Alcohol and abusive relationships

alcohol and abusive relationshipsAlcohol is a common feature in abusive relationships, so if your partner is an alcoholic you might have to deal with erratic mood swings and unpredictable behaviour, arguments and aggression, recklessness (DUIs), the risks to your children and so on.

So how do you confront a partner about their drinking? (when it is often a very touchy subject) Usually, people learn to avoid the issue, simply changing the subject when it comes up. And so the situation continues for years, unless you decide to address it.

But quite often each person may be so afraid of loneliness, or have such low self-esteem that they believe themselves unlovable, that no-one else would have them, that they couldn’t survive alone. This co-dependency makes people tolerate more than they should have to, in order to stay together.

The abuse of alcohol might affect your relationships in many ways. But those same close relationships are often the ones that can perpetuate alcoholism. A dysfunctional marriage can be so much stress for anyone involved – if your first choice for coping with that is alcohol, then you can see how some people justify their drinking by blaming it on their husband/wife.

If the extra drinking that arises from relationship problems itself makes those problems worse, then a very messy loop can develop.

Alcohol can serve a number of purposes in a relationship –

  • a temporary boost in self-esteem,
  • soothing anger or escaping from conflict (which often leads to more arguments or even domestic violence),
  • an emotional escape from unhappiness,
  • exerting control through defiance of the partner’s requests not to drink.

Alternatively, if you’ve decided you want to quit drinking, but your partner still drinks heavily, then you might have real difficulty resisting temptation – there you are trying to have a sober day, when your husband is cracking open a bottle of wine for the evening!

This sometimes happens as a form of sabotage too – if a couple both have a problem with alcohol, your partner might not want you to get sober, might not want you to get your confidence back.

This is all sounding rather gloomy, surely there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? Of course, your close relationships can be your biggest source of support and encouragement. Even if you might think you’ve damaged some relationships beyond repair, the people who care about you will still be there if they can see you really want to change.

114 Comments

  1. marci 19 April, 2014 at 5:52 pm - Reply

    My husband has abandon me and the kids for the the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but i decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then i went online there i saw so many good talk about this spiritual man King Shola reuniting families and homes with his spell powers. I asked for his email reunitehomespelltemple@ gmail. com, so i had to contact him and in just 9 days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man i got married to, and that was what happened. I am so grateful.

  2. Eirrac 18 April, 2014 at 4:26 am - Reply

    My expirence has been hard as well! I started out with what I thought was the love of my life. He drank and heavily when we dated. But even with that he really had no agresstion towards much. Well that lasted six month of living together. He then started by being self destructive like making himself bleed from stomach with the drink. He just wouldn’t stop. My love was harming himself I had know idea why. Then he started getting agresive with me. I would talk to him sober and totally different man. I left a few times only to have him stop drinking over and over again. My heart wanted to believe people could change it still does. But I came back this last time after three years of sobriety. I was stupid to think it would change anything he just begged me to let him drink. I didn’t give in but told him I wasn’t a parent he had to choose. Well he started drinking first at restraints

    • Kimberly 17 April, 2016 at 5:31 am - Reply

      I’ve been married to an alcoholic for almost two yrs this June will Mark the 2nd yr I have been with my husband Mike for 5 years. At the start of the relationship I knew he was an alcoholic but I never knew he was a violent one either until he was put in jail for assult charge He tried to choke a parametic. He also hit his father.He stopped drinking in order to be with me and was in a program called the smart program and was ordered to go to aa meetings and reporting probation. He just got off reporting probation and now he’s back to drinking again. When I first met him He was the most amazing man I had ever met, smart romantic sweet but I found out he was a drunk We broke up a few times over it I thought he wouldn’t drink anymore but I was wrong. The drinking started up again the day he got off reporting probation It was then that I seen his true self he is very rude and mean says mean hurtful things to me and When he wakes the next day he forgets about what he said the night before.He says he is sorry but I know his not. I feel like im losing my mind He promises he will never drink again and that he will get help but I know he is lying. My daughter told me He takes money out my wallet when I’m asleep.

  3. BB72 27 March, 2014 at 3:55 am - Reply

    My boyfriend is amazing…except when he’s drinking heavily. Before we met he drank every day but now he drinks every couple weeks (sometimes a month). Usually on a Friday and its fine unless he drinks a lot. His parents enable him…to the point his dad will take him out and buy him beer all night until he can barely walk. His dad is a truck driver so I understand they want time together when his dad is back. I just wish he wouldn’t get him drunk. I don’t know the best way to approach this as he is very close to his parents. When he drinks a lot he becomes rude and vulgar with me, calls me names and yells at me in front of everyone and tells everyone I’m crazy and don’t let him do anything. He hasn’t hit me but I guess I am worried it may come to that and yes I have told him. I’m the only one he acts this way with.
    His mother is always the DD so father and son drink and drink…I’m not sure anything I say or do will change anything but if anyone has any similar experience I’d appreciate it. And yes I am contemplating just ending the entire relationship.

    • CJ 6 April, 2014 at 7:12 am - Reply

      Sweetie,
      Take it from someone who is 25 years into a situation that started out just like yours, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN.Do not waste your life on someone you hope will change, 99% of the time, they won’t.And the situation with the parents being enablers won’t either.It will become a power struggle ,they will end up hating you,so even if your boyfriend would change, there will always be strife and power struggles with his parents. He is already abusing you,STOP IT NOW.Do not sell yourself short. There are good men out there and they are worth waiting for and so are you.DO NOT EVER trade your Self worth for any man.You will regret giving your best (emotionally,financially,ect) to someone who can’t or won’t reciprocate.

  4. danielle 17 March, 2014 at 2:30 pm - Reply

    Wow sometimes it feels like im the only one going through these torturing things, I feel some sort of comfort when reading these pages that it is possible for me to leave. My name is Danielle and I have been with my partner for almost 3 years. At the start of the relationship I knew he was an alcoholic but I never knew he was a violent one. He stopped drinking in order to be with me. He was the most amazing man I had ever met, but my gut instincts told me to becareful that something was just not right. I slowly started loosing control of my home my money he just wanted to be in charge of everything and I allowed it. The drinking started up again on weekends when we felt like being social. It was then that I seen his true colours, he would do anything to hurt my feelings the verbal abusive become uncontrollable then it turned physical and im still taking what is being dishes out to me whenever he drinks, I have had chemicals poorest down my throat split lips strangled and my home which he won’t leave repeatable smashed. When he wakes after each time of doing these things he pretends he is sorry but I know his not. I feel like im not strong enough to cope if we break up but I know it’s going to kill me to stick around. He promises he will never drink again and that he will get help but I know he is lying. Please help.

    • BB72 27 March, 2014 at 3:58 am - Reply

      Was he mean to anyone else when he drank? My bf gets really mean but only to me. It’s like he just wants to humiliate me in front of everyone and I don’t understand why because when he is sober we get along great.

      • Flo 24 March, 2016 at 3:03 am - Reply

        Is it me or do we all share on here when they passed out drunk? been living with this 13 years now tonight was scariest I have no friends but family must hide what’s going on I’m so isolated and controlled. won’t fix my jeep BC he likes I can’t go anywhere why he works tired of walking on eggshells and living with Dr Jeckel and Dr hide!

        • Anonymous 26 September, 2016 at 7:22 am - Reply

          I have been with my partner for 32 long, long years and I always use the exact words that you use, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and walking on eggshells!
          Get out now, things won’t change, I should have left after the first drunken outburst which happened after I had been living with him for 18 months.

    • sarah 31 March, 2014 at 12:35 am - Reply

      Your story is very similar to mine ! Met my partner over 3 yrs ago he had just done six wks in rehab & was sober a really lovley person within 2 weeks he had moved in & things were great ! I havnthad much luck wiv men in the past & i fort id meet sum1who had no issues & addressed his addiction! Then i had 2 sell my home because got in debt & being self employed was just gettin by i even had 2 care 4 him within six mths he got diverticulitus & had a bag 4 6mths & we both got throw it ! Then he was offered a flat wiv housing association so sold property & moved to where he was brought up within a week he started drinking! Me havin £ he abused my generocity bought truck & went to thailand 4 3 mths ! As time has gone on he has not wanted me out wiv & wen he comes home the abuse is unreal he says im the junkie ur the 1 who needs help but they have 2 blame sum1 else 4 there addiction my partner is very good at b-in the luvly bloke whos funny etc !! Gets home & changes ? Please girls listen we went out & i left cos he was gettin loud got home & he came in i cant explain it but its like watching this man turn in2 a monster ididnt say a word cut a long story short i have 2 black eyes bruised body i fort he was goin 2 kill me we have a 7mth border collie & hes my baby dont have kids i had 2 leave him at flat ! Went sraight 2 my friends nxt day my m8s moved all my belongins out he was arrested & put in cell 4 20hrs ! My life has been turned upside down i sleep on a sofa my puppy is wiv me & i have no property of my own & had 2 b off wrk cos of my face? I cant believe this has happened & hes got no guilt wat so ever ! Im 46 on thurs he goes 2 court the same day im not going? I love him but hate him my emotions r all over the place at mo? Girls its not us its them there the weak ones? GET OUT OF IT u can do it ive got nufin now homeless basically !! But it will get btr & i know wat comes around goes around because until they address there issues they will never ever be cured ? Sorry its like book ? But to know im not the only 1 going though this helps xx

  5. rosaleen38 11 March, 2014 at 8:50 pm - Reply

    Hi .im married for 15 year to an alcoholic and is on support to me for anything.he lives in his own world and he is abusive and controlling also
    .he told me lately that he knows the drinking hurts us but own give up.he is verbally abusive and the children are picking it up and he acts like there is nothing wrong.I Think that I have come to point of just moving out and up.i have no energy left and its like being on a oneway street going now where. We dont sleep together and he is very controling .there is more to life than living with this and he telling me what to do.The slightest thing also upsets him.please any advice

  6. Gracie 6 February, 2014 at 6:07 pm - Reply

    Hi.
    Let me start telling you I grew up seeing my dad being mean to my mom.
    My dad was very macho like and extremnly verbal abusive. As i got older i didn’t like nice guys because i wasn’t used to that. I got married to a military guy stay with him for 17 years he bit me almost kill me a couple of times I never reported him I was so afraid of him. I was thinking that i was a strong woman for being able to handle my husband but not really in reallity he was killing me insdie. He got remarried to another women last it six years and she endup walking away too. I don’t blame her. He was an alcaholic and stills is in alcaholic but for the grace of God I starting attending Therapy and I was able to walk away and divorce this man. Seven years later I started dating some one so nice and sweet and he was loving me like no one ever had but he was an alcoholic too. Now we are not together he started acting crazy and started verbally abusing me and talking to me just like my ex-husband so I had let him go. I was real sad and depress because he was so nice in the beginning and end up horrible. So I am back in therapy again I cry sometimes because i miss being with him but leaving in a roller coaster is not good. Now i go to the Gym and therapy. He still text me nasty messages but I don’t even read them he is a sick men and he will be sick and abusive to the next person. God is good and he will take care of you. I am learning to love myself and live day by day. Do not stay with an abuser he will destroy you and your mental health. Is very important to look for help in the outside like counseling and therapy for you.

  7. Jackson 31 December, 2013 at 1:40 am - Reply

    I understand..im in sort of a similar situation..im so in love with my girlfriend..when we first got together we drank and had fun together..but now its becoming and issue and causing problems..id truly like to stop all together..but i dnt think she.s willing to do that by the things she.s said when i bring it up…it makes it hard for me..it makes me drink..ive came up with this attitude if i can beat it..join it..and i know its not the solution..weve discussed marriage and kids..but were not on the same page with alcohol..any help would b appreciated..thank you

    • faya 12 January, 2014 at 9:37 am - Reply

      i’m in a 2yr old relationship and alcohol really messed things up, i have 2 kids and my eldest which is 4 is afraid of me, my girl friend really wanted to leave me because i became abusive verbally and physically, even though we trying to sort things out it doesn’t look like she’ll trust me anytime soon, i promised her that i’ll stop drinking and i mean it. Hurting her breaks my heart when im sober im a loving partner and father, how can i fix what i have messed up. Please advise.

  8. tyler downey 17 December, 2013 at 1:39 am - Reply

    My girlfriend and I went to the bar for the 3rd time ever and when we got home we were really drunk. We started fighting and things got way out of control. I have NEVER been in a abusive relationship and I have never hit a woman. I ended up hitting and choking my girlfriend. We have only been together for 6 months and I am 32 years old. I know I love this girl. I have never really been in love before. long relationships yes but “love” no. I want to work this out with her I am at a loss because this has never happen before with anyone of my past relationships. I need help I don’t know what to do. I said I am sorry and I really am I don’t ever want to see this woman cry again let alone the first time. Is there steps we can take to get through this. Am I just a labeled “abuser” now? I am desperately asking for serious reply’s to this comment. Please don’t call me names or put me down. I feel horrible enough. Thank you and looking forward to the replies.

    • Lauren 5 February, 2014 at 9:45 pm - Reply

      Well, first off you see what you are capable of and you don’t like it. Perfect. Now, you do not drink. Smoke a joint or something. Not many people that smoke weed are aggressive. Go to anger management. Even if you think that this is a one time thing if you want to prove to her you are committed to this never ever happening again. Prove it. You may learn something about yourself you didn’t know. You have to accept that this feeling of regret will only multiply and make you a horrible, desperate and lonely person if you don’t just DEAL WITH THE REALITY OF IT.

      You did it…don’t ever do it again. Make sure you don’t by going to counsellor and they will set you on the right path. Best of luck:)

  9. angie 14 August, 2013 at 7:24 pm - Reply

    when my partner drinks he accuses me of cheatin on him.hes thrown me out in the night in middle of winter also 2days after comin out of hospital ive know where to go i dont know what to do, any suggestions please ime in need

  10. Daisy 26 July, 2013 at 1:23 pm - Reply

    I have been in a relationship for three years with a man who I believe abuses alchol (maybe someone can confirm or dismiss that for me). This is the first time I have been in a relationship with someone having a substance issue and I am confused as to how to deal with it.
    He was unemployed and living at home when we met. He has finally, in the last 7mo, found a good job that he seems happy with. Prior to that our issues started with his inability to find time for us… There was always a reason that was out if his control and “just the way it is”. He also never had money to take me out. It’s not that I minded paying, I have a good career, or that I couldn’t work with a busy schedule and only seeing each other one night a week. It was that he could go to the bar, and have money to buy beer and liquor.
    The one night a week we saw each other turned into a routine of him coming over and having 5-6 beers and 2-3 shots, getting very drunk, and sleeping till 11 the next morning… Then our time together was over till next week. I felt lonely and when I would tell him I was lonely he would say I just needed to focus on the next time I would see him. He didn’t see the lack of intimacy.
    We would have good times. We share the same kind of humor and creative personality but outings always consist of drinking in some manner and if we ever went out with his friends I insisted on driving because I don’t trust that he will slow down so he can get me home safely. I have been stood up several times for drinking with friends. It took me three years to tell him (and say out loud to myself) that it his drinking that is the issue, that has kept us from getting closer.
    I broke up with him (this would be the second time) last week and finally told him my concern with his drinking… The biggest issue being he has 2 DUIs. It has been 7 years sense his last one but he has a child that he has custody of (his ex is not a good situation for his child). A third would mean jail, loss of custody, losing his car, his job, never having financial independence (he is still living at home). With so much to lose he still drinks and drives. I’ve noticed he has been shaky lately and just doesn’t look well.
    I want him to get help. I told him this and he said he wanted to make changes. He said he realizes he has gotten into some bad patterns of behavior and wants to change those patterns. He described a life he wants me to be a part of that sounds so nice…. But I can’t help but think he needs help. Simply changing patterns without someone helping him focus and find new behaviors and find out WHY he made those decisions in the first place, it will just return at some point. So I am at this point… Do I walk away? Do I stay if he gets help? Walking away will hurt because I love him but staying would put me at risk for a roller coaster ride, or if he does seek treatment he needs to focus on his health not me. I have three children of my own and am concerned how my relationship will impact them but I love him and letting go of that would be painful. Insight would be greatly appreciated. I feel torn in two directions, the picture he painted and the past experiences I have In my memory.

  11. msmom87 28 April, 2013 at 2:53 am - Reply

    I’ve know my (well now, exboyfriend) for 5 years, we were online friends for 4 years, was together for a year. Lived together. For years, I knew he drank alcohol, just never to the point where he couldn’t control his anger or depression. He would always blame his childhood for the drinking, might have blamed me once or twice because I was “nagging” too much about his drinking. The other night, we got into a big fight and I got thrown across the room and had my face slammed into the wall. Not a pretty sight. He was arrested for domestic violence, put in jail, got released last night. He finally came today with a cop, to get the rest of his things. The result of the fight was that I had enough. Enough of the drinking to the point where he couldn’t function. He’s hardly worked in the last year, only do “odd jobs” here and there, wouldn’t help me with anything. He cleaned the house, helped watched my 2 daughters while I worked. That was his “contribution” to the household. The over all stress finally snapped the other night and I asked him to leave. He wouldn’t leave. The last time we had a physical fight, I didn’t call the cops, which I wished I had now. I started attending the local Al-anon meeting, and it has helped somewhat.

    I’m hurt by his actions, his attitude, and mourning the loss of the relationship. I’m tired of crying. We have a no contact order, but we have to attend court. My youngest, overheard him say in the hallway to the cop, that he had pleaded guilty, paid a fine, and I guess that’s how he got released last night.

    I feel guilty because I helped enabled the drinking. Buying it for him whenever he needed. We didn’t have a sex life much, he always blamed the reasons cause my kids live with us for the time being. My kids are not his, they are from my previous marriage. The other night of our fight, he had mentioned he wanted to get intimate and I was cool with that, since we rarely had those moments. Then he was like “I don’t want to now”….and I guess that’s what did it for me. That’s when I finally stood up for myself and told him I wanted him to leave. I guess being thrown into the wall was his way of saying he still wanted to control everything. I am angry, hurt, humiliated……I loved him with all of my heart and this is the thanks I get? I don’t understand alcoholics, what gives them the right to abuse the one they say they LOVE? That is NOT love. My ex-husband was abusive and I spent 12 years living that way. I never thought this ex would ever do that to me.

    • "G" 22 June, 2013 at 4:50 am - Reply

      Hello I just am so torn between if I’m really getting abused by my husband. I’ve been with him for almost ten years now n just now I’m ready to walk completely out of his life! He is an alcoholic ever since I met him. Even before I met him…it’s such a long story I feel so stupid for even doing this. I should hav been more smarter years ago! So I’ve been through his self destruction with dui’s runnin from cops drinking out of control verbal abuse some psychical abuse as well. He’s been in and out jail for selling drugs and drinking dui’s.. Ahhh I seriously dnt knw what I been doing? He’s been out of prison now for six months and in these six months I’ve watched him drink and lie to me to his parole officer to family he minipulates every one me , family , the system. He gets away with it all! Before he got out I was fine I was working had money paid bills I was happy so now just six months into this life with him I’m broke bills are not getting paid on time or I’m calling asking for extensions oh it’s jus sick! He has a daughter from a pervious marriage and we get her on weekends well all he does is get her and leave her here with me and our two lil girls and gos and gets drunk. I love his daughter but she’s getn older turning into a teen and I’m not wanting to deal with her attitude plus she treats my daughters like crap at times and he’s not here to deal with it! But even if he is he dnt do a damn thing! So I said no more I’m not watching his kid when he’s not here. So it just gos on and on and I feel so bad that I dnt want her here! I’m jumping all over this I’m so mixed up in my head because of him it’s so long…..all he does is talk badly about my kids which are older he says bad things about them he says bad things about my family my mom it’s like he needs to talk down on people that I love it causes fights and me to get defensive and it makes me turn on his daughter and his other kids. Gosh!..?? This past week gas been horrible I get called a whore a cunt he has no respect for me I’m so exausted of him I’m numb. About four nites ago I was going to bed and my daughters n my son was going upstairs to go to sleep he rushes upstairs jumps in my bed and says he’s sleepn here n I go to the couch we been fighting all week but I said fuck no u go and he started to grab me by my face neck to throw me out of my room mean while my kids are watchn I start to swing on him I get pushed to the floor and he’s calling me a bitch and watever than he says I’m gonna piss on u bitch and starts to pull his shit out I went to kick him rite in his stuff! He backs up and I’m just in shock that he was going to pee on me! What the fuck? Who thinks of that? Why? Ahhhhh!!! I flipped out talking shit to him yes he was drunk not bad but buzzed up I’m sure my kids are crying and I jus took them and left to my moms ….I told him to get out leave no one wants him here… So the next day his closet is cleared out. Well now I hear from family he’s sayn I’m jealous of his other kids and just making lies up about me? It’s wrong and I sit and ask…am I being abused??!…. Haha what the hell?

      • Sassifer 21 July, 2013 at 3:49 am - Reply

        To answer your question, yes, you are being abused. I can sympathize with you. I just recently asked my boyfriend, we were together for a year, to move out because of his drinking and what it’s done to us. When he was drinking he became aggressive, argumentative, verbally abusive and also physically abusive. He doesn’t have to beat the shit outta you to be abusive. I charged my ex with assault and he is currently on 6 months probation. you would think that that would be enough for him, but it’s not. My point is that as much as you may love him, if he is not willing to take his alcoholism seriously nothing will change..AND the abuse will escalate and get worse. Be strong for you and your kids. It’s bad enough that they have already witnessed some domestic violence, you don’t want them to be exposed to any more. You have already been away from him while he was in jail, and you said you were standing on your own feet…that is proof that you can do it.

  12. Bryan 15 April, 2013 at 2:34 am - Reply

    Heartbroken… I have begged and pleaded with my girl of 12 years to stop drinking. We have a 11 yr old who has seen her drunk and I have been through so much emotional and verbal abuse as well as our son. I finally told her alcohol or me.. I lost. I am devastated. Her drinking brings out the worst in me and my words get nasty. I have no idea where to turn. So lost

    • msmom87 28 April, 2013 at 2:58 am - Reply

      Hi Bryan….

      I’ve done that, giving my exbf the “ultramadium”…it’s either us as a family or the bottle……his reply was…..”I’m not giving up my alcohol for nobody”…..

      Alcoholics are selfish people. They only think of themselves, not others. They don’t see the impact they put on others.

      I’ve learned that giving that ultramadium, means disaster. It causes them to drink MORE, creating more chaos.

      • Ruth 22 May, 2013 at 4:33 pm - Reply

        I have looked at website after website after website and our stories are all somehow in one way or another, the same. My boyfriend of 2 years and I have a 7 month old. He spends all of his money in alcohol and then struggles to find a way to make ends meets for the next week and a half until payday. I too gave him the ultimatm…us or the alcohol. He chose the alcohol. I’m still here pissing and moaning, I realize I’ve become codependent, which in turn can make us as sick as the alcoholic. I’m trying to grow some balls so I can leave, but that too turns out to be a job in itself. Alcoholics can cause so much devastation and sadness and they either don’t seem to care or notice. It’s a sad life. I wish everyone on this board good luck!

    • Lauren 5 February, 2014 at 9:49 pm - Reply

      AL ANON.

      They are helpless and you need to remember that sometimes protecting your kids is sometimes from the people that love them. Either way your road is long..why make it longer by watching it happen. You need professional help. TAKE IT

  13. K 18 December, 2012 at 2:34 pm - Reply

    Hi,
    I’ve been in a relationship with someone that has a drinking problem for almost six years. At first I thought it was just a phase since we were both younger but to find out its not just a phase. The past year has been the worst and honestly has been an emotional roller coaster for me. He has changed so much I don’t even know who he is anymore. We fight all the time and he is so verbally abusive it’s sick. He has recently even started to be physically abusive with me, and possibly even cheating. I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to him since he is always drunk. And if there happens to be a time when he is not he just becomes extremely aggravated and starts verbally attacking me. This has honestly destroyed our relationship, it’s killing him and tearing me apart where it’s hard just to get through the day without feeling anxious and overwhelmed by it. I have tried to help him but i seem to be the one paying for it. I read in some of your posts that they seem to turn on the charm for other people, but as soon as its just me or me and someone he knows well I seem to be the target for his anger. At this point I don’t know what to do. I love this guy and would do anything for him, but at what price?

    • Michelle 4 July, 2013 at 4:10 am - Reply

      I understand! I ask myself the same question on a regular basis. I feel almost trapped. And when my husband is sober, he’s the most, gentle, kind & loving man there is. I just wish I could help him see that…

  14. Ray 25 May, 2012 at 2:21 pm - Reply

    heres a musical take on how alcohol can affect a relationship
    click here –> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TXEejKYRBiw&feature=g-all-c

  15. traciiee 25 April, 2012 at 7:36 pm - Reply

    hi , ive just left my partner of 15 years.we have 2 children aged 11 and 9.hes been abusive & violent over the last few years he stopped drinking then had a fit and a stroke last october he stopprd drinking for a few weeks then started having a few beers dont get me wrong hes calmed his drinking down attended a few aa meetings and another group called wpd . but its now his mood swings i cant handle so ive now taken an occupation orde out on the house as were not married i left him 5 days ago , im finding it hard coz at the moment my kids r off skool and im having to live with my parents. i also took a prohibited steps order and a residental order which means he cant contact me or the kids . im hoping he,ll see the light and change but from now on im thinking of myself and my kids .but before i did all this tho i took an overdose cos i just couldnt see a way out . hes been to prison aswell for drink driving and hasnt worked for the last 2 years . ive even tried to speak to his parents but they prefer him drunk so they can control him they even kicked me and the kids out last year and we had to go in to a hostol . so for everyone out there going threw the same crap get out now. xxx

  16. Marcia 1 April, 2012 at 1:12 pm - Reply

    Hi,

    I have been with my husband for 16 years. Febuary 1, 2012 I told him to leave and not to come back until he gets help. He has turn into this person I dont want my children to be around. My son and I had to pick him up on the side of the road he had a gun in his hand and a beer in the other he was in my sons car. He smelled like pee and beer. He called everone that he knew and told then that this was the last time they were going to here his voice. My daughter that is in college had to here this too! He does not remember any of these things at all. I am not in love with him anymore I am scared and I knoew for many years of mental abuse I should have done something sooner. We have been separated before for the same reasons. I just didnt have the guts to do anything like this. I would already have let him back in. I cant even begin to tell you the birthday parties ended up in a fight. My poor children! I pray that they do not grow up like him. I dont allow alcohol in my house he drings with his friends. He has an excuse for everything. I feel like I am damaged because I feel I cant trust anyone. He lied to me so many times. In january I got a very good review from my job and my I want to go out and celebrate, He never showed up he went out with his friends and celebrated! Who does that to there wife?

  17. paul 25 March, 2012 at 2:24 pm - Reply

    hi my xgirlfriend is a alcoholic and and now in a rehabilitation centre i still love her to bits and never stop thinking about her will she ever change i only found out since that she has a history of alcohol abuse im left empty heart broken and verry hurt and so lonely and finding it very hard to cope with things etc my job

  18. n8iveinpain 21 January, 2012 at 5:40 am - Reply

    hi, my fiancee and i have a drinking problem, now i don’t know if we are aloud to see eachother, he is in custody, but i love him so much!!! when we are sober we are very caring and loving towards eachother, i have rheumatiod arthritus, no kids, he does help me but with the treatment i am getting though i do not need as much. he got taken in on wed, it only friday. i miss him so much, i keep crying. i just want him back!!!!

  19. Ruth 20 December, 2011 at 6:29 am - Reply

    Hi all, reading these stories I see I’m not the only one affected by alcohol. we’ve been married now for nearly 10 years and alcohol was always important in my husband’s life. When my husbands dad died more than 2 years ago he started being depressed and drinking heavily. Then he was made redundant and there was even more reasons to drink. I don’t want to bore you with my story but I also have been ‘through hell’ the last few years; loosing my sister to cancer while doing a full-time degree with a family. We also look after my sister-in-law with severe mental health problems and she stays with us every second weekend. Also, the long period out of work have put us in financial difficulties; he’s not applied for job-seeker allowance ‘as that gets him down’. This all has put a strain on our relationship but it took me a while to realise that the alcoholism of my husband was the problem and the relationship problems just a symptom. He also lost his Libido because of the alcohol and hasn’t touched me for years. We’ve got a daughter of seven who said last week ‘I wish we would be a normal family with a dad who doesn’t drink’. I have been trying to keep up normality as far as possible, taking over responsibility of everything in our family to the extend of filling in my husbands time sheets etc. He started going for alcohol counselling (which he eventually agreed), but the penny hasn’t dropped yet; he’s not ready for change. he does well a day and then finds an excuse for a binge. Anyway, I am the problem now: I hit him last Sunday and last night again. I am terrified; out of anger and frustration. I just can’t bear the situation any more and feel helpless. We’re struggling financially, there is Christmas coming up and he laughs in my face and says he deserves to spend all that money on alcohol as he has worked hard all his life and it is now my turn to pay for things. I am the looser now; he has always know how to push my buttons to wind me up, but I kept. Now I am the abusive partner, despite the last ten years of emotional abuse. There is no justification for hitting, it makes me feel so bad.

    • Anon 18 January, 2012 at 1:10 pm - Reply

      Hi Ruth, I did the same as you towards the end of last year. After 2 years of mental and emotional abuse, not to mention intimidation, threats, being shoved, having him spit in my face and mock me, I finally snapped and hit him. I’ve always stood my ground with the exception of actually leaving. But to be honest I think standing my ground made him all the more determined to break me. He finally succeeded when my mother died a couple of months ago. He hit me the day after her funeral. He still hasn’t moved out despite saying we have a shit relationship and it’s all my fault. If I mention his rage he explodes even more because I’m blaming him. He’s basically made my life misery and I’m sure he’s only in the house still because he’s enjoying hurting me even more. He even looked me in the eye the other night and told me it was my fault for not heeding his warning that he hit walls and threw things when we first met. People like him are insane. They will twist absolutely everything to ensure they don’t take responsibility for their behaviour. They are dangerous people and will totally destroy you. We don’t love them, we’re craving the need to be loved because they deny us it. I know that’s very easy to say because I still crumble and wish everyday my abuser was still the lovely person I met and fell in love with. He just uses that to destroy me even more. I am angry, hurt, sad, not only at him but at myself for putting up with it all along. Is he feeling the same way? No, he’s gone completely cold on me. But then we should realise, if they ever had feelings for us all along, they wouldn’t be able to treat us like it. I once said that to him, how could he treat me like it when he’s supposed to love me. His response? He can’t love me then. Just please, stay away from these people. Good luck to everyone on here. We’re left picking up the fragments of our lives and putting ourselves back together while they turn us into the enemy. I’ve never experienced anything like this before and never want to ever again.

      • Jules 18 May, 2012 at 1:36 am - Reply

        I totally and completely relate to so much said here but particular to Anon. I also have tried to hold on to “what was,” the person I met 28 years ago. He drank when I met him but I was blind to how progressive his alcoholism was. He treated me well for most of those 28 years, until about 5 years ago, I saw his personality start changing. Anything he had to do with myself and our children, if it meant he had to leave the bar early, he would be angry. I saw his moods swing constantly. Two years ago, he became a sex addict – perhaps a secondary addiction along with the drinking. Then I saw how crazy he really is, how cruel he could be, how cold and unloving and self-centered he had become. But… all along, during those years of progression, he had ways of making me feel like I was a selfish person. And I believed him. I lost my self-esteem. Once I felt the cold, evil side of him, such a contrast to the loving, kind man I knew all that time, I wanted to hold on, praying and begging that the person I married would come back, that he would remember that we did have a good life and were happy. He will even say we were happy but he “screwed up.” He has yet to want to work to change that – instead he will say he has “done too much” for me to ever get over all of the cruel things and he likes to drink and that, I guess, in the end, is not negotiable. He is what he is now and I desperately miss the loving man I married. I feel such a loneliness I can’t even describe it and have felt close to a nervous breakdown because I have never been emotionally abused in my life and to have the man I trusted the most on this Earth be the one to treat me with hate, cruelty, disrespect, coldness, vileness… I feel I am in a posttraumatic stress state. I am in counseling when I can get there, and have attended Al-Anon but I just cannot accept at this point that someone who used to care, who gave a damn, could be become such a monster. But this is what alcohol does – robs a decent man of his heart and soul. I wonder if I will ever recover from the pain.

  20. Dawn 14 December, 2011 at 8:43 am - Reply

    My partner is 41, he suffered massive heart failure on 8th Nov caused by drink. He is an alcoholic, the alcohol makes him abusive. He wets himself, passes out drunk, drink drives and has beaten me very badly for the first time this weekend. I have tried to police his drinking, for both our sakes but all it has done is intensify his resentment towards me. Without drink he is the man i love to pieces. He lies compulsively, in order to drink socially, and party with a bunch of 20/30 year olds who all think he’s a great craic, buying them all drinks and making a fool of himself, they don’t clean up his piss or get abuse from him. How can I help him, I am terrified he will die. He does wonderful things, it’s not all bad. But the drink is overshadowing the good stuff too often. I once thought we had a happy future ahead of us…

  21. Ian Varey 15 November, 2011 at 1:19 pm - Reply

    I have just come out of an eight year relationship. A very hurtful and painful experience. Unlike some of the literature which is on the internet i do not seek out and never have sought out this kind of relationship. It is the first time i have ever had a relationship with someone with a drinking problem, and probably the last time. I tried to manage the damage which was being inflicted on the relationship and eventually, on me. I didn’t stay out of being addicted to the relationship or because i have low self esteem…I stayed because i love my partner. I never asked for the promise that the drinking would stop, if you love someone, love them for who they are. I tried , in vain, to stop my partners alcohol problem from touching me and the relationship. I failed and always would have failed. I am the one who has called off the relationship…a very painful experience…and a first as i have never left someone that i love before. I did all that i could to communicate this to my partner, but unfortunately, it not only fell on deaf ears, but also it was interpreted as interfering, trying to help, trying to control, so i had no chance. According to Al-Anon most people with severe drinking problems have personality disorders…this is true in my experience. After breaking my heart by sleeping with someone else, i was told that i didn’t have a broken heart, i was simply jealous and my pride was hurt that it was someone else and not me. While tears were streaming down my face, i was told nothing has changed between us…it was a drunken mistake. This was the second time. Add to that DUI and getting caught as well as hundreds and hundreds of drunken verbal attacks…there was no recognition that these incidents were having a very bad impact on me. Lift up your heads and be glad you survived and get on with your lives…the future is yours…try not to look back to much…and think of all the things you can do. My relationship came to an end at the end of August so I am still in pain but am feeling more positive than i have for many years. Thank you.

  22. Jenna 25 July, 2011 at 10:44 am - Reply

    Hi , I hope someone may be able to help me . I split with my husband 18months ago after he had an affair , during one of the worst times in my life , i lost 4 very close people to me in a car crash ,he tole me i was too busy with dead people that he had an affair ! My self confidence hit the floor .
    I have now met a lovely guy , but i find it so hard to trust him because i feel he will do the same to me .
    Last night we went out for a lovely day with his family , i had quite a bit to drink and when we got home , i started on him , a comment was made about him always being with young girls and that now he was with me they were happy as i am older, but i accused him of wanting girls and that he was bound to be having an affair .
    i went crazy i threw his stuff out and actually hit him , i feel dreadful and so ashamed, but when i drink i find these emotions get out of control . He is very upset but says he loves me , i can bearly talk to him because i feel so bad . I do not know how to control myself when i drink . I feel maybe i should end the relationship beacause im afraid i will do this again . please any advice would be a big help .

    • Patricia 30 July, 2011 at 4:29 am - Reply

      Hi Jenna,

      You are brave and courageous for sharing your story. If you love this man and he loves you, don’t lose him.

      You say, “I do not know how to control myself when I drink.” It sounds like you have already figured out what the problem is. Seek support; starting with this man you deserve to have in your life if he is good to you and good for you.

      If you look after yourself first – A.A. is a great place if you think you need a program – work the program and then everything else will fall into place as it should, including healthy relationships.

      You have been through a great deal in a short amount of time and perhaps these major life events have acted as a trigger for you. A good life program like A.A. can help you to find yourself.

      Another option is to start by talking to your family doctor – openly and honestly – if he/she is the type of person you are comfortable talking with. Perhaps, after all you have been through, the problem is two-fold. You might be dealing with depression as well but only a trained professional should help you sort through that possibility.

      You are worth it. With sincere best wishes.

  23. Resentful 29 January, 2011 at 9:10 pm - Reply

    Wow. I cant believe these stories. I thoguht I was the only one who lived like this loving a drunk and holding on to a dream while he holds on to the bottle. Im resentful of the years I gave up the child who has watched and the asshole that I love. (do i )

  24. sad 2 5 October, 2010 at 10:32 pm - Reply

    Hi Liezl I sympathasive with you as i understand what you are going through.I had been with my 4 childrens dad for thirteen years and once the honeymoon period was over I knew he had a drink problem.I was always trying to fix things.He would buy two bottles of wine each night and once he had fnishd them he would go from the normal guy to the insane drunk.He has been physically,sexually and more so emotionally abusive to me.I was at his beck and call.I have been away from him for a year and a half.When we split up he threatened me that I was not to see anyone yet when he started seeing me again he also went out with a polish girl.Everytime I allowed him to come to my flat to see me and the boys he would always get drunk and keep me and the kids up all night.I used to go and clean his mess up change wet bed sheets pick up all the crap not anymore on monday night after a his usual put me downs making out i was a slapper in front of the kids and their pals when i asked why he spoke to me this way his answer when sober was thats what he thought of me and he was only with me out of convenience I dont know what happened inside of me but i told him to take his stuff and have totally refused in my head to do nothing more for him i must have reached a breaking point.
    Tonight he called me up and asked me if i wanted to say sorry and i gave him a piece of my mind DONT PUT UP WITH ANYMORE SHIT your a person and you deserve better down tools dont do anything for him.Ask yourself if you were the drunk would you expect someone to do what you are doing now for you.Give him an ultimatium but stick to your guns.My ex man is the crackpot not me for giving up his family.Youve got to change in order to give him a chance to get better if he doesnt want to then either stay and put up with it or leave and find true happiness.Best of luck. karen x

  25. liezl 30 September, 2010 at 7:44 am - Reply

    Hi I’ve been dating an alcoholic for more than 6 yrs its rocky ynpredictable. Heartbreaking and the moods uncontroleable! Its seems it is always my fault and the reason for drinking is me or its because they want to social and I’m not fun. I work hard come home prepare food clean the house wash the dishes always listens and I’m always there for help wanted to leave few times but then I feel sorry and take the person back. I must admit I love this person dearly but I’ve had my nose broken blue eyes missed work. Sometimes when they go out partying only comes home like 3 days later and miss work. It cost jobs already as I think its the mood and temper. Also its at a stage where he gets epilepsy and is on phyletoin tabs so can’t drink but still does. He had a difficult childhood but I always thought it was that but I have taken him so a psyciatrist and still nothing helps. He does not want to go to AA and promised to stop then again leaves to drink. Also nowaydays he would go do shopping or look for a fight to go alone and when he comes back his car is always full of bottles and now he buys mints to hide it.He and his ex flirted few times behind my back and then alsways comes back and say sorry ect. That’s not all he also cuts himself he is a cutter. I am so afraid of leaving and something happen the worst is he is everything u want when sober and normal. I have also been reading bout borderline persoanlity and it seems it fits the bill. I am lonely scared hurt and don’t know which way to turn anymore but to leave for good. How do you treat situations like this and how do you walk away overcome this and leave someone you care for so deeply knowing they are killing themselves

  26. Friend 25 March, 2010 at 3:30 pm - Reply

    Hi Desperate.
    Please do not think that you are alone. There are services and peole who can help once you make the big decision that you want this to end. Make an appointment to go and see a solicitor. You might be eligible for legal help (legal aid) and if not many solicitors offer initial fixed fee interviews and some offer intial free consultations. Any thing that you tell them will be in complete confidence and they will not judge you. They will be able to advise you in relation to your options such as divorce (if that is what you want) but also in relation to matters such as contact (which may have to be in a contact centre if your husband can not be relied upon not to drink when your son if with him) and the possability of seeking a non molestation order (protecting you from violence or threats) and even an occupation order (removing your husband from the home).
    No body deserves to be subjected to threats or violence. As a mother you owe it to yourself and your son. Take Care and Good Luckxx

  27. desperate 21 March, 2010 at 8:16 pm - Reply

    please can someone help me.
    I have been with my husband for 19 years -since we were kids. we have been married for 9 years and have lovely 8 year old. My husband smoked weed for years and gave up 5 years ago. he has drank everyday for as long as i remember -lager and cider. he has major periods of ups and downs and gets fixated on things especially when he has had a drink. 2 years ago i was diagnosed with a liver tumor – had major surgery and im still here!! but t made me realise i cannot cope with the violent drunk i live with. when sober he is lovely, but when drunk – he is verbally abusive, wets himself and is totally incoherant and i live in fear. so he had a breakdown…he harrassed me from morning to night….i had to flee my home…… they think he is borderline bi polar……and is on antidepressants for the rest of his life… gave up alcohol for 11 months!!docs say not allowed to drink anymore. but sadly he has had many blowouts since then. we sold our house – went into rented so i was not tied to him anymore – fresh start and all that. my son has witnessed some terrible things and it makes me so sad…..wondering when the next time will be……when will he fall off the rails again. so i have given him ultimatum – us or the drink…….our marriage or the drink…….he chose us. or so i thought. today he swore on my life he wouldnt drink……….went out came home drunk….this has been happening every week for the past 6 months..i told him i wish he would die. my son heard – now i feel terrible.
    so – do i put up with it – or end it but know i will never get rid of him – he scares me. he will never leave me alone and will harrass me everytime he is drunk. im so scared what he will do to me or our son. i cannt trust him to look after our son but where do i stand?
    pls help x

  28. lonely 10 January, 2010 at 7:32 pm - Reply

    hi Sad

    Im sorry to hear you are going through this with your husband, and sorry that your first marriage was abusive also.

    I myself had to go through the process of weighing up the worth of my marriage and of myself. I found it so hard to admit my ‘perfect’ marriage was over and that i would have to go it alone. Is bankruptcy worse than living this way?

    I think your husband can change – ive heard stories on this very site that many alcoholics choose to stop and actually live their lives, instead of just existing. But i think the important step is acknowledging the problem and deal with it. My husband chose not to do this. Ultimately it led to the end of our marriage.

    I couldn’t say how your husband will get to this point but perhaps sitting down with him when hes sober and explaining how you feel when he drinks might make him see hes upsetting you.

    Oh and you shouldn’t have to ‘keep your mouth shut’ when hes drunk. I got told that all the time, and in my mind if one of you doesn’t have a tendancy to go off on one when they drink then the other one wouldn’t be forced to submit each time. Its tiring, it ruins nights out and ultimately ruins the fun side of your relationship. I am so looking forward to going out and not having to mind what i say or what i do incase hubby doesn’t like it.

    You don’t have to be sad or lonely – if you read some of my earlier posts you will see where i was last year and ok this is the way it worked out for me, and i hope you and your husband can work it out together – but don’t put up with it. Im no longer lonely – im alone but never felt more loved and supported by my friends and family and i no longer cry myself to sleep everynight.

    You ask your husband for what you need to be happy – work on it together if he needs that, but don’t settle if you aren’t happy and forfilled!!!

    Good luck!

  29. sad 2 January, 2010 at 2:56 am - Reply

    I have known my husband for 4 yrs and married for one yr. Drink never seemed a problem at first. We would go out and drink socially and have a good time. Over the years he has been drinking to get drunk whenever we go out in the evening. He will drink until the money runs out or he can’t stand up. He doesn’t drink all the time but when he does it’s heavy. He has called me some horrible names and done some horrible things when drunk. He says he can’t remember in the morning but i sometimes think it’s selective memory. He is a loving caring husband when drink isn’t involved but when he is drunk he changes. He always blames me for the arguments and the next day i spend on my own while he sleeps to sober up.It usually takes 2 days for the apologies to arrive by text while i am at work. He denies he has a problem and just says i should keep my mouth shut when he is drunk because i make it worse when i confront him. I feel i only stay now because if i leave i will lose everything i have worked for. I came from an abusive first marriage and lost everything and if i leave this one i will have to go bankrupt. I am so sad and lonely right now. I do love him but do you think he can change ?

    • scared 10 May, 2011 at 4:38 am - Reply

      Hello , I Live with a achohalic and he says he is’nt and he is not, but I know he is because when he goes out to drink I pay for it and when I come home he always tells me he is gonna kill me, today wich is may 9th he did try 3 times to choke me and throw me out our up stairs apartment window. I said to him u may want to think about what u are doing before u do this and he said by the end of the week he was gonna kill me. I am not sure this will happen . I don’t think your husband is gonna change sorry , once an alchohalic always an achlohalic. I live like this every day , every week , wevery year. No one I so far have talked to wants to get in volved. The funny part is we are not married just live together and I was told if I call the police on him , I will be removed from my appartment and I will go to jail, I can’t seem to figure out why am I being removed from a place I pay for when he no job , no money comming in? Makes no sence to me. Nobody can give me answer.

      • shana 21 December, 2011 at 4:19 am - Reply

        That is not true if you are in the USA. Choking is a fellony. Get help. Go to Alanon and undestand you codepency then go to the POLICE

  30. lonely 9 December, 2009 at 8:05 pm - Reply

    I haven’t meant to stay away so long, but its hard to know what to post sometimes, especially when things in my life change so frequently.

    Me and my husband remain separated, infact less than 2 weeks after my last post, my husband revealed to me that he had found himself a new gf, that they have somuch in common and that he can be himself with her. The shock i can say was more than i thought i could take. Especially at 5 months pregnant. After everything i went through for him he left me for someone who drinks as much as him and sees nothing wrong with it…….

    Ive since moved out of our marital home and started divorce proceedings. As Lucy mentioned earlier on this thread, im also financially so much better off even though it has been just 5 or 6 weeks since we split. He, on the other hand has spent nearly £4500 in the same time frame.

    He doesn’t know im moving towards restriting his contact with our son and the bay that is due in just 5 weeks time. I can not trust him because his drinking is so out of control. Its interesting to me that he can still ‘play’ the normal guy role when it suits him – i.e. to manipulate me into doing things his way. As per our relationship.

    I have to say im facing a different xmas, a sober one i guess lol. Im sad that things have come to this but attempting to focus on my future being better without him. Also feeling nervous about being a single mum with 2 babies, but again – rather this than living with a chaotic, abusive alcoholic!!

    Although things are hard and as i suspected in an earlier post he is raising issues over access and custody and doesn’t think his drinking is a problem. I know in 12 months time i will be full celebrating my freedom and my happier life!!

    • andrea 16 November, 2011 at 10:46 am - Reply

      Hi

      I think you are an inspiration and give so much hope. Thank you for that. I can see you wrote this last January and I am hoping things are much better for you and your children.

      Without dwelling on the past I think it is very difficult to feel anything but rage when a man (alcoholic or not) can be so cruel and manipulative. For me this is the most damaging thing about being on the receiving end of an alcoholic, especially a functional one on many levels.
      I wish you happiness and love for your future. I really do. You have done the right thing and as I said above you have inspired me so much.

      You are brave and wonderful.

      Love, Peace & Happiness

  31. In Love 27 November, 2009 at 2:39 am - Reply

    Hi, I was glad to find your site and read what you gals are going through with an alcoholic partner. I have been with my guy for a little over a year. we met miraculousy and it seemed like god put us together. We have so much in common and I truly Love this man and I am not co-dependant. But, what you had to say seems like the same pattern with my guy. I told him up front I would not tollerate a man with an addiction like alcohol–but a year later he’s still abusing it, making excused not to let go of it, turning problems arroud on me, etc… It is hard, even though you truly love someone, to let them go because they are affecting your life sooo much in the negative. I know I can not help him, he must do this himself. He knows what he has in me so if he loosed me it may help him more than if I stay. I don’t want to be an enabler by staying. I think he believes if he can fool me long enough, I will get used to it and stay. He is decieving himself. I will never get used to it! I told him if he wants to play that game he will need a 22 year old that is nieve! We are both in our mid 40’s and I have been through enough in my life I am not easily decieved–at all. I think I will visit the forum and read some more!
    Thanks for sharing 🙂

  32. lonely 14 October, 2009 at 9:47 pm - Reply

    hi tired,

    click on the link provided by admin above. I post on the ‘how to cope with an alcoholic partner’

    I would like to update on this page. That me and my husband have separated. Fairly amicably under the circumstances. Its been 4 weeks and life is changing for me. Day by day.

    I hope others can find a way to be free from their alcoholic partners.

  33. Tired 9 September, 2009 at 5:35 pm - Reply

    Lonely can I ask which thread you are posting too?

  34. lonely 31 August, 2009 at 9:51 pm - Reply

    Tired,

    Indeed we seem to be living the same life. My husband says the same things to me – abusive when he thinks hes in control – i.e. drunk. Dismissive of me in our day to day life and then sorry and begging when i imply or make a move to leave.
    I truely think that leaving is the right thing. How can what you are doing be worse than what he is doing? I am reassured by friends and family that i will find someone who loves me more than the bottle. Who will put me first. However i often have the feeling of ‘oh my god is this really right?’ i also worry about the custody issues with my husband, im not sure yet but i think he would fight me just to make a point.

    I guess we have to believe in ourselves, to not remain victims anymore and to provide a safe and reliable environment at home for our children. Lets be honest they aren’t going to have that if we stay. As much as they may play with our heart strings and the guilt strings. Its not because they love us. Its because they want us to help them all the time.

    I am in the process of getting out. In about 10 weeks i hope to be free. Im taking it a day at a time and trying to let as much as possible wash over me. No point stressing about what i can’t change.

    Join me on the forum as linked above by admin and we should chat some more. provide moral support in our similar situations!!

    Take care of yourself

  35. Tired 29 August, 2009 at 3:24 pm - Reply

    Likewise Lonely, your life seems a mirror image to mine. Silly me I went back again and again since my last post. Why? I wish I knew… suckered in by that smile and promises of a better future. That I’m the only one for him and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That was when I woke up. Spend the rest of my life on this rollercoaster ride? – I don’t, but I’ve learnt the patterns, apology: promises: begging and when that won’t work verbal abuse then it starts over again. Two months off the booze – I did have high hopes than one night out with friends and the next week drinking every night. Same old pattern. I’ve been called every name under the sun, told I’m ruining our daughters life and I’m going to live to regret my decision to leave. That I have a bad case of “the grass is greener on the other side”. All pathetic attempts to shoot down my self esteem so I go running back to him again. I’m trying to stay strong, but the doubts still come “am I doing the right thing?” I hope so, for my daughters sake and my own.

    • janice 6 September, 2013 at 7:21 am - Reply

      Lord how mercy I live with a drunk who works. We never can go any were because he is such sloppy person who needs to be help to the bed, car or any where for that matter. He needs me to protect him and provide food or he’ll die. He’s so angry when he’s not drinking and when he’s drinking he stubbles and sometime fallsl. When he’s conducting business at work everyone treats him with respect and says to me he’s a good man. He’s smart, he thinks about the situation for others and will settle their problems but can’t find a solution for his own family problems. He has no people skills with me. Don’t know how to love me without sex. I am under the sort of stress where I think if I leave he’ll die. He tells me I’m nothing without you I don’t want to live here on earth alone. I want us to die together. Lord how mercy what good did I do him by getting him up preparing 3 meals a day for him. This week I stopped and replied to him. ” You come home drink, sleep then awake at 3:00a.m and wake me up to ask if he ate never remembers I have to get him up to eat. I want to move into a place I can afford of my own. No children live at home. Is he that sick. Threatening to kill me and I threaten to call 911 and leave him. That gets bad.

  36. admin 21 August, 2009 at 8:12 pm - Reply

    Lonely
    Don’t forget there’s a forum on this site with over 2000 members, all sharing support about issues like this – here’s a link to the section on relationships.

  37. lonely 21 August, 2009 at 6:03 pm - Reply

    Im wondering why more people don’t post on this section of the site – Living with an alcoholic is the worst thing in the world and i’m sure there are thousands of women suffering with no one to talk too.

    Ive been away trying to figure out what the hell im going to do with my pathetic life. Im no longer sure if alcohol is my husbands problem, its his personality. Hes selfish, self centred, thoughtless, inconsiderate, mean and agresssive. Is this made worse by drinking? – hell yes!! But having spent the last 3 weeks with him sober i realise its more than the alcohol now.

    He genuiely has no idea the sort of hell ive been through in the last 2 years cos of his drinking. Perhaps because im still with him?!?! I wanted our family back together so so badly i failed to realise it may be broken too much for us to repair. Hes a lousy husband to me and has done little if anything to make amends between us.

    He may not remember the horrible things he said to e whilst drunk but i bloody do. The fact that ive been told ive ‘let myself go’ and that he has found other girls attractive is so painful it makes me cry myself to sleep at night (i sleep alone every night because he comes to bed 3 hours after i go to bed)

    The obvious solution to my pathetic miserable life is to get rid – i know this, i would actively encourage it if someone was repeating this story to me. But for reasons i can’t fathom yet – i can’t. Im stuck. Im reading Co-dependant no more as recommended by girls on this site, and i identify with so much but i think im still waiting for decisions to be made for me – i seem incapable of doing it myself.

    Stupid i know. I would like to say that co-dependant behaviour for me is hard to break out of because i rely on my husband in theory to help me as we have small children. I can’t just do as i please at any time – because i need him to be home to take care of the kids – what sort of mother would i be if i joined him in the please yourself attitude???? So in a lot of ways im co-dependant and can’t change it. No hobbies or activities or meeting friends in the evenings cos i can’t leave him drunk with babies (if he comes home at all that is)

    My sign in name ‘lonely’ has never felt more relevant then at this dark time in my life.

    Please talk to me….

    • Kimberley 21 February, 2010 at 1:51 pm - Reply

      I am hurting too. I had waited 7 years for a man that I fell in love with to
      get divorced. He finally did. I dated him for 2 years and put up with the
      baby-momma drama because he had 2 kids under 12. He has a lot of money
      from an inheritance which I guess is good because he has lost his great job
      due to alcoholism, even after rehab. I slowly broke the relationship and then
      felt bad and really missed him. He would cheat on me with his ex wife and
      she would call me and tell me this on several occasions after it occurred.
      I have put up with verbal abuse, had the police remove him from my house.
      Stated he never used cocaine, however, gave my son some “that he had in
      the house.”

  38. Lucy 27 June, 2009 at 12:36 am - Reply

    It doesn’t have to be this way Lonely. There is light at the end of that long tunnel and I’m sure that you will find it. You will find the strength to make a new life for yourself because you want a different life and you deserve so much better than what you have now.

  39. lonely 22 June, 2009 at 7:31 pm - Reply

    I still feel like im sinking!
    Im stuck in this limbo world of indecision.
    Im ordering the book for sure, cos im sick of saying im not happy and that i want change and then doing nothing but watching things happen around me.
    I guess im still struggling with the idea that I would let this happen to me!! How is it that our relationship – over time become one where it was ok for him to go on 3 day drinking binges, or to not come home all night? Or to spend all our savings? Of course we fight about it but if i try to ‘discuss’ it with him, he shrinks away from it and just says it’ll never happen again and for me to leave it alone, or stop living in the past!!!!!!

    So much i want out of my life, and it breaks my heart that all my original plans have fallen asided due to his selfish behaviour and drinking.

    I always appreciate the comments on this site and draw strength from knowing it doesn’t have to be this way.

    • viv 22 November, 2009 at 1:26 pm - Reply

      Hello, i feel im sinking too. In fact I think Ive sunk. Im in a relationship with a man who thank god doesnt live with me but who for the past 2 years has slowly ground me down. Ive realised its a pattern – he gets so pissed, it reaches a head which now ends in violence. Next day he’s sorry, full of remorse, wants a life etc etc. The next day because he’s not had a drink hes distant and moody and then engineers an excuse to go to the pub because of my behaviour! I dont understand why Im letting this happen. He can be so lovely but I am now spending another sunday alone and hurting while hes in the pub. I cant seem to break free. Im independant. Im a driving instructor and 50 years old next month. My sons have left home and Ive been swallowed up by verbal abuse that has stuck so much to me I feel I cant shake it off. I wish I was stronger – I used to be. Well I tell you what Im going to be strong because he has reduced me to this and theres no other way but up. Life is too short for unhappiness and nothing can be worse than this.

  40. Lucy 19 June, 2009 at 1:00 am - Reply

    Lonely – go girl! I’m so proud of you and pleased that you have obviously turned that corner and made that decision. It will be hard at first but stick to your guns because you will be so much happier. Please don’t worry about money – you will be financially much better off without someone who drinks all that money away. You’ll be surprised at how much richer you feel, in so many ways. And please everyone, listen to Lonely – you are NOT being loved, you are being ABUSED. Alcoholics are not capable of love because they don’t love themselves and the love of their life is alcohol, not you, and it will always come first. The drink will be their only love and first priority – before you, themselves, their children, because alcohol rules them. But stop feeling sorry for them, because it is not your fault and they shouldn’t make it your problem. You deserve better than that and life is too short to be ruled by someone else’s problem.
    Well done Lonely, I’m right behind you and please keep in touch.
    And BethAnn – the book is about co-dependancy. There are many on the subject and you, I and everyone who loves an alcoholic is co-dependant (not sure how to spell that!) but you can break-free… I have, Lucy is and if you read the book you’ll find it a lot easier than without it. Good luck all.

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