Alcohol and abusive relationships
Alcohol is a common feature in abusive relationships, so if your partner is an alcoholic you might have to deal with erratic mood swings and unpredictable behaviour, arguments and aggression, recklessness (DUIs), the risks to your children and so on.
So how do you confront a partner about their drinking? (when it is often a very touchy subject) Usually, people learn to avoid the issue, simply changing the subject when it comes up. And so the situation continues for years, unless you decide to address it.
But quite often each person may be so afraid of loneliness, or have such low self-esteem that they believe themselves unlovable, that no-one else would have them, that they couldn’t survive alone. This co-dependency makes people tolerate more than they should have to, in order to stay together.
The abuse of alcohol might affect your relationships in many ways. But those same close relationships are often the ones that can perpetuate alcoholism. A dysfunctional marriage can be so much stress for anyone involved - if your first choice for coping with that is alcohol, then you can see how some people justify their drinking by blaming it on their husband/wife.
If the extra drinking that arises from relationship problems itself makes those problems worse, then a very messy loop can develop.
Alcohol can serve a number of purposes in a relationship -
- a temporary boost in self-esteem,
- soothing anger or escaping from conflict (which often leads to more arguments or even domestic violence),
- an emotional escape from unhappiness,
- exerting control through defiance of the partner’s requests not to drink.
Alternatively, if you’ve decided you want to quit drinking, but your partner still drinks heavily, then you might have real difficulty resisting temptation - there you are trying to have a sober day, when your husband is cracking open a bottle of wine for the evening!
This sometimes happens as a form of sabotage too - if a couple both have a problem with alcohol, your partner might not want you to get sober, might not want you to get your confidence back.
This is all sounding rather gloomy, surely there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? Of course, your close relationships can be your biggest source of support and encouragement. Even if you might think you’ve damaged some relationships beyond repair, the people who care about you will still be there if they can see you really want to change.
May 27th, 2008 at 1:15 am
My husband is having very scary emotional problems, and has quit drinking for one month. We are seperated, and he’s contemplating divorce, but changes his mind, weekly, about everything. He’s depressed, lonely and I fear suicidal. I am not sure what to do, and where to turn. Susan
May 28th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Why do you say HE is contemplating divorce? What do YOU want?
Are you hooked up with AA for family members?
September 4th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
My partner and I have just split up because of his drinking. We were childhood sweethearts who got back together after over 25 years and I had high hopes for us. It wasn’t long though before it became clear that he had a drink problem. He gets so drunk that he can’t speak and he will drink and drink until he is kicked out or it’s closing time; it’s like he can never get enough. He more often than not goes out alone to do this! It’s frightening to see his loss of control and because of it I stopped respecting him which caused more problems between us. He can be so verbally abusive and aggressive that I am physically shocked and do feel like I have been abused - I have never known such nastiness. It makes you feel worthless when the person you love would much rather have alcohol than you and it knocked my confidence hugely while we were together. The bit that worries me most, more than the ‘episodes’ however, is his general, everyday changes of mood and his inconsistency and unreliability - is this caused by too much alcohol? He has lost enough money to buy a house, is divorced, has nowhere proper to live and no job. But he doesn’t seem to think that any of this is caused by his drinking as he says he has done it everyday since he was 17 (he is now 44).
October 16th, 2008 at 7:14 am
My ex-boyfriend quit drinking for awhile when we were together, but before this there would be many episodes where he would get really drunk and then bring up some insecurity about our relationship to argue over, or get angry at my embarrassment over his drunken antics. Many times it ended with him threatening to do something destructive to himself or others, and I told myself I would have to put up with his verbal abuse to keep him safe until he was sober. This kept happening over and over, but for some reason I always let him convince me that it wouldn’t happen again and that I should stay with him. It did stop for awhile, about 3 months or so, but as soon as our relationship was on the rocks for other reasons, he used it as an excuse to start drinking again, saying that it didn’t matter what he did anymore since our relationship was over. I’ve learned that you cannot hold yourself responsible for someone else’s actions, and you can’t let them manipulate you into feeling sorry for them or trying to protect them from themselves. After so many failed attempts at sacrificing myself to help him, I’ve realized that the best way to deal with the situation is to let him know that his manipulation won’t work anymore, and that he has to get himself right before I’ll even think about speaking to him again. I hope this helps.
November 18th, 2008 at 1:43 am
I have been in a relationship for 7 years, and got married 3 years ago. My relationship has turned into a nightmare my husband is a binge drinker he gets with his freinds on weekends and goes to bars or to one of their freinds home to drink, he doesn’t take care of me anymore, we dont go out to do anything together anymore like we used to. I have had terrible episodes with him when he drinks he acts flirty with women and does gestures to them in front of me, I feel so disrespected. If anyone can comment please I need advice