Alcohol and abusive relationships
Alcohol is a common feature in abusive relationships, so if your partner is an alcoholic you might have to deal with erratic mood swings and unpredictable behaviour, arguments and aggression, recklessness (DUIs), the risks to your children and so on.
So how do you confront a partner about their drinking? (when it is often a very touchy subject) Usually, people learn to avoid the issue, simply changing the subject when it comes up. And so the situation continues for years, unless you decide to address it.
But quite often each person may be so afraid of loneliness, or have such low self-esteem that they believe themselves unlovable, that no-one else would have them, that they couldn’t survive alone. This co-dependency makes people tolerate more than they should have to, in order to stay together.
The abuse of alcohol might affect your relationships in many ways. But those same close relationships are often the ones that can perpetuate alcoholism. A dysfunctional marriage can be so much stress for anyone involved - if your first choice for coping with that is alcohol, then you can see how some people justify their drinking by blaming it on their husband/wife.
If the extra drinking that arises from relationship problems itself makes those problems worse, then a very messy loop can develop.
Alcohol can serve a number of purposes in a relationship -
- a temporary boost in self-esteem,
- soothing anger or escaping from conflict (which often leads to more arguments or even domestic violence),
- an emotional escape from unhappiness,
- exerting control through defiance of the partner’s requests not to drink.
Alternatively, if you’ve decided you want to quit drinking, but your partner still drinks heavily, then you might have real difficulty resisting temptation - there you are trying to have a sober day, when your husband is cracking open a bottle of wine for the evening!
This sometimes happens as a form of sabotage too - if a couple both have a problem with alcohol, your partner might not want you to get sober, might not want you to get your confidence back.
This is all sounding rather gloomy, surely there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? Of course, your close relationships can be your biggest source of support and encouragement. Even if you might think you’ve damaged some relationships beyond repair, the people who care about you will still be there if they can see you really want to change.
Lonely - go girl! I’m so proud of you and pleased that you have obviously turned that corner and made that decision. It will be hard at first but stick to your guns because you will be so much happier. Please don’t worry about money - you will be financially much better off without someone who drinks all that money away. You’ll be surprised at how much richer you feel, in so many ways. And please everyone, listen to Lonely - you are NOT being loved, you are being ABUSED. Alcoholics are not capable of love because they don’t love themselves and the love of their life is alcohol, not you, and it will always come first. The drink will be their only love and first priority - before you, themselves, their children, because alcohol rules them. But stop feeling sorry for them, because it is not your fault and they shouldn’t make it your problem. You deserve better than that and life is too short to be ruled by someone else’s problem.
Well done Lonely, I’m right behind you and please keep in touch.
And BethAnn - the book is about co-dependancy. There are many on the subject and you, I and everyone who loves an alcoholic is co-dependant (not sure how to spell that!) but you can break-free… I have, Lucy is and if you read the book you’ll find it a lot easier than without it. Good luck all.
I still feel like im sinking!
Im stuck in this limbo world of indecision.
Im ordering the book for sure, cos im sick of saying im not happy and that i want change and then doing nothing but watching things happen around me.
I guess im still struggling with the idea that I would let this happen to me!! How is it that our relationship - over time become one where it was ok for him to go on 3 day drinking binges, or to not come home all night? Or to spend all our savings? Of course we fight about it but if i try to ‘discuss’ it with him, he shrinks away from it and just says it’ll never happen again and for me to leave it alone, or stop living in the past!!!!!!
So much i want out of my life, and it breaks my heart that all my original plans have fallen asided due to his selfish behaviour and drinking.
I always appreciate the comments on this site and draw strength from knowing it doesn’t have to be this way.
It doesn’t have to be this way Lonely. There is light at the end of that long tunnel and I’m sure that you will find it. You will find the strength to make a new life for yourself because you want a different life and you deserve so much better than what you have now.