Alcohol and abusive relationships
Alcohol is a common feature in abusive relationships, so if your partner is an alcoholic you might have to deal with erratic mood swings and unpredictable behaviour, arguments and aggression, recklessness (DUIs), the risks to your children and so on.
So how do you confront a partner about their drinking? (when it is often a very touchy subject) Usually, people learn to avoid the issue, simply changing the subject when it comes up. And so the situation continues for years, unless you decide to address it.
But quite often each person may be so afraid of loneliness, or have such low self-esteem that they believe themselves unlovable, that no-one else would have them, that they couldn’t survive alone. This co-dependency makes people tolerate more than they should have to, in order to stay together.
The abuse of alcohol might affect your relationships in many ways. But those same close relationships are often the ones that can perpetuate alcoholism. A dysfunctional marriage can be so much stress for anyone involved – if your first choice for coping with that is alcohol, then you can see how some people justify their drinking by blaming it on their husband/wife.
If the extra drinking that arises from relationship problems itself makes those problems worse, then a very messy loop can develop.
Alcohol can serve a number of purposes in a relationship -
- a temporary boost in self-esteem,
- soothing anger or escaping from conflict (which often leads to more arguments or even domestic violence),
- an emotional escape from unhappiness,
- exerting control through defiance of the partner’s requests not to drink.
Alternatively, if you’ve decided you want to quit drinking, but your partner still drinks heavily, then you might have real difficulty resisting temptation – there you are trying to have a sober day, when your husband is cracking open a bottle of wine for the evening!
This sometimes happens as a form of sabotage too – if a couple both have a problem with alcohol, your partner might not want you to get sober, might not want you to get your confidence back.
This is all sounding rather gloomy, surely there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? Of course, your close relationships can be your biggest source of support and encouragement. Even if you might think you’ve damaged some relationships beyond repair, the people who care about you will still be there if they can see you really want to change.
I haven’t meant to stay away so long, but its hard to know what to post sometimes, especially when things in my life change so frequently.
Me and my husband remain separated, infact less than 2 weeks after my last post, my husband revealed to me that he had found himself a new gf, that they have somuch in common and that he can be himself with her. The shock i can say was more than i thought i could take. Especially at 5 months pregnant. After everything i went through for him he left me for someone who drinks as much as him and sees nothing wrong with it…….
Ive since moved out of our marital home and started divorce proceedings. As Lucy mentioned earlier on this thread, im also financially so much better off even though it has been just 5 or 6 weeks since we split. He, on the other hand has spent nearly £4500 in the same time frame.
He doesn’t know im moving towards restriting his contact with our son and the bay that is due in just 5 weeks time. I can not trust him because his drinking is so out of control. Its interesting to me that he can still ‘play’ the normal guy role when it suits him – i.e. to manipulate me into doing things his way. As per our relationship.
I have to say im facing a different xmas, a sober one i guess lol. Im sad that things have come to this but attempting to focus on my future being better without him. Also feeling nervous about being a single mum with 2 babies, but again – rather this than living with a chaotic, abusive alcoholic!!
Although things are hard and as i suspected in an earlier post he is raising issues over access and custody and doesn’t think his drinking is a problem. I know in 12 months time i will be full celebrating my freedom and my happier life!!
I have known my husband for 4 yrs and married for one yr. Drink never seemed a problem at first. We would go out and drink socially and have a good time. Over the years he has been drinking to get drunk whenever we go out in the evening. He will drink until the money runs out or he can’t stand up. He doesn’t drink all the time but when he does it’s heavy. He has called me some horrible names and done some horrible things when drunk. He says he can’t remember in the morning but i sometimes think it’s selective memory. He is a loving caring husband when drink isn’t involved but when he is drunk he changes. He always blames me for the arguments and the next day i spend on my own while he sleeps to sober up.It usually takes 2 days for the apologies to arrive by text while i am at work. He denies he has a problem and just says i should keep my mouth shut when he is drunk because i make it worse when i confront him. I feel i only stay now because if i leave i will lose everything i have worked for. I came from an abusive first marriage and lost everything and if i leave this one i will have to go bankrupt. I am so sad and lonely right now. I do love him but do you think he can change ?
hi Sad
Im sorry to hear you are going through this with your husband, and sorry that your first marriage was abusive also.
I myself had to go through the process of weighing up the worth of my marriage and of myself. I found it so hard to admit my ‘perfect’ marriage was over and that i would have to go it alone. Is bankruptcy worse than living this way?
I think your husband can change – ive heard stories on this very site that many alcoholics choose to stop and actually live their lives, instead of just existing. But i think the important step is acknowledging the problem and deal with it. My husband chose not to do this. Ultimately it led to the end of our marriage.
I couldn’t say how your husband will get to this point but perhaps sitting down with him when hes sober and explaining how you feel when he drinks might make him see hes upsetting you.
Oh and you shouldn’t have to ‘keep your mouth shut’ when hes drunk. I got told that all the time, and in my mind if one of you doesn’t have a tendancy to go off on one when they drink then the other one wouldn’t be forced to submit each time. Its tiring, it ruins nights out and ultimately ruins the fun side of your relationship. I am so looking forward to going out and not having to mind what i say or what i do incase hubby doesn’t like it.
You don’t have to be sad or lonely – if you read some of my earlier posts you will see where i was last year and ok this is the way it worked out for me, and i hope you and your husband can work it out together – but don’t put up with it. Im no longer lonely – im alone but never felt more loved and supported by my friends and family and i no longer cry myself to sleep everynight.
You ask your husband for what you need to be happy – work on it together if he needs that, but don’t settle if you aren’t happy and forfilled!!!
Good luck!
please can someone help me.
I have been with my husband for 19 years -since we were kids. we have been married for 9 years and have lovely 8 year old. My husband smoked weed for years and gave up 5 years ago. he has drank everyday for as long as i remember -lager and cider. he has major periods of ups and downs and gets fixated on things especially when he has had a drink. 2 years ago i was diagnosed with a liver tumor – had major surgery and im still here!! but t made me realise i cannot cope with the violent drunk i live with. when sober he is lovely, but when drunk – he is verbally abusive, wets himself and is totally incoherant and i live in fear. so he had a breakdown…he harrassed me from morning to night….i had to flee my home…… they think he is borderline bi polar……and is on antidepressants for the rest of his life… gave up alcohol for 11 months!!docs say not allowed to drink anymore. but sadly he has had many blowouts since then. we sold our house – went into rented so i was not tied to him anymore – fresh start and all that. my son has witnessed some terrible things and it makes me so sad…..wondering when the next time will be……when will he fall off the rails again. so i have given him ultimatum – us or the drink…….our marriage or the drink…….he chose us. or so i thought. today he swore on my life he wouldnt drink……….went out came home drunk….this has been happening every week for the past 6 months..i told him i wish he would die. my son heard – now i feel terrible.
so – do i put up with it – or end it but know i will never get rid of him – he scares me. he will never leave me alone and will harrass me everytime he is drunk. im so scared what he will do to me or our son. i cannt trust him to look after our son but where do i stand?
pls help x
Hi Desperate.
Please do not think that you are alone. There are services and peole who can help once you make the big decision that you want this to end. Make an appointment to go and see a solicitor. You might be eligible for legal help (legal aid) and if not many solicitors offer initial fixed fee interviews and some offer intial free consultations. Any thing that you tell them will be in complete confidence and they will not judge you. They will be able to advise you in relation to your options such as divorce (if that is what you want) but also in relation to matters such as contact (which may have to be in a contact centre if your husband can not be relied upon not to drink when your son if with him) and the possability of seeking a non molestation order (protecting you from violence or threats) and even an occupation order (removing your husband from the home).
No body deserves to be subjected to threats or violence. As a mother you owe it to yourself and your son. Take Care and Good Luckxx