recycle round the corner rather in my box outside. I just bought some Kudzu I read about on this site and hope it will reduce the craving.
Hi… I have been drinking beer for many years..I am sick of it… I work, but sometimes I dont do my best work..My children know of my addiction as does my husband…it bothers the kids.. not so much my husband,, I actually think he likes it, because it makes me easier to control, because I am always feeling guilty…I was able to practically quit or slowed down substantially when I was on hormone replacement therapy, now that I am off it now for a few years, it is escalating . I am drinking more now, than in the past, usually every other day, and sometimes I dont skip a day… I drink after work,,,until bedtime,, I say I am going to fight the cravings, but they always win out.. any help will be appreciated, I do find that if I eat, it lessens the cravings, but sometimes I make my self not eat.
Becky, and others;
I think we are all in the same boat. I started with a new therapist yesterday, I hope he can help. I love beer, have for many, many years. Problem is, I drink too much of it, and, like you Becky, it at times replaces food. The new therapist thinks my problem may be genetic, perhaps, but I think there is more to it. If someone out there has had success, please share how you did it. I would like to some day be able to enjoy a beer, or a glass of wine without feeling the intense need to have more.
Becky, Del and Kez:
I too am in the same boat, gotta have that bottle of wine every night. I know my marriage is suffering, it’s good but could be so much better if I could just stop. I know I’d be a better mom, employee and friend. Face it, I’d be a better everything and probably be in much better health and a better weight. I’m so tired of the circle…I really do want to stop. I also tried Kudzu, but didn’t notice a difference. Maybe I didn’t get a good brand. For the first time I will talk to my Dr. about this tomorrow. Going to AA or any weekly support meetings is not an option for me. I wish everyone the very best….
guys i am 24 nd i am sick of my drinking…..i want to stop it real bad……i am a very emotional guy…i just sweep in emotions nd give myself to others..i know what i am doing is very wrong and i never wanted this to happen..but it is happening.i really want to quit.i hv so much to say nd from today i promise myself that i ll stop drinking nd write about it daily here.pls motivate me i am in search for someone m/f doesnt matter to share my thoughts with.pls be with me.
Baba, I feel exactly the same I so want to stop drinking I am in my 50′s and I have been heavily for some time. I know it will eventually kill me if I don’t stop. I think that the hardest thing to do was to admit to myself and others that I have a problem. Was it the same for you?